WWE RAW results 8/24/09

Last night, while security was detaining a fan, Randy Orton hit an RKO and pinned John Cena to retain the WWE Championship.  It wasn’t really a fan, however, it was Ted DiBiase’s brother Brett.  Orton says that Brett DiBiase’s actions were inexcusable, and Cody Rhodes points out that Orton would’ve won anyway.

Floyd “Money” Mayweather is our guest host tonight – but first, it’s the boss, look busy!

Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring, and he seems to be in a good mood.  He says that tonight’s guest host is one of the greatest showmen, one of the greatest fighter of all time, Floyd “Money” Mayweather!  But before we get to that, the referee’s decision, despite the controversey, is final.  It’s time to clear up that controversey, John Cena will get his rematch in about three weeks on a pay per view.  It’s a brand new concept, aptly known as “Breaking Poing,” in which the main events are submission matches.  Cena and Orton’s match will be an “I Quit” match.  And if anybody interferes on behalf of Orton, he’ll immediately be stripped of the WWE Championship.  Have a good night!

BREAK IT DOWN!

Before the chairman can leave ringside, Triple H and HBK, collectively known as Degeneration X, make their way to the ring.  Mr. McMahon tells them to have a good night.  Triple H says we probably expected them on a tank, but with the economy, they couldn’t afford it.  He then says that he doesn’t like good guy Mr. McMahon.  It’s creepy.  Like Michael Vick at a PETA convention.  HBK says it’s yucky.  Triple H says there must be a reason he’s in a good mood.  The boss says he knows where this is going.  HBK asks if today is August 24th.  He thinks somebody’s got a birthday.  Triple H says it’s Dave Chappelle.  HBK says to think whiter and crazier.  Triple H says Marley Matlin.  HBK says older and more incoherent.  Triple H wonders who we know that’s old, crazy, and incoherent.  Oh wait!  It’s Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s 84th Birthday!  The fans start chanting “84.”  Triple H corrects himself and says it’s his 74th birthday.  The fans chant “74.”  Triple H says he’s actually 70.  Mr. McMahon says “I’m 64!”  Triple H and HBK are surprised that he told everybody how old he is.  McMahon tells them to leave.  HHH asks how many birthday’s he’s got left, especially in Vegas.  HBK says that if he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, because he’s a pioneer.  Triple H says he was a real pioneer with the wagon and everything.  HBK says no, he’s the reason we watch WWE Television.  If he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, but he wants to show him a tribute.  It’s a nice touching tribute – until they play the clip of “Stand Back.”  Then they show a bunch of Vince’s not so proud moments at the hands of not only DX, but Bobby Lashley, Steve Austin, Mae Young and others.  McMahon says he won’t forget about this.  Triple H says at his age he probably will forget about it, but he certainly won’t forget about this – a birthday cake is wheeled down to the ring as HBK starts singing “Happy Birthday.”  Triple H interrupts and says something’s not right.  This is Vegas.  Anybody can have a cake, but in Vegas, things are done differently.  HBK says that he’s been told that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  Triple H says that even if Mr. McMahon sends out memo not to mention his birthday, sometimes people just have to do it anyway.  HBK says that he was roped into this, but anyway, you can’t have a Vegas birthday without showgirls.  So of course, this brings out the Vegas showgirls.  Mr. McMahon asks how much longer this is going to go on.  Triple H says they also got him Cirque De Sole, and a couple of the Cirque De Soley pogo stilt guys come out.  Mr. McMahon says their masks are really gay.  Triple H makes fun of the guys bouncing around the ring, and Vince asks if they’re done.  HBK says you can’t have a birthday in Vegas without the king of Rock and Roll, Elvis.  An Elvis impersonator makes his way to the ring.  McMahon calls him the skinniest Elvis he’s ever seen.  Triple H hands him a microphone, and Elvis gives Mr. McMahon his sunglasses and leads everybody in singing Happy Birthday to the chairman.  Triple H says he thinks Mr. McMahon should look at his cake – it’s no ordinary cake, if you get what he means.  Some music starts playing, and Big Dick Johnson comes out of the cake.  Mr. McMahon tosses him out of the ring, and says he’s had enough of this birthday crap.  Triple H says there’s one more thing, and they kick out the showgirls, the Crique De Sole guys, and Elvis.  HBK says he had nothing to do with this.  Triple H says it’s a private thing so we should all close our eyes.  He says he’s got one more present for Mr. McMahon.  They position him in the ring as if something were going to drop on him, but Rhodes and DiBiase attack from behind.  DX fend them off this time, and the WWE Champion appears on the top of the ramp.  Triple H says that since Floyd Mayweather hasn’t gotten here yet, it’s going to be all three members of Legacy against DX and their partner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  Mr. McMahon says it’s no disqualification.  He says he’s always wanted to do this part – “If you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!”

