Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “Smackdown” 4/22/11

On behalf of my BWF comrade, Rich Flynn, I present to you an abridged review of this week’s “Smackdown.” Enjoy your chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps!Opening video recap of Edge’s retirement and career. These have been tearing me up every time. If you don’t choke up at least a tiny bit, you have no soul, and I do not wish to know you. When WWE wants to make an effort, they create fantastic video packages. The ones made for Edge exemplify this.

Ridiculously long entrance for “Sir” Michael Cole. Robes? Check. Slammy award? Check. Cardboard cutouts of actual English royalty in the Cole Mine? Check. Unlike most of you, I haven’t enjoyed Cole’s heel work very much because he’s so distracting from everything else that is going on. That he shouts the exact same line with the exact same intonation six times in a row irritates me to no end. Many writers on other sites are saying that Cole and his current persona have jumped the shark. I concur. Either make him a proper heel manager, or scale it back and make him announce properly. Wade Barrett could have made the biggest face turn in history if he and William Regal had interrupted Cole’s “knighting” ceremony, cried rubbish on the whole thing, called out the imposter nobility as a disgrace and an insult to all British people, and kicked the crap out of Cole. I can’t be th eonly one who would have liked to see that.

Cody Rhodes enters, followed by men pushing shopping carts filled with paper bags. He speaks at length (a little TOO long, but not poorly) on his mask being for protection, while Rey Mysterio’s is worn to hide his own fear and self-loathing. All the audience members wear masks as well. They’re just like Rey. The brown paper bags, which have faces cut out of them, are passed out to audience members. The bags are quite popular, and everyone seems to want to wear one. Funny. Remember when The Beautiful People were doing this, and it was great? Yeah.

Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio: This match went just under fifteen minutes. That sounds great. It also had two commercial breaks in it. That sounds not so great. Another very solid match between these two, with Cody’s aggression and brutality very much on display. Cody attempted a powerbomb, but Rey countered with hurricanrana and got the pin. Post-match, Cody exploded on Rey, beating him down mercilessly and landing a Cross Rhodes on the floor. Well done.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

The Corre meet in the locker room. Everyone seems to be friends again. Yay?

Video package of the LayCool tension. Just get my girl Layla away from the insufferable, no-talent, go-away-heat-garnering, Skanky McUseless that is her tag team partner.

To the couples counseling! LayCool snaps at each other until the counselor tries to intervene. “Shut up,” they both yell simultaneously. Cute. Michelle McCool cannot talk. Period. How many times have I pointed that out? Yeah. McRib tells Layla that Layla is not “flawless.” Layla starts to cry. Don’t make fuzzy bunny Layla cry! They hug and make up. Then McRib attacks Layla from behind, throws her on the couch a few times, and storms out. Layla is left in tears. I seem to have gotten my wish. Unfortunately, we all know what this means. An infinite series of losses for Layla against a much less capable performer. We love you, Layla!

To the ring! Cole shows the video of JR being forced to kiss his nasty foot, the “knighting” ceremony, and the like. It’s probably a bad sign that Trent Barretta didn’t get an entrance. Cole announces Barretta’s opponent, and that thought is confirmed.

Jack Swagger vs. Trent Barretta: To call this match a squash would be unfair to vegetables everywhere. Swagger applies the ankle lock, and it’s over.

Winner: Jack Swagger

Big Show appears at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, then appears backstage, walking with Kane. That shift was disconcerting.

Big Show and Kane vs. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater: Three guesses how this match will end, and the first two don’t count. Yup, it’s a tag team title match. I shake my head. Despite attempted interference from Ezekiel Jackson, Slater and Gabriel can’t overcome the big boys. In about four minutes, and with no hype of any sort, Slater is pinned by Big Show, and new tag team champions are crowned.

Winners (and NEW tag team champions): Kane and Big Show

To the back! The Corre (minus Wade Barrett) argue amongst themselves.

