Home ▸ Impact ▸ Impact Wrestling: 07/21/11

Bah… I’m not doing uber awesome today, or this week post Sunday for that matter. Went a little to hard at the Calgary Stampede, then caught the Money in the Bank PPV later… still feeling it days later. Must be getting old, I suppose, so I should fit right in with the majority of the Impact Roster, huh?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

– Last week, Sting captured the TNA Heavyweight title off of Mr. Anderson. So he’s out to do up his best Jack Nicholson impersonation as the Joker as Heath Farley. I won’t go into details, as they are not worth much here. Kurt Angle comes out to address him being both the number one contender and as one of the five masked clowns who helped the title change hands. Kurt notes all this stuff, and that at Hardcore Justice they will square off for the title. Angle is a bit sick of the over-the-top Sting, and says that they are legends, etc… this means…. Immortal’s music hits and out comes Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson. Bully Ray tells the two that tonight they better learn to work together because they will face the heels in a tag match later…. laterson. Anderson also wants his rematch clause at Hardcore Justice as well.

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This little nod to HHH happened at the Toronto Blue Jay’s game today.

– Did’ja know? The famous little naked baby boy on the cover of Nirvana’s 1991 Nevermind album was almost a girl baby? Neat-o.

This dude knows how to park on a deadline.

– We’re shown the Bound For Glory Tournament standings and whatnot…

– * Bound for Glory Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. RVD in a substance abusing match! I think I figured out why Steiner has/had that little mutation muscle on his muscle. I used to think it was a dead twin or something from Total Recall… nope, it’s RVD’s stash. The match is underway, and take a wild guess what Steiner’s main offense consists of? If you guessed Belly-to-Belly suplexes and punches, YOU WIN! RVD brings his own brand of cliche moves and flippy floppy goodness to the match as well, but is working pretty soft with Old Man Steiner. Steiner heeltastically tries to call for a time-out at one point! HAHAHA! Ok, I admit it, that WAS funny. Almost near-fall on RVD who gets a sloppy last minute foot on the ropes to break the pin. Brian Hebner does a hilarious bit while berating Steiner, and goes up and down with Scott as he does his pushup spot! RVD gets a school boy pin here, for the win!

I don’t understand, nor care to, this appeal of the internet towards planking. This planktard is brought to you c/o Tom Anderson of MySpace fame who I’ve been following on G+ for almost a month. Pretty interesting to hear Tom’s criticisms of Google Plus seeing he kind-of-sort-of knows about setting up a new social network.

– Mickie James calls out Velvet to come talky-talk. James puts over Velvet for being deserving of a title shot tonight having put up with all the BS other Knockouts have been giving Velvet a hard time (and PatMan a hard… umm…) over the last few months. Winter’s music hits, and out she comes but Angelina too… and Love has the microphone, so logically they played Winter’s music. Wait, what? Angelina makes some lesbian insinuations towards the faces, and that she rants about being the best and it was Winter who helped her realize it’s all due to jealously. Winter notes that her and Angelina are the best team and once they get the title, no one will ever get their “grubby” hands on it again.

HEY PAT! RULES ARE RULES! Actually, I’m starting to run out of new Daffney animated gifs… so this might have to change in some capacity.

– * Knockouts Tag Team Title Match: Sarita and Rosita {C} vs. Miss Tessmacher and Tara. These four brawl backstage a whole lot prior to this going down. Referees break it up, not before Madison Rayne can jump in and attack Tara. Sarita screwed up her face, and so TNA wisely made this into an angle to explain why Rosita is wearing a plastic face guard… they show a shakey phone camera of her eating it in a parking lot brawl by taking a car hood to the face. Now she’s wearing some kind a S&M mask… but alas, her and Rosita do not come out with paper bags for the crowd to wear. Much of a clusterfuck here as Earl Hebner’s officiating cannot prevent the power that is the Knockout brawl fest. FINALLY we go into a normal tag match format as the heels beatdown Tessmacher. Tara is kept at ringside. Somewhere, Charles Van Barkley screams “TURRIBLE!” at the TV as Earl Hebner blatantly disregards all rules in wrestling as the heels double team, then TARA RUNS IN, AND DRAGS TESSMACHER TO THE CORNER, GRABS THE ROPE, AND MAKES THE TAG! WTF??!?!? Ol’ Heb’s must really not care anymore as Tara lands a Widow’s Peak on Sarita and pins her. NEW KNOCKOUT TAG TITLE CHAMPIONS.

Charles Barkley @G: “Now you’re using that word right, honkey. Hey how’s your 5 time-removed cousin over on Wonderpod doing? Last I heard, he was trapped in space bouncing off an invisible wall or something… maybe we’ll find out tomorrow on the latest edition of Wonderpod podcast?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, he’s still up there. And I bet he’ll be there on tomorrows episode.”

– * Bound for Glory Series Match: Matt Morgan vs. AJ Styles vs. Gunner vs. Samoa Joe. A win is worth ten points in the tournament to who ever grabs a contract hanging above the ring. I’m not sure why they have a contract here, it’s for points, not a match. They could have hung ANYTHING over the ring, hell, even a brass ring? Hell, they could’ve suspended disbelief? Yeah, that was pretty turrible, I concur.

Wow. That little kid really sucks at baseball.

