Home ▸ RAW ▸ RYTMAN’S RECAP – RAW 05/13/2013

All quotes are courtesy of Twitter @WWEUniverse

After a brief recap of last week’s program, we go right to the ring with Jerry Lawler welcoming us to a dance-off.  Jerry introduces FAHN…

No, I’m not doing it.

We get a look at Fandango’s win over Jericho at Wrestlemania, as Jerry introduces Fandango.  Summer Rae is out first, shaking her money-maker, and she leads out Fandango.

Next is Jericho out with Edyta Sliwinska, a former “Dancing with the Stars” cast member and a multi-time champion ballroom dancer.

Jerry explains both teams get 90 seconds to do a routine, and the winners will be decided by an audience vote.  Jerry reminds the crowd that this is NOT a popularity contest, and they should vote based on who the best dancer is.

Jerry tries to bring up Fandango losing a dance-off to Khali last week.  Fandango calls Khali insulting names and refuses to acknowledge the loss.

“As long as there’s a Chris Jericho, there will be a better man. And his name is FAN-DAN-GOOOO!” #Fandangoing #DanceOff #RAW

Jericho gets the mike and welcomes us to “RAW IS JERICHO!” Jericho reminds us he was the first ever musical chairs champion, and the first ever “Price is Raw” champion.  Tonight, he will debut a new song about kicking Fan-DUNG-HOLE’s ass all over this ring.

Jerry gets this started and cues the music.  Fandango and summer just stand there doing nothing; (might be the theme of the evening.) Fandango demand silence from the crowd – (Damien Sandow: Hey!  That’s MY gimmick.) (Rytman: Damn-it Sandow, get out of my recap!  You have a match tonight!) – So he can focus on his masterpiece.  Fandango starts over but Miss Summer takes a spill and hurts her ankle.  Fandango gets nasty and calls her useless.  Edyta and Jericho check to see if the poor girl needs help and here’s where we go to set-ups 101.

Wrestler A and Wrestler B are having a special contest to promote their match.

Wrestler A’s girlfriend falls and might be hurt.

Wrestler B tries to help her.

What does Wrestler “A” do?

a.) Realize he’s being a jerk and decide to help.

b.) Re-evaluate his life decisions.

c.) Run up behind Wrestler B and kick him in the face.

If you picked “c,” you’ve been paying attention for the last twenty years.

Jericho has not.

Fandango kicks Jeri-B in the face and brutalizes him for a few minutes.  As Fandango prepares to leave, he looks at the lovely Miss Summer.  Miss Summer gives us a nasty little smile and joins Fandango for a quick twirl, revealing she was in on the scheme.

Rytman Remark: Summer’s slip was less than convincing; however I did get fished in by Fandango berating her.  I expected this would be WWE writing Miss Summer out of the angle, so she could re-debut as her own character, while getting Fandango some extra heat.

Side Note: I have to keep calling her “Miss Summer” because my dod-gamn word program doesn’t understand “Summer” can be a girl’s name.

After the break, we get a recap of Ryback attacking WWE Champ John Cena last week, after Cena and Bryan fought off the Shield.

RYBACK DEF. ZACK RYDER – Straight up jobbing-out of Ryder by Ryback who rides the rails and rips up ribs on rye-bread.  He hits the Shell-shock for 1-2-3.

After the match, we get a recap of when Brock Lesnar broke the arm of Hunter Hearst Helmsly (Triple H) on RAW.

PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITIS O’NEAL/DARREN YOUNG) DEF. TONS OF FUNK (BRODUS CLAY/“SWEET T” W/THE FUNKADACTYLS – Whole match is barely five moves.  Sweet T takes Young over the top rope w/a clothesline.  O’Neal gets in a cheap shot.  Sweet T side-steps O’Neal into the ring post (and it looked ugly,) and tags in Brodus.  Brodus is dominating O’Neal until Young gets in a shot to the throat…with the fro-pick.

Rytman Remark: This is either brilliant or racist.  I can’t decide.

After the match, we get a recap of when Brock Lesnar broke the arm of Hunter Hearst Helmsly (Triple H) on RAW.

We take a look at last Friday’s Smackdown where Jack Swagger kicked World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler in the head, giving him a concussion and taking him out of Extreme Rules this Sunday.

