Home ▸ Impact ▸ TNA iMPACT results 4/5/10

Tonight is TNA’s first real chance to show their stuff to a Monday night audience – and their last couple of shows weren’t that bad.  Mr. Anderson takes on Kurt Angle in a ladder match tonight, and the ongowing drama between Hogan and Bischoff should continue.  Let’s go!

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Video: Abyss selects Jarrett for Team Hogan at Lockdown

To The Back! Christie explains the rules to the Knockouts Lockbox match.  I missed half of the explanation, so I guess we’ll figure it out as we go along.

We get the intro video, we get some pyro, and we get Taz and Tenay telling us what’s going on tonight.

Hulk Hogan comes out with his team for Lethal Lockdown thusfar, Jeff Jarrett and Abyss.

Hogan says that Flair has shown his true colors.  He and Abyss ramble on and slobber all over the camera.  I actually have completely lost interest in whatever it is they’re saying.  Pretty much that they’re going to beat up Team Flair at Lockdown.

Speaking of Team Flair, Chelsea wheels Flair out to the stage.  Desmond Wolfe, Sting, and Beer Money, Inc. join them.  Flair says his team is better then puts over each member of his team in a rambling fashion.  Flair says that he is the Hall of Fame and he’ll shove his ring down Abyss’s throat.  Hogan tells him to shut up.  Hogan feels the power of Team Hogan.  They’ve got a full team, and they’ll find out who the rest of them are when the time is right.  Flair says it’s a popularity contest and everybody wants to side with The Nature Boy.  Team Flair start heading down the ramp, when Jarrett says he’s got this.  He asks Sting to step into the ring without his bat and answer one question.  Sting hands the bat to Wolfe, and gets in the ring.  Jarrett says they’ve got a storied history, and he’s got one question – “why now?  Why now has the dark side come out of you?”  Jarrett says he might not deserve an answer, but the fans do.  Sting doesn’t answer, so Jarrett slaps him.  Sting responds with a Scorpion Death Drop.  As Hogan and Abyss go after Sting, Flair sends the troops in after Abyss.  Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam make the save – they must be the other two members of Team Hogan.

When we come back, it’s RVD vs. Cowboy James Storm!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

@AndrewJanus Abyss spitting = ratings. #TNA #IMPACT #BWFTNA

Rob Van Dam def. James Storm

Sooooooo….. this match was made without anybody besides Team Hogan knowing that RVD was going to be on the Lockdown team?  Seems pretty random.  This one started during the break.  Storm rams RVD face first into the guardrail on the outside, then catches him coming in with the Randy Orton style elevated DDT.  Mike Tenay begs me to call or text my friends to tell them iMPACT is on early.  Screw you, Mike Tenay,  screw you.  RVD eventually turns the tide, then I get interrupted again, and Storm is in control for a moment – but then RVD nails the Split-Legged Moonsault for the victory.

After the match, Storm smashes a beer bottle over the head of RVD.  Storm tries to do more damage, but TNA Security keep him away.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

@BrotherMeter Hulk Hogan said #brother 5 times in the 1st Quarter Hour of #TNA Impact. http://tinyurl.com/BrotherMeterT

Van Dam is bleeding all over some towels as Storm mocks him from the ramp (BEER MO NEY in the RVD taunt style).  Hardy attacks Storm from behind then checks on RVD – but Hardy catches a spinebuster from Robert Roode.

Christy is standing by with Tara, Hamada, Angelina Love, and the returning ODB.  Tara is pissed off about this upcoming Lockbox match.  Angelina says she’s going to win the title.  Tara says she’ll steal it if she does.  ODB says she’s going to win a contract and face AJ Styles.  Hamada has no idea what’s going on.

We’re going 5150 for this Global Championship match – Homicide is in action!  His opponent is his former World Elite partner, Global Champion Rob Terry.

“The Freak” Rob Terry def. Homicide to retain the TNA Global Championship

Wow.  I was expecting this one to be over before I finished typing the match.  Homicide lasted a little longer than that though.  Terry dominates, completely overpowering Homicide.  A powerslam later and it’s over.

After the match, Homicide hits Terry in the back with a chair.  He bends the chair over the head of Terry, busting him open, but not knocking him down.  Terry takes down Homicide when…

Simply the greatest…

Orlando Jordan does some weird stuff, apparently trying to show that he’s “The Freak” around here.

Up next, it’s the Knockouts Lockbox Challenge or whatever it is.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

So… this is an elimination match, I guess.  The teams are Tara, ODB, Angelina Love, and Hamada against The Beautiful People and Daffney.  Apparently on the line are a Knockouts title match, Poison the spider, a match against anybody anytime, and being forced to do a striptease.  Oh boy.

