With Survivor Series only days away, this would be the WWE’s last ditch effort to squeeze the buy rate juice out of it’s viewers… too bad many people have stopped watching Smackdown. Why you may ask? Perhaps because it has lately been a rehash of RAW matches from the previous Monday, or the same ones to follow on the next Monday. And tonight we get THREE non-title matches, or so I’m led to believe. Great. Whoop dee doo. Let’s hop to it, shall we? …until the juice runs down my leg.
Question; WHEN DID TNA IMPACT START BOOKING WWE SHOWS? Let’s break it down, angles we don’t care about getting stretched WAY past the point we care, angles we might care about getting cut short, face/heel turns out of nowhere, any of this sounding familiar? We’re gonna look at last night’s RAW to find out.
The show opened with a special Veteran’s Day tribute to our military from John Cena, as a voice over; followed by a recap of last week with a dramatic voice over similar to “TMZ” or a promo for a soap opera. The voice over recapped the current major storylines including Lawler returning after a heart attack, Vicki’s crusade to embarrass AJ/Cena, C.M. Punk holding the WWE title for 358 days and facing Cena tonight, and Brad Maddox screwing Ryback and facing him tonight for a $1,000,000 contract.
Yes, WWE is using a dramatic voice over guy just like TNA Impact, just like TMZ, and every sleazy tabloid show. Why? I don’t know. I probably won’t in this life time.
RANDY ORTON DEF DOLPH ZIGGLER – Fast-paced back and forth match-up with a lot of high-impact spots in a short span of time. Match ends when Alberto Del Rio tries to distract Orton with a run in, and Orton side steps Ziggler’s fame-asser, getting the pin with a roll up.
ADR and Ziggler (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) gave Orton a beat down until WWE Intercontinental champion made the save. Teddy Long, Senior Advisor to Smackdown GM Booker T, came out and made this a tag team match (per usual.)
DEL RIO/ZIGGLER DEF ORTON/KINGSTON – Interesting moment when Kingston had a pin on Del Rio. It seemed to me the ref had to stop short on his count because Ziggler was out of position and late w/the save. Ziggler-Rio get the win after Rodriguez distracts Kingston and Del Rio hits an inziguri to the back of the head for a pin.
Any reason they just couldn’t book a tag team match in the first place? Why waste the time?
(I’m guessing because SOMEBODY wasn’t willing to job out; coughing noises, RANDY ORTON, coughing noises.)
We were reminded of Jerry Lawler’s return later tonight, and shown Vicki Guerro making her way to the ring from backstage.
We returned from break with Dolph and Vicki in the ring, discussing the definition of “Scandal,” and Dolph staying out to find the truth. We recapped Vicki’s video “evidence” with Dolph riffing on Cena and AJ. Vicki ordered AJ to come out to explain herself and kept demanding AJ admit that she’s having an affair as the crowd vehemently chanted “Shut up Vicki!” AJ admitted only to being “friends” with John and made a joke about Vicki throwing her “considerable” weight around. Vicki responded by playing voice mails from AJ’s phone, each one sounding like an intimate talk with Cena. AJ insisted they were faked and Ziggler asked if those nights in Cena’s hotel room were more disappointing than not speaking to him anymore. Cena came out but was stopped short by AJ, who slapped Ziggler right in the face followed by a big right hand by Cena. Ziggler and Vicki run off as we were reminded that Cena will face Punk in the main event tonight.
1.) WHY IS THIS STILL A THING!? Vicki HAS what she wanted, power over RAW, not that she’s using it for anything. And what good is attacking Cena doing her or Ziggler? You could say it’s strictly for attention, AND YOU’D BE GIVING US MORE MOTIVE THAT THE PEOPLE WRITING THIS DAMN SHOW DID!
2.) WHY IS THIS A “SCANDAL!?” Cena is divorced; AJ is not GM of RAW anymore, TRIPLE H MARRIED HIS BOSSES DAUGHTER WHILE HE WAS STILL AN ACTIVE WRESTLER! If they are having a “thing,” WHERE IS THE CONFLICT? WHAT IS THE BASIS OF VICKI’S COMPLAINT!? Vicki has nothing to gain here. She’s being an abusive authority figure for the sake of being an abusive authority figure. It’s annoying, tired, and played out.
3.) WHAT DOES ZIGGLER HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS? I don’t understand why Ziggler is helping Vicki take jabs at AJ and Cena, since Cena isn’t facing Ziggler at Survivor Series.
