Home ▸ Impact ▸ Impact Wrestling: 08/18/11

Wow, what a show. In the last little while Impact has managed to defy logic in many ways, from turning Mr. Anderson from face to heel like he’s a bouncing rubber ball… they’ve tossed the championship back and forth, and built up further the feud between Hulk “Can Barely Walk” Hogan and Heath Farley… and it looks like they’re pushing the greenest guy in the roster, Crimson, straight to the moon.

Sigh… Well at least we should get to see Eric Young fight Scott Baio tonight, right? Sorry, no.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

– Sting comes out and rolls around. He then explains it was a reenactment of what happened last week. Ok, well it got my attention… maybe not the right kind of attention, mind you. Sting then asks the crowd whether they want to see Hogan back in the ring. Cue the piped audio, as the crowd appears motionless. Then he tells us he wants Hogan in the ring tonight… Enter WOO!!! Ric Flair.

– Flair notes they’re both icons. And thinks they should have another match. Flair puts over Sting as a great wrestler. But the clause is if Flair beats him, Sting goes home and retires. Or, if Sting wins, he will deliver Hogan on a silver platter. That doesn’t seem fair. But Sting accepts the offer.

This is how I feel watching this show sometimes.

– Flair walks into Hogan’s office, and Hulk starts flipping out on him, asks him where he’s been and if he’s on goofball pills again. Flair tells him to relax, and he’s got this, “Where’s the love? We’re the two best wrestlers that ever lived!” Flair is confident he’s got Sting’s number, as he always has through out their whole history in the business. Flair can save any segment.

– We get some more house show results in relation to the Bound for Glory tournament. Crimson is up to fifty points at first, and Bully Ray launched past Roode and Storm into second with 42. Matt Morgan joins commentary to add insight into the tournament. Christy Hemme’s classy looking ring outfit trend continues as she introduces….

Charles Barkley @G: “Wait a second honkey, there’s a female on this show in the ring whose every second word isn’t bitch, whore, or slut? Am I on the right channel.”

G @Charles Barkley: “And, she doesn’t dress like said prostitute either. I know.”

– * Bound for Glory Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. Devon. There is very little here, it’s like a minute long. Steiner ekes out a quick win as Devon’s sons look disappointed in their father. No worries, Samoa Joe attacks Devon from behind!! Devon’s sons look around to see if help is coming, BUT NO! So the two kids go to save their father… Enter Your Pope, My Pope, THE POPE! Joe notices the numbers game isn’t in his favour, so he exeunts stage left chuckling.

Very cool POV of the inside of an acoustic guitar…

– Joe cuts a great promo with Wayne Arnold filming backstage. He is convincingly angry here, and proclaims he will destroy the BFG tournament and every single competitor, one by one. I really hope he does.

– * Eight Man X Division Gauntlet for an X Division Title Match: Robbie E vs. Jesse Sorensen vs. Zema Ion vs. Mark Haskins vs. Kid Kash vs. Anthony Nese vs. Alex Shelley vs. Austin Aries. Hot Diggity! One on one to start, and throughout time more will enter. Meanwhile the other six stand at ringside like lumberjacks. Shelley and Haskins start (Haskins who looks like he stole John Morrison’s old look from MNM in his ring attire). Considering the chaos and clusterfuckage that is going to ensue, I’m not even going to try and cover moves (like I ever do). Also, almost everyone is wearing long black pants. Shelley is eliminated! Next up to bat is Robbie E, but is immediately eliminated due to a distraction via his little orange valet…

– Zema Ion is in next…Ion hits a sick looking swinging DDT on Haskins and then a deadly 540 (?) splash from the top rope. Pin, and Ion advances… Sorensen enters next. His gimmick is that he forgot High School is over and has his jacket from football still on. But jacket powers prove successful, and he takes out Ion. Anthony Nese (resembles a small Chris Masters) enters with some decent offence. But Sorensen takes him out too. As Kid Kash enters the fray, we hit commercials.

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We haven’t seen Some Internet Guy for a while… he’s got a new gig as a ghost buster? Or maybe he’s just moonlighting, since his full-time gig is still being crazy.

– Lord knows how much action we just missed, but we return with Kash in firm control over Sorensen. Kash looks great in this match, but is tricked and school-boyed by Sorensen. Meanwhile Kash hits a double-underhook modified piledriver on Sorensen in anger, then leaves. Aries takes the time to casually enter the ring, but cannot capitalize on Kash’s assault. I don’t know with he wins with a true brain buster, it looked sloppy. But it kills Sorensen and your winner and number one contender is Austin Aries! Kind of predictable, but fun match to watch. Aries heeltastically points out he just ran the guantlet and beat seven other opponents! HA HAHAHAHA! Awesome!

