“iMPACT” Impressions 8/20/09

Cross the line!

We open with Matt Morgan and a baseball bat. Morgan wants to smash Kurt Angle’s head in with said bat. Angle and the Main Event Mafia get him in the ring and Angle explains that he didn’t pin Morgan and keep the title on purpose. He just fell on him after thinking that he had hit Sting. They agree to team up and take on Team 3D in a tables match. I was late getting to the show, so I missed most of this.

Match #1: Beer Money vs. The British Invasion: This was a street fight, and a non-title match. I’m still getting caught up, so specific moves are not being detailed right now. Loud chants of “We want tables!” Kendo sticks, trash cans, plastic bags, and both members of Beer Money in street clothes. Berr Money dominates rather well. Storm gets knocked off the ring post, but Roode gets in and puts Brutus Magnus through a trash can and gets the pin for the win. Magnus and Roode were very bloody.

To the back! Lauren interviews the Beautiful People. They sit on their thrones. Madison Rayne has been kicked to the curb, and TBP will get her tonight. Short but awesomely fun promo, as per usual from TBP.

To the back! Cody Deaner and ODB argue loudly over Deaner’s status as Knockouts champion. Foley and JB are talking, but Foley offers to help. Deaner uses Foley’s white board to visually demonstrate that when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption. Foley says that he will retreat to his inner sanctum, and issue a verdict on the Knockouts champion status next week on “iMPACT.” Abyss comes up and Foley thanks him for his help against Nash at the ppv. Foley gives Abyss a gift. “Is it groceries? I love groceries!” Foley tells Abyss that it isn’t groceries. It is, in fact, a blue flannel. Abyss cries. Foley says that there is no crying in wrestling. Abyss straightens up. Foley and Abyss discuss spilling their own blood. Foley wants his bat back.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the official broadcast team. Don West has been promoted within the merchandising company. Tenay and Taz run down the evening’s card.

Match #2: Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love: Rayne enters to the Beautiful People’s music, alone and looking scared. Love jumps Rayne from behind and throws her into the barricade. Love manhandles Rayne to the ring. Love pins Rayne in a matter of seconds. Velvet Sky scampers down to the ring. TBP put the boots to Rayne, and give her the Brown Paper Bag treatment. Tara and Christy Hemme run to Rayne’s aid, and TBP bail.

The Motor City Machine Guns bring us all a public service message. Their lack of tv time has made their paychecks smaller. The MCMG are all about three things: Entertaining you, the fans. Getting laid. Getting paid. For $2000 an hour, you can hire their services. They’ll play video games, go see movies, or sit on your couch and do absolutely nothing while you make them dinner. Call now, and they’ll throw in a free Sham-Wow! I’ll continue this real-time when I get back from the bank. 

Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. Homicide: X-Division Champion Samoa Joe has a rematch against Homicide from the ppv. Joe’s strikes seem lacking in power. Joe hits a nice snap slam on Homicide, but Homicide kicks out at two. Joe continues to outpower Homicide, but the Notorious 187 refuses to stay down. Homicide uses speed, and takes Joe down, but can’t get the three-count. Joe gets the pin with a muscle buster. Clean win for Joe.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, totally pimped out, arrives in a chauffeured car.

To the back! Lauren interviews Tara, Christy Hemme, Sarita, and Taylor Wilde are very happy. Next week starts a Knockouts tag team tournament. Tara and Christy will team up, as will Taylor Wilde and Sarita. Tonight is the Four-way dance between Traci Brooks, Awesome Kong, Sarita, and Christy Hemme.

Match #4: Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed) vs. Traci Brooks (w/ Sharmell) vs. Sarita (w/ Taylor Wilde) vs. Christy Hemme (w/ Tara): This was a four-way singles match. Kong and Sarita start. Kong totally outpowers Sarita. Sarita pulls the ropes and Kong goes over the top and hits the floor. Sarita takes down Traci with a spinning head scissors. Traci and Christy slap at each other. Kong clotheslines Traci on the floor. Sarita flies over the top and takes out Kong. We go to a commercial break. When we return, Christy goes for the FFCLG, but Kong plants her. Christy later hits the FFCLD on Traci, but Kong hits Christy with the Implant Buster. Sarita tries a missile dropkick, but Kong catches her and throws her down. While Kong climbs to the top turnbuckle, Traci rolls over and steals the pin on Christy. Traci gets the win. KONG MAD! KONG SMASH! Kong throws chairs as the remaining Knockouts bail up the ramp.

Consequences Creed (w/ Jay Lethal) is in the ring when we return from a commercial break.

