RYTMANS RAW REVIEW 07/02/2012

We open with a look back at last weeks RAW, when the Big Show left John Cena laying in the ring.

Michale Cole reminds us that this is show#997 and in three weeks we make it to show 1000! Lawler and Cole remind us that Money in The Bank is two weeks away.

Cena makes his entrance and the crowd goes wild (yea.) Cole and Lawler remind us Cena will be in his first ever MiTB ladder match with Show, Kane and Jericho.

Cena COULD come down vowing to turn into some vengful manimal like Dr. Johnathon Chase, but NOOOOO. He wants to THANK Show/Jericho. Jericho said Cena needed to prepare for anything that can happen. Last week was a crash course in Mitb. You have no friends, only enimies. Cena needs to be prepared for everything, from giants, singers, tables, ladders, chairs, monsters, to flying bodyparts. He promises two things will happen after MiTB…
1. Show will go home an empty handed sewage baby.
2. Cena will cash in the MiTB contract to become WWE champion.

Cue Daniel Bryan: YES! YES! YES!

Bryan didn’t even realize Cena was out there. Cena isn’t relevant to him. Wait, that’s not entirely true, because after MiTB, Bryan will be the new WWE champion; and if Cena does get the contract, he will be the first to cash it in and lose. Cena can think of at least one person who disagrees.

Cue CM Punk:

Actually John, Puk can think of a lot more than that.
Does He disagree w/Daniel? Yes!
Does John disagree w/Daniel? Yes!
Does Jerry Lawler disagree w/Daniel? YES!
Does the guy selling popcorn disagree w/Daniel? YES!
So does the crowd, and Punk leads the “YES” chant until Bryan demands someone come up with an original thought. Punk reminds Bryan that AJ will be guest ref for their title match, and will count his shoulders down for three. How’s that for original?
Punk turns to Cena and says if he wins MiTB, it’ll be down to him and Punk again.

Cue JERICHO!

That’s not an original thought Punk, here’s one; you’re still a wannabe. Punk tells Bryan not to worry about people stealing catch-phrases, it happens to him all the time.

“No offense, Mr. Best in the world.” – Jericho
“None taken, Mr. Bon Jovi.” CM Punk

He suggests Bryan try using more than one catch-phrase. Bryan tries to interupt but…

“Will You Please SHUT THE HELL UP!” – Jericho
“And let me welcome you to RAW IS JERICHO!” -Jericho
“And after tonight, none of you in this ring will ever… EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHVAH, be the same agayn.” – Jericho

Since Jericho INVENTED this match, he’s going to win it, and dares anyone to tell him otherwise.

Cue Kane

“Otherwise” – Kane

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL it’s the Big Show!

Cena gets ready for Show, Bryan gets him from the back, and a huge but quick brawl ends with Big Show standing.

COMMERCIAL

DID YOU KNOW? When MNR made it’s debut in 1993:
KIm Kardashian – 12 yrs old
Rihanna – 4
Miley Cyrus – 2 months
Beiber – NOT BORN YET.
Me – Just waiting to die.

Chrlie Sheen will be special guest celebrity social media ambassador. #SheenGetsRaw.

PRIME TIME PLAYERS/DAVID OTUNGA/CODY RHODES vs. KOFI KINGSTON/R-TRUTH/U.S. CHAMPION SANTINO MORELLA/INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION CHRISTIAN

Basic 8 man tag with a few highspots by Kofi. We have a standoff on the outside as we go to

COMMERCIAL

We come back with Cody in control while AW cheers on his clients with his headset set for all to hear. Kofi tags in Santino who owns Otunga. AW pulls his men out of the match and call it a night. Then CODY bails on Otunga while Brodus Clay makes his way out. Everyone gets a turn tossing Otunga back into the ring, and Santion scores a COBRA! for a three count.
After a killswitch/splash combo on Otunga, we get the obligatory dance party w/kiddies and the girls.

Backstage, ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRIO tries to score brownie points w/tonights interm GM Teddy Long. He tries to convince Teddy to make him no.1 contender again. Long was “axed” by the Board Of Directors to tell him they already have. Teddy made a decision of his own, to book Del Rio in a match tonight. Against who? It’s a “Teddy Long Surprise.”

COMMERCIAL

Stephanies favorite RAW recollection; her father training for the Royal Rumble during his fued w/Austin.

Cole thanks us for making RAW the longest running show in history, Lawler reminds us that on 07/23, the show goes three hours.

In the ring at this time is Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO! ADR comes out in an expensive car as the fans chant… something less than nice (I guess) at him.

Teddy’s surprise? SIN CARA! But ADR has a surprise of his own, a running knee to the head in the middle of Cara’s entrance.
Del Rio beats Sin Cara down and gives him the arm breaker on the outside. Del Rio leaves him lying with a smirk on his face as ring personel run to his ade.

Backstage: Bryan tries to make up w/AJ and offers her a single red rose as a peace offering. AJ calls him on his bs and promises to win her match tonight and run off into the arms of who the WWE universe sees as her “soulmate.” The bit ends with AJ BITING THE HEAD OFF THE ROSE and giving Bryan back the stem.

When we come back from commercial, Paul Heyman will be with us via satellite to answer Triple H’s challenge to Brock Lesnar.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back, looking at the unfolding drama between Brock Lesnar and Triple H. We see the promos from last month that end with Heyman getting laid out.

