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Happy Valentine’s Day!!  Here at BoredWrestlingFan, we love you all!  In a non-creepy kind of way.  Like family, really…  I love you like brothers and sisters and dysfunctional cousins, and that one uncle who always comes in around Christmas time dressed up like Santa, just to get you to sit on his lap, but always gets punched out by your dad.  Yeah.  I love you all like that.

Anyway, now that I’ve creeped myself out, who will be the guest host for Wrestlemania?  And who is going to be showing themself next week on RAW?!  AND WHEN WILL RANDY ORTON WEAR PANTS?!  All these questions (or, y’know, just one of them), and more will be answered on tonight’s edition of Monday Night RAW!

Earlier tonight, the RAW GM announced three singles matches: Randy Orton v King Sheamus, John Morrison vs R-Truth, and John Cena vs CM Punk once more, but tonight, there will be a winner and the New Nexus is banned from ringside!!

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LOVE YOU TOO!!!

John Cena vs CM Punk – There Must Be A Winner and New Nexus is Banned from Ringside

<VIDEO PACKAGE: After the New Nexus destroys the other Elimination Chamber competitors, John Cena shows the New Nexus that he will not be neutralized.>

Before the match, Cena thanks King for the assist, and comments on the crowd.  He says he sees some guys smiling, sweating, and that could only mean that it’s Valentine’s Day.  He says it’s good to see all the couples, and nothing really says “I love ya honey” like a pair of tickets to WWE.  Love is in the air, but so is Wrestlemania!  Tonight’s gonna be big, because tonight we find out who will host Wrestlemania!  As we can see, everyone’s talking about it, and there are tons of theories.  Lady Gaga (after showing up at the Grammys in an egg), Sammy (after leaving Jersey Shore), but Cena thinks that his theory is the most solid: Michael Cole hosts Wrestlemania.  He says that he’s equally upset, but Mr. McMahon said last night (Last week), all this special stuff.  Cole gets a special feeling every time the GM sends him an email, Cole has a special attraction to Miz and A-Ry, and something that’s never been seen before?  They’ve never seen any absolute proof that Michael Cole is actually a man.  Cena says that there’s no need for Cole to stand up and embarrass himself, because he’d look like a host.  Tonight, we find out who hosts Wrestlemania, Sunday we find out who goes to Wrestlemania for the WWE Championship.  Cena says that after his year, he needs this Wrestlemania moment.  At one point, he was a slave, working for a group of radicals, and then he was fired.  And then he was living off of powdered milk and Crayola crayons, and then he came back and still had to deal with the group of radicals called the Nexus.  The great thing about the Elimination Chamber is that only one man from that group can step inside, and that’s CM Punk-

CM Punk’s music interrupts and Punk comes out with a mic.  He says that he does not need to listen to this anymore, just as he does not need the members of the New Nexus to defeat Cena.  Cena’s a sports fan, it’s in the history book, the last two times that Punk and Cena met, let the record state: CM Punk: 2, John Cena: 0.  He doesn’t need to listen to Cena run down Cole, or the people in Anaheim, because he is a good person.  Trust Punk, Cena, even here, good things happen to good people.

The match starts with Punk closing the distance, and the two lock up, only for Cena to push Punk in the corner.  Punk seems to have an injured leg, but runs to Cena to miss a clothesline, and throws Punk across the ring, and Punk moves as Cena runs to him, sending Cena shoulder-first into the steel post.  Punk gets on the apron, and jumps onto Cena on the outside.

<COMMERCIAL>

@Niki_Sushi I think I just heard Cole jizz himself when Punk complimented him. I think it’s a love square here now. #BWF #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar Uh-oh, Punk. Last time someone tried a win-loss countdown with John Cena, they got destroyed. Poor 2009 Miz.