Match #5: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Consequences Creed: Lethal is sent to the back by the ref. Pope and Creed exchange arm holds. Creed hits a springboard clothesline, and takes down Pope. Pope returns the favor with a stiff punch. Pope hits a Bronco Buster from behind, sliding through the ropes to the floor. Pope follows up with a barrage of stiff punches and a sleeper hold. Creed fights to his feet. Pope goes for a kick, but Creed catches the foot. Pope is all charisma and flash, a total major league player. Pope pulls down his knee pads and hits Creed with a running double knee to the back. Pope gets the pin and win. Post-match, the lights go out and Suicide’s music plays. Suicide rushes the ring and attacks Pope. Pope bails and looks at Suicide with the Booker T googly eyes. Suicide gestures at Pope with the slice across the throat.

AJ Styles walks toward the ring from backstage.

To the back! Lauren interviews Matt Morgan, asking him if he’s buying what Angle said earlier. Morgan claims that he’s totally buying it because Kurt Angle never lies. He slips up and says Angle will get his “boot” instead of his “back.” Morgan blames his inexperience and nervousness.

To the ring! AJ Styles is in street clothes. He has a mic. The audience chants his name loudly. He says that he’s had it pretty rough for the last few weeks. He always had it rough, but he never quit. He is proud of the man that he has become. More “AJ!” chants. What he isn’t so proud of is losing the Legends title, losing the matches against Matt Morgan, and losing friends like Eric Young and Samoa Joe. He has already missed half the lives of his kids while he’s on the road, and when he is home, he can’t stop being bothered by things like this from work. He yells at his family over petty things because he’s hung up on the work problems. It isn’t worth it. It’s time for AJ Styles to say goodbye to professional wrestling. He loves the TNA fans, and he’s sorry. Sting walks out in street clothes and sunglasses. Loud crowd chants of “Sting!” Sting grabs a mic. He asks AJ if that’s the legacy that AJ really wants to leave after seven years. He says that AJ is saying, “I quit.” He’s quitting on his wife, his kids, the fans, the little kids who want to be him. Sting takes off the glasses and tells AJ that he’s quitting on him too. Right now, AJ is a loser because quitting is what losers do. Does AJ think that Sting hasn’t suffered, both professionally and personally? He hasn’t quit in over twenty years. He wanted to pass the torch to somebody, somebody who could bring honor, dignity, and respect back to the business. He had been talking about AJ the whole time. AJ is, or was, the Chosen One. AJ can either go home and quit, or go in the back, lace up his boots, and claim what is his. AJ is near tears, but he stops, and hugs Sting. Sting says that AJ is supposed to be “The Man,” and tells AJ to come with him. They leave up the ramp together as Taz and Tenay wonder if AJ has really quit or not.

To the back! Lauren asks Hernandez when he plans to cash in his briefcase for a World title shot. Hernandez says that the night he cashes it in will be the night he becomes World Heavyweight Champion. Eric Young interrupts, and tells Hernandez to come talk to him, presumably about joining World Elite. 

To the announce table! “The Boss” Bobby Lashley comes to the announce table, and says that next week will be the TNA television debut of TNA President Dixie Carter. She will announce, among other things, Bobby Lashley’s role in TNA. Tenay invites Lashley to stay at the table and join the commentary. He accepts.

Match #6: Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle: Team 3D enters first. Matt Morgan enters next. Kurt Angle enters, but makes a beeline for Lashley and attacks him at the announce table. Lashley fights back, but Angle makes it to the ring. This was a tables match. Angle and Brother Ray start. Typical Team 3D tables match, with lots of stiff punches and forearms. Team 3D targets Angle’s neck. Morgan overpowers Devon. Team 3D double-teams Morgan over the ropes, and follow up on Angle. When we return from commercial break, Devon leaps off the rope to deliver the Wazzup. “Get the tables!” Team 3D sets up the tables in the ring. Morgan rolls into the ring and clotheslines Team 3D from behind. Morgan moves a table and gestures for a chokeslam. Morgan chokeslams Devon, but Ray moves the table. Angle tags in. Angle goes after Devon, whose mouth appears to be bleeding. Angle goes for an Angle Slam through a table, but Morgan moves the table just as Devon reverses the move. Morgan rushes at another table with a Carbon Footprint, but breaks the table on his own. The match continues, as no one was put through a table by an opponent. Team 3D dominates, and Ray hits Angle with a super kick on the floor. Ray brings another table from the backstage area. Angle fights off Team 3D alone in the ring. Angle calls Morgan into the ring afterwards. Morgan’s knee is still bad from the bothced kick through the table. Angle orders Morgan to the top rope, but Morgan’s knee can’t handle it. Team 3D grab him on the top rope and throw Morgan through the table. Team 3D wins.  Post-match, Angle and Morgan yell at each other.

The End.