Teddy Long is wearing a Tupperware suit and has come out to make an announcement regarding the Ziggler situation.  Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter come out to demand Ziggler be stripped of the title, and have it awarded to Jack Swagger.  A.J. is out w/Big E. Langston to demand Swagger be suspended.

“First you kick my boyfriend in his beautiful face, then you try to take his title? Classic Swags.” – @WWEAJLee #RAW

Rytman Remark: “Classic Swags,” must become a thing.  Do it.

Do it!

DOOOOOOO EEEEEEEEEEET!

Everyone yells at each other until Teddy steps in.  Apparently RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Guerrero has given Smackdown Senior Advisor Teddy Long the authority to change the three-way ladder match at “Extreme Rules” to an “I Quit” match between Swagger and Alberto Del Rio.

Ziggler will NOT be stripped of the title.

Also, the WWE Universe will have the opportunity to decide if Big E. will face either Swagger OR Del Rio later tonight, one-on-one, using the WWE App.

Mark Henry calls out Sheamus after the break.

We take a look back at the Shield getting a win over Kofi Kingston and the Uso-brothers in a six-man tag.  On the basis of this, Kofi will defend the U.S. title at Extreme Rules against Dean Ambrose.

WWE U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON DEF. DAMIEN SANDOW – Sandow comes out refusing to do a song this week because Kofi’s theme is just as ridiculous as Kofi being U.S. Champion.  Sandow predicts that Kofi will soon lose the title.  During the match, the announce team mention that Kofi collects comic-books and is a huge fan of Spider-Man and Venom.  Kofi wins this w/”Trouble in Paradise.”

Rytman Remark: I’m assuming no-one’s told Kofi about “One More Day” yet.

Mark Henry is in the ring w/Josh Mathews and a leather strap, being interviewed about his match w/Sheamus at Extreme Rules.  We take a look back at John Bradshaw Layfield fighting Eddie Guerrero in a strap-match at “The Great American Bash” for reference. (I KNOW IT WAS A BULL-ROPE MATCH, NAG THEM ABOUT IT.) We look back at Henry whipping Sheamus and pulling trucks in the weeks building up to this.  Henry scares Josh into putting one end of the strap on his wrist, and then takes him down.  Henry drags Josh around the ring to demonstrate how a strap match works, basically dragging your opponent around the ring while tagging each corner.  Henry lets Josh go, (he’s too small, gotta throw him back,) while the announce team laughs at him.

Be A Star, kids.

Sheamus comes out.  Henry challenges him to get in the ring.  Sheamus remembers something, a strap hidden under the ring.  Sheamus gets in the ring and the two enemies commence whipping each other until Henry high-tails out of there.

We get a re-cap of that one time where Lesnar F-5’d Vince McMahon.

Apparently, there’s going to be a “12 Rounds, part 2.”

Yeah

We get a re-cap of the ambush by Fandango on Jericho earlier tonight.

RANDY ORTON DEF. ANTONIO CESARO – The announce team spends most of this match hard selling the WWE App.  Match goes back/forth until Cesaro tries a roll-up.  Orton kicks out, and wins this w/the RKO.  I’ve given this match twice as much attention as the announce team did.

MIZ DEF. HEATH SLATER (W/DREW MCINTYRE/JINDER MAHAL) – Slater is almost straight-up jobbed out here.  Near the end, Miz tosses Slater off the top rope into his “band-mates.” Slater sells a bad leg.  Miz goes after it and wins w/the figure four submission.

Rytman Remark: THE MIZ IS BACK.

…

…

…

Whoop

We then get a spot for the Susan G. Komen foundation, featuring Layla and Alicia Fox in a walk-a-thon for breast cancer, (as in raising money for treatment, not as in supporting cancer.)

We get a recap of Hunter rescuing Vince from, and the beating-up of, Brock Lesnar.

Later tonight, Brock will face Hunter in a face-off.

ELIMINATION MATCH: WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION JOHN CENA/TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/BRYAN) DEF. THE SHIELD…by dq. – Just as this gets underway, we’re told Team Hell No will defend the Tag team titles against the Shield in a Tornado Tag match at Extreme Rules.

