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The Impact Review; Five years without an introduction.

The show started with Magnus backstage. He asked for Dixie and Hardy but neither of them were there yet, implying they spent a week together. He headed out to the ring and said he loves wrasslin. He also defected to America. Money talks in America but he’s not in it for the money. That’s why he’s in TNA. He asked if the same could be said for Hardy, who’s in it for the weed. He brought up Jeff leaving with Dixie and asked for an explanation, telling everyone to not let Jeff Hardy fool them.

Jeff Hardy came after that. Magnus brings up 10.10.10 in reference to Hardy turning heel at Bound For Glory three years ago. Magnus asks Hardy what his fans would think if he sold out and gets a “We don’t care” chant. I don’t know if they mean they wouldn’t care if Hardy switched heel, or they don’t care in general. Hardy tells Magnus to care about his own life and walks out the ring.

Christie Hemme was backstage with Angle, and she asks him about the match he has tonight. Angle says that he still has it. Oil that is. Or-tron approved. They are both cyborgs after all.

Jeremy Borasch was backstage with Chavo and asks for his thoughts about tonight, because it’s when the Feast or Fired results will be revealed. No one cares what he has to say, or what Zema Ion, who interrupted the segment, had to say. I couldn’t help but notice how much he looks like Gok Wan now though.

Zema Ion’s last job.

Bobby Roode vs Kurt Angle (2 out of 3 falls)
Say what you wanat about Angle’s recent storyline but this has been a heck of a build. They both have wins over eachother and it came to them saying they could beat eachother twice in one night. Bam, 2 out of 3 falls match. It’s a gimmick match that makes sense which is rare in this world of gimmick PPVs. Roode hits a sneaky low blow and something described as “We’ve seen this in recent weeks!” for the first fall. The commentators bring up 10.10.10 during this match to sell the main event. They still don’t say what it’s really about. I guess it’s because Hogan and Bischoff were the main players of the incident and they don’t want to reference them.

Anyway, Angle got the second fall to the shock of no one. I think Angle has problems. In almost all of his matches recently he’s bled from the mouth. It’s kinda creepy. Roode gets the final fall by rolling Angle up and grabbing the ropes for leverage so they aren’t done with this feud yet.

Borasch is still backstage talking about the Feast Or Fired match. Storm and Gunner are with him now and JB brings up that Gunner stepped over Storm to get his briefcase. Gunner says that Storm would have done the same thing and Storm says it could backfire on him, because he could be fired.

This is a real man. Like Gunner.

Angle is backstage and is asked what happens now. Angle said that Roode hasn’t outwrestled him, but he has outsmarted him and that’s something that’s never really happened. He’s asked if Roode really has his number and Angle says he won’t admit it. He also has to think about his next move. He was kind of teasing retirement.

Jeremy Borasch is backstage. Still. This time he’s with EC3. EC3 says that the only pink slip he has is to his legion of cars. He says that even if he gets fired then he knows the people in charge. His phone rings and it’s Dixie. His entrance theme is his ring tone by the way. Dixie says that she got lawyers to seal the briefcases so even she doesn’t know what’s in his briefcase. There’s nothing she can do if his case says he’s fired either. It’s not like she can re-hire him or anything.

EY is backstage with a badly wrapped steel chair. He dropped a mind grenade on Park and he’s going to continue the experiment. The chair is to bring Abyss back. He’s then in the ring with the chair and another wrapped present and brings Joseph Park out. He tells Park one more time that he’s Abyss. Park said he doesn’t know what to believe but his name is Joseph Park. Tonight there’s another experiment. Next week Park is going to go against Bad Influence. The best part is that it’s a Monsters Ball match. Park said he won’t do it but that’s what the second part is. The presents are a visual aid. The first present is, of course, the steel chair. The second present is a bag of tacks. The third present is some barbed wire. EY is a terrible secret santa. He wasn’t even secret.

Park says that the gifts don’t do anything for him and he still won’t do it. It’s alright though. EY has one more gift and it’s hidden under the ring. It’s Janice, Abyss’s main toy. Upon seeing the majestic nailboard Park says he’ll do the match and my pain ends.

Behold the purrito!

J.B was finally inside the conference room with the Feast or Fired guys. They’re going to reveal the briefcases. After the break! I thought about how nice it would be if Gunner got the tag team match case and they didn’t split him and Storm up. Before we can get to those results though we have to have a Jeff Hardy backstage segment. He’s with Samoa Joe, who tells him only a guilty man would look like he does. He told Hardy he can understand taking a short cut in a business like theirs, he just never imagined Hardy would be the type to do it. How long until Dixie buys Jeff’s house? Jeff tells Joe that no one is getting an explanation and walks out.

