Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “Smackdown,” 5/13/11

On behalf of His Mighty Mighty Flynn-ness, your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess presents this “Friday the 13th” review of “Smackdown!” In the role of King Philip of France, we have Randy Orton. Representing the Knights Templar, we have (no pun intended) Christian. What will the conspiracy theorists have to say by the end of this? Let’s investigate!

To the video package of Christian’s emotional title win and near-immediate loss! Such a big deal is being made of this that Captain Charisma may just escape to Switzerland or Scotland with his fleet of treasure ships in terms of his career. (NOTE: This is what happens when a serious history geek is allowed to write wrestling reviews. There will be more.) Christian comes to the ring and addresses the recent title loss. He gave props to Teddy Long for doing his job as GM last week, and putting on an interesting and unpredictable show for the fans. Randy Orton hadn’t done anything that Christian himself wouldn’t have done, and Christian looks forward to the rematch at the “Over the Limit” pay-per-view. He has no doubt that a 100% prepared Christian can defeat Randy Orton and reclaim the title. Is he implying that a 100% prepared Jew, Muslim, or Hindu cannot defeat Randy Orton and reclaim the title? That’s discriminatory. Just like a Templar.

Enter Sheamus. I want one of those new Sheamus shirts. They are nifty. Sheamus congratulates Teddy Long for a job well done also. The expression on Christian’s face as his 17-year-long dream evaporated in front of him was priceless. Speaking of Priceless, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes are on the same show now. The former pagan High King insists that Teddy Long continue to do his job as GM and book a match between him and Christian right now.

Enter Mark Henry. No more red Kool-Aid Man suits for him. No, his ring gear is as black as his soul. And his everything else. The World’s Strongest Man tells Sheamus that he needs to “pump his breaks.” Henry refers to Sheamus as the “red-headed stepchild who talks funny.” Henry agrees that seeing Christian get his dreams destroyed was great fun, but that no one came to see Sheamus. They came to see him. He demands a match against Christian as well. Sheamus suggests a handicapped match of himself and Henry against Christian. Christian responds, in true fanatical warrior-monk fashion, by attacking the pagan heretics first. The heretics beat down Christian until Randy Orton makes the save. Good guys in the ring, bad guys out.

To the back! Teddy Long books a tag team match between Orton and Christian against Sheamus and Henry. After Long walks away, Christian thanks Orton for helping him just now. Orton didn’t do it for Christian. He has his own reasons. Don’t we all? Orton says that if a 100% prepared Christian can beat him, he wants to keep Christian at 100% so that there will be no excuses when Orton beats him at the ppv.

Sin Cara vs. Daniel Bryan: YES! On paper, this is why wrestling exists. Chavo Guerrero interrupts Tony Chimel’s ring introduction of Sin Cara to refer to him as the man who is following in Chavo’s footsteps. Chavo then spends the match on commentary, claiming to be a mentor figure for all up-and-coming luchedores who haven’t been out of Mexico before. He also claims to have originated every move and aspect of the luche libre wrestling style at one point or other. This was good stuff, but a bit too much too fast. Chavo talked so much that it distracted from the match. A very good match, though likely far from the best that these two could pull off. This was one of those “sit back and enjoy” matches, so I did not call moves on it. Suffice to say, Daniel Bryan knocked Sin Cara into Jerusalem from Paris with his kicks, and Sin Cara retaliated with mad ninja high-flying. Several near-falls here. Sin Cara’s lighting stayed on for the whole match, which once again reminded me of New Jack’s music playing throughout his matches. Good times, good times. Daniel Bryan climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Chavo rushes over and grabs his leg. Bryan kicks Chavo off, but the distraction allowed Sin Cara to hit Bryan with an enziguri, followed by the top rope C4 exploder suplex that Paul Burchill used to do from the floor. Sin Cara gets the win, and Chavo enters the ring to raise his hans and congratulate him. Upon seeing the video replay and Chavo’s interference, Sin Cara wants nothing to do with Chavo. They bicker, and Sin Cara shoves Chavo to the mat and leaves. Somehow, the Hulk Hogan Finger Wag of Doom is much cooler when Sin Cara does it.

Winner: Sin Cara

To the video package of Ezekiel Jackson getting kicked out of The Corre! Yawn.

To country music star Trace Adkins at ringside!

