Home ▸ RAW ▸ RAW: Second Thoughts

Note from ThinkSoJoE: Please welcome Robby to BoredWrestlingFan.com. He’ll be chiming in periodically to give us his thoughts on the world of professional wrestling. He’s the administrator of Alexz Johnson’s website, alexz.net. Alexz has a new album coming out in the next couple of weeks, so I urge you all to check it out!

Hello BWF! My name is Robby. This is my first time writing for a wrestling site and even just doing something past watching it among friends. I know you guys don’t need another play-by-play report, but I’ve taken notes as the show went on and may think it best to use those as a foundation.

Opening

A Martin Luthor King video package for MLK day.

Vince enters. Recapping Bret’s appearance. I did it for you. Vince rambles about kicking Bret out 2 weeks ago was the right choice. Claims the fans made the decision and not him that Bret would never come back to the WWE. Undertaker interrupts. Taker tells Vince he was in Montreal. He says Vince screwed Bret. Twice. Calls his act a cowardly act. Vince leaves, Taker talks about his WM match with Shawn and that he wants to deliver a message personally, Shawn enters. Taker’s say “no” to Shawn’s rematch WM challenge. Says he’ll let Shawn fight Taker for the Title tonight on Raw. Shawn says “no”. Says he’ll enter the Royal Rumble and win it to face Taker at WM. Taker and Shawn talk really slow and make for a dragging first segment.

This segment made me think of when Rikishi hit Austin with the car then told the Rock. “I did it for you.” Vince, the perennial villain and getting more senile each day, still wants us to believe that what he’s doing is for our own good. He’s been doing it for years. This would not be a problem if the product were good, but it feels like he’s losing talent faster than he can create new stars. So Takers comes in. Talks real slow. Michaels comes in, talks just as slow, giving us our first dragging segment and a  theme that would continue throughout the night. Taker says “no” to Shawn giving him a Wrestlemania rematch for the Title. The streak. We all know what that means. So Michael’s has to go into the Rumble now. Which seemed to be the entire point of this dragging segment. Taker’s words to Vince made it worth watching.

Commercial

Slam of the Week

Orton/Cena/Kingston Triple Threat clip from last week

Match 1 (1 Fall)

Sheamus vs Evan Bourne

NonTitle match with World Champion, should be short. Orton comes in from the stage to the  ring. Sheamus sees Orton before he gets to the ring. Bourne taks advantage of the distraction. Near fall from a top rope high risk. Big boot from Sheamus. Outsider Edge/Celtic Cross finisher. Match over. Orton enters the ring determined to blow the spot of another finisher. The look of determination to do it clear in his eyes. Sheamus gets the belt and shows it to him. Sheamus leaves the ring.

This was a quick match. If the Champ ever has a non-Title match on TV  that’s not booked or thoguht of by Eric Bischoff it’s going to be short. Come on! Vince has bills to pay! Got to get those commercials in as much as possible. Anyway, Sheamus ends this quick. Orton comes in with his determined constipated look. Sheamus shows he can find shiny things. We move on.

Backstage

Shawn and HHH. Don Johnson interrupts them talking. HHH says he’ll talk to Shawn about the thing he  wanted to talk to him about later. HHH talks to Johnson. HHH says who cares if the co-host shows up, and to do it himself. Carlito dresses like Napoleon Dynamite.

If you guessed this was pointless, you were probably right. Carlito’s appearance was quite awesome though and shows what they uses their wrestling for since they devote, maybe, 15 minutes of wrestling to a wrestling show. You’ll see it across my notes as they go on.

Commercial

Royal Rumble promo. Cena. HHH. And Taker up front. Future matches for tonight review.

Foreshadowing. This was staring everyone in the face yet they wanted to make it a big deal tonight. On the Rumble poster, with wrestlers in a line, are their biggest Golden Boys and The Big Show. I didn’t have to know who was challenging for the Championship to know none of these people immediately visible on the poster were not. Logical conclusion? Rumble participants.

Jack Swagger comes out to talk about last week saying it was a fluke as well as say “American” lots of times. Issues another All American American American challenge to Santino Marella. Santino comes out dressed like Don Johnson. President of the IDJFC, Italian Don Johnson Fan Club. Marella sounds he found a replacement. Mark Henry comes out for the All American American American American  challenge.

Match 2 (All American American Challenge)

Jack Swagger vs Mark Henry

Swagger’s hit to little. Henry lifts Swagger. A quick toss over and the match is done. There’s possibly 5 full minutes of wrestling matches right now 40 minutes into the broadcast.

At least Swagger has a gimmic now, or the start of one. He’s the American American American guy. Clearly the All American American challenge is the proper followup to the one before it, the Master Lock challenge. Over the top, match over. Perfect for a show that seems to be trying to end the broadcast as soon as possible. I like Swagger too, they need to use more and lt him actually wrestle.