Feast vs Fired
JB introduces Dixie and EC3 helps her get in her chair. Dixie wishes the guys good luck and hands it back to JB. As well as sealing the cases, the lawyers also specified the order of the cases being opened. Ion goes first. He’s asked for any final thoughts and says there’s a 100% chance he’s going home, with gold around his waist. He gets the X-Divison title match and declares he’s keeping the briefcase. I wonder if it works like the MITB and he DOES have to cash in the briefcase. Gunner is next and he’s asked if he’ll have Storm as his partner should he get the title match. He says of course and opens the case. He has the heavyweight title match. Guess they are splitting up Storm and Gunner.

Chavo and EC3 are left. Chavo is up next and he said he’s confident he’s got the title shot. No matter what’s in the case, it won’t change the fact he’s still a Guerrero, and that I probably can’t spell Guerrero. EC3 says that he’ll never lose, and he’ll never be fired. Sting walks in and he said that he’s needed here because he got EC3 to join the match. EC3’s legacy is on the line, and saying legacy and EC3 in the same sentence makes him nauseous. As does what Dixie is doing to the company. Sting asks Chavo if he’s ever been handed anything and Chavo says his family had to work twice as hard to get ahead. Sting essentially said it sucks to compare Chavo and EC3, and that Chavo could get fired, leaving EC3 in the business. Sting can tell that Ethan is squirming and offers to take the case from him. The catch is EC3 has to face him in a match. EC3 says he’ll keep the case. He’s so getting fired. The briefcases are going to be opened at the same time. Chavo is fired. Sting consoles him and tells him it’s not the end, but it is the end of the Carters. Dixie disgusts her, and he doesn’t have any words for Ethan. I’m actually going to miss Chavo, even though he’s not been on TV for a while. Screw you guys, I’m sentimental.

Forget cases, I want to open this box!

Gail Kim and Lei’d Tapa vs ODB and Madison Rayne

Damn, Madison Rayne still has the best music in TNA. The match is mostly the heels heeling all over ODB until she can get the hot tag. Tapa throws ODB outside and goes after her, leaving it to just Kim and Rayne in the ring. Rayne reverses Eat De-Feet into a rollup for the win.

Jeff Hardy is backstage and Sting says that he owes the creatures and his family an explanation. He has to stay true to himself. He really understands what’s going on with Jeff. Sting is his dealer after all.

We get the first Impact 365 video of the night. Rockstar Spud said he was sorry for what happened last week. Dixie doesn’t care about his excuses. She has a title match coming up and doesn’t have a world title to present the winner. Spud needs to get another one made in time for the finals.

Jeff Hardy vs Magnus in a Dixieland Match
I don’t care what people say, I liked the sound of this match. Before the match Hardy grabs a mic and says that, sure, he’s made mistakes, but he can’t change that. He brings up 10.10.10, as well as the following Victory Road. Those mistakes aren’t going to be repeated. He was thinking about his future when he met Dixie. Dixie promised him a lifetime contract and the big money and he told her to stick it because no one owns him. He’s going to emulate AJ by winning the title and representing the company how it should be. Dixie came out in response to that.

If Shark Boy played Curry Man, then who played this guy?

Dixie says that the one thing he and AJ really have in common is that they owe everything to her. She supported Jeff through all his mistakes, not the fans. She tells Jeff to think about what’s best for her, and not his family. If he doesn’t then he’s going to be out of a job just like AJ. If that happens no ones going to sell his merch, CD’s, or art. He needs her a lot more than she needs him. Dixie decides to stay out and watch the match.

Magnus came out and the match started. No, seriously. I’d love for Magnus to win because he’s Magnus but they seem to be setting up Hardy to win. Part way through the match EC3 came out on to the ramp to stand with Dixie. These guys put on a pretty great match as you’d expect them to. Hardy actually tried to crawl out of the cage using the hole they put the camera through. I can’t say I’ve ever seen that before. Hardy climbed to the top of the cage and hit a Whisper in The Wind. As cool as that was, I wish he’d done a Swanton. He never hits the Whisper In The Wind and hit the mat hard. It also makes very little sense. They both climbed up to the top of the cage at the same time and EC3 tried to stop Magnus and attack him. Jeff stopped him and hit the Twist of Fate on EC3. Magnus and Hardy fight their way up the ramp, literally and figuratively. Hardy hit a Twist of Fate to Magnus on the ramp and hobbled up the ramp to the ladder. Dixie tried to stop him but Hardy just shouted at her and climbed up the ramp. Rockstar Spud came out and pushed the ladder over. Hardy landed very badly on his head. Spud set the ladder back up and cheers Magnus on. Magnus climbed up the ramp, up the ladder, and grabbed the title. Magnus is your new Heavyweight Champion.

And so begins round two of the British Invasion.

‘Nuff said.

It waws a pretty good show overall and of course I’m glad to see Magnus as the champion. I’m going to wait until next week to decide if he’s a heel or not. It was also good to see how the match really worked in the execution. Up yours to everyone who said it was a bad idea. Magnus posed with the title and The Impact Corporation to send the show off the air. Okay, maybe he’s a heel now.

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