Home ▸ RAW ▸ RYTMAN’S REAL-TIME RAW REPORT: RAW ROULETTE EDITION

We open tonight with a recap of the Rock’s win at Royal Rumble. Tonight is RAW ROULETTE live from Las Vegas.

Now we’re looking at Vicki Guerrero in front of three roulette wheels. A superstar wheel, a stipulation wheel, and a “Vicki’s choice” wheel. Vicki announces the first match of the night and spins the middle wheel, making it a “special guest referee” match.

C.M. Punk is out and he is angry. He claims he is the people’s champion and is throwing a tantrum about last night. He berates the crowd for supporting a “cheater,” and says Vince, Rock, and the crowd are all cheaters. Punk coins the phrase “Phoenix Screw Job.” Punk is still the champion and he is here to “crash” our “party.”

Vince is out. He accuses Heyman of being behind the shield. He cuts Heyman off when he tries to protest, then announces a “performance evaluation,” of Heyman in the ring tonight, featuring surprise video tape “evidence.”

Randy Orton is out. He is facing Antonio Cesaro in the first match tonight. This is the “special guest ref” match Vicki made earlier. Cesario is out next, swinging the American Flag.

And now, our special guest referee… THE MIZ!

And we go to break.

WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS. THE MIZ

We come back with the match in progress. Orton gets a two count. Cesaro dominates in the corner. Miz gets between them. Orton in control with a clothesline and a snap-mare. Orton gets another two count with a suplex. Both men trade shots on the outside, Orton drops Cesaro on the guard-rail, and takes control back in the ring with stomps and a catapult into the bottom rope. Both men trade uppercuts, the crowd gets into it. Cesaro takes control, whips Orton into the ropes, Orton backdrops him to the floor.

And we go to break.

Cesaro in control when we come back. Both men fight in the corner, Cesaro takes over with a headbut and a turnbuckle shot. Cesaro gets a two-count and takes control with a headlock. Orton fights out, Cesaro hits a slam for two. Gut-wrench by Cesaro for two. Cesaro hits a face-lock. Orton fights out, ducks a clothesline and hits two of his own and a scoop-slam. Cesaro hits the flying uppercut and pummels Orton in the corner, but he gets into an argument with Miz and eats an RKO when he turns back around.

WINNER: RANDY ORTON

After the match, Miz treats Cesaro to a Skull-crushing finale.

Back with the wheels, Vicki spins Ryback into a “make me laugh” match. Ryback gives Vicki a snort and heads to the ring.

And we go to break.

We’re back with Andre Aggassi and Stefi Graph in the audience. Titus O’Neal and Darren Young are in the ring with Ryback and Matt Stryker. Stryker explains that the challenge is to make the crowd laugh. Funnest man wins. After two “jokes,” Ryback decimates O’Neal while Young keeps a safe difference. Stryker announces Ryback the winner, Ryback destroys Stryker, and the whole announce team climaxes over an assault on an announcer.

“What has four eyes, twenty fingers, and is about to be unconscious?” – Ryback’s “joke.”

Video Package for Bob Backlund’s induction into the WWE Hall Of Fame.

And we go to break.

SIDE NOTE: Will someone PLEASE explain to me what Stryker has done that his being attacked for NO CLEAR REASON warrants such jockularity?

We come back to Vicki spinning the wheel. It lands on “players choice,” meaning IC champion Wade Barrett gets to pick his opponent. Barrett chooses NXT rookie Bo Dallas, who eliminated Barrett in the Royal Rumble last night.

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS BO DALLAS

Barrett goes right after Dallas, but Dallas fights out of the corner. He hits an arm-drag/dropkick combo, but Barrett takes over with vicious kicks and stomps. Barrett goes for the Bull-Hammer BUT BO DALLAS GETS THE THREE WITH A BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!

WINNER: BO DALLAS!

Backstage, a spin of the wheel pits Cody Rhodes against John Cena

And we go to break.

We come back with the announce team hyping up John Cena replacing Fred Flintstone on the cover of boxes of “Fruity Pebbles.” We even get a “tale-of-the-tape” graphic with Cena vs. Fred Flintstone.

Yes, that happened.

JOHN CENA VS CODY RHODES

Cody and Cena trade shots until Cena hits a suplex and Cody rolls out the ring. Cody takes the mike and anounces he’s leaving. Cena grabs him and sends him back in the ring. Cena hits all “Five Moves of Doom,” and gets the three-count.

WINNER: JOHN (DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ANYTHING DIFFERENT?) CENA

Cena gets the mike and cuts a promo to the crowd, acknowledging the crowd not being in his corner. We get a “Cena Sucks” chant. Cena gives Punk credit for staying champion for almost two years, and besting him every time. He turns his attention to the Rock, recaping their fued, and his loss at Wrestlemania 28.

“There were times when he couldn’t carry my jock-strap.” – John Cena.

