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Welcome everyone to RAW, I am your Legend Killer, subbing in for Joe this week, as he has disappeared off the face of the Earth at the time of this. We begin with RAW’s guest host for the night, 4-Time NBA Champion, Shaquille O’Neal.

Lawler and Shaq are in the ring, and Shaq reveals a Beat the Clock challenge to determine Orton’s opponent for SummerSlam. The participants are Triple H, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry and John Cena. Shaq chants for D.C. to get ready, and the music of Chris Jericho hits.

Jericho and O’Neal staredown, and Jericho looks like a midget.  Jericho makes a Kobe reference, then reminds Shaq that the most powerful duo in sports history isnt Shaq and LeBron. It’s Jericho and … but Shaq cuts him off and calls him Christina. Jericho talks himself up, then demands respect from everyone in the company, including Guest hosts. After another staredown between the two, Y2J introduces his new Tag Team partner, the Big Show.

Shaq and Show look eye to eye and bald head to bald head. Show says that Shaq has a better chance of making 2 Free Throws in a row, than intimidating him. Show calls Shaq slim, Shaq calls Show fat, then challenges the largest athlete in the world to a match. Show calls him a 7ft toothpick, and complains because he doesnt want the entire NBA on his back, when he cripples Shaq. Shaq knew they wouldn’t fight him, but he hired two guys that would. Enter SmackDown!’s Cryme Tyme. Jericho and Show walk away, but Shaq has one more announcement. In the match between Jericho/Show and Cryme Tyme, there will be an outside enforcer, Shaq! Shaq then chants Christina as the Tag champs head up the ramp.

COMMERCIAL: Looks like I’m here for the long haul. RAW better be good.

Did You Know? WWE Raw is a complete waste of TV space.

Match #1: Beat the Clock challenge

Mark Henry vs Carlito

My prediction. Henry in about 2 minutes 30 seconds, and it wins.

Carlito heads straight to the outside,to kill time, and the moment he heads back in. Sexual Chocolate is on the attack. Carlito tries to run again, but Henry goes and gets him. Carlito tries to jump out of the ring, but Henry catches him and throws him back in. Henry tries to go for the pin, as 2 minutes tick by. Carlito tries to escape again, but to no avail. A close pinfall as my predicition is out the window. Carlito firing kicks and punches but none of them phases Henry. Henry trying to get quick pinfalls, then a splash as four minutes tick by, but Carlito rolls out of the splash. Carlito hangs Henry up on the top rope, then springs up and knocks him off his feet for a near fall.

Carlito applies a Sleeper, as 5 minutes tick by. Henry backs Carlito into the corner, then goes for a headbutt, and gets another near fall. Carlito applies another sleeper and Henry is fading, but he quickly regains his composure. Carlito off the second rope, but Henry catches him and looks for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Carlito escapes. Carlito tries a BackStabber, but he can’t connect. Carlito off the ropes, Henry catches him, and this time lands the World’s Strongest Slam and gets the three.

YOUR WINNER: Mark Henry in 6:49.

COMMERCIAL: Up next is a 6-Diva Tag match. Joe, I’m going to kill you for making me watch this.

WWE Rewind: Mickie James defeating Maryse at Night of Champions

Washington Redskins players are at ringside.

Match#2:Six-Diva Tag Team match

Divas Champion Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly vs Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox

Michael Cole has been sent to the back to see if he can get an interview with Shaq, allowing Lawler to masturbate all on his lonesome at ringside.

If there’s no action being called here, it’s because I’m trying to finish off my bag of Doritos. The heels dominating the faces early on. Mickie gets the tag, and Mickie starts to take over the match. Jerry Lawler is no help here, as it seems he’s paying as much attention as I am right now.  Gail Kim tags herself in and gets the pin with a Missile Dropkick.

YOUR WINNERS: Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly

Beth Phoenix looks down in somewhat disgust, then a slight smile appears.

In Shaq’s office, Cole tries to interview Shaq … however … enter the Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle tries to score a dunk, but fails miserably. Apparently, Hornswoggle and Shaq went to high school together. Also, it seems Michael Cole has found his new man-crush. Somewhere, Heidenreich is crying.

