Home ▸ RAW ▸ RAW 3.7.11

Tonight’s RAW will feature none other than the one, the only, Stone Cold Steve Austin!!  Next week, we get the special guest host/star/whatever, Snooki, from Jersey Shore.  Say what you want, I just don’t… don’t really like Jersey Shore that much.  Anyway, I’ve sat through worse… I think.

About tonight: I hear that The Miz is boycotting tonight’s RAW.  I’m upset, but I know some people who won’t be.  And what else will happen as Wrestlemania XXVII draws closer and closer?  The Undertaker is coming to RAW tonight, and John Cena says he’s going to deliver the “Final Knockout” to The Rock.  Stay tuned and find out!

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, Triple H says that his last true challenge is ending the Streak.>

The Undertaker enters RAW to Johnny Cash’s Ain’t No Grave.  Honestly, I’m kind of glad to hear it being used like this.  It seems to suit Taker’s character very well, and… seems to me to kind of be a final theme song.  But, anyway, I’ll shut up.

The Undertaker takes the mic and says at Wrestlemania, two legends, to icons will collide, will do battle.  And in the end, there can only be one Highlander last outlaw.  Now, the word on the street is that many feel that this is the year that the Streak is broken.  That Father Time and all the battles, and all the wars, and all the injuries, are finally going to catch up to him.  And then, there are those who feel like it’s the King of Kings, The Game, Triple H who is the one guy that has what it takes to bring him down and end the Streak.  Well, Triple H, the Undertaker wants to remind you and everyone else, what has happened at the last two Wrestlemanias, what happened to someone else who thought they had what it took to end the Streak.  Perhaps the greatest of all time, Shawn Michaels.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania 25 – The Undertaker defeats Shawn Michaels.  Wrestlemania 26 – The Undertaker defeats Shawn Michaels again.>

At Wrestlemania, there will be no excuses, no regrets, no disqualifications, no count outs, no rules.  Their match at Wrestlemania will be No Holds Barred. In a match like this, the possibilities of what could happen are endless, but there is one thing that is iron-clad: The end result.  It’s just like Triple H said: Triple H ends the Streak, and the Undertaker dies.  Or, Triple H dies trying.  Triple H, at Wrestlemania, you will rest in peace.

Later tonight, John Cena will respond to The Rock and deliver the “final knockout” and Stone Cold Steve Austin returns to RAW!!

Backstage, Randy Orton is taking on Nexus, and is then driven into a steel closet by Mason Ryan, then double-teamed by Otunga and Ryan as Punk watches.  Punk says Orton managed to put McGuillicutty on the shelf, but where they’re going to send him is much, much worse.  Punk then throws his head into the steel closet again, and once more, then hits the Go to Sleep.  Punk tells them to pick “this piece of garbage” up and drag him to the ring.

<COMMERCIAL>

@HitTheRopes Once again, the guys who put together the packages for WWE are #tremendous

@KeepItFiveStar The Undertaker putting his Avid Editing skills to work yet again. Just once I want to see him in an editing room with headphones on

@JRosz78 Love Taker coming out to Johnny Cash! Never gets old! #WWE #RAW #MNBW #BWF

@KeepItFiveStar CM Punk hanging with New Nexus is like Shredder hanging with the Foot Soldiers. He’s clearly better than them and they’re not needed.

@smarkingout “Where we’re gonna send you is much, much worse.” Oh God, CM Punk is sending Orton to TNA.

@JonHexLives So Orton has officially taken Cena’s place as being the weekly target of gang violence. #WWE #RAW #BWF

Orton is in the ring, being circled by Punk, Ryan, and Otunga.  The refs come out and pull Punk off him as Punk puts his knee on Orton’s throat and continues to taunt him.  Orton pulls himself under the ropes and Otunga gets ready for his match.  The ref keeps trying to keep Otunga off Orton and asks if Orton wants to compete.  Orton says, “Uh, fuck yes.”

David Otunga vs Randy Orton

Otunga immediately is all over Orton, launching hits at his head.  Then, he runs back at him and proceeds to kick him before going back to punches to Orton’s head.  Otunga goes to grab him, but Orton kicks him.  Otunga fights back and drags Orton out of the corner by his shirt and then drops onto him, going for a quick cover.  Orton kicks out at two.  Otunga pulls Orton to his feet, and then slams Orton onto the mat and goes for another cover, but Orton kicks out again.  Otunga lifts Orton up once more, pointing to the Wrestlemania sign, and then he drops Orton again.  Another cover later, and Orton has kicked out again.  Otunga lifts him to his feet, but then Orton shows life and pushes him back before hitting the RKO and managing to pin Otunga.