Cena chooses the WWE champion and the Shield make their entrance. Cena brings it to them, but the odds are against him and the Shield beats him down. Sheamus tries for a save, but doesn’t do much better. Ryback is out next, and he does a little better, but the Shield take him out. Sheamus and Cena try to fight back, but this ends with the faces down and out, and the Shield walking away.

And we go to break.

We come back recapping the Shield assault on Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback. We go back to Vicki for another spin of the wheel. It lands on “Lingerie Pillow Fight…” featuring Tensai and Brodus Clay.

Ghaaaaa….

Tensai refuses to do this and stomps off. Vicki makes Brodus spin the “Vicki’s choice” wheel and it lands on a dance off.

I have a bad feeling.

We get a look at A WWE fan-event, and then Brodus comes out to the ring.

And we go to break.

We’re back with Jerry Lawler in the ring with Tensai…oh dear God…

Oh God no…

GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Tensai is in women’s underwear. He was not told this was a dance off. Tensai IS GOING TO DANCE IN WOMEN’S UNDERWARE.

WH AM I WATCHING WRESTLING? I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS! THEY OBVIOUSLY DON’T WANT ME TO WATCH ANYMORE! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS!?

Oh yea, King works in a “What happens in Vegas…” reference. Tensai dances and I want to die.

RON SIMMONS CAMEO: “DAMN!”

We go to world heavyweight champion Alberto Del Rio spinning the wheel and getting a “body slam challenge,” against The Big Show. Vicki wishes him luck. Del Rio reminds her in Vegas, “anything can happen.”

And we go to break.

We’re back with Ricardo Rodriguez introducing World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO! Del Rio comes out and shakes hands with the fans, giving his scarf to a small boy in the crowd. We get a tiny “Si” chant until the Big Show comes out.

BODY SLAM CHALLENGE: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS THE BIG SHOW

Show attacks Ricardo and Del Rio right off. Del Rio hits some kicks but Show clocks him with the Big Right Hand. Show tapes Del Rio to the ropes. Ricardo tries to protect Del Rio, but the show just brutalizes him. Del Rio can only helplessly watch. Show wraps more tape around Del Rio’s hand, as Show goes back to beating Ricardo. Del Rio begs for Ricardo’s life, but show gives him the Big Right, and goes back to bullying Del Rio. Del Rio is clocked out, and the Show lumbers off, leaving carnage in his wake.

And we go to break.

We come back to a recap of Show’s Rampage and WWE divas in Showgirl outfits.

LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS LUMBERJILLS MATCH – WWE DIVAS CHAMPION KAITLYN VS TAMINA

This does NOT make up for Tensai.

I can hardly bring myself to type this. Tamina takes charge with the head-lock of doom and boots Kaitlyn to the floor. Aksana and Alicia Fox jump her. Kaitlyn fights them off and whacks Tamina with a showgirl hat. She hits Tamina with some shoulder-blocks and goes for a pin. Then it naturally becomes a messy cat-fight, that ends when someone hits the music.

NO CONTEST: ALSO, NO DIGNITY

We return to another recap of the Shield beat-down on Cena and friends.

And now, our NEW WWE champion…THE ROCK!

One word; FINALLY, as in…

“FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO LAS VEGAS!” – The Rock

And finally, the Rock is once again WWE champion. He calls this moment the proudest of his career, and takes a moment to thank all of us. He recaps Punk’s put-downs of the people, and tells us those crap days are over. He makes a remark about Heyman needing a bra for his “Twinkie Tits.” Tonight is the People’s Era,

“AND WE’RE ALL GETTING PIE!” – The Rock

Punk is out, accusing the Rock of not earning that title, and the crowd is too stupid to realize he is a genus. Punk says Rock should hand him back the title out of respect for his father and grandfather, and apollogize to him for tarnishing what he’s accomplished. Rock says if he had an ounce of manhood, and “nuts between his legs,” he’d come downthe ramp and take it. Rock gives him the choice of being a man, or a “punk ass bitch.” Punk will stand up on the stage “like a Punk-ass bitch,” because it’s cool to swear, and Punk will do things when it suits him, not Rock. Punk reads off a list of appearences Punk will be making, and offers Rock a chance to face him at anyone of them, if it fits his schedule. If not, he’ll give Rock a rematch in three weeks (at Elimination Chamber.) Rock agrees to face him at Elimination Chamber.

When we come back, Sheamus faces Damien Sandow in a tables match.

And we go to break.

We come back with Sandow in the ring. We see a recap of him spinning the wheel backstage earlier where Vicki makes an obvious statement aout the match being a tables match.

“How Observant,” –  Damien Sandow

Sheamus takes over early and sets up a table. Sandow slips out of a slam and leads Sheamus into/out of the ring, where he hits a drop kick. Sheamus tosses a table into Sandow’s face, but Sandow takes over with a shoulder-breaker. Sandow traps Sheamus’ arm in the table and stomps on it, droping both knees on the arm.  Sheamus fights back, but misses a Brouge-kick. Sandow charges but Sheamus hits a flying shoulder-tackle. Sandow takes over and hits the “elbow of distain.” Sandow lays Sheamus on a table and goes up top, but Sheamus cuts him off. Sheamus ends this with “the White Noise” on Sandow, through a table in the corner.