@CMPunkSays So is Michael Cole asexual or a hermaphrodite? #VagueSexualSlurs #WWE

@legendkiller515 cole is a good Samaritan? since when? #bwf

@SadieandCompany Love the Grey’s Sports Almanac reference from @CMPunk! #WWE #BWF

We come back to Punk dominating Cena, and he goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out a two.  Punk pulls Cena back up and suplexes him into another cover, but Cena won’t be put away.  He latches onto Cena’s shoulder, and Cena gets him off with an arm drag before running right into Punk’s foot, and Punk goes for yet another cover.  Punk then wraps his feet around Cena’s waist and applies some pressure.  Cena works on getting Punk’s legs out from around him, and tries to lock in the STF, but Punk gets to the rope and elbows Cena off of him.  Punk steps on Cena’s head and back, and the ref gets him off.  Punk stands Cena up, and delivers a hit to the forehead.  Punk continues with some hits to Cena’s head before wrapping it up with a kick to the chest.  Punk relishes in the boos for a minute before meeting a punch to the gut by Cena.  Cena Whips Punk, who counters, and then Cena hits some shoulder takedowns, and a sidewalk slam.  He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the Attitude adjustment, but Punk pushes him off and kicks him right in the face.  Punk goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two.  Punk goes back to the submission, putting Cena’s head in between his legs, but Cena gets him up, and Punk fights his way to safety.  Cena reverses and hits a Gutwrench, but Punk gets out of the cover.  Cena climbs up on the top rope, but Punk jumps up and kicks him in the head, sending Cena back to the ring.  Punk runs across the ring and gives the high knee to Cena before missing the Bulldog, and Cena tries to hit the STF only to get met with a swinging neckbreaker, but Cena kicks out of the cover at two.  Punk gets Cena up, but Cena counters and goes for the cover, but Punk kicks out at two.  Punk delivers some hard and high kicks and goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two again.  Punk climbs out of the ring and goes to the top rope, hitting a cross body, but Cena catches him and puts him up for the Attitude Adjustment, and Punk gets the top rope.  Cena sends him out of the ring, and Punk gets a chair from someone in Nexus, followed by a wrench.  As the ref gets the chair out of the ring, Punk hits Cena with the wrench and hits the Go to Sleep for the win.

CM Punk wins via pinfall.

And there’s the end of RAW! … Oh, wait.  It’s still the beginning of RAW…

Josh Matthews is taking the place of Jerry “The King” Lawler because King is taking time off after the death of his mother.  Our prayers are with him and his family.  But don’t worry, he’ll be at Elimination Chamber.

Still to come, the Wrestlemania guest host!

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young and Mark Henry’s hand is all grown up and it’s joined the Nexus!

@Niki_Sushi Huh. I haven’t heard any rumors about it being Johnny Depp or Ryan Seacrest. If only. #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes Michael Cole lies, NOBODY says it will be Vince McMahon

@N_er_d Diljeet Guest Host Revelation today. Please be someone sensible. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@legendkiller515 cole just sounds like a hater. he got that #hateration going on #bwf

<WWE Slam of the Week: Two weeks ago, Alberto del Rio announces he is going after the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania, and proceeds to beat Edge upside the face with a guitar, and then gets him in the Cross Arm Breaker.>

Justin Roberts tells us to welcome Ricardo Rodriguez.  He says Ladies and gentlemen, something something something something something, something about a suit, something something, Excellent, Mexico, Alberto del Rio.  Thank you Spanish Class! … I hope my Spanish teacher doesn’t watch wrestling, or I’m in trouble.  And, now there’s a random plug about the Smackdown! Elimination Chamber match! … Cool.  Cause RAW is Smackdown now.  I guess.

Alberto del Rio says that his name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that.  This Sunday, it makes no difference to him who wins the Smackdown Elimination Chamber, because just like it was his destiny to win the Royal Rumble, it is his destiny at Wrestlemania to be the World Heavyweight Champion.

