Home ▸ Impact ▸ TNA Impact 23/01/2014

Another week another Impact. On the show we’ll be talking about the Royal Rumble too, so this isn’t that necessary. Damn.

Dixie, Spud and an attorney are backstage and Magnus shows up. Someone is setting up a hostile takeover and is buying TNA shares. I’m pretty sure TNA shares don’t exist. They aren’t a publicly traded company. Dixie calls conspiracy because a board meeting was called when she was at TV, and says the new investor is more interested in wrestling than business. Good, it’s about time some TNA management took an interest in wrestling. The investor has made Dixie put someone in Sting’s corner and Magnus makes the match no DQ and teases Sting is the investor. The attorney tells Magnus to stand down and Dixie tells him to win. Dixie sends Spud after Magnus to keep him in check I guess.

Bray and Bo a few years ago. Yep.

Magnus comes out to the ring with Ethan and Spud. I feel stupid calling him EC3, he’s Ethan now. Magnus calls out Sting for going behind his back and getting a guy in his corner and Sting comes out. Magnus asks Sting how much he paid the investor and Sting says he’s not a sellout and only knows he was allowed a guy in his corner. Magnus says all he knows is that it’s no DQ. All I know is this match was spoiled for me and I’m no longer interested in anything these guys have to say. Sting gets in Magnus’s face and says he’s lost everyone’s respect. A brawl breaks out. Samoa Joe comes out to save Sting. This time he’s totally getting a push. Just like Sting is going to Wrestlemania. Speaking of Sting, he names Joe as the guy in his corner tonight.

Spud runs into Dixie backstage and Dixie says that she needs to cripple Joe and puts him in a match with Rockstar Spud. My interest levels peaked. As Spud walks off Dixie sas “Oh please don’t get killed”.

This is Damien Sandow. This is his salvation. Have him disappear and come back clean shaven and no one will recognise him.

Storm vs Gunner for the title shot
It’s a briefcase on a pole match. They reverse eachothers moves a lot to show how well they know eachother and Storm hits a pretty awesome looking top rope head scissors. He grabs the briefcase and Gunner tears him off the top rope. He falls down and takes the briefcase with him but can’t keep a hold of it. Gunner grabs the briefcase off the ground for the win and the commentators tease this isn’t over.

Angle is backstage. He says if he can’t beat Roode he doesn’t deserve to be in the HoF.

They show an Impact 365 video with Velvet Sky. She has a package from Sabin that has a teddy bear in it, and a large phallic object that Sabin apparently wants her to throw into the ring from the cage.

I hate this angle so much.

Frail Sabin vs Austin Aries for the X-Division match
So when Aries sticks his nuts in Hemme’s face he gets fined but when he commits sexual harrassment on Velvet Sky and says he’d like to eat her out, it’s a storyline? I’m done. I don’t care about this match. They cut to break and a Royal Rumble ad airs. Seriously. The match is good but what’s behind it pisses me off. Not to mention if Velvet didn’t want to help, she would have just not taken the package Sabin gave her. Sky hands her bag to Sabin and it only has the teddy in it, no phallic object. Aries hits the brainbuster for the win. Aries is the new X-Division champ.

A pretty awesome video package of The Wolves calling Dixie stupid airs. They don’t dance, they dominate. The investor is going to be revealed next week on the UK tour. Okay, you got me, I’m the new investor.

Kurt Angle vs Bobby Roode in a Steel Cage
Kinda had some of this match spoiled for me too. Angle gets to the top of the cage and misses a hell of a moonsault. I’m pretty sure Angle shouldn’t be doing things like that. He’ll get another broken freakin neck. It looked pretty awesome and was the first thing I smiled at in the entire show. They have a pretty good match, as you knew they would. Kurt gets opened up hard way during the match but it’s a tiny cut on the top of his head. Hardly a crimson mask. Roode took off his elbow pads before delivering an elbow to the back of Angle’s head. It’s the little things folks. Roode tries to get out after Angle misses the Moonsault but Angle grabs his ankle just in time and drags him back into the cage. They do the spot again and this time Angle locks the Ankle Lock in. Roode reverses it and hits a Roode Bomb for a two count. Angle hits a top rope Angle Slam which is a move that’ll never bore me. Only a two count. This match was seriously great. Angle crotches Roode on the top rope and they did this awesome thing where they did a split screen as Angle went over the cage as Roode crawled out the door. Angle just manages to get to the floor first. Both men worked their asses off for what was a great match.