Backstage

Black limo. Girls exit. Dynamite exits. Cracks a dumb joke about not knowing where he is. Turns out his name is John Heder.

Nope, it’s not Flair. It’s an underwhelming entrance by a barely known movie star. We can keep going.

Commercial

Did You Know part. Tells us how they book matches for Royal Rumble winners.

So much for Kayfabe.

John Heder and Don Johnson enter. Don rambles for a bit. Heder rambles on after an interruption. They announce the main event. DX versus. Heder continues to ramble, gets to USC. He says “awesome” a lot, then introduces The Miz. Miz enters the ring. Miz thanks John and Don and mentions celebs hosting Raw for a change. Says Heder entered him into the Rumble. Miz mentions HHH’s comment about hosting alone. Miz rambles some more while noone turns off his mic. Ramble. Ramble. After talking about MVP, he interrupts them. MVP apologizes to fans and Johnson. MVP announces he’s in the Rumble. Says he’s going to throw Miz out. Adds in he’ll throw out Heder as well. Big Show interrupts. Big Show lays out MVP. Heder says he and Show have the same agent. Heder in a roundabout way announces his mancrush with Show and Miz. Finally gets to the point for the main event being DX vs Miz and Big Show.

I’m not sure what the point of this was. I mean, later on it seemed to make sense, but for a couple of actors to miss the cue to get a move on it sure dragged. Obviously, by my notes, I didn’t keep a huge amount of attention here. People talked. Other people talked. It was Open Mic Night at the WWE.

Commercial

How to donate to Haiti segment.

Match 3 (Tag Team 1 Fall)

Cena/Kofi Kingston vs Legacy

Cena and some guy start. Dibiase tagged in. Near fall after Cena exhausts almost half of his moveset. Tag back out to Rhodes. He beats Cena a bit in the corner. Near fall. Ref tries to stop Dibiase from using a closed fist. Cena fights back. Missing running into the  turnbuckle, countered by clothesline. Near Fall. Falling fist to Cena. Kofi tagged in enters with high risk. Starts taking out Legacy by himself. Does overelaborate high risks in quick sequence. Goes for Trouble In Paradise but stops. Continues to fight off Legacy. Legacy tags out bringing Rhodes in.

Commercial

Kofi and Dibiase in the ring. Di tagges out. Near Fall on Kingston. Kofi starts to fight back. Rhodes quickly puts an end to it. Body slam by Rhodes. Misses followup. Tag out to Di. Misses clothesline. Tag out by Legacy. Kofi brought back into Legacy’s corner. Near fall. Di tagged in. Double team arm bar thingy. Rest hold by Dibiase. Jawbreaker by Kofi to counter. Back suplex by Kofi to counter headlock. Desperate tag to Cena. Cena inserts 5 moves of doom. No need to explain what they are. Side Russian Leg Sweep counter by Rhodes. Cean countered going into the corner. F-U running counter. Di interrupts ref count. Kofi high flies. Kofi pins with flying body splash. Easily as much wrestling in this match as there has been on Raw’s entire broadcast to this point.

This was, by far, be the longest match of the night. Cena’s “5 moves of Doom”? Yeah, you know what those are. This match had some actual wrestling in it. Not surprisingly, none of that actual wrestling was performed by Cena. This match didn’t really have anything at stake, so I really didn’t care who won. Legacy also bores me to tears and I sometimes have to check to see who’s in the ring.

Backstage

Guest hosts Heder and Team Cheese Whiz. Hornswaggle appears. No one knows what he’s saying. HHH enters. HHH translates for Hornswaggle. Say Swaggle doesn’t like Heder and challenged him. HHH proposes a 6 man match with Heder and Hornswaggle added. Match is a go.

I don’t know why I called them Team Cheese Whiz, seemed to fit and helped me with short hand notes. I think it’s catchy. HHH can book matches? Oh, Steph… riiiight.

Commercial

WWE Rewind: Women’s division flashback.

Match 4 (Diva’s Tag)

Maryce/Alicia Fox vs Gail Kim/Eve Torres

Gail and Maryce start. Quick pin and break. Sholder block into corner by Gail. Top rope double drop kick. Near fall. Outside interference by Fox. Gail thrown to the outside. Tossed by in by Fox. Maryce does back breaker on Gail. Near Fall. Tag out to Fox. Double team on Gail. Gail fights back. Fox ends the offense. Near Fall. Scissor kick miss by Fox. Tag out to Eve. Eve countered running into corner. Hip toss. Clothesline. Flipping senton by Eve. Eve does a rolling arm bar off the top rope. Submission from arm bar by Eve. Winner Gail and Eve.

