Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “Impact” Review 12/4/08 and “Final Resolution” Predictions

Find a line, peoples, cuz it’s time to cross it!

We open with bizarre audio technical difficulties that make it sound as if, in addition to heavy static, everyone in the Front Line locker room has the voice of Invader Zim. The problem is corrected before Brother Ray gets too far into his troop-rallying promo, however. He tells the assemblage of Front Liners that they need to now stand up for themselves, and that the Main Event Mafia represents everything that they don’t want to become. The new revolution is starting tonight, and they need to do it for themselves, for the business, and for the people (the fans, one presumes) who pay their checks. Everyone is pumped and leaves the locker room with victory on the brain!

This is good stuff from Brother Ray, but two nagging thoughts occur. Firstly, if the idea is the new generation against the old one, why are the new guys so eager to give up control to other veterans? AJ Styles was jumping up and down, at least partially in excitement. Joe looked like he was waiting to be given marching orders. Even the Motor City Machine Guns were behaving with enthusiasm and complete not-boredom. Why are all these guys, who were so recently talking about leadership themselves, now standing around, happily waiting to be told what to do by guys who aren’t that different from the guys they are fighting? Secondly, I hate the Turkey Bowl concept as much as anyone, but TNA is acting like it never happened already. No references to anything about it, nothing on the website, nothing at all. If you insist on doing something stupid, go all the way with it and revel in your stupidity. Don’t pretend that last week happened in a vacuum, and has no fallout of any sort.

To the ring! Tenay and West run down the evening’s matches. A sign in the crowd reads, “Bring Back Daniels.” I hear you, friend. I hear you. Cue the Main Event Mafia music. I still like it. Kurt Angle and the rest of the MEM make their grand entrance. Booker and Steiner wear wrestling gear, but Booker has his red robe over it, and Steiner sports his suit jacket. Classy. Nash gets the mic, and informs Team 3D that while he doesn’t give out compliments very often, he admits that Team 3D got one over on the MEM. Nash goes on to say that he and they are alike – they’re both arrogant, they’re both basically assholes, and they both only really care about themselves. They’ll do anything they have to in order to reach their goals, even “lie our asses off.” Thanks, Nash. In case there happened to be one or two people who thought that Team 3D was actually on the Front Line’s side in the long term. Brother Ray returns the favor by pointing out that everyone in the MEM “raped” every company they ever worked for. While the rest of the MEM reacts with anger and outrage, Nash leans back with a smug grin. Still trying so hard to be cool, are we, Nash? Nash continues to smirk like the proverbial cat who ate the canary as Brother Ray says that the MEM broke the code of the boys in the back. Brother Ray calls out the Front Line, who enter, flanked by security, through the audience. Angle starts to talk, but Rhino cuts him off, reminding him that he’s “one Gore! Gore! Gore! from the unemployment line.” Rhino never had a problem with Sting, he says, until Sting joined the MEM. He should have been standing with the Front Line, fighting their fight. Uh, hold on. Isn’t this whole war pretty much Sting’s fault?

To the back! JB and Lauren are with the Beautiful People. And Kip. JB informs us that the TNA Mobile message service is now absolutely free of charge! If the website is any indication, it should be. The Beautiful People are going insane (with lots of squealing and bouncing up and down) over the imminent arrival of Sarah Palin. Kip refers to the event as “catastrophic.” Oh, foreshadowing, where is your bite? TBP suddenly exit to take care of some unnamed business, leaving JB and Lauren confused as we cut to a commercial.

We’re back! Because this may be Kurt Angle’s final “Impact” appearance (as if!), and because his new dvd requires constant pimpage, we are treated to the Top 5 Kurt Angle Moments. Moment #5: Hard Justice 2007. Angle beats Joe for every title in TNA at once. Yay.