And so does Angle.

Spud is backstage with Ethan. Ethan hypes him up with his beautiful brown eyes. Ethan compares him to the American Dream and says he’s the British dream. He’s my dream. He looks like Billy Idol. Normally TNA backstage segments make me groan but this was awesome. It ends with Ethan kissing him on the top of the head after they roar like lions. Spud goes mental and slams a chair into the ground.

Bromanz are in the ring and I sigh deeply. I don’t know what they said, I fastforwarded through it all. For some reason Eric Young comes out and gets his ass kicked and then Abyss comes out. Proper Abyss too. No Park that becomes Abyss, but just Abyss. No TV title though. Yes, I remember he’s the TV champion. He beats the tar out of Bromanz and goes to chokeslam EY but releases him.

#RespectTheBeard

Joe is backstage and he’s asked about his knee. He says he’s never felt better and calls Magnus a sellout. He’s no longer suprised by anything that happens in the ring and in his genesis he’s going to spread a message using pain. The Barret Barrage, I mean Hall of Pain, I mean Path of Destruction, starts with Spud.

Angle was backstage talking about how they could lose Sting, and how it’s not enough that he only has Joe with him. There’s a match going on in the background. The cameraman tells Angle to look into the camera and say what could be his last words to sting. Angle says that Sting is loved and that he personally loves Sting. He wishes Sting the best and says “I hope you win. If you don’t, goodbye.”

Rockstar Spud vs Samoa Joe
Seriously, I love Spud. I hope Joe doesn’t actually kill him. Joe offers his back to Spud, who fails to do anything and gets killed by Joe. Not literally but close enough. Spud gets in a tiny bit of offence but Joe hits the Muscle Buster and locks in the Clutch for the win. Post match Joe says if Dixie wants to mess with the main event, she has to go through Joe. It’d be great if Dixie sends wave after wave of guys out again and Joe kills em all.

Scott Hall is pretty tall.

Sting vs Magnus in a title vs contract match
The pair have a pretty solid match, complete with Magnus mocking Sting’s woos or whatever it is Sting does. Ethan is sent out by Dixie but Joe stops him and makes him back away. Bad Influence come out with Ethan and they keep Joe distracted while Ethan attacks Sting. Joe fights off Bad Influence as Sting fights off Ethan. Joe dives out the ring onto all three of them and the match continues. At least until Zema Ion comes out to interrupt Sting getting the pinfall after a Death Drop. The rest of the Bromanz come out and take out Joe. At this point I question where the other faces are. It’s not like they’ve been killed like last time. Sting gets bukakked in the corner by the heel locker room and then Angle comes out for the save. He Angle slams everyone out the ring and Sting hits a Superplex to keep the actual match going. Sting accidentally splashes the ref and locks in the Scorpion Death Lock. Magnus taps but of course there’s no ref. Roode takes out Sting and walks out again. Magnus hits his finisher and Dixie drags Hebner out of the back to count Sting. Magnus gets the victory and Dixie helps him to his feet. She hands him Sting’s contract and, as Magnus proised, he tears it up. Sting is done in TNA. Until he gets signed by the investor next week. We all want Sting in WWE to face Taker but it’s not happening this year.

Speaking of Shawn Michaels and superkicks…

It was a two match show really. I want to say it wasn’t bad but that would be a half truth. The first half was bad and then it picked up. Angle vs Roode was just amazing. Easily a six out of ten. I’m kinda looking forward to next week to see this investor. Seriously though, pick up your game TNA.

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