We get another look at World heavyweight Champion Big Show jumping Sheamus and Stephen Regal in a pub on last week’s Smackdown before going to an ad for IAVA.com, an organization dedicated to Iraqi/Afghanistan war veterans.
We came back to AJ and Cena backstage talking about Vicki and Dolph persecuting AJ over something that never happened, or could happen. AJ asked “never could happen?” A suddenly tongue tied Cena left the scene with AJ smiling at him. (Author’s note to Cena: RUN! FOR GOD’S SAKE RUN!)
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION BIG SHOW DEF WILLIAM REGAL – Sadly, little more than a squash as it was mostly Regal selling Show’s offense and getting in brief moments of resistance. After the match, Show threatened to KO Regal with the big right hand, however Sheamus made the save, getting Show down and putting the boots to him. Show runs off as Sheamus looks after Regal.
KAITLIN DEF LAYLA – We went right into this match from the break. The match barley went five minutes until Kaitlin caught Layla in her arms. After what I thought was a botched slam (I was wrong,) Kaitlyn hits a reverse DDT for the three-count. Divas Champ Eve Torres, guest commentator at ringside, stands up and we get a stare-down. After that, we get another look at Lawler having a heart attack and an announcement of his big return next.
We came back to Michael Cole and Jim Ross in the ring, introducing Jerry Lawler. Lawler made his way into the ring and gave both Cole and JR a hug. Lawler thanked the crowd for their support and compared his situation to the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” in that a near-death experience let him see how much he was loved. At that moment, WWE heavyweight champion C.M. Punk came out with Heyman. Punk mentioned how glad he was that Lawler left the ring before Punk beat him to death “again.” He accused Lawler of “disrespectful,” “bad taste”, by way of trying to go toe-to-toe with the champion at 62 years old. He said shame on you to the crowd for blaming him for Lawler’s attack, and that it’s nobody’s fault but Lawler’s. He reminded us all that he’s been champion 358 days and is now 9th longest reigning champion of all time. Lawler jokes about Punk’s reign being on “life support,” and Heyman responded by faking a heart attack. After Punk “saved” Heyman, Mick Foley came out to call Punk on the carpet. Punk claimed that since he got pulled out of the Survivor Series tag match, he and Foley had no business with each other, and Foley should concentrate on filling the “gaping hole” in his team. Foley responded by saying the WWE universe would decide who would get that spot late tonight. Punk suggested to Foley changing the team name to “Team Worthless,” in reference to him, his team, and the fans. Foley cut him off sharply, and let Punk in on a little secret about Lawler, “HE WAS DEAD!” He went on to say Punk didn’t care about lessons or respect. Punk referred to Foley as a “goof” who jumped off his roof. Foley informed Punk he would be the “special guest enforcer” in his match w/John Cena. Foley leaves with a “Have a Nice Day,” for Punk. We were shown a graphic confirming we would in fact have the option via Raw-active Twitter poll, and we went to break with a look at Brad Maddox.
We came back to Punk yelling at Heyman to “Fix it,” referring to Punk’s problems with Cena, Foley, Ryback, and the Maddox issue. After that, we go to ringside for the respective entrances of Sin Cara and Mysterio. Lawler was back at ringside. Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd, Primo, Epico, and the Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neal/Darren Young,) were in the ring.
8 MAN TAG: MYSTERIO, SIN CARA, GABRIEL/KIDD DEF. THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS/PRIMO & EPICO W/ROSA MENDEZ – Good solid trading of back and forth tag team offense to start off. Ricardo Rodriguez came out to give Rosa a note, upsetting Primo before we went to break. If I remember correctly, they hinted at a Del Rio/Rosa paring a few years ago, when Del Rio first came in. It’s nice to see them finally resolving that loose end.
Match ends with Mysterio hitting the 619, and Gabriel hitting the 450 on Young for the pin. The match is followed by an ad for the National Guard, and a camera shot of Ohio National guard members in the audience, along with a “Thank You,” from WWE.
Backstage: Brad Maddox prepped for his match when Heyman approached him. We went to break as they walked off.
We came back to a promo for “Fandango” and a backstage segment with Ziggler and Miz giving each other a hard time. Foley steps in and Ziggler walks off. Foley gives Ziggler a “hi,” from Amy Schumer. Miz asks Foley for a spot on the RAW-active ballot and Foley agrees. Our choices to vote for via Twitter were #Santino, #Ryder, #Miz.