You think you know me…

Edge comes down with his World Heavyweight Championship, and I don’t know how he kept it because I didn’t watch.  Edge asks Alberto what’s up, and says that the past two weeks he’s been so busy beating Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown that he almost forgot that del Rio attacked him with a guitar.  So, he talks about his destiny, and Edge says he has a destiny too.  Wanna know what it is?  And then Edge takes del Rio off his feet and pummels him.  Edge backs into the corner, and starts to go for the Spear, but Ricardo does what he’s paid for and distracts Edge.  Del Rio starts to do something to Edge, but Edge Spears him.

Vickie says this Sunday there will be a World Heavyweight Championship match, but first, she’s there to introduce the new – and then has to excuse herself again – World Heavyweight Champion, her amazing boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler!  Okay, last Friday, Vickie tries to Spear Edge, but hurts herself, and Edge takes advantage to Spear Dolph.  Edge calls for another ref, and Packers linebacker, Clay Matthews went out and counted for the match.

Vickie says that she has told him over and over and over again that if he uses the Spear, he would face the consequences.  This Friday night on Smackdown, they will have the official coronation of Dolph Ziggler as the World Heavyweight Champion.  So, Edge, you lost the world title on Friday, and he is about to lose something else: his job.  Vickie has proof that Edge is the one who assaulted Teddy Long, and then she cackles.  Because this really is Smackdown now.  I have a headache now.

Coming up next, Natalya’s getting her rematch for the Diva’s Championship in a Lumberjill match.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: The steps of the shack in the rain.  We see a figure in the window.  We start to see a face, then the candles are blown out.  Johnny Cash’s Ain’t No Grave starts again, and the numbers 2.21.11 show up in fire again.>

<COMMERCIAL>

@TKeep123 Vickie reveals she has “PROOF” that Edge attacked Teddy Long…..then she cackles like a hen laying a square egg. #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw

@KeepItFiveStar Wow. Sting really grew his hair out long. And grew a goatee. Man, The Undertaker look is coming back in style. …STINNNNNG!!!

@HitTheRopes SO, how does @HeelZiggler feel about Del Rio doing his whole introduction shtick but with a Spanish flair? Remember Dolph’s, Hi my name is..

@Niki_Sushi You attacked me with a guitar. MEET MY BANJO! #BWF #RAW

@FrankWWEClown Vickie Guerrero’s laugh makes puppies run for their lives, makes babies cry, and made me vomit. Talk about a triple whammy. #WWE #RAW

@ccastagnoli Best evil laugh since Ted DiBiase; @excusemewwe

@SadieandCompany Hmmm…. 21-2 = 19 , 1-1 = 0 … WM 27 19-0 #WWE #Bwf

@ThingsColeSays You know what, could 2.21.11 be the return of Triple H?

Tonight, we have another match I don’t want to watch, as the United States Champion Daniel Bryan will go against the WWE Champion, The Miz!

Natalya vs WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres for the Diva’s Championship in a LumberJill Match

I hate Lumberjack/jill matches too.

DON’T SHAKE HANDS!  Anyway, Natalya gets Eve down on the match, but Eve gets her out of it, and then they do the same thing.  The two then try to go for the same move, and respect one another.  Natalya with two covers in a row, but Eve kicks out at two.  Eve gets Natalya on her back, but not shoulders down, and Natalya fights to her feet.  Natalya drags Eve into the ring, and gets her in that surfboard submission, but Eve gets her hands free and flips free, pinning Natalya, who kicks out at two.  Natalya gets Eve in a headlock, but Eve fights out and the two of them exchange move, but Eve hits a handspring moonsault and Natalya kicks out of the cover.  Natalya hits the spinning clothesline thing and Eve throws Natalya out of the ring.  The bellas attack her, and Maryse Alicia and Melina join, but Gail Kim and Tamina try to help her, and do so.  Eve then takes out the heel divas, minus Melina, and it looks like Maryse was hurt more. Eve gets back in the ring, and both Divas are down in the center of the ring.  Maryse leaves ringside, by the way.  Natalya goes in a roll through, but Natalya’s shoulders are down, and Eve retains.

WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.

Natalya stands up and the two shake hands again, which just infuriates me.

<COMMERCIAL>

@5CornersxSmootx #RAW Alicia Fox looks like a 6ft prostitute with that red hair.

@KeepItFiveStar Oh God! Maryse! Is she okay?! Somebody check on my fallen angel!

@kickoutblog Eve looks like Wonder Woman and Iron Man had a baby.

@legendkiller515 cole sounds like he never got some valentines love as a kid…he needs help! #bwf

@TKeep123 “Lumber-Jack” matches are usually to end some long terrible feud… This is for Eve and Natalya? What’s the point? #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw

Eve Torres and the Bellas are arguing backstage.  One of the Bellas tries to choke Eve, and Gail comes up to help Eve, and then its Eve, Gail and Natalya against the Bellas in some crappy brawl or another.  Well, I could be reviewing two people I don’t like shoving their tongues down their throats.

Cole has a lame ass segue turning back over to The Chaperone as we get a ‘sneak peek’, or, y’know… the trailer again.

<VIDEO PACAKGE: The Chaperone trailer.>

Mark Henry-

Mark Henry starts to come out to the ring, but Sheamus comes out and attacks him from behind, delivering a Brogue Kick to him, and then demands the mic, fella!

Sheamus says that to every fella in the Elimination Chamber, that’s a reminder of what he’s capable of.  And if they want an even bigger reminder, they can watch what he does to Randy Orton tonight.  A ref gets Henry onto his knees and Sheamus Brogue Kicks him again.

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley make their way to the ring.  Oh, and wouldn’t you know it?  Michael Tarver’s doin The Creep!

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar What the hell, Natalya and Gail? Eve started the fight! She ran off at the mouth at The Bellas. Called them fat. Heard a racial slur or two.

@TKeep123 Diva Pile…Diva Pile! I so want to be the back-stage Ref! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw

@HitTheRopes The backstage brawl was slightly better than the actual title match. #WWE

@Niki_Sushi Well. Looks like a Bella is getting fired. Didn’t you learn from leering at Daniel that choking is BAD? #BWF #RAW

@CMPunkSays I figured it out. Michael Tarver has been dead the whole time, BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW IT. #WWE #AsDirectedByMNightShyamalan

@KeepItFiveStar LOL Michael Tarver should come out The Creep by The Lonely Island featuring Nicki Minaj

@Niki_Sushi And he’s out! See ya later, Mark! Nice seeing you. #BWF #RAW #SameTimeNextWeek

@ThingsColeSays HAHAHAHAHAHA, MIZ JUST SHOVED DOWN CENA’S BEST BACKSTAGE FRIEND.

@kickoutblog Okay, Miz shoving that guy was hilarious.

@AkatsukiArtist @kickoutblog HE JUST SHOVED STAN

@kickoutblog Good thing Alex Riley keeps Miz’s soul in that briefcase, otherwise Michael Tarver would’ve enjoyed a late dinner

@JonHexLives The Miz shoving random backstage guy was easily the best thing he’s done since stealing Angry Miz Girl’s Slammy. #WWE #RAW #BWF

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Monday, Jerry “The King” Lawler and United States Champion Daniel Bryan defeated Ted DiBiase and WWE Champion The Miz>

AWESOME!

WWE Champion The Miz with Alex Riley vs United States Champion Daniel Bryan

It looks like Alex Riley is on commentary again, which really kind of sucks.  Though, I did laugh at Cole and Riley shaking hands, and then Cole backhanding Matthews.  I did laugh.