Team “Hell No Cena” starts off strong as we go to a break…

When we come back, The Shield has control and Bryan is the “face in peril.” Bryan gets an opening with a high-running knee and tags in Kane.

Kane brutalizes the Shield, striking left and right.  The match spills out side and Kane is still in charge.  Kane rips the top off the commentary table and tosses it into the face of a Shield member. (Cock Talk, Sunday @ 4 p.m. after BWF radio @ 2 p.m. – 1 p.m. in some areas.  If you’ve had a p.m. in your area, you know how rough it can be.)

Kane is eliminated by DQ.

After the break, Cena is the “face in peril,” trying to get to Bryan.  Cena finally gets a hot-tag and Bryan explodes all over the Shield. (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) Unfortunately, Bryan misses a tag by Rollins to Ambrose.  Bryan goes after Rollins, hits Ambrose w/the forearm, and takes a jump-kick from Rollins.  Ambrose hits the short-bulldog.

Bryan is eliminated by pin.

Cena is “last man standing” for his team.  He eliminates Rollins w/the AA.  Reigns gets himself eliminated by DQ when he shoves the ref, and Cena is about to AA Ambrose when the whole Shield jumps him three-on-one.  Cena gets the DQ win for his team.

Guess who attacks Cena after the match w/a chair to the bad ankle?

…

…

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Ryback, why would anyone else?

As we go to break, we get a re-cap of Hunter beating Lesnar at Mania.

We come back to Matt Striker interviewing Ryback backstage.  Ryback tried to play by the rules, but all it got him was screwed (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) out of the title.  This Sunday, he plays by his own rules.

#Ryback Rules

We get a recap of last week, when Swagger went off on everyone w/a ladder.

Big E. is out w/A.J. as we’re shown Swagger taking Ziggler out of Extreme Rules w/a kick to the head, causing a concussion.

The WWE Universe uses the App to pick Jack Swagger as Big E’s opponent.

Rytman Remark: Enjoy the mid-card Alberto.

JACK SWAGGER DEF. BIG E. LANGSTON BY COUNT OUT – I’m just now realizing Swagger has almost two feet on Big E.

Match is basically a power contest w/the two big men trading strikes and throwing each other around.  Swagger wins by side-stepping a charging Big E. into the guard-rail and getting in the ring before the ten-count.

After the match, Alberto Del Rio runs out to get some of Swagger (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) but gets caught in the ankle-lock.  Ricardo Rodriguez whacks Swagger w/the bucket, distracting him.  Big E. comes in and everyone goes after everyone, but ADR is the one standing when it’s all over.

A.J. DEF. NATALYA (W/KAHLI/HORNSWOGGLE) –

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

THIS PHKING MATCH!

PHUKING BELLAS!

PHUKING KAITLIN!

PHKING COLE!

AHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Look, the match was okay.  AJ basically ran from Natalya until she started teasing Kaitlin, who joined the Bellas as guest commentators, and then Natalya sent her hard to the floor.  Natalya goes for a back-breaker, but AJ hooks a “tarantula” variation called “The Black Widow,” and gets the submission. (Nice touch, tapping out on AJ’s butt by the way; very nice touch… or Bad Touch, depending on your perspective.) But my GOD!  The commentary just collapsed into a mess of blabbering and dumb jokes about the Munster family or whatever.  I’d get something more coherent out of a chicken being violated by a blender!

Side Note: You hear about a hostage situation at WWE HQ this month, you’ll know why.

I have to wrap this up…

Jericho came out to swear revenge on Fandango.

Triple H came out, stood in the cage, and called out Brock.

Triple H basically called him a “bitch,” and demanded he act like a man.  Lesnar made his way to the cage despite Paul Heymans best efforts to stop him.  They fight for a minute, then Trips throws Brock out of the cage.  Brock grabs Heyman and they limp off.

RYTMAN’S REVIEW: It sucked.  The end.

Now on a personal note, I’m afraid this is most likely my last RAW post, at least for the time being.

I have too many demands on my time right now w/family issues, and RAW just isn’t a priority anymore.

Side Note: WWE could say the same.

I’m very sorry to do this to Joe and whoever gets stuck w/RAW in my absence.  I will continue to support Bored Wrestling Fan.com in any way possible. 

I thank all of you, this was a blast.

RYTMAN

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