Chris Masters vs. Drew McIntyre: Masters bores me to tears. Why is he still here? McIntyre is super-over with the London crowd, despite the best efforts of WWE to hide that fact through sound manipulation. Listen carefully and watch the audience. You can tell. A short, but decent match. McIntyre kicks off the ringpost to escape the Master Lock, then lands the Future Shock DDT for the win. How many moves have been called the Future Shock? I can think of several. Ah, well. McIntyre won, as he should have, so let’s hope that whatever leash has been holding him back is finally removed. The guy has it all, and could be huge for WWE.

Winner: Drew McIntyre

To the RAW Rebound video! A replay of the R-Truth/John Morrison doings, and R-Truth’s subsequent heel turn. Yes, almost all of it. Jeebus.

Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett: This is an Intercontinental title match. Another title match with no hype and no feeling at all as to why it would matter. That alone is what makes the Miz great. He makes the title he has seem like the most important thing in the world. Like Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel before him, Wade Barrett has Ezekiel Jackson in tow. Since the Corre lost the tag team titles, Barrett will likely retain. This match went rather well, for about eight minutes. Kofi misses the Trouble in Paradise kick, and something goes awry at the end. Barrett drops Kofi on the mat, but grabs the ropes at the last second to get the three-count. I’m not sure what happened, but the ending looked botched, somehow. Please don’t bury Kofi again over this! One Orton temper tantrum was enough.

Winner (and STILL Intercontinental champion): Wade Barrett

To the ring! Alberto Del Rio and King Hippo (Brodus Clay, to the uninitiated) stand in the midst of gold balloon towers and sheet-draped furniture. Del Rio is throwing Edge a retirement party! We were all invited to RSVP on Facebook last week. Del Rio has gifts for Edge, which he describes while mariachi-style guitar music plays in the background. (SIDE NOTE: I heard a comedian decry the repetitive nature of mariachi and Latin music, and describe it as “techno music for people without electricity.” Thumbs up!) The first gift, as Del Rio pulls the sheet away, is a grandfather clock. Edge can watch his life tick away. Tick tock. Tick tock. At least Del Rio didn’t use the Ke$ha song, or whatever that thing is. The second gift, because people with injuries like Edge’s often lose control of their lower bodies, consists of a bedpan and a box of adult diapers. The third gift, Del Rio says, is company. Retirement means spending time with friends and people important to you. Cue Lita’s music. WHAT??? The place goes berserk. Then a very heavyset woman with reddish hair walks to the ring, making Lita’s hand gestures as she does so. She orders King Hippo to help her enter the ring. Clay looks thoroughly disgusted, as well such a stunning specimen of manhood might. Del Rio makes him hold the ropes open for her. Ah, Vinnie Mac, you and your zany “large women are inherently disgusting and funny, and merit our scorn and mockery” mindset strike again! She stands aside as the next gift is presented. A walker! For those romantic moonlit walks that Edge and Lita might decide to have. The last present is the best one of all. Ricardo Rodriguez rides a HoverRound to the ring to Frank Sinatra music. Read that last sentence again. Now one more time. If that isn’t the greatest thing that you’ve read all day, you’re lying. Rodriguez also has a handicapped parking placard, which he proudly displays as Del Rio announces that all this is courtesy of his ending Edge’s career.

Cue Edge’s music. The place goes insane again. Edge tells Del Rio not to look surprised, that he RSVPd on Facebook and everything. Some not-so-funny poop jokes later (Edge, you’re so much better than that!), Del Rio send King Hippo to attack Edge. Much is made of the fact that Edge can’t defend himself by fighting back anymore. Christian hits King Hippo with a ladder! Yaay! After slamming King Hippo into the railing, Christian stands the ladder in the ring, climbs it, and poses with the vacated World title while Edge beams with a slightly sad expression. Honestly, if the look on Edge’s face as he watches Christian doesn’t stir something in you, you’re already dead inside. That combination of sincere pride in a loved one’s accomplishment, tinged with regret that you aren’t involved with it. The camera cuts back and forth between Edge and Christian as the show ends.

Good night, everybody!

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