Home ▸ Impact ▸ TNA Impact; 1/5/2014; I Am A Bored Wrestling Fan

Watching TNA on a WWE PPV week is like a broken pencil; Pointless.

The show opens with a quick clip of Bully Ray painting a table, and Eric Young saying he’s not surprised he’s still the champ. He meets MVP who basically says he’s awesome. EY says he wants to defend the title tonight, and MVP hands him a pack of cards. MVP walks off and comes back with Gunner and Anderson. He says they won and deserve a shot, and Bobby Roode comes in too saying he’s earned one. They’re going to draw cards to set up a tournament. The person who gets the highest card gets a by as the other two people have a match. Whoever wins that match fights the guy who got a by, and the winner of THAT match faces EY. It’s not that complicated. Anderson gets a 4, as does Gunner. Roode gets an Ace which is high. It’s Gunner vs Anderson with the winner facing Roode.

I’d play this

In the real world, and in the actual arena, Magnus comes out to the ring. That first segment was only five minutes. It felt longer. Magnus is pissed because he wasn’t included in MVP’s little game. He calls out MVP for some answers but Abyss comes out instead and they beat the crap out of eachother. The crowd chants for Janice and Abyss pulls it out, so of course Magnus escapes.

The announcers start running down the card for the night when Bully Ray’s music hits. Post PPV Impacts have few matches. I didn’t even want to do this today. Bully shows off his painted table. It has “Dixie” written on it. Bully recounts the match and says he’s still standing. It’ll take someone better than Dixie to end his career, and he promises if he sees her she’ll go through the Dixie Table. That was short and sweet. Dixie herself is shown entering the arena backstage in a real limo of all things.

Spud and Dixie are backstage in catering. Spud tries to hide her because of what Bully said, but Dixie says she’s not afraid of him. Dixie says Bully is all bark and he’s not going to do anything because she’s a woman and his boss. This is a guy who put Mae Young through a table. I don’t think he cares.

I’d watch this.

Mr Kennedy vs Gunner
Oh God Kennedy is a stupid babyface again. Kill me. He botches his entrance by missing the microphone. The pain is real. The Dixie Table watches from the ramp where it’s been set up as the pair have a decent match and I have a sandwich. Gunner has control of most of the match because he’s a damn viking. James Storm runs down for the distraction but accidentally hits Anderson. Gunner picks up the win. I guess Gunner and Storm is over. Hopefully. I’m not sure I like Storm vs Anderson any more though.

Magnus is backstage in the locker room when basically a British version of Gunner walks in. At first I thought it was Gunner until he started speaking. He says he’s here to knock some sense into Magnus’s head, and calls him a sorry excuse. He’s an embarrassment to the UK and he’s gone soft. Britner holds Magnus up against a locker, and says he’s here for his own good to end the segment.

And bring us to EC3. In seven days he has a match with Kurt Angle. Ethan is glad that Angle is back because he needs to beat Angle to validate himself. He says he was 288-0 at prep school as the crowd chant “Where’s your boyfriend?” Ethan calls attention to it because he needs a sparring partner for his exhibition and calsl out his boyfriend Rockstar Spud.

Canadian Bukkake. I’d definitely watch this.

Ethan Carter III vs Rockstar Spud
Spud looks adorable in his amateur wrestling gear. Ethan says they’re professionals and accidents can happen, so no one should try this at home. As far as I can tell it was a good amateur wrasslin match. Ethan tells Spud to assume the position and Spud prepares his body. Angle’s music hits to save us all. Kurt Angle says that next week Ethan won’t be facing a little bitch, he’ll be facing the cyborg. Ethan really pissed him off by beating him and mocking him. Apparently Ethan is still technically undefeated too. Angle threatens to cripple him and tells Ethan to enjoy walking for the next seven days. You too Angle.

The “Beautiful” people are backstage. They say something about beauty.

They play the Knux “Not Crazy Steve, he’s crazy!” segment from Sacrifice. Apparently they’re going to be called “The Menagerie” and they debut next week. Fun.

Gunner vs Bobby Roode
Oh God the show is only a third of the way through. I’m surprised no one tried to steal the Dixie Table. It’s still there. This match is a lot more even than the last one. Roode uses heel tactics to take advantage and Gunner plays the valiant babyface. Gunner catches Roode out of a top rope dive and starts his comeback with the X Moves of Doom. Everyone has a Moves of Doom Sequence. Gunner gets a two count with a DDT and misses a flying headbutt. Roode takes advantage and hits a Roode Bomb for the win.

Dixie is walking backstage with security. She asks them to set up the Dixie Table in the ring, and not leave her side all night. Why not ask them to, I don’t know, GET RID of the Dixie Table?

Who says white boys can’t dance?

Mangelina Love is backstage with Velvet Sky. Apparently she got a letter. Even more surprisingly, she can read. The letter wants her to not dress and act like such a slut. If they don’t then the board are going to inflict “repurcussions” upon them. Mangelina says they’re going to have the celebration anyway and put on evening gowns. They tease stripping in the ring and walk off. I didn’t realise I was on the TNA board of directors. No, wait, in Kayfabe I AM an investor. MVP was introduced in Scotland and I said it would be me, but they put MVP out there because he’s more well known.