Randy Orton wins via pinfall.

Ryan gets into the ring and takes Orton down with a boot to the skull.  Now, neither Michael McGuillicutty nor David Otunga will be able to assist CM Punk at Wrestlemania.  Ryan gets Orton onto his knees, and then starts to try something, but Orton hits another RKO and stands up, coiled to strike again.  Punk runs down to try to save anyone else form getting punted in the skull, but Orton keeps him out of the ring.  The two have a stare down, and Orton slowly looks over at Otunga.  Punk watches as Orton considers it, and Punk tells him not to.  Punk goes to run around the ring to get Otunga, and Orton punts Otunga in the skull.  Orton drops to the mat, pounding it as he watches Punk, who backs away.  Orton gets up on the ropes, forcing Punk to back away.

Tonight, Michael Cole will reveal the special guest referee for his match at Wrestlemania against Jerry “The King” Lawler.

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar CM Punk needs to get Festus, Serena and Joey Mercury back because THIS TEAM is pathetic…

@HitTheRopes @RandyOrton’s Punt is super effective. David Otunga fainted. Please take him to the nearest Pokemon Center.

@JonHexLives If Cena is Superman and Morrison is Spider-Man, then Orton must be Wolverine since he takes a beating and comes back for more #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Niki_Sushi Randy’s in Oprah Mode(c). ‘You get a punt! And you get a punt! And you get a punt!’ #CultofHarpo #BWF #RAW

<WWE Slam of the Week: Last Monday, John Cena defeats Alex Riley in a steel cage match.>

Earlier today, The Miz tweeted that due to not getting the recognition he deserves, he’s boycotting RAW tonight.  I’m sad.

If you close your eyes…

CHRISTIAN!

Christian vs Alberto del Rio

Before the match, we learn that last week, Christian helped Edge as Del Rio attacked the World Heavyweight Champion.  Del Rio comes down to the ring with none other than Brodus Clay at his side, but Christian doesn’t look that bothered…

Before the match, del Rio says that his name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that.  It is his destiny to be the new World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania, and Christian, you and he are going to fight.  But not tonight.  If Christian really wants to fight del Rio, first Christian has to defeat del Rio’s “little” friend, Brodus Clay.

Christian vs Brodus Clay

The match starts with the two of them locking up for a moment before dropping Christian on his face.  Clay starts to lift Christian, who jumps behind him and tries to fight him and possibly lock in the Killswitch, but Brodus hits his pec.  He does it again, and Christian dives between Clay’s legs, but is met by a head butt, then Clay drops onto Christian with one, two elbow drops and then a cover.  Christian kicks out at two, and Clay targets Christian’s pec.  Christian fights out of the submission, but Clay throws him across the ring and goes for a knee drop, but Christian moves out of the way, hitting a missile dropkick to Clay, followed by another that knocks Clay over.  Christian goes for a cover, but Clay throws him off.  Clay clotheslines him, and then Christian kicks out of the pin attempt.  Clay gets Christian onto his shoulder and starts to run, but Christian gets down and then gets up in the corner, hitting a Tornado DDT.

Christian wins via pinfall.

Right after the match, del Rio attacks Christian.  Del Rio gets Christian up, but Christian slaps him, running into a boot.  Del Rio then locks in the Cross Arm Breaker, again, and keeps attacking the same arm.

<VIDEO PACAKGE: The Rock responds to John Cena’s response to The Rock’s comments.>

<COMMERCIAL>

@HitTheRopes Was Edge busy or something? If I was Christian, I’d be wondering why my former brother didn’t come to my aid

@TKeep123 Brodus comes in 2nd on #nXt and is the 1st to make a post-nXt apparance on #RAW ! Enough said. #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW

@Niki_Sushi Yay Christian! I don’t care you’re supposed to be on SmackDown. I’m happy that I get to see you. :3 #BWF #RAW

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Sin Cara.>

Already in going into the 2011 Hall of Fame, Shawn Michaels, Bullet Bob Armstrong and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  The next inductee: Sunny.