To the back! JB interviews Sharmell and Booker in their locker room. What’s the deal with them and the Beautiful People? Why is Booker putting his Legends title on the line against Samoa Joe in a street fight tonight? Sharmell answers for Booker that he hired the Beautiful People to protect his most prized possession – her. He didn’t want her going one-on-one with a man-beat like ODB. So Booker is allowed to change matches now? ‘Kay…. Booker cuts a nearly incomprehensible promo in the bad African accent before reverting to “Suckah”-speak at the end. He bounces up and whisks Sharmell out of the locker room. Eighteen minutes in, and no wrestling yet.

I spoke too soon!

Match #1: Booker T (w/ Sharmell) defeats Samoa Joe in a Legends title Street Fight: Remember when Joe was unbeaten and considered unbeatable? Remember the Joe/Daniels/AJ feud in the X-Division? I miss that Joe. I want him back, if you please. Joe was in the process of choking out Booker when the Beautiful People came running down to the ring and sprayed hair spray in Joe’s eyes. Read that sentence again. One more time. Now let that image sink in. Booker pins a blinded Joe and gets the win. Why must you bitchify Joe like this? If he has to lose matches due to interference, that’s one thing. This is another. He can’t beat up Angelina and Velvet, so there are no repercussions for costing him the match. Sure, Booker might look like the chickenshit heel, but Joe’s the one who really suffers the most. Boo-urns.

To the back! The Main Event Mafia locker room. As only he can, Scott Steiner spews forth a verbal phantasmagoria that only partially makes sense to those with prior experience in the English language. As the rest of the MEM follow Steiner out, Angle tells JB that he has something to say. He’ll say it to Mick Foley first, then go out to the ring and say it to Jeff Jarrett. Goody….

Commercial break! When we return, Kurt Angle Top Moment #4: Angle defeats Yugi Nagata in Japan. As much as the rest of the world seems to be orgasming over this match, there have been better matches in the recorded history of humanity. I’m just sayin’.

To the back! Joe sits in the Front Line locker room in silent dejection, a towel over his head. Team 3D come in to shake him out of it. This is both unnecessary and insulting. This is Samoa frickin’ Joe! He does not require the sort of pep talk that one might expect an Eric Young or a Consequences Creed to get from a big brother figure. As if Joe hadn’t been neutered enough, the final stitch in the post-op has now been made. I have always been a major Joe fan, but I fear that my Joe has gone away and is never coming back.

To the back! It’s ODB’s Angle. Roxxi (for you, JohnnyCraze!) and Taylor Wilde are guests. ODB appears out of sorts, and not at all boisterous and rowdy. The guests talk about themselves a bit, and Roxxi sports a “Dorks are Hot” t-shirt to go along with her bleeps. ODB is bummed out about the 3-on-1 situation of her match at “Final Resolution.” Again, who made this happen? The Main Event Mafia can adjust the circumstances of matches? Was it even official? I may have misunderstood, but it really wasn’t made clear. Taylor and Roxxi have ODB’s back, they say, and will be quite happy to help out against the Beautiful People. Now life is good again.    

Tenay and West run down the matches for the “Final Resolution” card. Could TNA possibly do less to promote their pay-per-views? If I weren’t reviewing the shows, I certainly wouldn’t have known.

To the back! Beer Money Inc. follows Abyss. Abyss reacts poorly to being followed. Yes, the “make nice with Abyss and get him drunk” bit was funny, to a degree. James Storm is comedy gold! However, this was a terrible segment. Abyss is TNA’s Kane in all possible ways now, as any shred of “monster” has been thoroughly erased. Abyss has absolutely no credibility left, and Beer Money cowers in fear at the idea of Matt Morgan? Please. If anything, they should have gotten Morgan drunk and feared Abyss turning up. Regardless of what Tenay and West say, Abyss and Matt Morgan are NOT a tag team. They are two singles guys thrown together because no one knew what else to do with them. They should not be anywhere near the tag team titles.

 When we return from commercial, it’s time for Kurt Angle Great Moment #3: Angle’s TNA debut at “No Surrender” 2006. It was a well-kept secret as far as wrestling goes.