Miz and Bryan circle one another, and lock up, Miz getting Bryan in a headlock.  Miz then knocks Bryan down.  The two lock up again, and Bryan gets a few arm drags on Miz.  Miz elbows Bryan, and then avoids Bryan’s kick, only to get hit by two missile dropkicks in a row, and Miz kicks him in the face.  Miz then attacks Bryan repeatedly.  I’d go into more detail, but the damn cameras keep going to the announce table.  Miz puts pressure on Bryan’s jaw, putting him in a headlock, and Bryan fights out.  Bryan runs at Miz, but they both fall over and have a ‘what the fuck?!’ moment, and Bryan puts Miz in a headlock.  Miz Whips Bryan and then elbows him so hard that Miz is knocked over too before going to the cover.  Bryan kicks out, and Miz comes back at him, putting Bryan in a headlock.  Bryan and Miz duke it out with a few hits, and then Bryan Whips Miz, who counters and then Bryan flips out of the corner and retaliates with a clothesline.  Miz gets up in the corner and Bryan plants his feet in Miz’ chest before going for the cover, but Miz kicks out.  Miz plays possum and fights back, but Bryan drops him on the outside of the ring.  Miz stands up, Bryan runs at him, but Miz moves.  Bryan then launches himself at Miz outside the ring.  Bryan throws Miz back into the ring and goes up top, and plants his feet in Miz’s chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two.    Miz is on his feet, and he is lured into the LaBell Lock, but Miz gets to the ropes first.  The two seem to fight for a minute in the ropes before Miz hits a neckbreaker and deposits Bryan outside the ring.

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar OH! What a neckbreaker by Miz! Damn!

@Niki_Sushi NO! WHY CAN’T I EVER ESCAPE!? I’m going to start crying every time I heard this damn song now. Daniel, just… go away. Please. #BWF #RAW

We come back to Miz in control, and he gets Bryan up on the top rope, delivering some this to him.  Miz tries to go for the suplex that no one seems able to hit anymore, and he manages to get Miz from the top to the ring on his back in record time, but Miz still kicks out from the cover.  Bryan’s on his feet first and delivers some hard kicks to Miz’ chest, rapid-fire.  Miz ducks under his next one and goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two.  Miz does it again, but Bryan kicks out again.  Miz starts to drop Bryan onto his knee, but Bryan counters and kicks him in the chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two.  Bryan tries to get the LaBell Lock in again, but Miz gets up to his feet, and Bryan jumps onto his shoulders before dropping Bryan right on his face.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.

WWE Champion The Miz wins via pinfall.

Miz stays in the ring after his match and asks if everyone saw what he did to the United States Champion Daniel Bryan?  He knows everyone saw what he did, but there’s one person that didn’t see: Jerry “The King” Lawler.  We all know Jerry’s unfortunately not here tonight, because his mother passed away.  Therefore, Miz would like to take this moment to offer his sincere condolences.  And yet he still gets boo’d.  However, Miz says, he hopes that Jerry doesn’t use this as an excuse as to why he loses his match on Sunday at the Elimination Chamber.  Because if Miz wants him to hear one thing, it is that The Miz will still be WWE Champion because he’s The Miz and he’s AWESOME!

Apparently, the rumors about the host of Wrestlemania have included every celebrity.  I heard it’d even be Elvis!

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar That could’ve went down a really bad road. Thankfully it didn’t! #MizIsAwesome

@CMPunkSays HE’S GOING FOR THE NUCLEAR HEAT #Miz #WWE

@BrdWrstlngFn I see a lot of hate for @MikeTheMiz on here. Means he’s doing his job. Keep up the good work, Miz!

@HitTheRopes Lol, people starting freaking out thinking the WWE would have Miz go in on Lawler’s tragedy. Good job there WWE. Respectful and sells match

Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga with Mason Ryan vs John Morrison and R-Truth

HOLY SHIT TRUTH’S DREADS ARE GONE!  Oh, not they aren’t.