I normally don’t pay A LOT of attention to Women’s matches unless they’ve got something interesting going on. Gail made this standable and Eve’s Rolling Armbar was a cool finisher to the match. It started slow but got much better. For the first time in a long time I also don’t care who is the Champion here.

Commercial

Backstage

Johnson, Heder, and Kelly Kelly. Kelly leaves. Heder is freaking out about his match. Heder wants Johnson to take his place. Miz enters and reassure Heder. Johnson says Heder’s choice is a mistake. Miz and Show say Heder will be ok. They show Heder his ring attire. “The Flame” is on the back. They try to pitch it to him to make it work. Noone can extinguish the flame.

This is just too easy.

King and Cole fill time by talking about the backstage segment and Rumble theme song. Then go over each of the matches. They announce 3 matches for Raw.

More non-wrestling content added to the biggest wrestling show in the land. Seriously guys, Too much backstage stuff and added video packages for future Raw events.

Backstage

HHH and Vince. Vince is  going on about Taker calling him a coward. HHH stops him. HHH says MacMahon’s have to get the last word in. HHH tells Vince his no win situation. Vinces leaves. Shawn enteres. Swaggle enters again stopping HHH from saying what he wanted to at the beginning of Raw. HHH says they’ll talk later. Swaggle rides HHH’s back to match.

Orton walking backstage for his match next.

Speaking of, let’s go backstage. HHH has a point though, making this was of the more important backstage segments in the whole Bret Hart angle. HHH again tries to tell Shawn what we’ve seen on the Rumble poster earlier in the night.

Commercial

Hall of Fame ceremony facts. Sold out in 35 minutes.

Match 5 (1 Fall )

Orton vs Chris Masters w/ Eve Torres

Bell rings. Sheamus comes out at the ramp. Lock-up. Headlock by Orton. Masters counters. Orton throws Euros.  Master Lock countered. Mastered  countered at corner, powerslam counter on Orton. Orton does his back breaker. Preps for Blown Spot. Masters get to ropes. Master Lock applied. Orton reaches for the rope to break the hold. Orton plays possum, hits Blown Spot on Masters. Match time, ETA 2 minutes. Sheamus kicked Orton. Orton laid out. Stand over him victorious. Sheamus leaves ring.

Orton got out of that lock way too easily. He did a nice fake into his RKO though(noted as “Blown Spot”). This match could have ran longer and been more interesting, but we can’t waste broadcast time on something as trivial as wrestling!

Commercial

Match 6 (6 Man Tag)

DX and Hornswaggle vs Team Cheese Whiz and Heder (Miz and Big Show)

Heder enters from “The Great Ball of Fire” as The Flame. Johnson comes out with DX. All parties enter the ring.

Commercial

Back from commercial with the match already happening. Miz and Shawn in the ring. Quick pin by Miz. Kick out. Mounting punches. Miz tags out to Show. Show headbutts Shawn. Picks up Shawn from the ground for a sidewalk slam. Tags out to Miz. Miz sets up Shwn in the corner. Running kick connects. Shawn reverses and goes offense.  Michaels chops. Both wrestlers down trying to tag. Swaggle tags himself in. Dropkicks Miz. DX chops. Clothesline on waggle. Heder tagged in. Flamer takes out ring rope. Kicks Swaggle. Misses a turnbuckle attack by Flamer. HHH tagged in against Flamer. Johnson makes Flamer go back in. HHH punches Flamers. HBK superkicks Show, Miz. Swaggle to the top rope. Splash. Swaggle pins Flamer for the win.

HHH talks to Shawn about HBK. HHH says it won’t work out for HBK. Cena enters. Goes to ring already with a mic. Cena says he has an announcement. Cena announces he’s in the Rumble after being shown many times tonight. Says he won last time ignores being injured and coming back the last time. Says he’ll win the Rumble again. HHH starts to talk but Show reenters the ring. Show says he has an announcement that he’s in the Rumble too. Show says he’ll win. Show attacks DX, Cena jumps in. Cena does one of his three moves. DX throws out Cena. HHH throws out HBK. HHH announces he’s in the rumble, something we all knew from before with the Rumble promo shot.

End show.

Now running short on time WWE brings us back with the match in progress. DX shows offense. Cheese Whiz shows offense. It’s a good main event with lots of action going on. Good thing we have our Glass Ceiling Talent out there carrying the show… Then we  get to the announcements which everyone has figured out by now. Everyone’s in the Rumble, big surprise. Quite an underwhelming ending to a Raw that was going so well. Wait. No it wasn’t. Well, Vince, you’re finally not broadcasting anymore. Two painful hours. Maybe I should do TNA next time.

Robby is a huge wrestling fan following it since the early 1990s. His favorite musician is Alexz Johnson, likes pizza, and hopes this won’t be his last article on BWF.

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