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Santino is already in the ring, which means he’s probably doing the J.O.B.  His opponent tonight is The Miz… and he’s… AWESOME!

The Miz def. Santino

The Miz looks to be more focused than ever before, and more aggressive as well.  Santino starts to build some momentum, but it just takes one mistake on his part for The Miz to hit the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.

After the match, The Miz takes a microphone, and he says he’s now one step closer to defeating Kofi Kingston to become the new United States Champion, because he’s The Miz… and he’s.. AWESOME!

There’s three Divas in boxing gear walking towards the ring.  That can only mean one thing – dinnertime!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

I love it when the WWE does these “Did You Know” segments about having more viewers than Monday Night Football when it’s the pre-season, like it’s some kind of accomplishment.

This is a six-Diva cluster*(# “Mayweather Melee”

Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendez, & Alicia Fox def. Gail Kim, Mickie James, & Kelly Kelly

I’m not reviewing this crap.  In fact, I didn’t watch it.  I went and popped my dinner in the microwave and came back to Beth Phoenix’s team celebrating in the ring.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

HBK is concerned about the match later tonight.  HHH is too concerned about The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD.  HBK thought they only shilled their own merch.  HHH says that they need to get Vince motivated to fight, and he should be absolutely fuming right about now.  Backstage, Jillian is dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sings happy birthday to Mr. McMahon until he kicks her out.

Welllll – BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!

Last year, I went to WrestleMania, and I saw Floyd Mayweather knock out The Big Show with a pair of brass knucks.  Here, let’s watch it again!  Anyways, Big Show says that Mayweather is doing the right thing – he’s hiding from him.  If Show gets his hands on him, he’s going to hurt him.  He hasn’t forgotten about WrestleMania, and they have some unfinished business.  Show says he’s not leaving the ring, and nobody can make him, until Mayweather shows up.  Jericho says nobody can make him leave.  It’s 9:52, and Floyd Mayweather finally strolls into the arena.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Big Show and Chris Jericho are awaiting the arrival of Floyd “Money” Mayweather.  Lillian introduces him as the Quarter Billion Dollar Man.  Floyd makes his way out to the ring with his entourage – and with a stack of money strapped to his arm for some reason.  After milking his entrance for about 20 minutes, Mayweather gets in the ring, where he’s towered over by both The Big Show and Chris Jericho.  Mayweather reminds Show about WrestleMania, and he says he’ll do it again tonight, but he’s got a September 19th PPV bout that’s more important.  Mayweather gets in Jericho’s face.  Jericho says that he was introduced as the greatest fighter in the world, but Jericho disagrees.  He thinks he’s a great self promoter and a showboater, but he’s not that good of a boxer.  He thinks, little man, that his big comeback fight against Juan Manuel Marquez, he’s going to get knocked out.  Show says that after Marquez cleans his clock, maybe he and Jericho will step in the ring, take whats left, and wipe him from the face of the planet.

I’m Comin!

MVP makes his way to the stage, and tell Big Show and Jericho that he doesn’t appreciate them talking to Money Mayweather that way, since he’s made him a lot of money.  Jericho may look up 16 syllable words in his Oxford Dictionary every week, but Mayweather could knock him out 37 times before he can open his mouth.  Kinda like he did to The Big Show last year.  Jericho points out that Mayweather did it with the help of 18 friends.  MVP says Show could’ve done the same if he had any friends.  Jericho says Show is his friend.  MVP says the only reason Jericho’s on RAW is because he’s one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions.  MVP wishes that somebody would beat them so they could send Jericho back to SmackDown.  He asks Mayweather for a tag title shot with a partner of his choosing at Breaking Point.  Mayweather says let’s do it tonight.  He asks if MVP has a partner in mind.  MVP says he does…

Somebody’s gonna get they ass kicked…

Mark Henry joins MVP on the stage, and it looks like we’ve got a tag title match coming up NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

MVP & Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho & The Big Show

This match is apparently not for the tag titles, but instead if MVP and Henry win, they get a tag title shot at Breaking Point.  The Tag Champs keep control of this one by cutting the ring in half and using frequent tags to keep the fresh man in the ring.  Gorilla Monsoon would be so proud.  The champs are doing a great job of keeping MVP away from Mark Henry as we head to a…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

MVP is still cut off from Mark Henry when we come back.  The Unified Tag Team Champions are still dominating this match.  MVP rolls out of the way of a Lionsault, and he manages to make the tag.  Rather than tag out, Jericho goes straight at Henry.  He goes for the Codebreaker, but Henry catches him.  Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Jericho reverses it into a DDT for a two count.  Henry tags MVP back in, who takes Jericho down and hits the Ballin’ elbow for a two count.  Jericho hits the running enziguri, but Henry breaks up the pin.  He tosses The Big Show out of the ring, and Mayweather puts brass knucks on the hand of MVP, who uses them to knock out Chris Jericho for the win!

