Home ▸ Impact ▸ TNA Impact 24/04/2014; Clever Titles All Round

There’s a TNA PPV this week. How about that?

Angle is flexing backstage exercising. He threatens to kill EC3 if Spud gets out of his match tonight.

Magnus makes his way down to the ring with what Tazz identified as a turnbuckle. All I know is it looked sharp. I’m going to miss him introducing himself as the champion. Magnus doesn’t see what happened as losing, but rather being let down. Abyss let him down and he wants Abyss to come out so he can trash him. Abyss obliges and Magnus berates the heck out of him. Everyone abandoned Abyss and it’s because he’s a failure. He had one job, to make sure Magnus kept the title, and he failed. Abyss counters by saying MVP said he’d be fired if he interfered. Abyss didn’t work for MVP though, so it seems MVP couldn’t fire him. Magnus can though, and he does.

He doesn’t do as good a job as the lover of cock though. #CockTalk

Abyss says it was never about the money. He just wanted to belong. Magnus was supposed to be his friend! Abyss is a monster and now he’s going to turn himself loose on Magnus. Magnus says he can’t because he’s not contracted anymore, and he’ll sue Abyss. To no surprise at all MVP comes out. He tells Magnus to put the weapon down and says people deserve second chances. He offers Abyss a job and says he can have it if he beats Magnus tonight. MVP skips his way to the back. Seriously. Abyss says he never liked Magnus anyway and says he’ll kick his ass.

Spud is backstage preparing. Ethan appears and says he’s not going to give Spud a speech, he’s going to tell him the truth. Angle is alive and dangerous and there’s only one person who can beat him; Ethan Carter. Spud is Operation Human Shield and tonight Ethan needs him to be a gazelle. Ethan preps Spud’s tie and sends him on his way.

Kurt Angle vs Rockstar Spud
Seriously? This isn’t going to be worth my attention. Ethan interferes but Spud still loses to an Ankle Lock. Post match Ethan attacks Kurt, focusing on the injured knee. Willow runs out for the save.

Dean IS the master of the titty.

The Beautiful People are backstage. I tune out. I wish. They say they’re going to give Rayne a makeover.

MVP is also backstage. He founds Kenny King in his office. MVP sets up a match for Kenny King and doesn’t say who his opponent is.

Madison Rayne heads out to the ring. This is going to be painful. She calls the Beautiful People out so they can “Have at it”. I reserve the right to not pay attention. Tazz implies he’s about to watch lesbian porn. Angelina says that Rayne should forgive them. Rayne says she does, and she’s sorry for what she’s about to do. She attacks the Beautiful People and gets double teamed for her troubles. Brittany comes out to save the day and…gets thrown out the ring. Oh the effectiveness. Angelina puts a bag on Madison’s head that has Angelina’s head on it. It was better when Cody Rhodes did it. Damn I miss Dashing Cody Rhodes.

Mr Anderson is wandering around. He has Samuel Shaw’s childhood address. The segment ends with him getting in his car.

Gail Kim was in the female locker room. She says she’s not going to let the Beautiful People ruin her division, because they’re taking it in the wrong direction. She respects Madison Rayne and wants her to be her partner tonight. There was a quick cut that said “Someone messed up a line” but Rayne agreed to be her partner. Brittany says she’ll be there too but Madison tells her to fuck off.

Dwayne “The Brock” Johnson

Kenny King vs Bobby Lashley
Does this count as black on black crime? Lashley dominates because X-Division wrestlers can’t hang with the big boys. Lashley looked good but why would you destroy your number one contender? Kenny gets some offense in but gets caught in midair and dropped with a vertical suplex. After that King left the ring and lost via countout.

Another Kenny found his way to Samuel’s parents house. The woman he meets is called Christie. Basically Sam has mother issues. She has the same speaking style as Shaw too.

James Storm and Bobby Roode are backstage, reminiscing about kicking eachothers asses. James Storm never forgets even when he’s shitfaced. His words not mine. Storm says they should team together because they’re unstoppable together. They have enough respect for eachother to beat the crap out of everyone and eachother, and Gunner never respected him. It was funny to make his dad cry though.