Now is it me, or should this have gotten WAY more build up? Wouldn’t it have made sense for Ziggler to have been needling Miz about his losses over the last few weeks, building up to Miz wanting to settle things with him and seeing this as his opportunity? And why didn’t Foley come to Miz with the offer? Wouldn’t that have gotten Miz some credit?
R-TRUTH DEF. TENSAI – U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro came out to call everyone fat and rude before joining the announce team. During the match, Cole and Lawler made a big deal of Cesaro carrying a satchel. Cesaro explained it was there to carry whatever he needed. R-truth dominated the match with high-spot offense and got the pin w/a “Little Jimmy.” Truth and Cesaro traded jabs at ringside, including a joke by Truth about Cesaro being “Europe in my face.”
After that, we get a look at the new WWE 13, video game, featuring Ryback destroying a player created Brad Maddox.
After a break we get a recap of the Brad Maddox situation leading up to tonight’s “Million Dollar Challenge,” as well as a recap of Vicki and Dolph tormenting Cena and AJ, AND a recap of Foley, Ziggler, Miz.
RYBACK DEF BRAD MADDOX – As Maddox came out, we saw an ambulance pull up to the side of the stage and Brad get visibly rattled. Brad walked to the ring as we were treated to a PIP promo of Brad claiming no one will forget his name. Ryback came out next, followed by a stretcher. The entire match is Ryback decimating Maddox, with Maddox getting ZERO offense. The match ends with Ryback getting the Shell-shock and the pin. After the match, medics try to take Maddox out on the stretcher but Ryback attacks, dumping Maddox off the stretcher and tossing him like garbage into the ambulance.
So, that whole thing with Heyman meant NOTHING!? That whole “million dollar challenge thing” goes NOWHERE? WHAT WAS THE POINT!?
Here’s another thing, let’s play this out on paper. A desperate young man, who’s had setback after setback, finally has a chance at his dream job and a million dollar contract, if he can beat an unstoppable monster. As he makes his way to the arena, the monster’s boss sends out an ambulance and a stretcher to intimidate him. Now if this were anywhere else in the world beside WWE RAW, who would YOU think was the “good guy?” And I know what Maddox did at HitC, what I’m saying is this makes Ryback look more like a heel than it does Maddox. And since Maddox lost, it comes off anti-climatic. The resolution falls flat.
SHEAMUS DEF. DAVID OTUNGA – We get a recap of Sheamus going after Big Show earlier tonight. While Sheamus destroys Otunga, Regal watches on the monitor in the back. Sheamus gets the pin with a combo of “White Noise,” and the “Brogue Kick.”
Backstage: Big Show attacks Regal.
We came back from break. Josh Mathews updates us on Regal’s condition. It’s a concussion and maybe a broken jaw. We go to a promo for the Wounded Warrior Project, an outfit designed to help returning soldiers with medical and psychological injuries.
Backstage: Kane makes his way to the ring when Daniel Bryan confronts him. They argue about Kane tagging with someone besides him with Bryan playing the role of jealous girlfriend. Bryan suggests going to Foley to protest but Kane just disappears on him. Bryan goes into his “NO!” routine much to the crowd’s delight.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE AND THE MIZ DEF. TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS (CODY RHODES/DAMIAN SANDOW) – Miz wins the RAW-active twitter poll to be Kane’s partner, and the crowd seems happy about it. Daniel Bryan comes out, seemingly to cheer on Kane. During the match, Bryan managed to distract Miz, setting up an opening for the Rhodes Scholars to take over. The match ends with Bryan going after Miz but Miz sending him crashing into Rhodes. Kane gets the pin with the choke-slam, and Bryan and Miz argue over Kane.
I just wrote that.
Yeah.
Daniel Bryan is now Kane’s jealous girlfriend. I’m just moving on….
We take a look at WWE’s annual tribute to the troops, and our main event is up next.
JOHN CENA DEF. WWE CHAMPION C.M. PUNK – Foleys out first as “special enforcer,” followed by Punk w/Heyman, and John Cena. The crowd is actually split between a man who’s granted a record 300 Make-a-Wish foundation visits and a man who mocked someone for having a heart attack.
We came back from a break to find Punk in control of the match. Point of interest is Punk applying a “new/improved” version of the “Anaconda Vice,” down on the mat, hands locked behind Cena’s head w/the left leg hooked under the chin. Cena eventually escapes and takes over. Heyman runs in but is caught off by Cena, and Foley drags Heyman out. Punk tries to limp away from the match but Ryback is out and chases him back into Cena’s clutches. Cena gets the pin w/the AA. The match ends with Cena and Ryback staring each other down, both clutching the belt, with Punk on the outside, looking like he’s gonna cry.