During the commercial, the RAW GM made this match to allow Truth and Morrison a chance at revenge, or something.  Truth starts out with McGuillicutty and starts beating him up, but McGuillicutty fights back, only to get beat again.  Morrison has some red around his eyes, and Otunga distracts the ref, so Morrison goes to get him, and Ryan gets Truth out of the ring and kicks him in the ribs.  McGuillicutty climbs out of the ring and rams him kidney-first into the apron before hitting him again.  McGuillicutty throws him into the ring and goes for the cover, but Truth kicks out at two.  McGuillicutty tags in Otunga, who suplexes Truth and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out.  Cole and Matthews argue over Punk’s victory as Otunga works on weakening Truth.  Truth fights back and dodges a wild clothesline before dropping Otunga on his neck.  Truth and Otunga are both down in the middle of the ring and Morrison gets in against Otunga.  Morrison drops Otunga and hits him repeatedly, obviously furious about the attack on him last week.  Otunga tags McGuillicutty in, but Morrison doesn’t care.  He’s gone Hulk, and proceeds to just beat the shit out of McGuillicutty now.  I’m not sure if the ref or Truth are safe either.  Morrison works harder on kicking the shit out of McGuillicutty, and the ref finally gets him off of Otunga, and Morrison kicks Ryan away from the ring before sending Truth out on Ryan.  Morrison kicks, or knees, McGuillicutty in the face and pins him for the win.

R-Truth and The Hulk John Morrison win.

Mason Ryan attacks Morrison from behind, but Morrison and Truth fight him out.  The ref raises his hand and Morrison jerks it away to glare threateningly at Nexus.

Chris Jericho’s new autobiography, Undisputed, is available Wednesday!  It’d be the perfect late Valentine’s Day present for your favorite RAW Reviewer, just so you know…

Coming up, the guest host of Wrestlemania will be announced, and Randy Orton and Sheamus will go one-on-one.

<COMMERCIAL>

@CMPunkSays Did John Morrison just activate Devil Trigger? #WWE

@KeepItFiveStar John Morrison’s traded in the Parkour for Hardcore! He is PISSED!

@Niki_Sushi No, it goes like this. ‘JoMo used DUCT TAPE! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!’ #BWF #RAW

@JRosz78 At least they didn’t give that crackhead R-Fail a mic to fuck up this week! #RAW #WWE #BWF

The co-star to Triple H in The Chaperone is here, Ariel Winter, I mean.  She says that she’s excited to be in the ring on Monday Night RAW.  Good for her.  As we know, in The Chaperone, Triple H plays her father.  Not only is tonight Valentine’s Day, but tonight is the night for the Khali Kiss Cam, and I think Cole reacted with my reaction.  Ugh.

Khali says something and I heard Kiss Cam, and I think he said BLAH BLAH BLAH!  Ranjin says that he said Welcome to a special Valentine’s Day Kiss Cam!  For the first time ever, Khali won’t be kissing anyone, but everyone else, backstage or in the front, gets to kiss.  Audience, audience, Santino and Tamina, (with the Cobra trying to kiss), then Vickie and Dolph (who looks disgusted), audience, Maryse and Ted (and Maryse totally says no and kisses Yoshi instead!), Zack and Regal (OMG REGAL KISSED HIM!), audience, Hornswoggle?!  Horny comes out with chocolates for Ariel, which is cute.  He gives her the box, and then goes to leave, but she kisses his cheek.  He hugs her and lifts her, spinning her around.  Ariel then totally loses the chocolates all over the ring.

Still to come, that stuff I said before was still to come.

Randy Orton is making his way to the ring!

<COMMERCIAL>

@kickoutblog William Regal is so manly, he’s totally comfortable with kissing another man.

@KeepItFiveStar OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOSHI TATSU GET YOU SOME!!!

@HitTheRopes Ariel Winter’s jacket is cool. And she dances better than Khali, not that that is difficult.

