Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “Smackdown” 3/11/11

The role of Rich Flynn, author of the most popular piece of writing ever to grace boredwrestlingfan.com, will be played this evening by your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess. Woot!

I lack knowledge of amusing GIFs and other such technical things, but I shall do my best.

This “Smackdown” took place in my city. At the Toyota Center, downtown. I wasn’t there. I couldn’t go because I am unemployed and broke. People whom I know were there. I was not there. I shall pout about this repeatedly throughout this review, in what I imagine is an alluring and sexy manner.

Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, and Booker T open the show. Booker T adds nothing to the commentary team. He’s quite awful, and could not clean Matt Striker’s shoes.

Edge! The Rated R (on a PG show) Superstar rocks the house, and the audience goes insane. Edge asks if Alberto Del Rio really believed that a bloody nose would stop him from getting the job done. Excellent intensity from the Edgester here. He informs Del Rio that, should he not come to the ring right now, that Edge will go to the back and find him. Cue Del Rio’s music. Del Rio and Brodus Clay enter. I believe that Josh Matthews referred to Clay as “King Hippo,” and I now claim this title for him in all future BWF writings. del Rio asks if Edge knows who Del Rio is. “Yeah, you’re the Ricky Martin look-a-like who’s trying to restart Menudo.” GOLD! Del Rio doesn’t find this as funny as the rest of us did. Del Rio announces that he will replace Edge’s legacy with his own destiny. Whitney Cummings, one of my favorite comediennes, pointed out that Faith and Destiny are names of strippers, so Edge and CM Punk might wish to consider that. In any case, Edge suddenly attacks Del Rio and Clay in the ring. The champ gets beaten down by Del Rio and Clay. CHRISTIAN!!! Yes! Christian makes the save on Edge, but gets beaten down for his efforts. Cue the music of one Theodore R. Long, General Manager. He announces that Del Rio and Clay will face (omg), as they team up for the first time in a decade (OMG!), one of the greatest tag teams of all time (OMG!!! OMG!!!), Edge and Christian! YES!!! Team EC is back together, at least for one night! And I’m not there to see it live. 🙁 Boo-urns.

Kane vs. Wade Barrett: No real match here. The Corre enters and gets Barrett disqualified. Big Show comes out with a chair. A tag team match is made of Kane and Big Show against Wade Barrett and…Heath Slater? Um, ok. I personally find Slater a worthless waste of space in every way. What, too harsh?

Match changed to tag team match due to DQ

Kane & Big Show vs. the Corre (Wade Barrett & Heath Slater): Big Show annihilates Slater. Barrett is next, but escapes a choke slam. None of this really matters because the rest of the Corre (Justin Gabriel and Ezekiel Jackson) attack Kane, causing another DQ. Nobody cares about the Corre. Barrett and Gabriel could be breakout singles stars, and Ezekiel Jackson could keep feuding with Big Show because the man is a certified FREAK. Slater can play in traffic. After chasing away the Corre, Big Show hits Kane with a chair. It’s retaliation for what Kane did to Big Show last week, we’re told. Nobody cares about that either.

Winners (by DQ): Kane & Big Show

Michael Cole promises the interview of the year with John Cena. Oh, joy….

Cody Rhodes and his face mask enter. Apparently, Rhodes no longer wishes to be known as “Dashing.” Aww, I loved that part! Rhodes wears a suit, but seems to have a match anyway.

Cody Rhodes vs. JTG: Rhodes attacks JTG right away, and lays in some serious offense. A facebutt with the mask later, JTG succumbs to the Cross Rhodes, and we have a winner. Like many of you, I’m absolutely loving Cody Rhodes in his new persona. The seriousness and intensity and the completely different physicality are fantastic. Watch the old Lon Chaney version of “The Phantom of the Opera.” I’ll bet anything that Cody has watched that. That we can all see that his face is exactly the same makes it even better. I take back every negative thing that I ever thought about Cody Rhodes. Did I get to see this live while it was in my town? No.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Michael Cole interviews John Cena. Yay. Cena enters in the usual way. Cole welcomes Cena to “his” show, and plays the clip of the Miz blasting Cena, physically and verbally, at the previous RAW. Cena grabs a mic and says that the Miz one-upped him. All that the Miz would have had to do, while Cena was distracted with all of the BS, was to lay low and sneak into Wrestlemania. Then the Miz may have had a chance at winning. Not now. The Miz insists that he is the new face of the WWE? Fine. Cena intends to break the face of Wrestlemania. Cole isn’t through yet. He verbally assaults Cena about fearing the Miz. Cena grabs Cole. Jack Swagger makes the save, and briefly gets in some offense. All to no avail. Super Cena hits Swagger with an Attitude Adjustment, then celebrates in the ring while Cole and Swagger flee.