– Kendrick comes out and goes to shake his opponents hand, but Aries burns him and begins to walk away. Kendrick looks pissed, so he jumps Austin as security comes down attempting to separate the two…

Al Creed notes the following classic Simpsons moment on facebook. Perfect!

– Traci Brooks talks with Bischoff about reapplying for her job as Knockouts boss, and more or less shoves her tits in his face. Eric seems interested…

– * ODB vs. Mickie James. ODB is once again wrestling without a contract. And there is some kind of clause that she earns one if she wins tonight. Jackie is with ODB. The story is mostly one of the typical heel ODB dominates the majority of the match… until Mickie finally turns the tide with a power up and pins her. It’s given a good five minutes or so, and as a result is a pretty good match for Impact. Jackie is rather upset that her friend lost, but reluctantly gives Mickie a quick handshake.

Dude’s turning into an Etch-A-Sketch.

– Great… now my DVR is acting a fool again. Kicking it didn’t solve anything… if I can’t FFW through this episode at my leisure, this review is over. Ok, looks like the glitch takes 6 minutes of the show away. Fuck, whatever. I return midway into… of course…

– * Bound for Glory Series Match: RVD vs. AJ Styles. Who knows how the bout started, but RVD is in control as Jerry Lynn jumps the guard rail to tell the referee he screwed RVD with a two count. There is some lady in the front row who is chanting for both combatants… she clearly doesn’t understand how a dueling chant works. Lots of high spots and attacks! Jerry Lynn breaks up a pin count on RVD, so the referee calls interference DQ on RVD and Styles is your winner. This costs RVD 10 points in the BFG tournament. Styles asks Lynn what the fuck, and RVD looks both sad and angry as our segment ends.

If the Anonymous GM ever comes back, this is the reaction I want out of Cole.

– RVD has words with Lynn who seems sorry about the whole thing, and that he felt RVD was getting robbed by the ref.

– “You think I’m falling for this? You ain’t the Joker, you’re Sting,” calls out Flair backstage in the shadows as he hunts for Heath Farley. I think he is seeing ghosts like Some Internet Guy. Spooky noises and stuff are going on. “You know what? This is bullshit,” avows Flair who somehow makes this stupid segment awesome. Finally Sting shows his face, but GUNNER jumps him… Sting easily counters him as Flair yells out, “Gunner! You’re fired!” With Gunner laid out, Sting tells him “You’re going to go somewhere some day, kid.” Hmm…

– Eric Young is seen on the streets of Hollywood looking for Baio. He asks a bunch of randoms about his location, and after one person tells him he’s been on TV, so Young tells him to tell him where Baio is or he’s fired (patting the belt), “That’s why I’m the champion.” We’re promised next week Baio, and for more to go to their website. I won’t be doing that.

Right out of the ball skate park!

– Some dipshit thought it would be a good idea to let Crimson cut an interview with Angle in the ring. Egad, he is TURRIBLE. I mean, I make fun of how crappy he is in the ring, but he managed to find a way to turn up the suck with his microphone skills. Angle puts it perfectly when he says, “You’re nobody going nowhere.” Crimson is the epitome of what Angle was promised, young guys to be surrounded by… guys he’ll make. Crimson attempts to retort and say that the young guys in the back all have respect for Kurt. Blah blah blah, god awful Crimson, blah blah.

In one fell Brogue Kick, Sheamus entertains me more than Crimson’s entire existence up to this point in time.

– Mexican America cuts their usual cookie cutter stereotype crap backstage.

– Jeffry Jeff Jarrett and Karen Angle-Jarrett join commentary, and Jeff takes a couple cheap shots at Hector Guerrero as we await the main-event. I suppose all the speculation will be whether this is all going to build towards a potential debut of Chavo, whose no-compete clause is up mid-fall. Meanwhile….

– * TNA Tag Team Title Match: Beer Money {C} vs. Mexican America. We’re told that this is MA’s last chance for a title match. Sure, I believe that clause. TOO MUCH BANTER ON COMMENTARY! Beer Money is totally carrying this one… but I’ll tell you what, it is watchable. Beer Money clear the ring, Rosita spits something on them after the crowd interaction spot. Then for no logical reason, Karen runs out and starts yelling at the faces. Earl Hebner decides to catch up in a book, I guess, and this all leads to Mexican America winning the tag titles as Jarrett and Karen celebrate with them. Redneck Jesus and Bobby Roode look all sad and shit as…

The Impact Wrestling logo comes up, and I’m out.

Hi Colt Cabana!

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
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ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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