You know, this DOES work in terms of story. We have two of the most powerful forces in the WWE on a collision course, with the defending champion either caught in the middle, or getting shut out altogether. The problem is I don’ see it as a story; I see it as THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF HOW WWE DOES THIS. I often tell myself that WWE is trying to book Punk like Ric Flair, the clever heel champ who always finds a way to weasel out of losing the title, but then I remember Flair was never treated like a prison bitch.
In conclusion, this show didn’t really do anything to sell me on Survivor Series this Sunday. All they did was rush through angles they failed to build up properly over the past month. Do you know what my advice to WWE is?
Smackdown on Tuesday? Hmm… WWE are you sure you want to do this? You want to go up against the US Presidential Election? You want to go up against the drop day release of Halo 4, one of the most anticipated video games of 2012? Will I even finish this review on Tuesday? All questions that even I don’t know the answer to. I’m not that inclined to review this after a 3 hour RAW, a show I might have not even finished watching at this point, let alone had enough time to mentally recover from to watch yet another 2 hours of professional wrestling. Let’s get this over with and hop to it, shall we?
Coming off a stinker of a PPV, the WWE has decided to try to salvage the product. In all fairness, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it would appear that almost every single member of the IWC is visually challenged. That’s the P.C. way to say fucking blind, right? Just kidding, most of that PPV sucked. Let’s see if Smackdown gets the same treatment. It doesn’t cost $45-55 either! Hopping time…
As we inch ever closer to the one year anniversary of the first episode of BoredWrestlingFan Radio, Andrew J Reimers of the Andrew J Reimers CPX and wrestling manager Brian DeVille join Joe, G, JT, and Jorge for another great episode! Wrestling television is over analyzed, and Hell In a Cell predictions are given. News includes a John Cena/Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly scandal, more on Hulk Hogan’s sex tape lawsuit, news on KENNY!, words from Snitsky, and much, much more! Click the link below to tune in!
Sweet Jeebus, there is a PPV on Sunday and this is the WWE’s last ditch effort to convince you to pay for it. After battling the ratings challenge of this month, including going up against the NFL, MLB playoffs, infomercials, and the Presidential debates, you’d think they’d treat this show like it meant something. But you’d be wrong. So, let’s just get down to hopping into Ryback’s water tank and swim like a dolphin not violating the wellness policy, shall we?
Happy Halloween! Remember when choosing your costume, sometimes it’s just for the best to be yourself.
SIN CARA/REY MYSTERIO VS RHODES SCHOLARS – Right off the bat, we get into the action. As Rey makes his way out, we’re told by Michael Cole that RAW GM AJ Lee has been called to an emergency meeting at WWE HQ. Sandow and Rhodes win when Sandow blocks the ref from a three count. Sandow and Cara spill outside while Cody hits the crossroads for the three.
It could just be me, but Cara looked like he was having an off night. The double teams from the masked men seemed awkward, and not as quick or crisp as you’d expect.
After the match, Team Hell No (Kane and Bryan) cut a promo on their new no. 1 contenders and Kane pulled Bryan behind him, grabbing him by the face, followed up by a pyro spot
We come back from break with a “Tout” by Zack Ryder about working the first ever WWE Egyptian tour. We get a look at pics and videos.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON VS MICHAEL MIGILLICUTTY – The Miz joins the commentary team to scout Kofi; however Cole and J.R. put the focus on his match later tonight with Ryback, and the Egyptian tour. Kofi wins it with “Trouble in Paradise.”
We go to a recap of last Monday’s contract signing when Cena gave Ryback the title-shot at Hell in the Cell, and Ryback gave Punk the “shell-shock.”
Back from break and we get a shot of Super Bowl Champions the New York Giants before Cena comes out to “really NOT pro-Cena,” crowd. Cole reminds us to go to WWE.com and help the Susan G. Komen foundation fight breast cancer by buying special John Cena merchandise. (100 % goes to the charity.) He cuts a promo about Ryback and Punk at HitC, putting over Ryback as a no-nonsense ass-kicker, promising a Ryback win.
C.M. Punk comes out w/Paul Heyman. Punk calls Cena on his predictable pandering to the Giants, saying he prefers the San Francisco brand. Punk says he’s the best in the world and promises he will win at HitC. He compliments Cena on his new role as “cheerleader” for Ryback and credits Cena for realizing he can’t beat him. Cena responds by saying he’s clear to wrestle and challenges Punk to step up/in the ring. Punk walks all the way to the edge of the apron, Heyman begging him not to do it every step, and backs out with the belt.