Next up, Eve will defend the Diva’s Championship.

<COMMERCIAL>

@kickoutblog Sin Cara vignette is slick.

@Niki_Sushi Unlike Alberto’s retarded promos, this actually makes me excited to see Sin Cara! #BWF #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar Somewhere in the world Sable just threw a remote at her TV and took a shot of whiskey.

@JRosz78 Sunny was well EPIC! #RAW #BWF #MNBW

@HitTheRopes So who hasn’t Sunny pissed off that is willing to induct her?

@KeepItFiveStar And now the Sunny forecast has been ruined by EVE. Thanks Eve…you did it again. You even found a way to ruin this

@TKeep123 Eve up next to defend her #TNA Jeff Hardy DIVA belt vs Niki Bella! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW

<WWE Rewind: Last week, Diva’s Battle Royal for the Number One Contender to the Diva’s Championship.>

Diva’s Champion Eve Torres vs Brie/Nikki Bella for the Diva’s Championship

Gail Kim is in Eve’s corner.  Well, there’s your Gail sighting, but that’s all you’re going to get.

The two lock up, and Eve backs Nikki onto the ropes, and then throws her across the ring.  Eve then bounces Nikki’s head off the turnbuckle repeatedly before throwing her onto the mat.  Eve tosses her again, by her hair, before kicking her once, twice, and then clotheslining her.  Eve goes for a cover, but Nikki kicks out.  Nikki comes back by throwing Eve onto the ropes and holding her down there.  While Nikki distracts the ref, Brie hits Eve, and then Nikki kicks Eve’s head.  Nikki drops Eve by her hair and goes for a cover, but Eve kicks out.  Nikki stands on Eve’s hair before lifting her arms, and then goes for a cover, but Eve kicks out.  Cole stands on the announce table and says enough with this match, as Nikki puts Eve in a headlock.  Cole says he can’t wait to make his announcement, and he’s going to tell everyone who his special guest referee is.  Nikki drops Eve onto her face, and then punches her, and Cole keeps talking and talking.  Nikki throws Eve in the corner, and then Eve slaps her.  Eve then kicks Nikki in the head, and Eve tries to grab Nikki before Brie replaces her, but the ref catches her that time.  Eve rolls back in with Nikki, and Nikki misses a clothesline, and Eve hits whatever move it was for the win.  Brie tries to help, but backs out.

Eve Torres wins via pinfall.

Cole takes the mic again and says thank God that’s over.  Coming up next is Cole’s “Main Event”, and we’ll find out who the special guest referee will be for Cole and King’s match.

<COMMERCIAL>

@WWEsAngel_Nef You know #WWE while this is a great way to make Cole look like a douche, this is disrespectful to the women’s division. I hate this crap too

@TKeep123 Michael Cole interrupting the DIVA match to self-promote… Horrid treatment of the Divas…. #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW

@KeepItFiveStar Sit down Michael Cole with your fake ass Smooth Criminal suit

@HitTheRopes Damn, talk about sh*tting on the females. #wwe

@KeepItFiveStar Welp, Women’s History Month continues in the WWE….

@FrankWWEClown There’s only one choice for Michael Cole’s guest referee…the man known as….Sting. #wait22111alreadyhappened #makessense #WWE #RAW

@Niki_Sushi As much as I dislike Eve holding the belt, I would sooner party with Eve than watch a Bella be champ. #BWF #RAW

@kellylynndobson Eve dressed like a sexual Ronald McDonald. ugh. #BWF

Next week, Snooki is going to guest host RAW!

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Michael Cole reveals that Jack Swagger will be training him in preparation for his Wrestlemania match, and Jack Swagger puts King in the ankle lock.>

Cole is in the ring, laughing as the video plays back, and asks if he can have our attention.  He says at Wrestlemania, he’s going to compete in his first ever match.  And, well, of course, it’s in the main event (yeahright).  In his hand, Cole holds the contract.  The man who signs those documents will be the guest referee, and will have the honor and privilege of holding his hand high as he defeats King at Wrestlemania.  We may not believe this, but Cole respects Lawler.  Because of that respect, Cole picked a referee who would be impartial.  The man has vowed that he’ll call the match right down the middle, and at least King will have a fighting chance at Wrestlemania.  Without further ado, Cole wants to announce the man.  He’s a former WWE Champion, a true legend, one of the most iconic figures in WWE history, and, much like Cole, he’s a legendary Texan.  We can feel it, we know he’s here, we know this man is here.  He’s been waiting for an hour to get out of our seats and cheer for this man, so let’s start the cheer.  An Austin chant starts up.  Cole then says that those people are fools.  He suckered them in, him, Michael Cole.  Ladies and gentlemen, his referee at Wrestlemania is none other than JBL!