Kaitlyn vs. Layla (w/ Michelle McCool): This is purely because Kaitlyn is a hometown girl, make no mistake. This “match” doesn’t even last a minute. Layla, who is awesome, gets the win after interference from McRibs, who is not. My most sincere apologies to anyone with a particular fancy for a certain McDonald’s sammich. Again, would McRibs even be on tv every week with her crippled foot if she weren’t Undertaker’s woman? The defense rests, Your Honor.

Winner: Layla

Rey Mysterio vs. Drew McIntyre: I would LOVE to see Drew McIntyre wrestle live. I, however, am not there. McIntyre proceeds to obliterate Rey with one brutal move after another. As soon as the opening bell rang, McIntyre kicked Rey in the face. Not much later, he flat-out threw him down like a toy. Backbreaker on the ring apron? Ouch! Seriously, this is the monster beast that McIntyre should have been all along. Rey gets the daylights beaten, kicked, and otherwise thrashed out of him, but refuses to stay down. This is Houston. In Texas. Near Mexico. With many Spanish-speaking people. Rey is so not losing this match. The third attempt at the 619, followed by the top rope splash, earns Rey the win. Drew looked incredibly strong in defeat, however. Cue Cody Rhodes. Rhodes calls out Rey Mysterio and demands an answer to his challenge. Rey accepts. It’s Rhodes and Mysterio at Wrestlemania. I actually really want to see this.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Time to listen to the Game! HHH thanked the Undertaker for reminding everyone of what he could do in the ring. Now, it’s his turn. A HHH video package, set to “Long Live the King,” demonstrates this. HHH never understood why HBK couldn’t beat Taker in two consecutive Mania matches. Now he does. HBK couldn’t separate emotion from the task at hand. There’s a difference between going out there to win, and going out there not to lose. Hunter’s dark side and lack of emotion will allow him to be as vicious as necessary to get the job done. He thanks Taker for making the match “No Holds Barred.”

Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay vs. Edge & Christian: Oh, I can’t believe that this match is happening downtown, and I’m not there! Team EC, back together for the night. Le sigh. All of the people who are gushing about Brodus Clay and how much money is in him, yet still insist that Samoa Joe is too fat and sloppy to make it in the WWE, need to slap themselves. Harder! Again! Ok. Christian and King Hippo start out, with Christian’s experience and agility against the Power of the Hippo. Del Rio directs traffic while King Hippo does the dirty work. “Dirty Work” is a great movie, by the way. I saw it yesterday. The fight goes to the floor when Christian gets hurled into the barricade, and hard. Christian’s injured arm gets worked over. The match ends with Del Rio being tossed to the floor, and Christian hitting a top rope tornado DDT on King Hippo, with an immediate top rope elbow drop by Edge, the legal man at that point. Edge gets the win, and Team EC stands victorious! Huzzah!

Winners: Edge & Christian

In closing, this was a solid show in many ways. The promos from HHH, Cody Rhodes, and (yes, I’m shocked as well) even Cena really helped to further their respective feuds and matches. The actual wrestling left much to be desired. Two DQs in a row with the Corre? Not even a minute for the Divas match? Cody Rhodes getting a quick win worked, but Mysterio/McIntyre could have gone longer. As dearly as I love Team EC, the match of the night had to be Mysterio/McIntyre.

Presuming that you live in a country that acknowledges it, don’t forget about Daylight Savings Time tonight. At 2:00 am tonight, set your clocks and watches forward 1 hour. Yes, this is the one where we lose an hour, as opposed to getting extra nap time. Boo-urns!

Cheers,

Drowgoddess

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