– Anyways, the four men all make their way to the ring… even Gunner! Brawling commences and it’s nothing special here. Somehow Gunner takes out AJ early and a ladder is swiftly brought into the confusion… As Morgan early looks to setup the ladder, AJ comes in and almost saves the match by carrying and taking all the bumps you want to see in one of these. But look at who is IN this match, only one guy belongs in anything involving a ladder. Samoa Joe launches a nice looking suicide dive onto Morgan outside! Gunner looks to take the contract as AJ launches himself from the top ropes, onto the ladder and punches him away! JOE IS BACK! He tosses the ladder, and AJ around, but this sets up Gunner… who eats a Carbon Footprint from Matt Morgan to climb up and take the contract! CLIPBOARD OF POWER +10 POINTS! Morgan places the item into his inventory and saves his game to not lose progress in this RPG known as Impact Wrestling.

I don’t even know what in the fuck this is.

– Back to Eric Young on route to Hollywood to fight celebrities. His car broke down at a Circle-K, and spots someone he thinks is Cee Low Green. It’s actually D-Lo Brown (dude gained a lot of weight). Even the camera man, Wayne Arnold, notes this right away. D-Lo, “Eric […] I know the gimmick, you’ve got to calm down.” Young wants a challenge, and Brown is not into this… so Eric school boys him, quick counts himself a win, and runs flees from an angry old D Lo Brown. Was this cheesy as hell? Sure. Did I enjoy it regardless? I watched it twice. ‘Nuff said.

I’m tired. No punchline. Doesn’t need one anyways…

– * X-Division Title Match: Brian Kendrick {C} vs. Alex Shelley. Here’s the deal. On paper this match looks to be great. Why is it on free TV you ask? I don’t know… and if you count both Knockouts matches on this card, that’s three titles defended on one show. Whatever, sit back and enjoy some flippy floppy fun. After a number of great moves, we get a spot where Shelley launches a top rope cross body to take a drop kick via Kendrick! Later, Shelley lands a standing position on the apron to land a sick looking variant of Sliced Bread #2 on Kendrick. Austin Aries sneaks in and clocks Shelley with the X-Division title while no one is looking. Aries hides outside the ring as Kendrick retains. This is clearly sold as a confused face outcome with Aries’ manipulating being a big mystery… Scooby Dooby Doo! Great match! Smiley face emoticon!

Time for a Nerdgasm.

– Brian talks with Wayne Arnold briefly about not wanting to win that way, hence Aries interference. He puts over the division and how the guys have been fighting for this style of wrestling for years. Good mini-bit, but it looks like we’re in a crammed in segment part of the show because…. out comes Not-Chavo and Mexican America who more or less the exact same thing they say every week, except now with more added facial damage to Sarita. They call out Beer! Money! Redneck Jesus is wearing a T-Shirt that says “Beer Hunter” on the front and “Open Season 365 Days a Year.” Storm tells them to do us a favor and leave the ring, leave the company, and go back to something they are good at like cutting his grass. Ahh… the racist card is tossed back. Hate that shit. Storm thinks it is important to reintroduce themselves, and puts over Bobby Roode and uses the Ric Flair adjective-verb word string to tell us how much of an American he is, WOOO? Now the Nationalism card comes into play… But Storm then chastises Not-Chavo and his ilk for coming out every week embarrassing people of Latino background for playing up stereotypes, but then goes onto use things like Green Cards, and whatnot as an insult. I say boo. Yeah, I enjoyed the delivery, but the message contradicted itself. Therefore, fail.

Do as I say, not as I do, ’cause the shit’s so deep, you can’t run away? Something like that.

– * Knockouts Title Match: Mickie James {C} vs. Velvet Sky. Yep, here’s that other face-versus-face title match. And since Impact Wrestling is reverting back to TNA, naturally this turns into yet another Knockout brawl with Winter and Angelina attack Mickie! Velvet for the save! Out comes the recently fired (although they never “had a contract”) ODB and Jackie to add to the heels’ numbers! BUT NO! OUR BRAWL IS FAR FROM COMPLETE AS TRACI BROOKS RUNS TO THE FACES’ AID! REFEREES! REFEREES EVERYWHERE! Etc. After what feels like hours, “police officers” come out and arrest ODB and Jackie as Tenay puts over the fact they are not employed by Impact. That part was logical, actually. I guess the match is cancelled as we move on.

Why do I watch this again? Oh yeah, I’m stupid. Forgot about that.

– Wayne Arnold harasses Traci Brooks and Velvet backstage asking why Brooks came back. She said she’s been watching… blah blah blah… no time for Love Dr. Jones, it’s main-event time!

– * Sting and Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson and Bully Ray. Anderson does his intro bit, but Bully grabs the mic from him and says into it to not bother and give the crowd what they want. But Anderson does it anyways much to Ray’s chagrin, and Tenay ponders whether even the heels are on the same page tonight. They manage to eat up like 8 minutes with ring entrance jive, leaving a mere 6 minutes of regular time to wrestle. And the heels work over Sting as the man in distress… you know… because he’s the fucking champion. Sigh. Meh. DUMB… At least Brian Hebner enforces that the tag teams use the corner rope correctly throughout… because if it was Old Man Earl, he’s watch them use combat knives and M-16’s on each other all at the same time muttering, “Ahh.. but what can you do?”

– Angle finally gets his hot tag, hits multiple Germans on Anderson, and shortly after the Angle Slam for the pin and the win… effectively making the former world champion (as of last week in Anderson) and your current champion (Sting) look weak. Well done.

The Impact Wrestling logo comes up, and I’m out.

Hi Colt Cabana!

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
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LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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