The trademark limo with the Texas longhorns pulls up, and I just remember the last time I saw JBL when he quit because Rey… Nevermind.

JBL and Cole hug in the ring, and JBL lifts his arm.  JBL gets the mic and thanks the crowd for booing him.  He knew that when the great JBL came back from his hiatus, that ‘you people’ would understand, and after what they went through with no champions, and JBL felt sorry for Texas.  He knew when he returned, the greatest, longest reigning champion in Smackdown history, and he knew that we would welcome him like good southern people do, with open hearts, but this is so much more important than us.  Cole is right, JBL is going to Wrestlemania, the main event, there’s other matches, there’s a guest host.  Whatever.  Nobody has ever debuted at Wrestlemania, in the main event, until now.  And JBL is so proud that this grizzled vet, standing in front of him… JBL saw the dues Cole paid, the way King treated Cole, saw that King was nothing more than a simple bully.  JBL hates bullies, and it’s wrong that the strong pick on the weak just because the can.  JBL is proud of Cole for standing up to that bully.  The world is going to know what Cole can do.  With Swagger standing on Cole’s corner, there’s only one thing missing: an impartial ref.  JBL can buy anyone in that building, but no one can buy JBL.  He’s  a man of integrity, and that’s why he’s there, why when he signs that contract, JBL goes home.  Today, JBL starts his journey back to the main event at Wrestlemania.  JBL takes the contract, but is interrupted by shattering glass…

Stone Cold Steve Austin chooses now to make his way down the ramp, and Cole just shit his pants.

Austin makes his way to another corner and Cole literally scurries to get out of his way.

JBL and Cole are pointing their fingers at Austin, and yelling at him, but Austin looks unamused.  Cole hides behind JBL, like he did Swagger last week.  Austin keeps going for Cole, but JBL moves in the way.  Austin finally gets sick of it and delivers a Stunner to JBL.  He catches his beers and puts on JBL’s cowboy hat before throwing it off and celebrating with his beer as always.  Some things will never get old.

He drinks one beer and pours another one on JBL, who squirms.  Austin then sees the contract.  Cole realizes what may be going through Austin’s head and seems to be sobbing.  Austin picks up the contract, and Cole begs him not to do it.  Austin just spit beer all over the contract.  Cole is sobbing now, by the way.  Austin says if we want him to sign that contract, give him a “Hell Yeah”.  So, Stone Cold signs it.  Austin says the special guest referee at Wrestlemania will be none other than STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!  And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so.

Cole keeps begging, and Austin rolls out of the ring, catching a fresh beer.  Austin shakes Cole’s hand, then pours three cans of beer all over his head.  Austin then tells him good luck, and shoves him back in his seat.  Austin rolls back into the ring, where JBL is showing signs of life, and Cole slowly walks right under another can of beer being poured on him, and up the ramp.  JBL just got hit in the head by a can of beer, and Austin gives him a beer.  He offers his can up, for cheers, and then drinks it.  JBL shrugs and drinks it to, before getting another Stunner. Dumbass.  Swagger’s at the top of the ramp, watching Cole have a pissy fit.

Hope Cole enjoyed his beer bath.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Rock reminds us how everything started.>

<COMMERCIAL>

@JonHexLives Michael Cole has a Boss Hog fit with Roscoe Swagtraine trying to calm him down. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@TKeep123 YES! Austin serves up 2 beers for Michael Cole-on top of his head! JBL finally waking up…Stunner #2! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW

@JonHexLives That’s like the whole 12-pack Stone Cold has poured all over that ring. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Niki_Sushi The camera won’t look at Josh Matthews because he is grinning like a damn fool right now. #BWF #RAW

@kellylynndobson Cole sounding like Nancy Kerrigan, “Why…..Why?” #BWF

@TKeep123 …and The Rattle-snake literally STUNS the 10 Gallon Hat off of JBL! Steve-wizers for everyone! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW

@Niki_Sushi ‘It was my night, it was my night’ I think it’s his night now. #BWF #RAW #JustSayin

@kickoutblog At least Cole didn’t pick Austin, that would’ve been dumb.

