Home ▸ RAW ▸ RAW on DVR review – 3/2/09

HBK takes on Vladimir Kozlov and… well… um… that’s all we know!  WWE’s been putting on some decent shows lately, let’s hope this one doesn’t disappoint.

I lazily review the show – after the jump!

RAW kicks off with a recap of the story so far between Randy Orton and Triple H.

The RAW intro plays, the pyro goes off, and we’re live in Boston, MA, and the RAW set looks like it’s feeling the recession.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring.  Vickie Guerrero wants him to make an announcement.  It’s the biggest announcement The King has ever made on RAW.  It’s one of the biggest matches, if not THE biggest match on RAW.  Tonight there’s going to be a World Heavyweight Championship match.  Edge will face John Cena!  (really?  tonight?  What a waste!).

Rowdy Roddy Piper’s music hits, and he’s apparently here to host Piper’s Pit…  or not!  Chris Jericho is here to host Piper’s Pit, complete with the old set.  He welcomes us, and says that tonight he’s gone through great lengths to get the Piper’s Pit set, bring it to RAW, and conduct the show himself.  He rolls a clip of Piper smashing a coconut over the head of Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.  That’s who Jericho’s guest is tonight.  Jericho shows Snuka some footage of matches between Piper and Snuka.  Jericho says they looked good back in those days.  Jericho calls Snuka the poster boy for the movie The Wrestler.  Does Snuka know how many wrestlers lost their chance at winning the Royal Rumble last year because he had to hog the spotlight and enter the match?  (JoE note:  one.  Just one.)  Jericho’s says that if the Superstars in the back aren’t careful, they’ll end up like Snuka, a pathetic disgrace.  He tells Snuka he’s finished and that nobody cares about him anymore.  Nobody wants to see him anymore, so he should pack it in, go home, and stay there.  Does Snuka understand?  Snuka says no.  Jericho says he’s not getting through to anybody.  Piper said old school was cool, so Jericho’s going to go old school.  He’s going to remind Snuka of the glory days.  Jericho breaks out a bunch of fruits, a la Piper back in ’84.  Snuka manages to get ahold of it.  Jericho backs away.  He takes off behind the set of the Pit, and Snuka’s music plays.  Jericho pushes the set over on Snuka, and puts the boots to him, then whips him with his belt.  He stuffs a banana down Snuka’s throat.  The crowd calls Jericho an asshole, and we go to our first…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

So, for the benefit of those with short attention spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans: Jericho beat the crap out of Jimmy Snuka.

Jerry Lawler is particularly upset with Jericho’s actions.

Later tonight, John Cena faces Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship.

The Money in the Bank briefcase is hanging above the ring.  The winner of this next triple threat match will qualify for the MITB match at WrestleMania.

Booyakah, booyakah – whatever that means

Rey Mysterio is out first.  Mike Knox follows, and Kane is entrant number three.  See No Evil is on SciFi this Saturday night at 9PM.  But, it’s not May 19th yet!

Kane won a triple threat match to qualify for the Money In The Bank match.

Well, I was personally expecting Knox and Mysterio to both be in the Money in the Bank match at WrestleMania, but obviously that’s not going to happen.  In the end, Mike Knox ate a chokeslam and got pinned by Kane, who is now going on to join CM Punk in the Money In The Bank match at WrestleMania 25.

Kane gives Mysterio a chokeslam for good measure before leaving.

Still to come, Randy Orton makes his decision about which champion he’ll be facing at WrestleMania.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WrestleMania Moment: WrestleMania XII saw the WrestleMania debuts of Triple H and Stone Cold, but forget that crap, this ‘Mania was all about the 60 minute Iron Man match between Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart that went to overtime when neither man could score a fall over the other.  “The boyhood dream… has come true… for Shawn Michaels.”

Todd Grisham is with the guy who won that Iron Man match.  How does he think he’ll be able to beat Vladimir Kozlov tonight.  Well, Grishy, HBK overcomes obstacles all the time.  Hell, eleven years ago in this building, he wrestled what should have been his last match.  Tonight he’s going to end Kozlov’s streak, and at ‘Mania, he’ll end The Undertaker’s.

Oh boy.  Another damned Diva’s tag team match.  Mickie James and Kelly Kelly come to the ring, and we go to a…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Jerry Lawler thinks he’s in heaven when we come back, because not only are Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, and Jillian Hall in the ring, with Rosa Mendez and Santino at ringside, but he’s got Melina and Maryse sitting to his right on commentary.