Dixie Time! I don’t know how to feel about finding Dixie cute when she had a beard. She introduces herself as the woman who put Bully Ray through a table, and says she won’t ever forget him double crossing her, and he’ll always remember a woman put him through a table. Bully keeps threatening her and trying to intimidate her but it just won’t work. She says that he should be afraid of her. She’ll get Serge to knock him out like he did AJ Styles. Don’t worry, she didn’t say that. Anyway, Bully comes out with a chain and walks into a wall of security. Bully says everyone wants to see him put her through a table, and mocks her petty womanly ways for thinking he’d be afraid of her. Bully talks to the security and tries to convince them to abandon Dixie. Even they want to see Dixie go through a table. They just have to walk away. They do. I hope Dixie sues them.

She still has three guys in the ring though. Bully says they have to a count of five to leave. Bully only counts to one before the fans count to five for him. He jumps in the ring and gets held down by the rent-a-cops. He fights out of it and clears the ring, but Dixie stands her ground and goes to slap him. Bully catches her arm and goes to commit sexual assault when MVP comes out for the save. He tells Bully to leave her alone, and tells Dixie to get out of HIS ring before he lets Bully rape her. MVP says he’s tired of their little feud and says he’ll get blamed for it if Bully puts Dixie through a table. He has a locker room of people and doesn’t have time for this shit, and bans Dixie and Bully from the Impact Zone.

Even Nostradamus knew.

Willow vs James Storm
Storm comes out hard and fast and keeps Hardy grounded and in pain. Maybe they feel they can job out Willow because he’s technically not James Hardy. Of course that’s not it though as Willow makes his comeback. Willow Baseball Slide’s his way out of the ring and transitions it into an elbow to Storm who was flat on the ground. That was pretty neat at least. Willow has one new move. He really needed to change up his moveset. Or stay really aggressive at least. Speaking of aggression, Willow grabs a chair but misses with it when he tries to splash Storm with it. Storm grabs a beer and takes a swig before knocking the ref on his ass. He got DQ’d for that, so Willow wins. So James Storm can drink in a match but Jeff Hardy can’t turn up high? That’s bullshit. Storm smashes the beer bottle and goes to hit Willow, but Willow hits him with his umbrella. Storm backs away up the stage and runs into a Mic Check by Mr Anderson.

Bromans are backstage with MVP and they say that 3 on 2 wasn’t fair. It messed with their heads and put them off their game. MVP says that they’ll have a 3 on 3 match with The Wolves next, with them having a mystery partner. Bully Ray walks in after the Bromans walk off, and says he is to thank for MVP having his job. MVP defends his decision and basically says Bully can put Dixie through a table OUTSIDE the arena.

Eric Young is backstage, and cuts a promo about facing Roode tonight.

These are some tough beans

The Bromans vs The Wolves and Seiya Sanada
It’s a real shame I don’t care about the Bromans. I don’t even care enough to hate them. Everyone pairs up for a quick brawl and the Bromans are sent out the ring and the Japanese Wolves dive out the ring. Robbie E gets gangraped in the ring by chops and kicks after failing to do some of his own. This match was just all over the place. I give up trying to keep track of everything. Just as I announce I give up they settle into an actual 3 on 3 dynamic. Then they give up on it. The Bromans inavertantly hit Zema when trying to break up a pin. Zema gets hit by three top rope moves for the loss. Oh God each TNA show has four matches, meaning only the main event is left but there’s still 20 minutes left of the show.

The Beautiful Celebration
It’s hard to believe two women can take female wrestling back so far. Mangelina says the BP’s take orders from no one and saying they can’t do something means they’re going to do it. They tease taking “it all off” and proceed to strip in the ring. This is why I’m ashamed to admit I’m a wrestling fan. They actually only take off their gloves before Mangelina mocks the crowd and calls them disgusting. She says that they couldn’t get women like them if they went to Nevada with a fistful of fifties. Yeah, they wouldn’t charge that much. Velvet says they wrote the letter to tease the audience and it was all a work. Angelina tells the crowd to worship her and Gail Kim comes out and says they’re making a mockery of the division. Gail says that she’s going to make sure they get stripped of everything. She sends Velvet out the ring and tries to rip off Manny’s dress but Velvet pulls her out the ring. As the BP’s try to escape Madison Rayne and Brittany come out and strip them. I give up. Someone buy me a “Fuck This Company” shirt from Bookertees because that’s how I feel.

That’s bookertees.com

The Canadian Dragon Eric Young vs Bobby Roode
It’s a pretty good match. You knew it would be. EY misses a dive, sening himself out to the floor and Roode takes advantage between selling his exhaustion. EY fights back, hits the dive this time, and calls for the Pile Driver. Roode counters and they trade near falls. EY hits the Pile Driver for a two count, so EY goes for the elbow. Roode dives on the ropes to knock EY down and hits a Roode Bomb for a two count. EY fights his way out of a top rope Roode Bomb and hits the Elbow for the win.

I try to stay positive, and I was kind of depressed during this show, but the show didn’t help. The last time I was depressed Impact actually cheered me up. Not this time. It wasn’t a terrible show, but it could have been a lot better. 6/10. Oh and just before the show goes off the air Bully says that he’s going to go to Nashville because he’s banned from the Impact Zone. Bully is joining the Force!

Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!