@CMPunkSays We will have Stone Cold and The Rock at Wrestlemania. WE WILL HAVE STONE COLD AND THE ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA. #MyBodyIsNotReady #WWE

@WWE_Creative Wow, @steveaustinBSR made it through an entire segment without saying “ass”. TV-PG is alive and well! #RAWTonight

@redsandman99 See Cole? Being a tremendous douchenozzle does not pay off in the end.

@HitTheRopes Austin just embarrassed Cole on the behalf of the Divas…. Well, not really, but one can think positively

@WWEUniverse Arrived. Raised Hell. Signed Contract. Left. #Austin316 #MichaelCole #WWE #Raw #Wm27

@FrankWWEClown I would mark out for Michael Cole vomiting all over the announce table in disgust of Stone Cold. Oh hell yeah. #WWE #RAW #WM27 #AUSTIN316

Backstage, Cole is flipping out because his clothes are a mess to Jack Swagger.  Cole says he hates Stone Cold as much as he hates Jerry, but Swagger interrupts him.  Swagger tells Cole to focus on King, and Swagger will worry about Austin.  Swagger threatens to break Austin’s ankle like a twig, and Cole goes out to shower, finally.

Jerry “The King” Lawler makes his way back to ringside, where he belongs.

Doesn’t Defend His Title On Live Television United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs King Sheamus

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Triple H, and then Evan Bourne, own King Sheamus.>

Sheamus starts out by attacking the hell out of Bryan, and hurls him across the ring before putting his fists in Bryan’s face.  Sheamus goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two.  Sheamus gets Bryan to his feet and misses a clothesline, only to eat a missile dropkick, followed by another one that sends Sheamus out to the announce table, grabbing his ankle.  The ref is counting, but Sheamus doesn’t seem to be able to really walk, let alone get into the ring.  Sheamus lets the ref count.

United States Daniel Bryan wins via count-out.

Sheamus takes a mic and says hold on a minute.  For the last couple months, he’s been on a losing streak.  But, he promises next week, all that will change, when he becomes the new United States Champion.  What does Bryan say?  If Sheamus doesn’t beat him for the title, Sheamus will quit.  Bryan nods, and I get my wish for Bryan to actually defend his title on television.

Coming up, Shawn Michaels will speak out again on the Undertaker vs Triple H match.

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!

@KeepItFiveStar Lmao! Oh My God! Sheamus looks so sad! A part of him died last week.

@CMPunkSays I was wondering if anyone else noticed the quick count. Very astute, Mathews. #WWE

@Niki_Sushi …. I forgot about Daniel Bryan. I’ll be honest. I haven’t heard his theme in forever. Doesn’t he have a belt or something? #BWF #RAW

@kickoutblog Looks like there ain’t no grave that can hold King Sheamus down.

We come back to CM Punk sitting in the ring, ready for action.

Oh, and my head was just starting to stop hurting.

CM Punk vs R-Truth

Punk goes to attack Truth as Truth gives up the mic, but Truth goes for a quick cover.  Punk kicks out and Truth hits a quick drop toe-hold, and then Punk takes momentum and throws Truth into one steel post, then another.  Then, Punk throws Truth into a third.  One more and you’ll get them all, Punk!  Truth fights back, however, and Punk does like that, attacking him in the corner.  Punk goes for a cover, but Truth kicks out at two.  Punk gets Truth in a submission, and Truth tries to fight out, getting up to his feet before fighting out.  Truth hits a clothesline, then another on Punk before slapping Punk.  Punk Whips him, and Truth tries to flip over, but Punk isn’t there.  Truth counters the attempted Go to Sleep and goes for a cover, but Punk kicks out at two.  Punk rolls out of the ring, then grabs Truth’s arm and jumps off the apron, hurting Truth’s shoulder.  Punk then locks in the Anaconda Vice, and Truth taps out.

CM Punk wins via submission.