Kelly Kelly & Mickie James def. Jillian Hall & Beth Phoenix

This match doesn’t matter.  Not one bit.  Kelly and Mickie win when Kelly rolls up Jillian.

Rosa attacks Kelly after the match, and when Melina goes to make the save, Maryse pulls her off the apron and DDTs her on the concrete.

We’re then shown (again) a video package of the recent history between Triple H and Randy Orton.

Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, Orton’s Lawyers, and a team of security guards make their way to the ring.  Orton’s got his choice of champions to wrestle at WrestleMania, and apparently is about to make his decision.  NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Orton’s got a mic.  I have a donut.  Big whoop, wanna fight about it?  Anyways, he’s entitled to a championship match at WrestleMania.  So he’s officially challenging the winner of tonight’s Edge vs. John Cena match.  We probably thought he’d be challenging Triple H for the WWE Championship, but Triple H isn’t going to WrestleMania, he’s going to jail.  Randy’s pressing charges, because he committed assault with a deadly weapon.  Orton put his weapon down before Triple H even got in the ring.  He wanted to handle their issues like grown men.  He took a concealed sledgehammer, and used it on DiBiase and Rhodes.  If Orton hadn’t escaped, Trips could’ve killed him!  So Hunter, it’s time to face the music.  If you’ve got anything to say, come say it, because you’re going to be going away for a very long time.

Sledgehammer in one hand, microphone in the other, Triple H makes his way out to the stage.  He says Orton’s doctors and lawyers say Orton has a disease and isn’t in control of his actions.  Triple H is in complete control of his.  He heads down to the ring.  The armed security guards step in front of Legacy, and Triple H throws down his sledgehammer.  He steps up on the apron, and tells Orton that the doctors and lawyers tell Orton what he wants to hear, Trips is going to tell him what he needs to hear.  It’s about how Orton wants things to end, how he needs it to end.  He took out the McMahons, and now he needs to go to WrestleMania and he needs to defeat Triple H.  He needs to avenge the moment that defines his life.  Evolution.  Triple H watched Orton become the youngest World Champion in history, and the next night, Triple H turned on him and beat the crap out of him.  Orton had that title for, what, a month?  Triple H doesn’t run from his past.  He’s not a good person, never has been.  He wasn’t happy for Orton’s success.  He made a conscious decision and he took what was his.  Orton’s got the same opportunity.  He’s got an opportunity to avenge that night at WrestleMania 25, but yet, he’s made a choice to run.  Why?  It’s because he’s afraid.  He’s been afraid his whole life, because he knows he doesn’t have what it takes.  He can stand in the ring and hide behind lawyers and security, but Triple H knows the truth – Orton’s the same kid, the same little kid, that was carrying Trips’ bags around in Evolution.  The same little boy with all the talent in the world, but ultimately gutless.  Orton’s lawyer says that Orton has nothing more to say to Triple H, and unless he voluntarily turns himself in, security will remove him from the ring.  Orton tells them to let him go.  Orton thinks he’s changed his mind.  He won’t be facing Edge or Cena at WrestleMania, he’ll be facing Triple H – under one condition.  They settle this at WrestleMania.  Triple H doesn’t put his hands on Orton unless he’s physically provoked.  If Triple H violates that, Orton presses charges and Triple H spends WrestleMania night in jail.  Triple H says it’s a deal.  Orton says one more thing.  Since Trips wants to get personal, Orton wants him to know that it felt great when he kicked Mr. McMahon in the skull.  It felt better when he did it to Shane, but when he hit that RKO on Stephanie, he replays that over and over and over in his head.  He can still smell her scent, her skin so soft, at least, that’s what Orton remembers.  He wonders what the last thing Stephanie remembers when he grabbed her skinny little neck and slammed her face right down to the ground.  Triple H heads back into the ring, but instead of striking Orton, Triple H reminds him that the last time they fought, Triple H broke Orton’s collarbone.  That was just business, this is personal.  He’s going to break Orton’s neck.

Up next, HBK vs. Vladimir Kozlov for the right to job to face The Undertaker at WrestleMania!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

HBK makes his way to the ring, and as I do every time HBK’s music is playing, I dance in my chair.  Apparently RAW is brought to us by Buffalo Wild Wings.  I’ve never been there, but I bet they’re nowhere near as good as real Buffalo wings.  Vladimir Kozlov makes his way out and we’re set for action.