WINNER: SHEAMUS

When we come back, Vince McMahon confronts Paul Heyman with an in-ring “performance evaluation.”

And we go to break.

We’re back.

Karaoke.

Zack Ryder and the Great Khali, singing superstars theme songs.

We’re going to have a Karaoke challenge with Zack Ryder and The Great Khali.

OH THANK GOD! 3MB!

Heath Slater is out and asks “are you kidding me?” Jinder calls them an embarrasment. Drew jumps in Khali’s face and gets chpped down. It turns into a brawl and ends with Hornswoggle splashing Slater and thank God it’s over!

Backstage, JERICHO! NEXT!

We’re back to BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!! Jericho makes his comeback to RAW, in tiny shorts and the sparkly jacket. He talks about being out for six months and his surprise return at the Royal Rumble. He thanks us all for welcoming him back and it’s something he will Never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEver forget again!

Ziggler comes out w/AJ and big E, to ask what he’s doing here? Ziggy and AJ recap how they got rid of Jericho last year, Jericho tells him to put his “crazy little dog on a leash before she pees all over the ring.” Big E. threatens Jericho, who responds with a joke about his pec size. Vicki comes up on the screen to inform Ziggler she re-signed Jericho. She spins the whel and it lands on “Strange Bedfellows,” meaning Ziggler and Jericho must team up against WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No.  The champs make their entrance, and Ziggler starts off with Kane.

And we go to break.

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER/CHRIS JERICHO

Well this was quick. Ziggler starts off in control of Daniel Bryan, while taunting Jericho by faking the tag. Ziggler hits a body-slam, and the elbow. Ziggler keeps taunting Jericho until Jericho “tags” Ziggler in the back hard enough to put him down. Jericho takes over on Bryan, hitting a drop-kick n Kane and a lion-sault on Bryan. Bryan hits a flying kick and gets Jericho in a head-lock. Bryan tags in Kane, but Jericho shoves Bryan into him. Kane and Bryan start yelling at each other. Bryan shoves Kane, Kane shoves Bryan down. Jericho tags in Ziggler but cheap-shots Kane in the back before walking out on the match. Ziggler yells at him, before turning into a choke-slam from the p-o’d Kane.

WINNERS: HELL NO

After that, we get our next HOF inductee high-light video, Trish Stratus.

And we go to break.

We’re back…

BROCK LESNAR JUST KILLED VINCE MCMAHON! I’m leading with this because I want to make sure you have a reason to keep reading.

We came back to Vince making his way to the ring. Vince called out Heyman and informed him that Punk had been escorted from the building. Heyman came out and offered Vince a handshake. Vince accepted it, then used hand sanitizer. McMahon proceeded to grill Heyman about the Shield and Brad Maddox. He asked Heyman if he ever lied…

“You know, a long time ago, I remember – in the Madison Square Garden dressing room, I heard your father say the phrase “Adversity defines a man’s character in his darkest hour.” And faced with the adversity of the fact that I have a feeling I know where this is going, I will tell you, I have lied every day of my stinking life because I am a promoter, and that’s what promoters do…” – Paul Heyman.

Possibly the best answer humanly possible. Heyman goes on about how he’s lied to stay alive and still have a business and a job the next morning. He promises to be an honorable man if that’s what it takes to stay. Vince seends the camera into Heyman’s face and asks the crowd if this is an honorable man with an honorable face, they say no. Vince shows footage of the “Brad Maddox experience.” Heyman has Maddox in a dark tunnel, orders the cameraman to shut it down. He then makes the same mistake EVERY VILLIAN WRITTEN BY A LAZY WRITTER EVER MAKES AND ADMITS EVERYTHING ON CAMERA. He tells Maddox that the Shield gets paid more than him because they are worth more. He sics the Shield on Maddox and the cameraman. We come back to the ring where the same crowd that chanted “ECW,” now chants “You got busted,” and the “goodbye” song. Heyman claims that wasn’t him. He claims it was a bad Vegas impersonator, and goes into a rant about his sucess with Punk and ECW. He denies being the man on the tape. Vince gears up the catchprase, wishing him well in his future endevors, we get to “YOU’RE…”

Here comes the pain.

Lesnar’s music hits and he makes his way out to the ring. Heyman begs him not to do anything, Lesnar orders him into the corner like a dog. He gets in Vince’s face, Vince warns him not to do anything he’ll regret later. After a pause, Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON VINCE MCMAHON!

RAW ends with Heyman begging Lesnar for Vince’s life, and leading him out of the ring.

Well, THAT was something.  To you the good readers, I apollogize if this report was less than “real time.” I’m still trying to get the hang of it.

That’s about it for me peep-holes. See you next week (maybe.) Ryt-place, Ryt-time!

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