@Niki_Sushi Regal is my damn hero. Not many men are comfortable enough with themselves to kiss another man. #BWF #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar Awww. Chocolate botch! Mark Henry’s like “I’m on my way!” *Mark Henry runs to the ring with Ultimate Warrior like speed*

@FrankWWEClown Hornswoggle, that’s illegal. You have a full beard. That girl is like 10 years old. You little creep, you. #WWE #RAW

@HitTheRopes William Regal just wanted to get Zacked! @ZackRyder

@CMPunkSays REGAL! You cheeky bugger, you. #WWE

@kickoutblog Chris Hansen returns to Dateline NBC this week with “To Catch A Leprechaun”

@TKeep123 Next week Chaperone HHH shows up to kick the crap out of Hornswaggle for sleazing on his ‘daughter’… #WWE #RAW #BWF

@JRosz78 #RAW was goin so well then they throw this PG kid crap in there! SMH #RAW #BWF

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Repeat of the above 2.21.11 teaser.>

Tonight’s order is screwing with me… Seriously… Shouldn’t the Wrestlemania guest host announcement come before this match?  Aw, whatever.

King Sheamus vs Randy Orton

Orton comes out to the ring and looks over his shoulder, just in case.

Orton and Sheamus lock up, and trip over one another against the ropes.  Orton backs up and Sheamus kicks him, hitting some hard hits before Whipping Orton, but Orton counters and takes Sheamus down before pounding on him and stomping on his head.  He then goes to drop his knee on Sheamus, but Sheamus moves and hits him back, punching him in the head.  Sheamus punches Orton, and Orton retaliates with a back breaker.  Orton then drops the knee on Sheamus and goes for a cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two.  Sheamus shoves Orton’s face into the turnbuckle, and then Sheamus takes Orton down with a clothesline. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Orton powers out.  Sheamus steps on Orton’s chest before pushing Orton’s neck into the middle rope.  Sheamus hits Orton’s chest with five or six hard forearms, and then drives his thigh into Orton’s face.  Orton gets up and Sheamus swan dives into the ring and takes Orton down, going for a cover, but Orton kicks out at two.  Sheamus goes for a submission, but Orton fights quickly to his feet, and Sheamus holds on, getting Orton back on the ring mat.  Orton fights back up and fights out of the submission, delivering some head butts before getting kicked, but retaliating with two clotheslines and a scoop slam.  He Whips Sheamus, and then kicks him in the chest, going for something, but Sheamus hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker, and Orton kicks out of the following cover at two.  Sheamus punches him in the head and then puts him on the top rope.  Orton takes a hit, and then Sheamus goes for the super plex, and Sheamus hits the super plex!  Sheamus gets up, but Randy hits the RKO out of nowhere!

Randy Orton wins via pinfall.

Punk slides into the ring with the New Nexus right after Orton’s victory, and John Morrison comes out to help Orton, followed by R-Truth and finally John Cena.  Randy RKOs Otunga, then McGuillicutty, and then attacks Ryan, before Cena and Randy both throw Ryan out, and Punk tries to get Randy in the Go to Sleep, but Randy counters and pushes Punk to Cena, who hits the Attitude Adjustment.

Backstage, a limo pulls up.  The door opens, and heels are what come out of the limo.

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar Sheamus is like an RKO Magnet

@kickoutblog I actually think Sheamus and Orton have chemistry, they just haven’t found the right mixture yet. #SCIENCE

@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!

@ThingsColeSays TOO MANY LIMES, TOO MANY LIMES!

@Niki_Sushi I’m open to just about anyone, but if it’s Stephanie McMahon, I’m going to whip her with Cole’s tie.. using Daniel’s arms. #BWF #RAW

And the host of Wrestlemania 27 is…

IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!!

The Rock has finally returned to the WWE, and what a way to do it!  He gets an absolutely astounding pop, so much so that I actually turned down my TV a little to try to save my head from exploding.  Then again, it already hurts, so… yeah.

Silence, jabronis!  The Rock has a microphone!

Rock goes to speak, but they start cheering him again.

