Home ▸ Other ▸ Smackdown 03/07/14

In all fairness, I could give two shits about tonight’s episode. But here goes nothing. Too late to get someone else to do it.

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. Sometimes I attempt to write something funny in this disclaimer section. This is not one of those times..”.

– Clips of the Trippy H/Stephers and the Scotty 2 Hotty segment from RAW air. That was a pretty good segment, actually. Lots of heat and stuff. I was able to slow roast a chicken for 15 minutes. I broke bread with AJ StyLees and toasted with a bountiful cup of Dixon’s Cider. He/She was thirsty.

– Bratista makes his way out a la nuthugger jeans and his Aces and Eights cut because FFW. His vest has tassels, each from which hangs a feral weasel. They are wearing party-hats and toting comics and DVDs. He wants to know where all the real men in the WWE have gone. The answer is Arby’s. Roast Beef Sale. He then rips on Dolphry Ziggler and Daniel Bryan, because steroids. The feral weasels are getting fiesty now as Batista says he’s our super hero, but he doesn’t need us to cheer him because logic. Enter Daniel Bryan. Garth Snow appears and trades Thomas Vanek to the L.A. Kings for ThatDamnDoubleC and a bag of pucks. Those pucks are a good pickup. Bratista calls Bryan an overgrown fan, so Bryan notes the nuthuggers are cutting off the circulation to Bratista’s brain. Pinky agrees and leaves to attempt to take over the world by himself. Gran Torista says some shit about allowing Bryan to allow Bryan to exist in his universe, so Bryan rips on the vest, and the weasels go wild. Bryan thwarts a ‘Tistattack and Kane comes out to double double this Tim Horton’s drive-through order. Jim Cornette creates a scene, and the Big Show runs in to even the odds carrying the deed to his house. Vic-Rod Booker-T’s a fatal fourway handicap match between Big Show/Bryan, Batista/Kane, CM Punk on his own and the vagabond rabid feral weasels.

Dees.

– * Christian vs. Dolph Ziggler. ADR is on commentary. I guess this is worth a look. Looking at the next five matches, I really doubt I’m watching any of the rest of these on normal speed. I’ve completely lost interest in the Road to WrestleMania as of late, this year looks like abysmal shit. And they are running out of time. After a fair bit of decent action, ADR gets atop the announce table and yells distracting Ziggler and allowing Christian to win. This is revenge for when Rupaul from Broke Backing Malcolm did the same thing on RAW. Then Renee Young interviews Christian about his anger, so Sheamus runs in because this is a feud now, I guess. Christian gets tossed out. Whatever.

You knew this would be coming eventually.

– * Non-Title Match: The Usos {C} vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback. Is this relevant? I doubt it. I’ll watch, I guess, but if this is a waste of time, I’m going to sacrifice J.T. of BWF Radio fame (currently in captivity in my apartment basement) in the name of the Aztec’s belief system. The WWE needs to add fertility to the soil and grow some interest in WMXXX. CM Punk runs out and takes the tagtitles and goes home screaming something about all titles should ALWAYS be defended in matches. Shit, Ryback already looked awkward twenty seconds in. I have just sacrificed MarKKK of BWF Radio Dinner Theatre. ThinkSoJoE sends his portion back to the kitchen whining his meat is undercooked, while Jorge has devoured his first plate and awaits a second. I await this to be interesting. It isn’t. FFW. The Usos non-defend their titles in a meaningless match. Yay?

And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for yah…

– Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman shit from RAW clips air. Heyman’s “pipebomb” is reshown.

– * AJ Lee and Tamina vs. Natalya and Eva Marie. Well, this might be… oh wait, Eva Marie is starting things out with Tamina, FFW. a couple minutes later, Natalya gets the hot tag and AJ and Tamina do their thing. Then Natalya submits AJ because CM Punk.

– Replays of the Brother The Love Sponge, Dude, Brother’s HOF induction announcement. In all seriousness and fairness, we knew after his passing that Paul Bearer was going in. Kudos, and no hate.

– Enter The Shield. They are not booked for a match in the non-spoilers… And Seth Rogan is not with them. He’s off eating J.T. burgers at White Castle with McLovin and Stifler. The Aztec gods are not appeased. Hrmm… Jorge waits in the car while ThinkSoZombiEJoE complains that the fries he got last week are now cold at the same location. Assistant Manager, “Phil”, attempts to explain that they cannot issue credits, refunds, or replacements of food items ordered over a day prior. Jorge drives off and leaves Joe to join the Free-Range children by the Treehouse of Horror V.

This is how comedy in wrestling should be done..

– Ambrose is pissed that Henry Rollins ran off of he and Spartan Snow during their war with the Waylon Smithers family. Again, in fairness, this is pretty awesome. Rollins explains that he walked off to make a point, and for the first time in months Reigns and Ambrose are on the same Dallas Page, and Diamonds are forever. So The Shield needs to Superman Punch and crush a piece of carbon into one of the world’s hardest substances. They can come together again, and take back the WWE. Ambrose gets all shovey with Rollins, so Rollins needs to get something out of his system and slaps Ambrose… then rambles about getting back to normal and taking one for the team, so Dean punches him. Rollins gets up, collects his shit and asks if they are done here, or is this team done… holding out his fist in gang-signy affirmation. Reigns makes the symbol. Dean very reluctantly does join as well. Whelp, that was at least good. I sacrifice Jorge anyways. Three down, one to go…

– * Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio. “THERE’S NO TIME!” I scream, as I fastforward across the two cliffs leaving the Simpson children on the other side like Milhouse in “Das Bus”, the fourteenth episode of that series ninth season. Ralph really represented my nation well, in comparison to Rob Ford on The Jimmy Kimmel show this past Monday. Looks like Sheamus won with a Brogue Kick.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mf0oBXyhqA[/youtube]

– I just unlocked an X-Box achievement for “Speedrun” on Smackdown vs. Mysanity2K14

– Luke Harper appears on the screen asking when Cena will figure out it’s just one big lie. Wyatt crab walks onto the screen and discusses how the world was his teacher, and that he’s not here to save Cena, rather to destroy him. To burn it all down. Also, the buzzards request you sign up for the WWE Network, the App, and check out Vladimir Putin on the JBL and Cole show. He’s been getting a lot of heat from the WWE-arth Universe (fucking militant shit post Olympics is seedy and sketchy. /serious).

Chicago, WWE… Chicago.

– Rusev doesn’t speak English. FYI. In case you didn’t know… back to FFW…

– Renee Paquette interviews Big Show and Daniel Bryan about being real men, and or what those are. HHH is not one, and Orton and Batista are lame. Then stupid catchphrases, etc.

LOL, no seriously ref. It’s all a work..

– * Non-Title Match: Big E {C} vs. Jack Swagger. Cut for time, or I skipped it. You decide.

– * The Big Show and Daniel Bryan vs. Batista and Kane. 1/4 of these guys aren’t lumbering and slow. Skipped. The faces won, but at least Daniel Bryan rubbed his crotch in Batista’s face before it ended.

Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST!

– Note: No ThinkSoJoE’s were harmed in the writing of this episode. I think that’s a first.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

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