Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT Wrestling: 05/19/11

Last Sunday’s PPV, Sacrifice, merited little results of significance… except that Chyna might be back for more and Brayden Walker stole Matt Hardy’s fat gimmick. You can read more about the PPV at Pintnoir’s recap here. Pretty good review!

However, this week on the newly branded “iMPACT Wrestling,” where apparently wrestling matters, we will be treated to a new look iMPACT zone. As a result, the former TNA has made an effort to make the place look snazzy and showcase the change. Sure, this should have been done for the PPV, but realistically their buyrates have been so poor as of late, I’d imagine they didn’t bat an eyelash at the concept of rebranding the building in time.

Here’s some shots of the new iMPACT zone:

Looks decent.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

– Tonight’s episode is entitled, “Back From the Dead.” Sweet, that must mean zombies! Hell yeah!

– New intro, it’s very blue-themed with lots of blue fire and the new logo and whatnot. Opening shot of the new set shown above. It looks very slick.

– Immortal with the usual cronies is out to start. Bubba stares from the top of the ramp to the floor as the rest make their way down. Notable that he’s lost his gas-attendant look. WOOOOO! Ric Flair is sucking on a sucker.

It doesn’t take long for our LINE OF THE NIGHT!

Eric Bischoff (with Abyss standing right behind him): “[…] I know Mick Foley was out last week, taking credit for all of this. […] a couple of real network executives up in New York want to make things look different […] hell, we’re all about it. And let’s face it. If Mick Foley was really the one behind it, it would be ‘thumb tacks matter,’ not ‘wrestling matters,’ right?”

Then the camera cuts to Abyss laughing. Yes. That happened. Too funny.

– We’re told Hogan is having meetings with Foley and the executives in New York. Neither are here, so Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair are in charge. They will be taking care of business tonight… Out comes Brian Kendrick? And his X-Division job squad. New look for Kendrick, who has dropped his Jedi-monk look. “You’re accusing wrestlers of getting in your way, on a wrestling show… this coming from a non-wrestler!” shouts Kendrick, who goes off on a great promo. Bischoff says he will wipe out the X-Division tonight by booking all of the guys in matches. Mildly Moderate Red (Bischoff calls Amazing Red) will face Somoa Joe for example. Kendrick doesn’t get a match, asks what about him, so Bischoff slaps him and Immortal attacks!!! Fourtune runs out too!!! CLUSTERFUCK!

– After a solid three-four minutes of chaos, the face factions control the ring and Flair yells at Roode that he will call him out later tonight.

Like all things must change, wrestling matters. Whether the former TNA can pull this off or not… I don’t know. But we’re off to a good start. Speaking of the evolution of sports/entertainment, here’s a gem of a goal that is perfectly legal within the rules of hockey. It took place during the IIHF tournament in Europe. Dinosaur hockey pundits are whining and complaining. I call it artistry. Adapt goalies, adapt.

– * Mickie James, Tara & Miss Tessmacher vs. Sarita, Rosita & Madison Rayne. 6 Knockout tag match. The Mexican Americans Sarita and Rosita are talking smack to Christy Hemme before Rayne even comes out… Madison heeltastically cowers and tags out immediately as opposed to facing Tara, who won her freedom from Madison’s clutches. The rest of Mexian America join commentary. Well, that guy whose name I can never remember that is a blatant rip off of Chavo Guerrero does, while Hernandez stands behind the booth angrily thinking about why he didn’t go to ROH and reunite with Homicide.

– This match isn’t half bad. There is way too much going on, honestly, but it allows to hide the weaknesses of Tessmacher and Rosita, as well as the injured Mickie James as a result. And the decent workers in Sarita and Tara keep the flow going. Notably, Madison continues to flee Tara every time possible. One great spot has Madison go to sneak up on Tara, but she turns around! So Madison tosses Rosita into Tara who “takes a bullet” allowing the faces to pick up the win.

I don’t care if the basic meme is old. This rendition is epic. You go duck, you go!

– Bischoff peps up Abyss just before he enters to grapple, he comes from Parts Unknown… actually, he’s from backstage. Duh. You think I’m retarded iMPACT? Ha hahaha!

– * X-Division Title Match: Kazarian {C} vs. Abyss. I don’t know how I never noticed at the start of Kaz’s entrance, we hear a voice say “Fourtune Four!” They’re like superheros guys! Or the A-Team! Or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Whatever. Kaz goes at Abyss with intensity and quickness, only to get laid out and have the match SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW DDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN to Abyss speed. Abyss is still rocking his missing teeth. Kaz hits a nice looking drop kick from the top ropes, as we see the first replay segment of the new presentation of iMPACT Wrestling. It has nifty sound effects, and they don’t use a screen-within-a-screen like the WWE. And why bother, this shit is taped anyways.

