Home ▸ Impact ▸ Impact Wrestling 09/01/11

Impact taped two episodes on the road in Huntsville, Alabama, this week. Tonight we will be watching the wrestlers perform outside of the Impact Zone, which should make for a hot crowd… one not as jaded, ignorant, or just those who like to chant nonsense to hear themselves. If nothing else, at least I can say I made one positive observation… let’s get to it, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

– Before I get down to it, I want to note: R.I.P. Wade Belak of the NHL. Belak was found dead yesterday, possibly a result of suicide as he was found hung (which could be due to the concussions he endured as one of the NHL’s enforcers). Belak had retired last April after being placed on waivers by the Nashville Predators. Why my condolences go out to the friends and families of Belak… this is the third “enforcer” to die as a result of questionable activities, possible depression, and head injuries. Derek Boogaard was found dead in May, and Rick Rypien, as well, in August.

While many of you may not be fans of hockey, the odds are you are a wrestling fan. And you know exactly who I am referring to here. Hopefully his brain will be donated to science to help us better understand and protect athletes of all sports (fixed or not). This is getting ridiculous. We know something is wrong, but little is being done to correct it.

http://www.wadebelak.com/

Ok, back to the wrestling, folks. [/rant].

– Hulk Hogan, brother dude brother, starts off the show. The crowd is hot for sure. The Network has okayed the Sting/Flair for September 15th, 2011. And the stip is if Sting loses, he retires, and if Flair loses, Sting gets Hogan. Hogan is tired of the Network’s bullying, and says the only way he’ll wrestle is if he’s good and ready. Cue Kurt Angle’s music? Hogan is basically telling him Dixie Carter can never run this place again, Angle states, “Your enemies are now my enemies.” Angle is giving Sting his title rematch tonight. Cue Heath Farley’s music. Rubberface makes his nonsensical self’s way to the ring… he agrees to face Angle tonight, and some more garbage falls out his mouth about Hogan. Sting’s music plays, but Hogan demands the music is cut off. Hogan’s paranoia gets the better of him and makes himself the guest enforcer.

Sometimes, I never learn. Neither do they.

– Thank god for small miracles, as we’re graced with the Bound For Glory leaderboard. Matt Morgan, injured joins commentary, and our list reveals that Crimson, Devon, and YOUR POPE, MY POPE, THE POPE are all listed injured. That means only six remain.

– * Bound for Glory Series Match: RVD vs. Gunner. RVD carries Gunner to a decent bout here, and Jerry Lynn makes his way out to “observe.” RVD lands a sweet looking top rope kick almost across the ring for a near-fall. Then RVD goes up again, and Lynn pushes him off costing Van Dam the match. Lynn dons a heeltastic smile and adds fuel to the fire for their PPV match.

Charles Barkley @G: “I’m reading the spoilers right now, G, and it looks like TNA is making a rather controversial decision for next week. Making him a babyface? REALLY?”

G @Charles Barkley: “I hear that Chuck. Not sure what the logic there is, but I find when trying to understand the little promotion that couldn’t, I generally come up with nothing. Turrible.”

– Eric Bischoff and Traci Brooks make their way to the ring, as Bischoff ogles the silicon… all of the Knockouts are in the ring. Easy-E calls the division “the pride and joy of the company” but “it doesn’t change the fact that they are women.” Then Bischoff takes the Suffrage movement back 200 years or so, talking about panties, whining, etc. Thus, only a women can provide leadership, and implies he fucked Brooks so she could get the job as “V.P. of the Knockouts Division.” BUT SWERVE!!! NO!!! SHE FUCKED HIM FOR NO REASON!! Out comes Karen Jarrett-Angle as Brooks flips out. Jeffry Jeff is there too with his AAA “title.” While the setup sucked, I like this change. Karen has been pretty decent on the stick and fits this role as a non-wrestling personality quite well. This is surprisingly an entertaining script which ends with Karen making Brooks’ her personal assistant.

Metal Slug in real life? Cool!

– During the break Winter taunts Mickie with the belt, setting up tonight’s title match.

– * Jesse Sorenson and Brian Kendrick vs. Austin Aries and Kid Kash. Brian Kendrick stole some ancient Aztec head gear or something. Whatever, the match is underway. This is a high flying, action packed spotfest to say the least. Aries is awesome even when he is not in the ring, what a great heel that exudes charisma. Him and Kash have some good heel chemistry, utilizing underhanded cheap shots as well. At one point, Kendrick looks to setup Aries for the Doomsday Device with Sorenson, BUT NO! It gets even more bizarre as all four men setup a four man totem pole type of move!! I don’t know what in the hell you call it, but it looked pretty cool. This leads to chaos as Aries runs around the outside of the ring like he won the Stanley Cup and Kendrick bites, chasing him. Kash looks to capitalize, BUT NO!! Sorenson rolls him up and grabs a win over the veteran, much to Kash’s chagrin.