Another video package! Apparently Christy Hemme has spent the past three months training with AJ Styles. While this has never before been mentioned, the point is made that AJ is the best person to take a small person like Christy and help her fight against a bigger person like Kong. True, that. This is pretty good, but why did it not get brought up earlier?

Match #2: AJ Styles and Christy Hemme defeat Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed and Rhaka Khan) and Scott Steiner: TNA mixed tag matches are exclusively man vs. man and woman vs. woman. Awesome Kong put this rule to the test when she started shoving AJ around. Don West actually said that TNA needed to change the rule for Awesome Kong. At first I thought that was hilarious, now I’m not so sure. Christy Hemme DDTs Kong (after AJ helps out in a huge way and positions her on his shoulders) for the pin and victory, but the announcers point out that Christy is on her own on Sunday.

To the back! Angle and Foley. Angle tells Foley, with the ever-present JB, that he will have a non-MEM person in his corner watching his back so that Mick can’t screw him over again. It’s Frank Trigg, isn’t it? Your equally evil twin?

Upon returning from a commercial break, we go to Kurt Angle Top Moment #2: Angle wins the World title at the Slammiversary 2007 King of the Mountain match. Hurrah.

To the back! The Beer Money and Abyss drinking party continues. See the previous portion of this “skit,” as the opinions are the same.

Match #3: Consequences Creed, “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal, and Eric Young defeat Jimmy Rave, “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt (w/ SoCal Val), and X-Division Champion Sheik Abdul Bashir: Are we to assume that Team Guitar Hero is no more? Not that I miss Lance Hoyt Rock and his chick lower back tattoo. Bashir gets on commentary for the entirety of the match he’s supposed to be fighting in, and gets bonus points for use of the word “swindled” to describe what referee Shane Sewell did to him. Creed is enthusiastic, but he’s sloppy. Very sloppy. The Lethal/Dutt history is mentioned, which is a change. Creed hits a TKO on Rave and gets the winning pin. Post-match, Bashir rushes Eric Young and attacks him. Young pulls a Super Eric no-sell, and chases Bashir up the ramp with the X-Division title belt. Yup, Eric Young uses a title he doesn’t have as a weapon against the man who actually does hold it. Young holds the X-Division title high in the ring as Bashir crawls away.

Video package for the “Feast or Fired” match. Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal (still in the “Macho Man” persona), Consequences Creed (“It’s just like roulette, and I always bet on black!”), Hernandez (“I wish someone would try to fire me.”), Homicide, Jimmy Rave, and Alex Shelley (“If I lose, I’m probably gonna have to start dressing like Mick Foley.”) all comment on the match. Does anyone else sense a touch of sarcasm in the way the lines “Ah, ‘Feast or Fired.’ That magical time of the year when grown men in tights get together, wrestle over a bunch of briefcases hanging on poles. I can’t think of any time of the year I look forward to more,” were delivered?

To the back! JB is with Sting. Sting is a lousy interview tonight. He is conflicted, yet inarticulate. Teasing a face turn for Sting already is a bad idea.

We return from a commercial break for Kurt Angle Top Moment #1: Kurt Angle forms the Main Event Mafia in Las Vegas. If you say so. That’s really the Number One Kurt Angle Moment?

To the back! The Beautiful People and the horrifically bad Sarah Palin impersonator are bouncing around in Booker T’s locker room. Booker pulls Kip aside and threatens him with severe bodily harm if he doesn’t get the women out of the locker room. Kip is, for once, the voice of reason, and complies. Oh, come on, can’t you just destroy him on basic principle? Please?

To the back! The Beer Money/Abyss drinking party that officially ruins Abyss’s career breaks up when Matt Morgan calls and Abyss wants to invite him to the fun time. Because Beer Money presumably fears Matt Morgan so much, they try to talk Abyss out of it, and end by smashing a bottle over his head.