To the ring! Layla enters, and is awesome. She announces that her friendship with Michelle McCool ended at “Extreme Rules” when she beat her, but in the process, she had injured her knee. It was absolutely worth it, however – Michael Cole interrupts her. Cole says that no one cares about Layla, McCool, or any of the Divas. Since they’re in Nashville, he’s going to talk about Jerry Lawler. Cole reminds everyone that if he beats Lawler at the ppv, Lawler must personally induct Cole into the WWE Hall of Fame and give him his Hall of Fame ring. Cole will wear the ring everywhere, and you know who will really like to see it? His MOM. Layla gets in Cole’s face and tells him to shut up. Yay! Cole rolls his eyes and tells her to shut up because she and all the Divas are just a bunch of pretty little crybabies. Oh, waaah, I hurt my knee! Enter Kharma. YES!!! Layla and Cole are both frozen in terror. Layla tries to flee, but Cole trips her. Kharma flattens Layla with the Not Implant Buster. Cole cheers her on until she locks eyes on him. Cole flees to the Cole Mine, and Kharma gives chase. She gradually decides to leave, but makes it clear that Cole is not beyond the reach of the Inquisition. In my perfect Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, Jack Swagger would turn on Cole during the ppv match, allowing Lawler to get the win, and then Kharma would come out and destroy Cole, as Swagger and Lawler bail. I can dream!

To the back! The Corre is walking. Yawn.

Kane vs. Wade Barrett (w/ The Corre): Much was made between the announcers about Wade Barrett’s assertion that The Corre was stronger than ever. The point was stressed that three is in no way stronger than four, particularly when that fourth one was Ezekiel frigging Jackson and his basketball-muscle neck. This match was bad. The Corre as a group cannot be salvaged at this point, and really never should have happened. Barrett is good. Gabriel is good. Slater is. Watching this “group” is painful, and it really needs to disappear into the mists of history. Kane wipes out Slater and Gabriel when they try to interfere, and goes to choke slam Barrett. Slater and Gabriel rush back in, and the match is thrown out as a DQ. Ezekiel Jackson makes the save for Kane, and single-handedly takes out The Corre again. The Corre resurrects itself and takes out Jackson. Yawn.

Winner: Kane by DQ

The Great Khali and Runjin Singh dance to the ring, wearing cowboy hats. Yes, there is a cowboy hat out there big enough to properly fit the gargantuan melon of the Great Khali. Singh announces that tonight will mark the return of the Khali Kiss-Cam! They are in Nashville, and the Great Khali loves country music. What? Some lucky woman will get a chance to make beautiful music with the Great Khali. Sure, it’s silly and corny, but it’s also cute and harmless fun. The camera pans around and eventually settles on a larger woman with curly hair and glasses. The announcers mock her for not looking like a quasi-anorexic Barbie doll with gigantic breast implants as she goes to the ring. Stay classy, WWE. After the kiss, attention moves to the ramp, where a stone-faced Jinder Mahal strides to the ring. He literally gets in Khali’s face, which shows just how big this guy really is. Mahal snaps at Khali in Punjabi, and slaps him with great force. Khali stares at him, but doesn’t react. Mahal slaps him again, possibly even harder, and leaves the ring. Khali and Singh look after him in frustrated rage, but neither makes an effort to do anything. Interested in what’s going on with the Great Khali? I know, I never would have thought it either!

To the back! Orton and Christian prepare for their match. Christian says that he’ll beholding up his end of the deal. Orton needs to make sure he does as well. Captain Charism sure is smiling a lot. Not that that should mean anything….

Ted DiBiase vs. Cody Rhodes: DiBiase was already in the ring, which never bodes well. Rhodes gets his full entrance, complete with paper bags and assistants. The bag thing is fun, but the fact that so many people are cheerfully and playfully embracing the paper bags hurts that “dark and disturbing monster” character that has been so enthralling. The match was very even, but Rhodes counters the Dream Street with the Beautiful Disaster kick, and lands the Cross Rhodes to get the three-count. This match felt like a complete throw-away thing, and it should not have.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

To the back! The Corre is interviewed by the glorious Matt Striker. That’s not sarcasm, Striker was the best announcer they had, and not using him is borderline criminal. The Corre brags about destroying all of the “big men” on the roster, and Wade Barrett challenges Ezekiel Jackson to a match at the ppv. Heath Slater pipes up that it should be for Barrett’s Intercontinental title. After a pause, Barrett agrees. There was something really awkward about the ending of this segment, as if Barrett had been given conflicting instructions regarding his response. Just odd.

Mark Henry and Sheamus vs. Christian and WWE Champion Randy Orton: The whitest man and the blackest man on the roster are tag teaming? It’s too bad they don’t have similar body types, as Team Photo Negative would be amazing! This match was very good, with lots of brutal and powerful offense from Henry and Sheamus, a series of true near-falls, and creative reversals. After an extremely hard-fought contest, Christian drops Sheamus with the Killswitch at the same time that Orton RKOs Henry. Christian and Sheamus were the legal men, so the victory goes to Captain Charisma. Orton and Christian shake hands, but the manner in which Christian eyeballed the title belt gives one pause. Hmmm.

Winners: Christian and Randy Orton

That’s it for me, peoples! Rich Flynn should be back in the captain’s chair next week to bring you more “Smackdown” goodness. Cheers!

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