COMMERCIAL

Match#3: Beat the Clock challenge

MVP vs Chris Masters

6:49 is the time to beat, set by Mark Henry

What the hell? the Masterpiece makes his return to the WWE. What not the way to make your return. So it’s the Masterlock versus the Bright Red Power Ranger.  Masters with the advantage in the early going in this one. It’s good to see MVP doesn’t hang around with that ‘thing’ from the View. MVP goes for the Boot, but misses and Masters attempts the Masterlock, but MVP escapes.

Both men brawl to the outside, and I sense a countout here. MVP tries to enter the ring, but Masters stops him and applies the Masterlock, leading to a double countout.

YOUR WINNER: Double Countout

Mark Henry still has the time to beat, as MVP is upset with himself.

Triple H’s opponent for the Beat the Clock challenge? Chicken Legs himself, Cody Rhodes. Also don’t forget the Tag match with Shaq as outside enforcer.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back and THE Brian Kendrick is in the ring, ready for his match with … the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston.

Kendrick is angry at Lawler, the bell rings and Kendrick is still ranting, Kofi nails the Trouble in Paradise, and Kendrick is jobbed out inside of 5 seconds.

Backstage, and Triple H is being beatdown by Ted DiBiase Jr., and some kind of club. How will this affect his chances against Cody Rhodes in the Beat the Clock? Will Triple H still be able to beat Mark Henry’s time? Does anyone actually care? … I didnt think so.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back …

Match#5: Beat the Clock challenge

Triple H vs Cody Rhodes

Mark Henry still has the best time of 6:49.

Lawler just called the Crippler Crossface, the STF. Jerry Lawler doesnt even know the names of the moves now.

I’m just waiting for either Cole or Lawler to say ‘Beat the Cock’ instead of Beat the Clock. RAW is NOT bought to you by Verizon Wireless, as Cole just told me. RAW is bought to you by the ‘Legend Killer’ Chris Cooley, because ThinkSoJoe has decided to no longer care about his beloved readers of this site. Either that, or he is sensible and decided not to watch RAW.

Helmsley favouring the leg that was attacked by DiBiase, and Cody focuses all his attack toward that leg. Triple H trying to avoid Cody, but Rhodes will have none of it, and continues after the leg of the Game. Rhodes applying various submission moves, but Triple H fights out of every one of them. Cody to the second rope, and drops Helmsley to the mat, as 2 minutes remain on the clock. Rhodes tries again, but HHH counters and goes for the Pedigree, but Rhodes gets a chop block.

Rhodes takes a page out of Daddy Dusty’s book, and applies the Figure Four, but Helmsley quickly rolls the move over. Under a minute remains, and Triple H connects with the Spinebuster. Ted DiBiase comes up to the apron, daring Trips to hit in. Instead, he sends Cody Rhodes into DiBiase, sending the Million Dollar baby to the mat. Trips hits the Pedigree, but it’s all too late as he fails to beat the clock.

TRIPLE H DOES NOT BEAT THE CLOCK

Mark Henry’s time of 6:49 is still the top time.

In Shaq’s office, Shaq and Santino are playing Scrabble. Santino is complaing about the words Shaq is using, as Cryme Tyme enters. Cryme Tyme an Shaq chant ‘Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah’, as Santino begins rapping. Santino rapping is pure gold! Once the rap is done, Shaq is left alone with his scrabble game and says “Vince McMahon couldn’t even beat me at this game”. A commercial follows.

COMMERCIAL

Match#6

Hornswoggle vs Chavo Guerrero

Why is he wrestling? Hornswoggle that is.

This is a complete waste of Chavo’s skill and ability in the wrestling ring. Oh look, a stipulation, Chavo must wrestle blindfolded.

Hornswoggle crawls under the ref’s legs, and Guerrero takes down the referee. This match can only be described as un-needed filler. Chavo wants to go off the top rope, but Hornswoggle has long since moved. Chavo crashes and burns with the Frog Splash, Hornswoggle heads to the top rope, hits the Tadpole Splash, and gets the victory.

YOUR WINNER: Hornswoggle

Randy Orton backstage, and he is confronted by Jack Swagger. Swagger says he’ll beat the clock. Orton isnt scared. Swagger leaves, Henry enters, and stands next to Orton, smiling. Either it’s because Henry currently holds the fastest time in the Beat the Clock, or that Henry just urinated down Orton’s leg.