We go to break with another mention of AJ Lee tweeting about her emergency meeting with WWE HQ.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS JUSTIN GABRIEL – Cole mentions how Cesaro said no American can beat him, and how last week he disrespected the Sun Records building, Elvis, and Jerry Lee Lewis. End of the match is Gabriel and Cesaro on the top rope, trading hits until Cesaro falls, and Gabriel hits the 450 splash FOR THE WIN! Cole and J.R. sell this as a huge upset and suggest Gabriel might be getting a shot at the U.S. title.
Backstage; a limo rolls in and Vince McMahon himself gets out w/RAW GM A.J. Lee in tow. (It looks like a kidnapping.)
Back from break, Vince has AJ in the ring. Vince tells us about AJ being called in by the Board of Directors, and gives the mike to AJ. AJ officially resigns as GM based on false allegations of “fraternizing” with a WWE superstar. AJ gives an awesome speech about how grateful she is to the WWE for giving a poor girl who grew up with nothing a chance, and how she went from having nothing to being the boss. Vince gives her a hug.
Out comes Paul Heyman, ragging on AJ for being a “Jersey Girl,” and complimenting her back-handedly for overcoming he faults. He nominates himself as new GM and gets shot down by Vince. We are introduced to new WWE “managing supervisor,” Vicki Guerro.
What the hell is a “managing supervisor?”
After Vicki thanks the WWE for the opportunity, Heyman tries to work his charm on her, and tries to get Punk out of his match with Ryback. Vicki shoots him down and makes tonight’s Main Event a champion vs. champion, lumberjack match with Sheamus against C.M. Punk. Heyman walks off having a conniption while Vicki cuts a promo on AJ, calling her too “immature,” for a position of authority. Vicki tells the crowd she was accused of having an “affair” with a WWE superstar. Vicki tries to dismiss her, but after a few steps, AJ decides to go after her. After a quick cat-fight, Vicki bails, and we go to break.
So for the record, dating WWE talent is a no-no.
Marriage, that’s a whole different thing.
Back from break; with Ryback in the ring, followed by The Miz.
RYBACK VS THE MIZ – Do you expect me to end this in ANY OTHER WAY than clothesline, followed by Shellshock, Ryback gets the pin?
After the match, we get a promo of the WWE talking to kids about bullying as part of the “Be a Star” campaign AND I’M THE ONLY ONE WHOS GOING TO POINT OUT THE IRONY OF EVE TORRESS DOING THIS AIN’T I?
We come back from break with Eve backstage dogging AJ on her phone, implying AJ hooked up with Zack Ryder and Primo. Kaitlyn confronts her with a picture taken off her I-pad, and it breaks down into a brawl with Layla getting into it.
If I knew how, I’d post video of Peter Griffin going “WHO THE HELL CARES?” on constant loop.
After that, we go to a interview backstage with Josh Mathews and Sheamus, playing with a WWE brawling buddy. Big Show comes in, knocks it away, and warns Sheamus to get serious.
Daniel Bryan comes out to the ring as we go to break.
When we come back, we get a pop for WWE.com and a story about Cena getting a special award from the “Make a Wish,” foundation.
DOLPH ZIGGLER VS WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION(S) DANIEL BRYAN – J.R. and Cole speculate about Vicki dropping Dolph and the future of RAW management while Ziggler and Bryan wrestle one of the best matches I’ve seen this year. There’s a LOT of high-spots and big-impact maneuvers, and a scary spot with Ziggler hitting the ring-post head first. Match ends with Kane (Bryan’s partner) distracting Bryan with a “YES!” chant and Ziggler hitting the Zig-Zag.
Side Note: CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET TO THE PART WHERE THEY LOSE THE TITLES AND FUED FOR A MONTH ALREADY?
After the match, Team Hell No argues until Matt Stryker comes out to announce that Kane and Bryan have been ordered by Vicki Guerro to compete in a “therapeutic game show,” against Rhodes Scholars.
They ain’t thrilled about it either.
After the break, we get a recap of AJ resigning, Vicki being made “managing supervisor,” and AJ going off on her ass.
Bryan and Kane are seated for “the Newly Tag” game, and act like they plan to play along. Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes come out, crap all over the segment, and walk. Stryker declares them the winners by forfeit as Bryan has a win-gasim. Bryan and Kane look at Stryker with murderous intent. Stryker bails and from the safety of the stage, smiles villainously and makes it clear he can’t wish them luck in their match on Sunday. Big Show walks up behind him and tosses him across the stage like a bowling ball.
