Home ▸ Impact ▸ Impact Wrestling: 06/23/11

It’s Thursday, and that means it’s time for Impact Wrestling! But not just any episode, no. This one will feature footage and matches from the BaseBrawl event held in Buffalo on June 18th in which Bored Wrestling Fan founder ThinkSoJoE was present for. You can check out his breakdown here, and I’ll do my best to keep a look out for him as I delve into this episode. With the preamble out of the way, let’s hop to it, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

– Rerun clips of last week to start…

– Bischoff and Jarrett discuss the ongoing tournament, Jeff wants in… but Eric reminds him of his stipulation to go to Mexico…. and away he goes!

– Easy-E is out to address the crowd… PAUSE!!! Off to play some 360 online with the man called The PatMan… I may be a smark (and dick), but I am also a fanboy nerd of other things like video-games, zombies, and so forth. This is where someone with more integrity would not make a reference to wonderpodonline.com. Good thing, that’s not me.

– Sting joins the ring, and Eric calls Sting a coward for attacking Eric (while he was taking a leak). Seriously Sting, Eric wonders why Sting doesn’t clue into the fact he actually watches the show… but feels disrespected here. It would seem that Sting has taken a page out of both Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker and Chris Farley’s Bennett Brauer…

“Maybe I eat my own dandruff!”

– Nonetheless, he’s awesome here! Kudos to a fired up Stinger. In fact, he is so smarthy, I want to admit I am entertained, wow. Sting must have leveled up, or something… Sting puts Baby in a corner, as he beats down Eric like a child… strutting around, parading his stuff for the world to see! SCORPIAN DEATH DROP!! Ol’ Bisch is propped up in the corner and his face is painted red a la Hogan, or tagged like the nWo. Surprisingly, there are no run ins here as we go to break.

Lots of superstars backstage on the hunt, after all…

– We return to a Scorpian Deathlock on Bischoff not being saved. Not even by Wayne Arnold. We get some clips from BaseBrawl and a house show from Toronto…. no ThinkSoJoE (TSJ) by G. But we’re given the points as of far for Bound For Glory Series. This segues into:

* Bully Ray vs. Scott Steiner. Heel versus heel. I wonder if Scott Steiner found any sugar in his pocket for Bully Ray this week? We’re shown some footage of the 9th Slammiversary match between Ray and Styles. And this match is that much more confusing as a result. I wrote all of that while they grapple up initially to start… this looks to be bad. Even they know this is slow and plodding, so TNA runs house show ads below. I watch the rest on FFW setting number 2. Bully Ray actually attempts to submit Steiner with a Full Nelson. But no! Steiner makes Ray tap, but the ref is out! Bully Ray takes advantage of his recess, and gets a win and some points! Yay?

– Velvet talks, wanting a no-hold barred match with non-contract talents Jackie and ODB… but she is told this match has to be done by the books. Wait… what? SO THIS IS NOT/IS NO HOLD BARRED? I am confused, but that is Impact for you. Brawling, chaos, etc.

– Eric is angry backstage about being beaten down. Anderson enters and Eric claims him and Hogan set Ken up to win the title. Nothing else develops here. Then Steiner is shown running around angry backstage about Ray’s heeltastic win over him. We are then shown clips of Zema Ion, who is participating in the X-Division tournament…

* Miss Jackie & ODB vs. Velvet Sky & Miss Tessmacher. The faces rely on their ass wiggling entrance, so rules are observed. The NEW rules:

I’m pretty sure I haven’t used this one yet, PatMan. And just like this promotion, I use’em up and spit’em out, even if the talent uses food stamps or works at Hooter’s to get by.

– And we’re back? Looks like it. It’s turned into the Jackie show, who isolates the Hooter’s waitress for some time. I can’t read Velvet’s shirt as she gets the hot tag, but it’s a “Hi my name is…”. No, it certainly does not say “Awesome.” Nonetheless, it’s a passable match for what we’ve seen as of late, but with nothing really notable happening. Jackie/ODB for the win. Hey, I got a message from Barks!

Charles Barkley @G: “Hanging with M.J. tonight, gonna ask him about the Hitler ‘stache”

G @Charles Barkley: “BOO! Yeah, ask him about that. I mean it became a meme, but no solid answer was ever given. Sort of what Impact meant by Wrestling Matters.”

– Federico Palacious of tonight’s X-Division match get’s his segment… then rapid cut to Tara and Madison, the latter who offers to go back to the old arrangement, NO!! Tara calls Madison a bitch, because that’s how they talk… Cut to Storm and Rhoode chatting while Wayne Arnold snoops with his camera. Buddy, buddy, etc. Ray, Gunner, and Abyss try to recruit Steiner backstage into Immoral. Steiner, outnumbered, will think about it. Think? Steiner? So it’ll never happen! ZING!!

* Non-Title Match: James Storm & Alex Shelley Robert “Still-Injured” Rhoode. {C} vs. Crimson & Matt Morgan. I don’t even know where to start with this. What a weird, and bad match up. FACES EVERYWHERE!!!! Lame. This one only matters (wrestling?) due to the Bound For Glory tournament. So we start off on the short bus.