Rock says after seven long years, finally, finally, finally the Rock has come back to Anaheim!  Which means, finally, the Rock has come back to Monday Night RAW!  Which means, finally, the Rock has come back home.  Before The Rock gets into that, before we electrify, before we turn this out tonight, for those of you who don’t know, the Rock has many nicknames: The Great One, The Most Electrifying Man in All of Entertainment, The People’s Champion.  But he wants to tell us something that’s important right now, as Dwayne.  It’s been a long time since he’s been back.  Seven years, to be exact.  But he wants to take this moment, in the middle of this ring, to tell us why he’s back.  It’s not because of the money, it’s not to promote a movie, he is back in the middle of this ring, because of us, the WWE Universe.  When he left the WWE seven years ago, he dreamed big, and we dreamed big with him, and we helped him to do that because we never left his side.  And he wants to take a moment to tell everyone here, millions watching around the world, thank you, he loves us, and it is because of us that he is back, and it is because of us, and he gives us his word, that he is never ever going away.  Simply put, the Rock is back.  He’s back because he wanted to do something unprecedented, host Wrestlemania!  So it happened, Rock called Mr. McMahon.  McMahon knew why he was caling, there was only one man electrifying enough, who can captivate the world, Rock, that man can only be, Justin Beiber-?!  But Rock told Vince, no no no nononono.  The Rock knows Justin, he’s cool, but make no mistake about it, there’s only one man capable enough host Wrestlemania, The ROCK!  I forgot how fast this man talks.  The Rock is going to Wrestlemania, is hosting Wrestlemania, and at the drop of a dime, the Rock with Layeth the Smackdown at Wrestlemania!  But, to who?  That’s the question.  Could it be the WWE Champion, The Miz?  Rock hears “I’m awesome” all the time.  If you gotta run around telling everyone how awesome you are, it means you completely suck.  But, there’s one more man, who the Rock wants to see, one more man the Rock is gonna see:

Cole says he has gotten an email, and Rock says WHOA!  Rock says that if Cole takes one more step toward that computer, the Rock will slap the taste out of his mouth so hard he’ll never get it back.  Does Cole think that Rock is going to let him interrupt Rock when he’s live on RAW?  Does he actually think that anyone gives a damn what the General Manager has to say?  Cole, is that what you think?  Cole says – IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!  And what you do, Cole, is sit your ass down, take off your headset and don’t say a word.  And Rock Quotes: “Know your damn role and shut your damn mouth.”  Cause if he doesn’t, Rock will post some cool pictures on the Rock’s FaceBook.  Facebook.com/DwayneJohnson.  If Cole does it, Rock will step out of that ring, go over to the computer, shine it up nice, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up Michael Cole’s candy ass!  Rock calls him a drunk hobbit and tells him to sit down.

Cole is pouting. It’s epic.

There is one man who the Rock is going to see, one man who the Rock has to see face-to-face.  A guy who he met and thought was a cool guy, wished him well, happy for his success, and when the Rock leaves, he starts talking trash about the Rock.  Rock doesn’t know and doesn’t care, and that’s John Cena.  So, let Rock get this straight: The WWE has gone from the powerful Austin 3:16 to the Dominant and Iconic Can You Smell What the Rock is Cookin’, to… you can’t see me?  What, are you playing Peek-a-boo?  Believe Rock, we can all see you.  A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck-in-the-basement Stevie Wonder can see your ass.  How the hell do you think we can miss?  Bright ass purple, green, orange shirt, lookin like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles.  Cena, Rock will see you at Wrestlemania.  Just like the Rock will see Miz, and just like he will see everyone, and just as sure as the Rock turns Wrestlemania into the most epic Wrestlemania ever, and just as sure as Rock guarantees that he’ll show he’s the most electric man in entertainment, layeth the Smackdown at any moment, the Rock and the millions, and the millions, and the millions of the Rock’s fans go to Wrestlemania and electrify, if you smell-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l what the Rock….

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Is cookin.

Well.  There’s RAW.  While I’m very glad that Rock is back, I think that they should have cut his mic time in like… half.  I’m exhausted.  Anyway, excited for Wrestlemania now!  See you all next week.

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