So anybody gonna explain to me what Stryker did to deserve this bitch-booking? Or whatever happened to that whole “no touching announcers,” rule?
Back from break, Kane and Big Show have a match in progress.
BIG SHOW VS WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION(S) KANE – Slow back and forth brawl; with lots of punching and choking with a few high spots. Show wins with the big right hand after Rhodes Scholars comes out with the distraction and double team Bryan into unconsciousness.
Backstage; Santino tries to comfort AJ. Cena enters the picture and Santino walks. Cena tries to get AJ fight this, AJ reveals Cena was the one they accused her of “fraternizing” with, and she took the hit to protect him. Cena hugs AJ and promises to take care of this.
Back from break, Miz is Touting about Cairo Egypt, being awesome as part of the world tour.
Backstage: Cena confronts Vince about the decision to replace AJ with Vick – sort of. Apparently Vince has no say in how his own company is run.
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS ZACK RYDER – Okay, what is J.R.’s problem tonight? First he and Cole gripe about Roberto Rodriguez introducing Del Rio, then he says something about hearing people complaining about losing their “spot” for years, then he dumps on Ryder’s “internet champion” gimmick. Del Rio wins with the Arm-breaker, and then cuts a promo on Ryder as if he were Randy Orton while continuing to brutalize him. Del Rio mocks Orton’s posing.
Backstage; Vicki Guerro is cleaning out AJ’s office when Cena gets all up in her face, Vicki points out Cena asked her out on TV, and they were seen having dinner together. He claims it was a business dinner as friends. Vicki says it doesn’t matter; Cena is still the one who cost her, her job.
Back from break, we have an interview with Dolph Ziggler. He blames John Cena for the whole mess, and implies AJ should’ve had “better taste.”
We get a Ryback Video Package showing him destroy people and how much the crowd loves him.
Someone WILL have to explain this to me.
Backstage; Heyman tries to comfort C.M. Punk who’s upset about the lumberjack match with Sheamus. Heyman tries to keep his spirits up; reassuring him he will be Champion after this Sunday.
Back from break; we have a TON of WWE superstars around the ring and C.M. Punk in the ring. Sheamus is out next, and you can hear a faint C.M. Punk chant.
WWE CHAMPION C.M. PUNK VS WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SHEAMUS – As Sheamus makes his way to the ring, Cole quotes a tweet from “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, wishing him luck. Early in the match, Sheamus is tossed out and the lumberjacks give him a huge berth. When Punk is tossed out a minute later, the “jacks” swarm him. We get a solid, if basic match that builds its pace slowly but gets the crowd into it. Two of the lumberjacks run into the ring and each eats a big boot from Sheamus. Sheamus goes for Punk but takes a chokeslam from Big Show allowing Punk to get the pin.
And no; I don’t know why Punk wasn’t DQ’d when the two guys ran in.
After the match, Ryback comes out to get a piece of Punk. Whenever Punk tries to run, the face lumberjacks toss him back to Ryback. Ryback tosses punk like a pizza and drops him on a bunch of heels. Punk whimpers in pain as Ryback stands tall.
Here we are, once again. Smackdown time. What type of show will we get with a kind-of-returning Jerry Lawler? Probably one involving a robot in the main event against a concussion victim? You guessed it, let’s hop to it shall we?
Hey Meltzer! What did you think about Smackdown this week? Are you EVEN Dave Meltzer?
As clear and concise as always… 🙂
Well, I guess I better figure out what happened myself. Figured I should use the two LOLZ I made this week for something other than making people smile on facebook, no? Hopping time!
John Cena opens the show with a weird promo about Kane/Bryan’s anger management issues, U.S. Champion Cesar Antonio having huge nipples, and wanting to take AJ out on a date to “In & Out” burger. He comments on how loud the crowd is, but they have no voice; because the voice of the voiceless has become the “voice of the selfish,” referring to WWE Champion C.M. Punk refusing to face him at “Hell in a Cell.”
“If you are the best in the world, what does it matter if no-one watches?” – John Cena
Cena says Punk’s not a man, and tells him don’t be a punk. Face him at “HIC” and cement his legacy.
As Cena leaves, RYBACK enters. They trade a glance passing each other up the aisle.