Ryan climbs in the ring with Punk and Punk directs Ryan to Punk.  Ryan lifts him up before dropping Truth down in what King just called a shoulder breaker.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Shawn Michaels weighs in.>

I’m sorry, but I can’t focus too terribly much on this, so I’m not going to say everything he says.  First, Shawn comments on their friendship, and says that greatness rarely gets satisfied, which is why Triple H takes on the Undertaker.  Combined with Triple H’s talent, there’s a darkness in him.  Triple H is the kind of guy who could do anything and not feel any remorse about it.

Vickie Guerrero makes her way down to the ring, even though she was fired as Smackdown’s Official Consultant.

<COMMERCIAL>

@KeepItFiveStar CM Punk bringing out the Anaconda Vice on Truth! That’s how you tame a jiggaboo!

@TKeep123 You know it’s bad for Sheamus when an R-Truth match lasts longer than his! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW

@WWE_Creative We needed to have @CMPunk murder @RandyOrton earlier because Punk killing @RonKillings may turn him face. #RAWTonight

@KeepItFiveStar What’s Up?! STRAIGHT EDGE! What’s Up?! STRAIGHT EDGE! What’s Up?! STRAIGHT EDGE! What’s Up?! STRAIGHT EDGE!

@legendkiller515 Why is t-truth still rapping? I don’t get it. He’s awful. And I’m the token black guy saying he can’t rap. #wwe #raw #bwf

@kickoutblog Vickie Guerrero is here! She’s announcing herself as the first (and only) participant for Money in the Bank

I’m not convinced Snooki’s PG, but I’ll deal.

Vickie screeches Excuse Me at us again, and she’s boo’d.  Same old story.  She says due to her extensive negotiating efforts, please allow her to introduce to us, the former World Heavyweight Champion, and the newest member to the RAW Roster, Dolph Ziggler.

I am perfection…

Apparently, getting fired from Smackdown, means a… “promotion” to RAW.  But wait… Did Vickie get rehired last Friday when I wasn’t watching?  I’m confuuuuused!

Dolph Ziggler vs John Morrison

So… no answer then, WWE?  Not going to tell me how Vickie Guerrero is suddenly on RAW with a job and a microphone?  No?  … Awesome.  Oh, wondrous!  And now Vickie’s on commentary.  Oh, and King’s making fat jokes.  Sweet.

Ziggler and Morrison lock up, and Ziggler plants Morrison.  Morrison tries to jump over Ziggler, but Ziggler wisely takes out the knee.  And… a commercial.

<COMMERCIAL>

@HitTheRopes TNA got Sting and did the 3/3/11 video. WWE returns fire by getting Snooki while TNA has The Shore knockoffs.

@KeepItFiveStar HEY! Dolph Ziggler got his job back! First step Dolph! Next step Carlito! #wishfulthinking

@kickoutblog You know, she wouldn’t have to say “excuse me” so much if you’d just excuse her.

@CMPunkSays When he comes to the ring, John Morrison has this look on his face like he KNOWS he just disintegrated every pair of panties in the arena.

I come back to hear Vickie threatening Snooki if she looks at Vickie’s man, or men she’s been involved with.  Anyway, Morrison drops Ziggler to the mat three times, before kneeing him and then hits the Moonlight Drive.  Morrison goes for the cover, but Ziggler’s foot touches the rope.  Morrison tries to pull Ziggler away, abut Ziggler holds onto the ropes and rakes Morrison’s eyes before hitting a Zig-Zag.

Dolph Ziggler wins via pinfall.

The GM did hire Dolph Ziggler to RAW, but not Vickie Guerrero.  Thank you for answering me, WWE.  The general manager considers Vickie a “very polarizing figure”.  The GM says, however, that Vickie can have a job on RAW if she wins her match next week.  Her match is against Trish Stratus.

Security comes out to escort Vickie out of the ring, and she clings to Dolph’s leg while the crowd sings her out.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: The Rock says there are consequences for running his mouth.>

Next, John Cena response to the Rock with the “final knockout.”

<COMMERCIAL>

@HitTheRopes It’s weird to see security walk to the ring. On TNA I’m always seeing security running

@redsandman99 You know what this means? LayCool will interfere and it will set up Trish/Kelly vs LayCool at Wrestlemania

@kickoutblog If Snooki wants to get on my good side, she’ll help Vickie beat Trish Stratus next week.