I think this dude surfing with flare(s), literally, sums up how fun that last bout was!

– We get a bunch of Wayne Arnold segments back stage. First is the direct implication that Winter is now a vampire (and the former zombie, turned blood sucker Angelina Love). Mickie James is then interviewed talking about blood being spit on her via Winter and so forth. What in the fuck?

Yep. This stuff again.

– The announcers tell us Jeff Hardy is officially returning next week. Cut to Angle and Hogan. Angle feels good, because he has a cup of coffee. Hogan bursts in telling us that loser Jeff Hardy is coming back next week. Way to put over Hardy as a draw Hogan. Angle is so mad, he tosses his cup of coffee on the ground. He’ll get a live microphone next week, we’re told… and the announcers acknowledge him dropping to a new low. Wow, that’s going to make him… egad… a baby face?!?!

The message us 10 percent’ers have been reading on the dirt sheet spoilers is to expect Jeff Hardy on the September 8th episode of Impact Wrestling… he’ll also be appearing LIVE!!!… in court, for those drug possession charges from way back.

– * Knockouts Title Match: Winter {C} vs. Mickie James. They start with some catch-as-catch-can rolls and flips to start, and I won’t lie and say that didn’t impress me. Winter breaks this up by biting Mickie’s hand. Mickie goes into full assault landing a sick neck breaker… but Earl Hebner finally clears the senility out of his eyes and tosses Angelina from ringside to the back for interference. Winter takes control for a while, only to be locked into a modified Sharpshooter, but Winter breaks the hold. After much back and forth, Mickie hits her version of a Superkick, KO’ing Winter for the pin. NEW KNOCKOUT CHAMPION, Mickie James! Surprisingly good match here, folks!

Come on turtle, you can do it…. just a little more… come on, little dude! Just… d’aww!

– Matt Morgan is in the ring, and calling out Samoa Joe for being insane and injuring half of the roster. He wants to face him man to man. This is not an announced match, so Morgan demands a referee is brought out. Joe enters the arena, as does a ref. Oddly enough Tenay tells us this is not a match, so why the hell is there a referee here then? Morgan looks a bit flabby here, but since he tore his pectoral muscle, I suppose that can be forgiven. This turns into quite the brawler, as the two take the action outside. Joe comes out on top here, all crazy, but with less facial tattoos this time.

Sometimes it’s just better to walk away.

– Robbie E is doing arm curls as Rob “The Juice” Terry walks in. Out of no where Eric Young comes into the weight room and does some lifts with the apparatus for leg curls. He challenges Robbie E to a Television Title match next week since he thinks Robbie E is one of those orange people from the Jersey Shore. Cut to Daniels and Styles blah blahing about someone coming back… Styles mumbles his words, so I have no clue what he said after three rewind attempts. It doesn’t matter, it’s someone we’ve seen before as Daniels reaction is “Again?” Who cares.

No rhyme of reason for this animated gif… I just like it.

– Hogan talks with Immortal backstage more about Jeff Hardy coming back, and totally burying the premise. Meaningless burial.

– * Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles. Did you expect a great match? With these two? Of course you did. And that is for the most part what we got here. It’s smooth and back and forth, that I can’t keep up with the keyboard and my attention. One of the better spot included AJ doing a backflip from the top turnbuckle OVER Daniels, and into an attempt at a reversed DDT, BUT NO!!! Daniels reverses it, and lands a lionsault! This leads towards the end, AJ slips off the top rope, and Daniels capitalizes and pins AJ for the win! Post match, AJ goes for the handshake, but Daniels says fuck that and leaves looking rather cocky. Excellent!

As per usual, this show has ruined my brain. But you know what? At least most of the matches have been pretty damn good tonight.

* TNA Title Match: Kurt Angle {C} vs. Sting. Wow, this sure takes a long time to start up. Ring Entrances, announcements, and so forth…. And considering CM Punk didn’t even get a ring entrance the other night, CM Punk Is Not Impressed.

Nope

Still no…

Yeah, Punk went there… then forgot he had an account…

– This match isn’t shitty. It’s not great either. But Angle does land three Germans on Sting, so I’ll give it that. Sting is really of the benefit that he’s in here with Kurt. Sting lands a nice reverse DDT (but we just saw this attempted last match, so…). Angle lock is slapped on, and Sting takes a long breather. Later, Hogan enters and hits Sting with a chair across the chest, which Sting no-sells. This allows Angle to hit the Angle Slam and retain. Post match, Angle is tossed, and Sting looks to have Hogan’s number. Bully Ray and Scott Steiner enter the fray to fuck up his shit. Abyss, Gunner, etc…. but then of all things, Ken Anderson runs in with a baseball bat to save Heath Foley from his battle against a small army…

The Impact Wrestling logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
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LarG Productions
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Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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