RYBACK DEF PRIMO/EPICO W/ROSA – This match actually makes Mo/Co look better in defeat than Ryback does in victory. The former champions take over early and dominate with quick double teaming, yet this ends just the way you figured, with Ryback squashing both men w/a combo of clotheslines and the Meat-hook.
John Bradshaw Layfield is on commentary tonight w/Jim Ross and Michael Cole. During the match, he mentions how Primo/Epico were Puerto Rican tag team champions, and that their uncle Carlos Colon still owes him and a lot of other people money.
Brodus Clay and the Funkadactyls dance their way to the ring. R-Truth chases “Little Jimmy” into the ring. He apologizes to Brodus, but since “Jimmy” is going through some “changes,” he asks if they can dance instead of fight. Brodus agrees and we have a dance party; until Vince McMahon himself pops up on the tron to tell them to wrap it up and dance out of the ring, so he can deliver a “state of the WWE address” after the break.
We come back from break and Vince is in the ring, addressing the state of WWE.
“We just saw two grown men, out here with two lovely ladies, the Funkadactyls – you have to be careful how you say that – dancing with an imaginary child, that’s the state of the WWE.” – Vince McMahon
Vince remarks how that there’s room for that in the WWE as well as Leprechauns, Goat-faced vegans, big red monsters, giants etc. When he mentions the best facing the best, WWE champ C.M. Punk interrupts with Paul Heyman in tow. Vince calls his t-shirt ugly and says he feels disrespected. Punk goes off on the subject of disrespect, in regards to him. He asks if Vince respects him. Vince says he respects Punks reign as champion, but he’s not a “C.M. Punk guy.”
Punk responds by calling himself the best thing Vince has got right now, and he should be appreciated. He threatens to jump the rail and let Vince kiss his ass goodbye. He asks Vince who makes the WWE a success, Vince answers, and it’s the WWE universe. He listens to them every day, and he bets they’re all thinking someone needs to shut his mouth. Vince says he has no right to compare himself to past stars like Shawn Michaels, Brett Hart, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Punk cuts a promo on Austin, saying he got to the top with short-cuts and ducking people. Punk follows it up with a slap to Vince’s face. Vince gets back up and demands that Punk fights him tonight!
Back from break, Arnold Schwarzenegger is our social media ambassador tonight.
REY MYSTERIO/SIN CARA DEF TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG – This was a general but entertaining tag match, if formulaic. Rey gets the win with a 619 and droppin’ the dime. This puts “Sinsterio” in the finals of the tournament to name #1 contenders to the WWE tag team title.
Backstage: Paul Heyman tries to talk Punk out of the match w/Vince McMahon, telling him even if he wins, they’ll both have a crazy billionaire dedicated, to making their lives miserable, after them. Punk says they have nothing to worry about.
Back from break, we get a double recap of Cena challenging Punk at Hell in the Cell, Punk slapping down Vince, and Vince making a main-event with him facing Punk.
SHEAMUS DEF WADE BARRETT (DQ) – Before the match, we get a recap of Sheamus getting Big Show DQ’d in his match against Tensai on last weeks’ Smackdown. Just as the match starts, Big Show comes out to sit at ringside. The match itself was just a good old fashioned brawl, with the momentum going back and forth until Tensai runs in to get payback and the DQ for Sheamus. Sheamus fights off his attackers but Big Show catches his foot, and dumps him over the ropes and out the ring. Show walks off smiling.
After the match, JR heads to the back to try and talk Vince out of the match. Vince makes JR call the match right there in front of him.
Back from break, Punk meets with GM AJ Lee, suggesting that the WWE BOD (board of directors) might not be happy with her letting her boss get beaten up. AJ calls Punk a coward, and Punk agrees to the match, saying whatever happens is on her “pretty little head.”
We get a look at Cena pushing the Susan G. Komen breast-cancer awareness campaign on “Kelly and Michael.” (Daytime TV. show)
Back from break, we get a recap of Antonio Cesaro taking out Brodus Clay with the “Neutralizer” on last weeks’ show. As Cesaro makes his way to the ring, we get a clip of Cesaro insulting Americans taste in cuisine, saying it’s only fit for swine.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO DEF TYSONN KIDD – Kidd actually gets in some nifty offense, but Cesaro finishes it convincingly with the “Neutralizer.”
We come back from break to Vicki Guerro introducing us to Mr. Money in the Bank, Dolph Ziggler. Michael Cole recaps Ziggler’s “Twitter feud” with Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio, who drives out in an $110,000 Mazarati. WWE tag champions Daniel Bryan and Kane make their respective entrances, and we’re underway.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS HELL NO (BRYAN/KANE) DEF ALBERTO DEL RIO AND DOLPH ZIGGLER – Face-paced, if by-the-numbers tag with plenty of highspots. Kane brings it home by tagging himself in and getting the choke-slam on Ziggler for the three-count.