Heyman is with us LIVE via Satellite. Cole asks him will Lesnar face Triple H at SummerSlam? Heyman announces Lesnar will personally respond… in three weeks at RAW 1000. Heyman claims Triple H wants to face Lesnar at SummerSlam so he can go out “on his shield” “in a blaze of glory,” and focus on his life outside the ring. Heyman adds if the match happens…

“It’ll be a mercy killing.” – Pail Heyman

Up Next: Sheamus/AJ vs. Dolph Ziggler/Vicki Guerro

COMMERCIAL

Slam of The Week: Last week on Smackdown, Ziggler and Vicki argue, it ends w/Vicki slapping Dolph.

EXCUSE ME! Vicki introduces herself as “the most captivating, irresistable, charismatic diva to ever grace the grand stage of WWE, QUEEN DIVA – Vicki Guerrero!” She then introduces Ziggler and they make their way to the ring.

MIXED TAG MATCH: ZIGGLER/VICKI vs. AJ/SHEAMUS

We get a recap of AJ getting voted by WWE.com into a special guest ref spot at MiTB, in the Punk/Bryan WWE title match.

Sheamus is out and we get the match started. AJ goes after Vicki, but Sheamus puts her out and calms her down.

The match is pretty much what we’ve already seen so far between these two, set on fast foward. Sheamus gets set for the Brouge kick, but Ziggler tags out. Sheamus kicks Dolph out of the picture (litterally,) and AJ wraps it up with a “shining wizard” knee-lift for the three. AJ leads the crowd in a “YES” chant, and heads backstage.

AJ finds Punk on the phone and pesters him until he hangs up. She wants to know what Punk thought of her match, but Punk’s been on the phone for the last 15 minutes, he missed it. AJ leaves, hurt.

COMMERCIAL

We come back with Heath Slater in the ring. We get a montage of Slater being humiliated for the past three weeks by returning legends. Slater says that’s not funny. He is not a clown!

Cue…
DOINK THE CLOWN!

Seriously, DOINK THE CLOWN!

It’s a brief, by the numbers match, but it ends with A WIN FOR SLATER!

Cue Diamond Dallas Page:

Page and Slater trade pleasantries and handshakes, until Page hits the Diamond Cutter on Slater.

We get a promo for NO HOLDS BARRED, on DVD for the first time ever tomorrow.

Up Next: Kane Vs. Big Show, NO DQ!

COMMERCIAL

We come back with a video package of Cena and Alicia Fox visiting recovering troops at Walter Reed Hospital and talking up the troops.

Promo for MiTB

NO DQ: KANE VS. BIG SHOW

The match is just a slow, dull brawl. Kane and Show hit a few rough looking spots, until Show ends it with a chokeslam on a chair to Kane. Show does sell a shoulder injury, but I can’t tell if it’s legit.

Backstage: Eve is back! She tries to butter up Teddy, but just gets a name-tag for her trouble. She comes across AJ, and recomends she leave head-games to the “grown-ups” and do “what little girls do best,” and go cry in the corner. AJ gets that look in her eyes, and runs down all the options Eve has used up, promising she’ll show her how to get attention.

COMMERCIAL

Alberto Del Rio’s most memorible monday night moment? The night De-generation X “invaded” WCW.

TENSAI (w/Sakamoto) vs. TYSON KIDD

Both men will be in the MiTB match for the World’s championship contract. Tensai beats Kidd into the corner but misses a charge, and Kidd gets a schoolboy FOR A THREE COUNT!

The match is less than a minute, and Tyson gets the win! Tensai takes it out on Sakamoto and leaves him laying.

Backstage: Bryan and Jericho attempts to make nice end in shots at each others jackets and a duel of catchphrases.

Cena and Punk discuss strategy as well. Johny C agrees to listen to Punk and follow his lead. Punk doesn’t look convinced.

COMMERCIAL

Back from the break, Tyson Kidd is talking bout his big win… until Tensai jumps him from behind and beats him wihout mercy.

CHRIS JERICHO/DANIEL BRYAN vs.JOHN CENA/CM PUNK

Jericho walks out wearing the most expensive jacket he has EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHVAH worn, according to Jerry Lawler. Bryan, Punk and Cena each get their entrances, and we’re off.

The match starts out with Punk tossing Bryan around, tag to Cena who muscles Bryan out of the ring. Jericho tags in. He and Cena play it cautious, sizing each other up. Cena shoulder-blocks Jericho off the ring, into the guard rail as we go to commercial.

COMMERCIAL

We come back w/Cena trying to fight out of the enemy corner. Jericho takes over on Cena, wearing him down. Jericho misses a lion-sault, and tags in Bryan, who kicks away at Cena in the corner. Tag to Jericho, Cena (maybe) botches a suplex attempt, and Jericho stays in control, until Cena shoves Jericho chest first into the corner. Both men make a hot tag, and Punk unloads on Bryan. Cena and Jericho take it to the back, while Punk and Bryan trade kicks and jumps. Punk scores a superplex just as AJ comes out. Punk and Bryan are too busy trading shots to notice her, so AJ pulls out a table from under the ring.

AJ sets up the table on the outside, and climbs to the top rope. She looks like she’s having second thoughts. Bryan gets between her and the table to try and stop her. Punk climbs up to talk her down.

AJ plants a big kiss on Punk, AND SHOVES HIM OFF THE ROPES! Punk lands on Bryan, taking them both through the table.

RAW ends with the WWE champion and his top challenger, layed out, while a 98 lbs. girl laughs at them both.

So that’s it for tonight. Laer this week, I will attempt to bring you a recap of each match with move by move detail (no promises.) Till next time, peace and chicken grease.