Austin Aries vs MVP
Mike Tenay and Tazz argue over MVP getting involved physically as Aries and MVP have a good match. MVP hits a clothesline so hard Aries does a flip. He should have done a barrel roll. It would have negated the damage. Both men hit their signatures but no finishers. Aries misses a 450 and takes the loss.

WWE Magazine predicts Wrestlemania 31 and messes up.

Another awesome package on Sanada. Whoever makes these needs to make ALL the packages. If they are, then they need to learn how to do things right.

Kenny is still with Shaw’s mum. He claims he’s doing an exposé on talented people. Shaw’s mum is making pie and she makes him one every day. Shaw lives in his mum’s basement. Mamma Shaw asks Kenny if he wants to see Shaw’s bedroom, and he just has to say yes. I was expecting a joke about Kenny eating Shaw’s mum’s pie.

Beer Money vs Gunner Ray
For the most part the two matches of Gunner and Storm and Bully and Roode are kept separate. Beer Money employ their heelish ways and wear down Bully Ray and me. Storm even gnaws on Bully’s head. Gunner remembers he’s supposed to be calling for a hot tag and finally gets around to it. Gunner comes in and takes out both guys. Bully also gets in the ring and they hit the Wassup Spot. I’d be pissed off if I was Devon. Bully calls for Gunner to get a table and Bully tries to elbow Roode through it. Roode dodges and Bully goes through the table. Back in the ring Gunner hits his finisher but takes a Super Kick for the loss. Beer money wins.

Wrestling like a sir

Magnus is backstage. He says Abyss didn’t fulfill his obligation, so now Magnus will fulfill his obligation to himself. He’s going to end Abyss’s career, because Magnus’s time is here. His time is now. You can’t see him.

Kenny is still in the Shaw home. He walks down the stairs to Sam’s room and Momma Shaw waves goodbye to him and shuts the door. Three guesses where this is heading. Anderson turns on the light in Shaw’s room, and says “Oh my God” but we’re not shown what he sees. Instead they cut to break. When we get back, we are shown Shaw’s room. Basically he has the room of a five year old. Shaw walks in and beats the shit out of Anderson and the cameraman runs for his life. Momma Shaw asks him what’s happening and Shaw comes out of his room with a bloody lip. He hugs his momma and the cameraman just keeps on running, leaving Anderson to die.

I really didn’t think I’d get to use this properly…

The Beautiful People vs Gayne
Kim and Rayne did pretty well as a team. The crowd was just dead for this one. I couldn’t tell if they were fapping or bored. Angelina rolls up Madison Rayne for the win.

There’s another one of them there video packages on Mike Knox. There’s a girl who spins fire or some shit. Knox says he’s proud of her, and she’s proud of him, but he can’t stay around. He has to go back to Impact and wrestle again. The girl says that she’s going to go with him. Apparently they’re lovers. God that’s disturbing.

Abyss is backstage. He basically says what he already said to Magnus and admits he made a mistake when he hurt the people who cared about him. Tonight he’s going to massacre Magnus.

The Wolves have a video package and apparently they have a Wolves Nation too. I wonder if they’ll go to war with the Cenation.

The Man They Call String

Magnus vs Abyss for Abyss’s Job
EY comes out to sit on commentary. This was a damn short match. Unless they had a long commercial break. EY denies that he’s someone Abyss cares about. EY still cares about him, but he made a mistake and now he’s paying the price. EY was pretty good on commentary in my opinion. Outside of not focusing on the match at all. Magnus hits a low blow and gets disqualified. Technically Abyss won so he would have his roster spot back. Post match Magnus cripples Abyss with a chair. The crowd call for EY to save Abyss but he takes his sweet time to do it. Plus he just gets low blowed and chaired too. Magnus just keeps beating them to take us off the air.

THAT’S how you do a heel beatdown. You make it short and painful, and not 20 damn minutes long. The show wasn’t too bad at all. 7/10.

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