Business picks up as Kaz gets some offence in, only to slow down so much to go back in time with Abyss.

– TERRIBLE finish as Abyss puts us all to sleep as wins, AND is the NEW X-Division champion. Bullshit. X-Division is now ruined. Fucking ruined, people. BOO! Where’s that razor blade… I’m feeling an Emo moment…

Charles Barkley @G: “You mean ‘Turrible’ you honkey. So it’s suicide again for you?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Yep, just like Moe Sizlack.”

– I get distracted by the BWF legend, J.T., who reposted this classic courtesy of Nirvana:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QECJ9pCyhns[/youtube]
“I fell asleep, and watched T.V.”

– Back to the show!!! Commercials tell us TNA and iMPACT Wrestling brands still exist. They look new, but both are named. Confusing.

* Amazing Red Mildly Moderate Red vs. Samoa Joe. Joe kills Red. Finished. Red’s under a mask now, and remember how Crimson was introduced as his relative? Me neither… but TNA does, err iMPACT WRESTLING. Crimson runs out and attacks Joe! No mention of them being family is made. Weird. That would’ve been a perfect way to alleviate this feud.

– A.J. Styles needs to talk to Thomas Innovates-with-Violence Dreamer. Styles is rocking a neckbrace by EMS of London. It’s the latest craze the kids are all doing! They’re taking piledrivers from the man who eats various things off the ground, Tommy Dreamer. Seriously though, Styles will be out of commission for weeks, and he doesn’t hold Dreamer responsible for Sacrifice. He was coerced by Hogan, Immortal, etc., or be fired. Styles drops the “wrestling matters” to him and Dreamer, buddy line.

– FUCK NO! Dreamer cuts a sincere promo-shoot! He calmly explains to Styles he “piledrove” (sic, let’s put it in Websters people!), and that he has worked for years hurt for nothing. His experience is way different than AJ! DREAMER EXPLODES ON AJ, and brilliantly rants on the microphone… “How quickly you people forget what I’ve done!” sceams Dreamer two times as he continues to beat down AJ while talking on the microphone. The crowd loudly, but briefly chants “E C DUB!” Shit gets ugly, and in comes Chris Daniels and Bully Ray, the latter with a chain! Dreamer stands tall, Bully casually resting on the ropes (Ray is getting so good at the bully gimmick). This is totally worth watching, and I do so a second time.

That kid is totally cutting a rug. Old school.

– Kurt Angle is out in his WrestleBrawl Jersey. ThinkSoJoE might have some stuff to tell us about that, stay tuned! Meanwhile, “Ding Dong, the bitch is dead!” declares Angle as he cuts a promo thanking Chyna, and getting rid of Karen. After a rant, Angle is getting Jarrett at Slammiversary and the winner also goes onto be the number one contender for the World Title. It will be one on one, with no distractions Enter Jarrett. Jarrett wants to know why Angle deserves this, etc. Again decent, but fairly cliche of this program at this point. Jeff still agrees to the match, but wants a stip added. Jeff wants Kurts Olympic Gold Medal. Ok segment, redundant stipulation. Oh well, we’ll just forget that. They shake on it…. end segment. Until Karen comes out in a wheelchair, cackling she will be at ringside… until Velvet Sky comes out from behind!!! “How you doing gremlin? You wanna go for a ride?!?!?” Velvet cries as she sends Karen down to the ring on her chair, but is saved by Jeff from any bump.

– Well Patman, there was Velvet’s first appearance and rules are rules…. including the new invasion twisted rule courtesy of the Scream Queen:

This should keep the rules in line, and everyone happy. Except for the fact Daffney was treated like complete shit at the end of her time with TNA. iMPACT Wrestling.

– Since wrestling matters, Wayne Arnold is here to cram a shit load of backstage bleh segments into the show. At least it builds the main event match… Regardless, I still enjoy the style of cinematography they use here. I’ve been meaning to re-point that out. Seriously, it’s not like a wrestling show would have perfectly lit, with live audio, and camera ready in backstage areas for television in spontaneous moments. Backstage shakey-cams behind doors is actually more logical (and creepy, to be honest with you). I’m on a tangent here folks…

Two important ways to get ready for a match is work out, and wipe the ring worms off your asshole onto the carpet.

– More Hervey segments, as the Stalker Cam records the Jarretts noting that tonight Velvet will face Winter and her undead underling Zombie Angelina Love.

– And so, that looks like our main event instead of:

– * Generation Me vs. Matt Hardy Some Internet Guy & Eric Bischoff. Honestly, the change is probably a good thing…. This one reeks of WTF and WHY? Bischoff really wanted to kill the X-Division and do it in one night. Too fast. Whatever… I think I will just watch and see if we get a showcase, or just a 3 minute crapfest. We get the former, and therefore backwards booking. I’m ok with that.