Big Show carries Jericho’s unconscious body out of the arena as Floyd Mayweather celebrates with MVP and Mark Henry.

Rhodes and the DiBiases are discussing how they have the advantage in their match tonight, since it’s no DQ.  Orton comes in and dismisses Brett DiBiase.  He tells the other members of Legacy that tonight, he’s going to take out Mr. McMahon for good.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Last week, Hornswoggle beat Chavo Guerrero with a little help from Kevin McCallister.  This week, they’re going to have a boxing match.  The referee tells Chavo he won’t need his gloves.  He goes out of the ring and grabs some big glove boxing gloves.  Chavo says he’s still gonna knock Hornswoggle out.

Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero (again)

Chavo misses with a punch and Hornswoggle gets some body blows in.  This happens a couple of times, and the third time, Hornswoggle gets a headshot, knocking Chavo down for a two or three count.  Chavo takes his gloves off and bodyslams Hornswoggle, earning the disqualification.

After the match, Chavo climbs the ropes and is looking for the Frog Splash, when Evan Bourne comes out to make the save.  He knocks Guerrero down and hits the Air Bourne before going to check on Hornswoggle.

Still to come, DX and Mr. McMahon vs. Legacy.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Mr. McMahon is warming up backstage with Floyd Mayweather when Carlito walks in and complains that he’s not on the show.  Triple H comes in and says Mayweather’s doing a great job.  Triple H then says something about getting busy with Stephanie, which prompts Mr. McMahon to knock Carlito out.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

ThinkSoJoE Note:  Every week, much like RAW itself, we bring you a special guest host for the main event of RAW – for the sheer fact that I work a night job and cannot cover it myself.  This week’s guest host is BWF’s Random Redhead, JT!

• DX comes out first, I wonder if the cheers are real or fake?
• Vince out next, crowd quiet.
• Legacy out last, they walk to the ring slowly.
• HBK is thrown out to Legacy.
• Vince starts out with Rhodes
• Then HBK, then HHH
• Rhodes is all alone, is then thrown out to his buddies.
• Commercial Break- Whopper Jr. is only $1. But the Tendercrisp is better.
• Go see Halloween 2 or Michael Myers will come visit you.
• Back
• DiBiase has HHH in a headlock, but he fights out of it and hits DiBiase with a DDT
• Tag to HBK who dominates DiBiase
• Big elbow by HBK off the top rope.
• Rhodes interferes
• Orton tags in and stomps on HBK
• Knee to the head be Orton
• Tag to Rhodes, he dominates
• HBK tries to fight out but is unsuccessful
• Tag to Orton, the beatdown on HBK continues
• Pin attempt-2
• Orton headlock on HBK
• HBK fights out
• Tag to Rhodes, but HBK tags HHH
• HHH dominates
• Spinebuster, then Pedigree
• tag to Vince
• pin attempt-2
• Orton tries to kink Vince in the head, HBK stops it
• Orton tries to run, but Cena comes out
• HBK hits Sweet Chin Music
• Cena hits the F-U
• Vince pins Orton
• Your winners DX & Vince Mcmahon
• We fade to black with Cena, DX and Vince McMahon standing tall.

Thanks, JT!

My Thoughts: I didn’t hate the opening segment.  A lot of  people that I talked to tonight did, but I’m not in that category.  I actually laughed a couple of times, which is more than I can say about most RAW segments not involving Santino Marella in the last few months.

This “guest host pisses off The Big Show” thing has got to stop.  Unless Shaq and Floyd Mayweather are going to be teaming up at whatever PPV is after Breaking Point to take on Jericho and The Big Show, I don’t see the point of it.  Also, the same goes for Chavo Guerrero jobbing to Hornswoggle.  I get it, the guest hosts are amused by Chavo’s inability to beat the little guy.  It’s getting old.

Speaking of old, happy birthday, Mr. McMahon!  BTW, Mr. McMahon, if you’re looking for writers for RAW that understand professional wrestling, I can recommend about five people…