Honestly, I have absolutely no hate for children born with disabilities. Rather, my issue is with adults who should know better. The kids are alright.

– Meanwhile, Mike Tenay tries to convince me to join up on the TNA fantasy pool. Fuck that. I did up the WWE one for a while and realized it was a moot endeavor, so I sent it into the future, and wished it well. Goodnight Moon! Hebner Jr. nods his head (to each bump, regretting his Dad and Uncle’s merchandise scam) as nonsensical booking ensues! I AM RUNNING OUT OF JOKES! YES, I CALL THEM JOKES. Crimson remains God-awful as Storm attempts to save the match. NO!!! He RENEWS HIS BUS PASS INSTEAD! This match isn’t terrible… it’s also not great either. I think I will give it 452 Severed-Left-Feet-Found-Off-The-Coast-Of British-Columbia out of 1242. Matt Morgan manages a finish and pin on Rhoode picking up the all-important-Bound-For-Glory-points and launching himself into first place in rankings. Lot’s of hyphens in this paragraph.

I’ve had Athlete’s Foot like this… yet sadly, I am no athlete. I am an Armchair MVP though.

– Abyss continues to misquote, and misunderstand The Art of War. Torture is not the key to victory, but Abyss is convinced he is. He has a bus pass, after all.

– A Dungeon Siege III advertisement shows us orcs being slaughtered by everyday Joes playing the game online. Played the demo, tried it out. It’s average at best, pick it up on the cheap. Everyday Joe’s are not ThinkSoJoE’s and we still haven’t seen him. I say, “BOO!”

_ Eric “E.Y.” Young walks around Orlando wanting a piece of Popeye the Sailor Man, Olive Oyl, and Brutus. Yep, it’s done in a pop culture way, but WTF is this? I realize Young is convinced he can only challenge people who have appeared on television for the title… BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??? ALL OF THE WRESTLERS ON THE SHOW APPEAR ON TELEVISION!?!?! THE FUCK??? FUCK??? Still… I laughed.

Speaking of Athlete’s Foot… well, I recommend a cream that allows you to rub it in.

– AJ Styles talks about the all X-Division PPV and puts it over. He’s coming home. The crowd eats it up… he wants his six side ring for one night only. Paul Heyman’s eyes are red, and not because he was smoking weed with RVD in the back. Styles drops names like his Rolladex fell on the floor. Out comes Somoa Joe to agree and give props. He also notes that the XD got hot when Joe arrived. “Samoa Joe gave the X-Division it’s balls!” As does Christopher Daniels… and the Fallen Angel notes he’s kind of an innovator, and should join in. I don’t care if this has shades of the ECW ONS. Great segment. I mark out! 🙂 All three will face each other in a 3 Way Dance on the PPV!

– I guess that Joe is not officially in the match yet, as I jumped the Motor City Machine Gun. So after Kaz approaches Daniels, Joe attacks Kaz to build up the feud. Then we get Darsow’s brief promo for the X-Division match. I guess he’s not going to win, with the least important highlight reel? Hmm… swerve? He’s the son of Barry Darsow after all? I don’t know… just going to watch this one with little real-time commentary.

* Zema Ion vs. Dakota Darsow vs. Federico Palacious – This should be interesting, as we are treated to three grapplers I am unfamiliar with. Thank goodness I don’t do a play-by-play style of article. After a fun high-flying match (and easily the best of the night), Zema Ion hits a 540? splash and the pin for the win. If you like acrobatics, this is the part to watch of tonight.

– Cut to RVD in a meaningless promo, except when he name drops Jerry Lynn. He appears backstage with him, as RVD notes they were “X-Division” before there was an “X-Division.” True.

Oh! Now I AM entertained! Hells yeah, dancing lobsters!

– I can’t believe that in my old age I am ahead of the pop culture curve. Motoralla seems to think Angry Birds is still cutting edge… and Ice-Cube versus Coors Light is relevant. Weak. Speaking of retro that is cool:

The Secret World of WWE Figure Collecting? Yep, CNN with breaking news. Actual, thank the man known as Al Creed for this little link. And obviously the folks who made the article.

* Falls Count Anywhere Street Fight: Winter vs. Mickie James. A pretty boring brawl here. Winter slaps Mickie into props backstage, and so forth. Swearing. Yawning. FFW’ing! Earl Hebner watches on, thinking about the good old days. They take it to the arena. James’ finally gets some offense in, while I am offended. The zombie (fuck you, zombies don’t talk) Angelina Love interferes as Winter snowstorms Mickie for a pin. At least I used a term that makes more sense than this oddly appealing feud.

– * Non-Title Match: Abyss {C} vs. Sting. What is the point of this match, again? Anybody? I suppose it will stage a run in. Some kind of Immortal stuff. I am not watching this, and fast forward right to the end. Mr. Anderson walks out after 7 minutes of terrible action. Abyss has a glove wrapped in barbed-wire, which Sting takes from him and punches Abyss in the face! DQ, I guess… Abyss has ketchup all over his face as Sting turns to look at Anderson who has walked out onto the ramp to watch. That’s our show? Really? I guess it wasn’t turrible.

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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