Home ▸ Impact ▸ TNA Impact 29/05/14; Here There Be Things

After this I’ll be watching NXT Takeover. Wonder which I’ll prefer.

The show starts with Bully Ray. He says he’s more motivated than ever and as long as he’s breathing, he’s fighting. He’s obsessed with six people and he promises to put them all through tables. He has six tables, each with a name on for who’s going through it. There’s one each for MVP’s crew, Dixie, Spud, and EC3. Bully hobbles to the ring and calls out anyone in the Crew or locker room to fight him. MVP comes out and says he doesn’t respond to threats and that no one is going through a table. MVP brings out the Crew and they advance towards Bully, who’s taken out from behind by EC3 and Spud. He’s then dominated by three big black men. And a vanilla midget. Spud calls for EC3 to grab a table as Tenay teases MVP and Dixie could be working together. EC3 grabs the Spud table and takes it down to the ring. EC3 goes to put Bully through the table but Eric Young runs out with the Wolves and Austin Aries. They clear the ring except for Spud who hides under the table. Aries grabs a mic and says they’re obsessed too and calls for a three on three. Bully dares them to take the match and Bully Bombs Spud through the table from the top rope. EC3 cries from the ramp.

Clean Shaven Hogan. Now you know why it didn’t last.

Race War Match (Crew vs The Wolves and Aries)
They cut to break and come back to a six man brawl. No idea what Bully Ray is doing. Lashley dominates Aries in the ring while the Wolves Wailord on the rest of the Crew outside. Basically everyone just picks a partner, until all the Crew are sent outside by the exact same move; some douche pulling down the top rope. The Whitey’s all dive out and they cut to break.

Coming back it’s an actual six man match now. Three people in each corner. Edwards gets isolated and torn to shreds. Aries gets the hot tag and does a decent job dishing out and taking punishment. He hits the Brainbuster and tags in Richards to get revenge for his injured ribs. He hits a double foot stomp from the top rope and eats a Spear from Lashley. MVP finishes him off with a Mafia Kick for the win.

I wonder if our guest Gary Barnidge remembers THIS crushing defeat.

Bram and Magnus are backstage. Bram has a match and he wants Magnus to see and feel the violence. EC3 is also backstage and he wants the D…ixie Carter. He informs her of what happened in the opening segment. Dixie says she has important business with MVP and wants Ethan with her and they walk off.

Tigre Uno vs Bram
This is probably the fastest match transition in TNA history. Tigre Uno dies, and I wrote that during Bram’s entrance. I’ll admit I FFW. Bram dominates with hard hitting moves and wins with a powerful DDT. Post match he grabs a turnbuckle from under the ring and goes to impale Tigre. Magnus stops him and basically calls him a pussy. Bram says the old Magnus would have ripped Tigre’s mask off, and Magnus teases challenging him to a match, but tells Bram to face Willow in the end.

Anderson and Gunner are backstage. Anderson calls Gunner insane for dealing with an insane man. Gunner defends himself by saying they both served in the army and they know what it’s like. Anderson says Shaw didn’t serve, he’s just a nutjob. In any event, they’re teaming tonight.

Remember that other live sex celebration?

Speaking of teaming; Rayne and Brittany are backstage. Brittany has a tag match against the Beautiful People and asks Rayne to be her partner. Rayne tells her she’s not ready and shouldn’t take the match. She makes Brittany promise she won’t take the match.

Bromans vs Gunner and Mr Kennedy
Bromans got the jobber entrance. They’re the ones who take control at the start of the match though and isolate Gunner. Tenay mentions what Anderson did last week. Fuck. This is leading to Gunner and Anderson against Storm and Shaw. To make it worse Dixie has a segment after this match. Gunner eventually roids up and tags in Anderson, who cleans house. Gunner gets a blind tag and hits a Diving Headbutt for a win after a Mic Check. Post match the Menagerie comes out. The Bromans look absolutely horrified. I LOVE their facials. COCK TALK 2PM EST on Sundays. The Freak kills Zema Ion for taking his job and the Bromans scurry away.

I love facials

Brittany is running around backstage still. She asks Gail to be her partner instead. Bitch broke her promise to Madison. Gail accepts and Brittany has a new girl crush.