COMMERCIAL

DID YOU KNOW?: TNA iMPACT airs Thursday Nights on Spike in the U.S., and Saturday Nights on FOX8 in Australia

Match#7: Beat the Clock challenge

Jack Swagger vs Evan Bourne

Two former ‘ECW’ superstars face off. Evan Bourne has new music. It’s Matt Sydal vs Dusty Rhodes 2.0

Swagger using his power advantage and gets the upper hand on Bourne. Swagger with an Inverted Northern Lights suplex, and gets a near fall. Swagger goes for snake-eyes, but Bourne counters. He heads up top, but Swagger throws him off the top, then quickly nails a splash and gets two near falls in succession. Swagger goes for a Powerbomb, but Bourne counters into a roll-up, and gets the three.

YOUR WINNER: Evan Bourne

JACK SWAGGER DOES NOT BEAT THE CLOCK

Mark Henry’s time of 6:49 is still the best time, although, in my opinion, Evan Bourne should now have the best time.

John Cena’s opponent has been announced … the Miz!

COMMERCIAL

Jeremy Piven is announced as next week’s RAW guest host! He has a movie coming out, the Goods.

A replay of Triple H’s Beat the Clock match comes on, then Josh Mathews interviews the Game. Trips decides that if he takes out Rhodes and DiBiase, then Orton is nothing.  Thus, he challenges them to a 2-on-1 Handicap match next week.

Match#8: Beat the Clock challenge

John Cena vs the Miz

Miz comes out on the mic, and gets a shot in on the sports teams. The Redskins and Wizards to be exact. He talks about how all he’s gotta do is dominate early, and then run the clock down. Will we find out? Nope, commercials come first. You know that.

COMMERCIAL: The toaster is real, Brian!!

We’re back, and Randy Orton joins Lawler and Cole at ringside. Enter the Cena.

The match is underway, and Miz is stalling as much as he possibly can, until he has to get back into the ring. Cena gains the advantage, but Miz gets it back. Four minutes remain, Miz with a Sleeper, but Cena escapes, only for Miz to regain the advantage, and toss Cena to the outside. Miz sends cena into the ring steps, and Cena crawls back into the ring at 9. Miz hangs Cena up between the top two ropes, and teases Cena. The ref helps Cena out of the ropes, and locks in the STF on Miz. The normal formalities ensue.

YOUR WINNER: John Cena

John Cena advances to Summerslam to face Randy Orton for the WWE Championship. Before you say anything, yes I know, groan when ready.

COMMERCIAL

The offical song for Summerslam is “You Gotta Move” by Aerosmith. Nice to see the WWE get a nice, modern band for their music.

MAIN EVENT or Match#9 if you like it that way

Chris Jericho and the Big Show, the Unified Tag Champs, vs Cryme Tyme (JTG and Shad) with Shaquille O’Neal as Special Enforcer.

For those watching, did you notice that loud reaction Cryme Tyme received? Me neither.

Jericho and JTG start off, and JTG gains the upper hand early on in this one.  Jericho gets a cheap shot in on JTG, and the blue does not suit the Big Show. Show looks like he borrowed from the wardrobe of Mr. Perfect, as he beats down JTG. Show tags in Jericho, and Y2J continues the assault.  Tag champs dominating until JTG knocks down both men. Shaq helps JTG get the tag, and Shad comes in with all the momentum. The special enforcer helps out Cryme Tyme as the start to beat over Jericho. This leads to the Big Show, and what appears to be a DQ as Show just cleans house, chokeslamming both of Cryme Tyme at once.

This brings Shaq in the ring, and the two big men staredown. They grab each other by the throat, and Cryme Tyme helps Shaqs get the upper hand. Shaq then sends Show out of the ring with a Shoulder Block. Shaq and Cryme Tyme stand tall in the ring, as RAW winds down.

Overall, Michael Cole has found his new man-crush which is very, very disturbing. This was Monday Night RAW, stay tuned next week, where Jeremy Piven is guest host. This has been your Legend Killer, reminding you, to pick up Season one of Code Monkeys on DVD.

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