– Yes, Hardy (works hard, gets his name back) bumps for the Bucks (while faces), isolate Hardy and roll through a bunch of attacks for a while. It starts to look good, in a wrestling matters kind of way… but sadly Hardy manages to lock on a submission called the “Ice Pick” on Max Buck. Then he tags in Easy-E who gets some weak karate moves in and pins the Buck for the win. So Uncle Eric is truely out to destroy the X-Division after all.

Smarks should get this reference based on the last paragraph… possibly.

– We get an interview by an angry sounding fan in the audience who tells us that wrestling matters. He’s been watching wrestling since he was a kid, not the entertainment stuff. I get where they are going with this… although it’s rather ironic that the next thing we see involves as zombie:

– * Handicap Match: Winter and Zombie Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky. Daffney is certainly not going to run in an make things even. The Zombie Angelina continues her cold methodical no-sell attack style and dominates Sky. Winter, thinking she has the upper hand, tags herself in… some back and forth, heel double team, zombies. After a long disection of Velvet, she still manages to sneak in a school boy roll up for the win… and on the way out, ODB ATTACKS! She’s back (again), with dark heel hair because she is now a heel. ODB takes out Velvet ringside, calling her a “dirty whore.” DrowGoddess rolls her eyes as we get the overuse of profanity. What type of 14 mentality is behind segments like this… I mean serious who writes this shit anyways? Oh right. My bad. I should have said “of course.”

I just like this animated gif, and planned on putting it somewhere in this post… so yeah.

– Comedy bit with Eric Young and Miss Tessmacher about a photoshoot or something… Gunner shows up to get his Television title back, and beats him down (in his skivvies). I don’t know what the fuck this was… don’t care because Ric Flair is out…

– Ric is here to shoot on Roode as Hemme hands the Nature Boy the microphone. “Bobby Roode, I told you an hour ago… when I tell you to march, you march. Soldier! Get down here now.” Flair is still upset about tapping to Roode in Cincinnati. Roode talks respect to Flair about Ric helping Roode out from the get go, and that Flair taught him to take opportunity.. and so it begins. Roode wants to move on, but: “I’ve had my time!?! They’ve been telling me that for 25 years asshole!” retorts Flair. Flair will not let this end, and slaps a respectful Roode, and goes into “god” mode pushing Roode… so Roode slaps an armbar on Flair! Immortal to the ring! They overwhelm Roode as Tenay reminds us all of Fourtune have been taken out tonight! Bully Ray has his chain, and Abyss brings a steel chair to decimate Roode. I don’t recall seeing James Storm and Chris Daniels taken out to the degree they are selling… whatever….

Some things are not what they seem… that’s not Sting.

– Sting finally makes his way out to the ring. We’ve seen clips of him walking to the ring since the start of the show, I just never bothered mentioning that until now. You thought Goldberg’s entrance took a while? Or the Undertaker? Nope, Sting took about 2 hours to walk to the ring. All of the previous brawl segment is gone. Sting puts over RVD for their match at Sacrifice, by saying he got over by the skin of his teeth. BUT THOSE PREVIOUS LONG MATCH TIME ENTRANCES WHERE A SWERVE. Well that becomes clear because the Sting we saw in the backstage clips was wearing his old school costume, or something similar, from the WCW days. The yellow and blue. Turns out it was Mr. Anderson who runs in and attacks Sting! Ohh Emm Gee!

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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HEY YOU! HOCKEY FAN! NOT A HOCKEY FAN? MAYBE STILL A PHILANTHROPIST?

Two friends of mine are participating in beardathon.com, which is a fundraising project for NHL fans who follow the sports’ Stanley Cup tradition of growing out their beards for the entirety of their survival in the tournament. It represents aspects of superstition, and team sportsmanship as well. And for ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn of Bored Wrestling Fan, it’s about helping to give back to the community of their favorite hockey team, by also growing their own playoff beards and collect money via pledge. Both men represent the Buffalo Sabres hockey club. Here’s what they are raising money for:

The Buffalo Sabres Foundation has chosen to make its primary focus to (1) assist youth hockey initiatives, (2) support children’s health and wellness initiatives, specifically those that serve the underprivileged and handicapped, and (3) provide support to non-profit organizations that provide vital services to those in need in our community.

They are having a friendly little competition between themselves, ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn. They are both competing for the same charity, but against each other for fun. Regardless, ALL funds donated to either will go to the Buffalo Sabres Foundation! So everyone is a winner. Please consider donating to either (or both)!

Donate to ThinkSoJoE? Click Here. Donate to Rich Flynn? Click Here.

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