@KeepItFiveStar “The Chaperon is a good emotional story about a dad, who’s trying to *Gets in Triple H mode* END THE STREAK!!!” – Triple H

@CMPunkSays They’re throwing Attitude Era stars at us like X-Men Origins: Wolverine threw mutants at the plot. Except that THIS is awesome. #WWE

@JonHexLives Apparently it took 20 minutes for the GM to notice Vickie was there. Guess she’s not that fat. #WWE #RAW #BWF

<VIDEO PACKAGE: The Rock calls Cena a Yabba Dabba Bitch.>

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR YABBA DABBA BITCH PLEASENOGAYJOKES

These fans can’t decide between The Rock and John Cena, apparently.  They love… whoever has the mic at that moment.

Cena says that they’re right; everything’s bigger in Texas.  Once you’re there and you look around, there’s people as far as the eye can see.  Some people are excited, some people are angry.  One guy’s angry at him, and that’s The Rock.  Cena doesn’t get it, because The Rock didn’t come out and make fun of him.  Cena likes what he has to say, calling him Fruity Pebbles.  Cena thinks it’s funny.  The impression of him is funny.  It’s a good shtick.  But, a couple weeks ago, Cena said something about the Rock, and Shut the front door, he got mad.  Rock was very angry that Cena addressed him in rap.  Rock said never, ever address him in rap.  Cena found a solution, and he will address the Rock in hip-hop, which should clear everything up.

Last week, Rock showed the whole world his ass is soft
HE talked trash from his living room and wouldn’t take his glasses off
What he couldn’t afford a plane ticket or rent a helicopter
No, Rock chose to stay home and read off a teleprompter
You can see the words in his glasses
Rewind it back I caught him
Only time you see me, homies, is when I’m whippin that Rock Bottom
They say the Rock is unbeatable, he’ll put John Cena on the shelf
But after last week, the only thing the Rock’s beatin is himself
And once again, I’m standin here
And where’ s the Rock? He must be misplaced
I get it, I’m a Fruity Pebble, you’re yabba dabba misplaced
He yelled for thirty minutes, almost made me throw up
You wanna be the people’s champ Here’s a tip: Show up
I’m so glad this thing is over so I can cross it off my checklist
Rock didn’t win, but it’s ok, I’ll give him a pearl necklace
It’s not my fault Rock, you just make it too easy to get you
You might as well attack my dog, because every week he eats my shitzu
But I made him angry, that’s not what I was in it, I didn’t want him to seem hurt
So to make amends, I actually went out and bought the Rock’s new t-shirt
(I BRING IT VIA SATELLITE SHIRT)
Rock, make them chant your name, raise an eyebrow, give us all a fun night
But don’t ever call me out again dude, cause that’s bringing a knife to a gun fight.

WWE Champion The Miz shows up out of nowhere and attacks John Cena with the WWE Championship belt.  SO much for boycotting RAW.  Cena gets up, and Miz watches him before Cena turns around, and Miz hits him again.  Miz picks up the mic, and says Cena, Cena, Cena.  You and your little buddy, The Rock, and everybody else has disrespected me for the last time.  Do you see a pattern here, Cena? Every time you and Rock get your panties in a wad, this is what happens to you.  And if The Rock was here, the same thing would happen to him.  Cena, you like to rap, well try this one on for size:

The Rock, John Cena, Macho Man and Liz
Stone Cold and Bret Hart, they’re nothing compared to The Miz.

And one more thing, hello Rock.  He and Miz haven’t been properly introduced: He’s the Miz, the WWE Champion, and star of Wrestlemania.  Rock, on the other hand, is just the host.  So Rock should know his role and be the best Ryan Seacrest he can be.  And if Rock has the guts to show up on RAW or at Wrestlemania, Miz will take his little eyebrow, his 45 catchphrases, his sunglasses, his father, his grandfather, roll them up into a ball, flip it sideways, and stick it straight up his candy ass.  Because he’s The Miz, and he’s-

Miz then gets behind John Cena and gives him a Skull Crushing Finale.  Miz stops, pulls off the band on his elbow, and then delivers the Miz’s Elbow.

–AWWWWWESOOOOME!

Well.  Interesting RAW, to say the least, and I do like the way it ended.  Yes, yes, I know.  But I’m a Mizfit, and it made me happy.  It didn’t make up for some of the things that went on, but there you have it.  And yes, I did type up that whole rap just by sitting here listening to it.  Anyway, next week we have Snooki and Trish Stratus.  See you then.

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