Dixie Carter vs MVP
Dixie wants to finish the conversation she and MVP started last week. MVP comes out with the whole crew. Dixie says MVP might need her, but MVP disagrees. Dixie says she could go to Nashville, or she could go to the directors and get him fired. MVP says she’s sexy when she threatens him. MVP also says he has a lot of money. I’m not sure why. I spaced out. MVP says if she wants to play chicken the games can begin, and Eric Young comes out with Bully Ray. EY has a pipe and MVP dares him to bash his head in with it. He says EY has heart, but not enough. When MVP beats him for the title he’ll dismiss him so he can do something he’s good at. EY tries to charge the ring, but Bully stops him. MVP tells Bully a true badass doesn’t tell people he’s a badass, and calls Bully just another New Yorker with a big mouth. MVP arranges a match between Bully and EY, with EC3 as the ref. That’s going to end badly for EC3. Bully says he won’t do it and MVP can fire him if he wants. Dixie calls him an overpaid quitter. She says if Bully leaves then no one will be left to stop her. New Yorkers don’t quit. Bully says he won’t quit until all the fans have what they want to see. A Dudley Boyz reunion in WWE. Bully calls Dixie a wench and says the fans would be happy if she went home and stayed there. He threatens to put them all through a table again as he and EY walk out to the back.

There’s a Kurt Angle recovery diary. He’s recovering slowly, but surely, and thanks the fans for their support.

CM Punk disapproves of your shenanigans.

Beatiful People vs Bri-Kim
FFW! Brittany tags herself in and fucks up. Mangelina Love kicks her head off and Velvet gets the pin. Gail is displeased. She lets Brittany live. This time.

Eric Young and Bully Ray meet up backstage and agree to have a good match. Apparently if Bully wins he’s the number one contender.

Brittany is still in the ring. She calls out Madison for a chat over tea and biscuits. Madison obliges and Brittany asks her why she rejected her. Poor girl. Rayne says Brittany is getting a little too weird. She’s had problems with the BP for years. She wants to take care of the business with them herself and doesn’t want to be responsible for what might happen to Brittany. Brittany says she’ll take full responsibility. She just wants to be with Rayne. HLA is back! Rayne asks her to clarify what she meant and it gets really, really gay. Rayne says she went too far, and to stay away. Brittany asks Madison why she doesn’t like her. She just wants Rayne to accept her. Accept her love deep inside her. Mangelina and Velvet appear on the ramp. They say Rayne just broke a young girl’s heart, and this is a side of Rayne no one else knows. They made her like that. The crowd chant boring now the lesbian stuff is over. Madison says she’s cashing in her rematch next week.

The one and only time I can and will use this.

EC3 is getting dressed backstage. The Crew walk in. I’ve seen enough videos online to know where THIS is going. MVP says he and EC3 can still work together, and Kenny King says they have his back.

Eric Young vs Bully Ray (EC3 as the Special Referee)
Kenny King comes out and does the introductions himself. I think I heard the crowd chant “We want Brittany”. Stay classy Impact Zone. Speaking of classy, King introduces Bully as being from “Hell’s Toilet” and Eric Young as “The current, and don’t have a lot of time left on that championship belt. The Bearded Wonder, Eric Young.” He’s chased off by The Beard and The Bully as EC3 comes out. Can they team up? Can they actually call themselves Bully and The Beard? Lashley is announced as the special guest enforcer. It’s RAW all over again. MVP is the guest timekeeper. By the time the match actually starts I give no fucks.

The Crew tease Bully and the Beard from outside. Now it’s become Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar. They eventually tie up and do some low impact moves. I hear glass shatter as Stone Cold’s music hits. He jumped through my bedroom window and pressed fast forward for me. EY drop kicks Bully out the ring, and goes out to pick him up. More shit happens, someone sometimes hits a move, and eventually Bully Ray kicks Ethan’s head off. That’s when it all goes out the window and the Crew launch a three man assault on EY and Bully. Samoa Joe of all people runs down for the save and takes out the entire Crew. I love the spot where he just walks away from someone doing a top rope dive. Joe hits the Muscle Buster on Kenny King and stares down MVP to end the show. In the preview of next week’s show MVP teases firing someone. Ooooooh.

No one fires The Boulder; Rock’s true love.

Pretty good show I’d say. The main event was slow but it had to be, and I just had no patience for that.

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