Shawn Michaels def. Vladimir Kozlov

The story here is HBK’s back.  Kozlov uses his power to work over it.  Michaels’ resiliency is put on display as well, as he kicked out of a Kozlov battering ram headbutt.  HBK shoves Kozlov off of the top rope and hits the flying elbow, followed by Sweet Chin Music for the win.

After the match, The Undertaker comes out to the stage and stares down his newfound WrestleMania opponent.

Who’s next into the WWE Hall of Fame?  We’ll find out next!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

It’s snowing in Boston.  Guess what.  It’s snowing here in Western New York too.  So suck my ass, Boston, nobody cares about your “bad” weather.

To borrow a line from AyatollahBlassie on the WorldWrestlingInsanity message boards about 12 Rounds:  “John Cena is Danny Fisher.  Vince McMahon is losing money.”

So, who’s next into the WWE Hall of Fame?  Why, it’s “Cowboy” Bill Watts!  He’ll be inducted by Good ‘Ol JR

Todd Grisham is backstage with the World Heavyweight Champion, EDGE!  Is Edge only granting Cena a shot because he got knocked out by The Big Show three days ago?  Nope.  Edge wanted to face Cena in Boston, so that his friends and family could watch Cena’s hopes of Championship gold squashed.  That match is NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

In case you missed it: Last Friday on SmackDown, The Big Show knocked out John Cena, who was then reminded by Edge that the World Heavyweight Championship is his.

Hey, speaking of EDGE, the World Heavyweight Champion is on his way to the ring, and he’s ready to put the title on the line in John Cena’s hometown.  Mr. U C Me takes his sweet ass time before making his entrance.  Lillian Garcia makes the customary Championship match ring announcements, the referee checks both competitors for foriegn objects, then calls for the bell, and we’re underway.

John Cena def. Edge via disqualification, Edge retains the World Heavyweight Championship

Look, let’s put it this way.  Anybody who actually expected Edge to lose the championship tonight hasn’t been watching for long.  World championships rarely change hands outside of Pay Per Views, especially if the match isn’t advertised ahead of time.  The exceptions, of course, are when there are injuries preventing the Champion from competing, or when it involves a Money in the Bank briefcase.  Even one out of the two times that Money In The Bank had been cashed in was the result of injuries, not only to the champion at the time, but to the holder of the Money In The Bank briefcase.  Edge doesn’t seem hurt, and John Cena doesn’t have a briefcase with a title contract in it.  That probably means that Edge will be walking out with the title.  Both men hit a lot of their usual moves, but in the end it’s Edge blasting Cena in the skull with the World Heavyweight Championship to earn the disqualification.

As Edge backs up the ramp, Vickie Guerrero and The Big Show meet him at the top of the stage.  Vickie has an announcement – the number one contender, and the man who will face Edge at WrestleMania – is The Big Show!  Cena, in the ring, and Edge on the stage, both have looks of sheer shock on their faces as the show went off the air.

My Thoughts: It was a pretty decent show, but the ending fell flat on it’s face – like Melina when Maryse went after her earlier in the night.  What was that all about?  I’m already predicting a Tag Team Championship unification match at ‘Mania, so why not a Women’s Championship unification match?  The seeds have been planted, my friends.

So, Kane is in Money In The Bank.  I was actually expecting both Mysterio and Knox to be in, but apparently that’s not going to be the case.  We’re getting another qualifying match tonight on ECW (that’s a non-spoiling spoiler, kids), so we’ll be at three of the eight Money In The Bank competitors known by the end of the night.

Triple H and Orton’s promo was intense.  Very intense.  It’s playing out very well, hopefully it won’t burn out over the next few weeks.

The Big Show?  Really?  Meh.  I’m sure that they’ll build it up pretty well over the next five episodes of SmackDown, so let’s see what happens.

So as of right now, John Cena, Vladimir Kozlov, Mike Knox, and Rey Mysterio aren’t on WrestleMania.  Rumors are flying around about who Cena may face on the Grandest Stage of them All, but we’re not in the rumor business here at BWF.  I suppose Mysterio and Knox could face each other – it wouldn’t feel like Mania if Rey’s healthy and not on the card.  I bet he’ll do some cool Batman style gear this year.

Anyways kids, that’s it for me for now, I’ll see you just after 10PM for my ECW on SciFi review.

And if you want a much funnier look at last night’s RAW, check out James Guttman’s RAW Insanity on WorldWrestlingInsanity.com.

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