Side Notes: Kane celebrates 15 years with WWE this month, and JBL calls Mil Mascaras (Del Rio’s grandfather,) the “most selfish man in the business.”
Recap: Punk slaps Vince
Backstage: JR tries to talk Vince out of the match, mentioning what happened to “The King.” Vince makes JR call the match in the old JR style right then and there, following that with a Rock reference.
“It doesn’t matter what you think!” – Vince McMahon
Back from break, Cole congratulates JBL on his successful climb of Mount Kilimanjaro to raise money for at-risk kids.
AND now we get a “Larry King NOW” segment. Broadcast legend Larry King comes out with wife # seven/eight/thirteen, whatever, and introduces Intercontinental Champion the Miz as his guest. Miz acts like a jerk, Larry brings out Kofi Kingston, Miz is a bigger jerk, Larry’s wife throws water in his face, Miz takes off his jacket, Kofi jumps Miz, and as they fight to the back, Larry and wife no. seven of eleven wave and smile to the people, feeling NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER to sell the brawl like it’s anything important.
“I’ve had more championships than you’ve had wives.” – The Miz
RHODES SCHOLARS VS SANTINO MORELLA/ZACK RYDER – Quick, simple tag team match w/Cody Rhodes and Damian Sandow advancing into the finals, after Cody hits the beautiful disaster while Santino tries to put on the sock puppet.
After the match, Santino take a beat-down from Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre, and Jinder Mahal. I don’t know why.
Backstage: Paul Heyman tries to talk Vince out of the match w/C.M. Punk. Vince asks Heyman if he knows when he is/isn’t lying.
“Don’t make CM Punk do to you, what Brock Lesnar did to Triple H.” – Heyman
WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP; EVE VS KAITLIN – Layla joins the commentary team while Eve makes Kaitlyn look good. Kaitlyn hits a back-breaker on Eve, aggravating the “injured” ankle. Eve wins with an ankle-lock submission, but refuses to let go. Layla runs in to break it up. Eve makes like she’s concerned for Kaitlyn. During the whole match, JBL kept riding Layla on her “conspiracy theory,” about how Eve got the title shot. It was like he was trying to get something out of her, but I’ll never know what.
Backstage: Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo are deciding where to go to eat. Josh Mathews comes in and tries to tell them about Randy Orton’s tweet. Del Rio tries to blow him off, but Josh reads the tweet. Orton is really looking forward to Smackdown. Del Rio gets concerned and bolts.
Twitter, the new weapon of intimidation; as confirmed by teen-age girls everywhere.
After a promo for the Susan G. Komen breast cancer awareness campaign, we get a bit where Daniel Bryan asks Larry for advice about dealing with the “goat face” comments. Kane steps in and they start with the arguing. Bryan yells at Kane for scaring off Larry. Kane thought it was Skeletor.
VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON VS WWE CHAMPION C.M. PUNK (NO CONTEST) – Punk jumps Vince from behind before the match even starts, and proceeds to toss him all over the arena floor. Funniest spot is Punk putting on a headset to mock Vince.
“WHAT A MANUVER!” – Punk to Vince
And then it goes to crap.
Vince not only turns the tide, but proceeds to BRUTALIZE Punk. He HURLS Punk across the announce table, and pounces on him. At one point, Vince grabs a Kendo stick, and Punk tries to RUN AWAY. He calls for Heyman to grab his belt, but Vince takes Heyman down and grabs it.
Punk comes back, and finds a Kendo stick of his own. We get a brief duel THAT VINCE WINS! Punk takes over with a low-blow and batters Vince with two kendo sticks. Punk goes for the GTS, but Ryback runs to the rescue. Punk tries to bail, but John Cena comes out to toss him back in. After taking a few bumps, Punk bails. Vince demands Punk choose to face Ryback or Cena at HITC by next week, or Vince will choose for him.
RYTMANS RANT
SERIOUSLY!? You really want to take this huge step back? After a solid first hour with decent matches, you wanna JOB OUT YOUR CHAMPION TO A 67 YEAR OLD MAN? YOU EXPECT TO SELL A PPV WITH THIS SH!T?
Was this some kind of jab at Lawler? Or a punishment because you blame Punk for what happened to him? Because I have NO idea what the logic here is.