When we return from a commercial break, Kurt Angle comes to the ring. He asks Jeff Jarrett to come down, and Double J complies, guitar in hand. Angle tells Jarrett that his gold medal was just a goal that he wanted to accomplish, and that his issue with Jarrett is personal. He brings up Jarrett’s family yet again, and announces that he’s so out of control that he doesn’t know what he’ll be capable of. Yes, Angle is so out of control that he has the presence of mind to tell Jarrett how out of control he is.

To the back! Lauren is with Rhino, and Rhino does not like Angle threatening Jarrett’s daughters because it makes him think of his own daughter.

Upon return from another commercial break, Team 3D is with Samoa Joe and AJ Styles in the locker room. JB questions their ability to function as a unit, and asks their thoughts. Brother Ray turns it over to AJ, who says that if Sting refuses to pass the torch, they’ll take it from him. Joe has nothing else to add, and it’s to the ring for the main event!

Match #4: Rhino defeats Sting (Non-title match): Rhino got busted open, and bled most copiously. Kurt Angle came down to ringside, but AJ Styles came down to even the numbers. Angle tries to interfere, but Styles is having none of it, and they go to the outside. Rhino hits Sting with the Gore! Gore! I voted for Gore! Rhino gets the win, and the Front Line comes down to the ring to celebrate. Sting’s title belt remains in the ring with Rhino, and the War Machine holds it high above his head.

Predictions for “Final Resolution”:

KNOCKOUTS MATCH (The Beautiful People & Sharmell vs. ODB, Taylor Wilde, & Roxxi): I loves me some Roxxi, but I just don’t see the Beautiful People losing this one, particularly with possible future storylines regarding Booker and Sharmell keeping them on retainer. The Beautiful People and Sharmell to win, through trickery and use of hair care products.

“FEAST OR FIRED” MATCH (The Motor City Machineguns, The Latin American Xchange, Rock N’ Rave Infection, “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal, “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt, “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams, BG James, Consequences Creed, Curry Man, Cute Kip, Shark Boy):                                                                            

Tag Team title shot: If there were any form of non-JBL wrestling god, it would be the Motor City Machine Guns to win. They won’t, which proves that TNA is in league with the Devil. Either Homicide or Hernandez to win this one, and LAX to get a title shot. All those “Rough Cut” segments aren’t for nothing.                                                                                                                                                           X-Division title shot: The way that Consequences Creed has been pushed, he’s a prime choice. However, that only works if I’m wrong about the outcome of the X-Division title match. If I’m right about that one, it’ll be Sonjay Dutt.                                                                                                                                   World Heavyweight title shot: Hernandez could get this, just to give him a shot as a singles guy without breaking up the tag team. All the same, Petey Williams to get this, and go after Steiner with it. Somehow.                                                                                                                                                  Fired: He was great fun, but Curry Man gets fired and we see the return of Christopher Daniels to join the Front Line. Hopefully this leads to Lethal, Petey, and Shark Boy dropping their gimmicky sides.

KNOCKOUT WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP (Christy Hemme vs. champion Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed): Kong retains. Christy Hemme has no business near a title run.

X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH (Eric Young vs. champion Sheik Abdul Bashir): Eric Young to win. Mind you, I don’t WANT to see that, but it will probably happen.

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH (Abyss & Matt Morgan vs. champions Beer Money, Inc.): Please let Beer Money, Inc. retain. The other possibility is unthinkable.

DOUBLE MAIN EVENT (Rhino vs. Kurt Angle, Special Enforcer Mick Foley): Please, as if this one requires a thought. Rhino wouldn’t win this match if Satan were ice skating to work. Angle wins.

DOUBLE MAIN EVENT
World Champion Sting, Legends Champion Booker T, Kevin Nash, and Scott Steiner (The Main Event Mafia) vs. Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, and Team 3D (TNA Frontline): Team 3D turns on Joe and AJ, costing them the match and the title, and joins the Main Event Mafia.

This show does not look good on paper. I’ll be getting it anyway, for reasons known to my fellow Triumvirate of TN-Awesomeness, and a review will be posted some time on Monday.

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

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