Tara, Daffney, Velvet Sky, and Angelina Love win a Knockouts Lockbox Challenge

So, I guess how this works is that when a knockout is pinned or made to submit, both she and the knockout that pinned her are eliminated, but the one that made the pinfall gets a key to one of the lockboxes.  Tara eliminates Madison Rayne to win the first key.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Velvet Sky and ODB are in the ring when we come back, and there was another elimination during the break – Daffney eliminated Hamada.  Taz suggests a Dave Penzer on a pole match and asks Tenay if they ever did a person on a pole match in WCW.  Tenay replies “once or twice.”  Up next is the Ladder Match between Angle and Anderson according to an on screen graphic.  Sky pins ODB in the meantime, and wins the third key.  Angelina avoids Lacey’s moonsault elbow thing, then nails the Lights Out to win the final key.

The lockboxes are shown, and we’ll see them opened later on tonight.  But up next, it’s Kurt Angle and Mr. Anderson, who are fighting over a key of their own.

Mr. Anderson makes his way out first, followed by the Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

During the break they showed these two wrestling – but the bell rang when we came back.  Odd.

Mr. Anderson def. Kurt Angle in a Ladder Match

The key is attached to a big stick that says “CAGE KEY” on it.  Angle gets suplexed onto the ladder, and pieces come flying off of it.  Angle turns the tide and sets up the ladder.  Angle tries to run under the ladder to bounce off the ropes and nail Anderson, but Anderson shoves the ladder into his face on his way back.  Anderson goes for the key, but Angle hits him with an Angle Slam off of the ladder.  Angle gets up to grab the key, but Anderson shoves the ladder – sending Angle straight to the floor after he got his leg tangled up in the ropes.  Angle might be hurt here.  Anderson gets up the ladder, but Angle climbs up to the top rope and dropkicks the ladder, sending Anderson flying!  Angle lies Anderson across a ladder, then nails a moonsault.  Angle throws Anderson shoulder first into the steel post, then goes for the ladder.  Anderson grabs Kurt’s Warrior Medal, then starts choking Angle out with it.  Angle powers his way up the ladder, dragging Anderson up the ladder behind him.  Kurt grabs the key, but he fades away.  Anderson scrambles up the ladder and takes down the key.

After the match, Anderson gets his microphone, and says he’s got a bottle of bubbly waiting backstage for him, not to celebrate his victory tonight, but to celebrate his victory at Lockdown, because that’s what he just secured by taking the key.  And the only person he’ll be partying with tonight is MISTERRRRR ANDERSON!  ANDERSON!

To The Back! JB asks Hulk Hogan about Eric Bischoff’s actions last week.  Hogan says that what happens with Bischoff and Hogan stays between them.  Bubba The Love Sponge comes in.  Hogan wonders why he’s running with The Band.  Bubba says he’s finally hanging with some guys who are cool to him.  Hogan says he’s running with the wrong crowd.  Bubba says he wasn’t having fun with Hogan.  Hogan says to have fun.

Jay Lethal comes in and says that the whole thing with Liz wasn’t Hogan’s fault, so he’s going to go find his tights with “Mega Powers” on the back.  Hogan says sarcastically for him to find his too.

The Band enter the building.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

@Hulk Hogan said #brother 4 times in the 5th Quarter Hour of #TNA Impact. 9 total so far. http://tinyurl.com/BrotherMeterT

To The Back! Christy Hemme is backstage with Matt Morgan, who claims that he is the TNA Tag Team Champions.  Just him.  Apparently he thinks he’s two people.  Christy tells him that next week, “both of you” will have to defend the titles against the winners of this next match.

On a recent edition of TNA Xplosion, Team 3D and The Motor City Machine Guns pinned each other.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D

It’s always a great time when The Guns and Team 3D are in the ring.  It’s also hard to keep up with when Sabin and Shelley get going.  It’s also hard to review a match when the show freezes…  um… uh…

When my screen finally unfreezes, The Band are beating up Team 3D.  I have no idea what happened.  Apparently the referee has thrown the match out.  They beat up both teams, and spraypaint one of the Machine Guns – but I wasn’t really paying attention to which one.  Upon further review, it was Alex Shelley.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Kevin Nash says that The Band is running the show.  Or something.  I was half paying attention.

To The Back! JB is with The Pope, D’Angelo Dinero.  Pope says he’ll make history when he wins the World Championship at Lockdown.  Tonight will be a different story than last week – tonight he’ll make sure that Pope…  Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea come in.  Wolfe says he doesn’t even know why they’re wrestling tonight.  It should be him against Styles at Lockdown.  Pope says there’s no excuses.  If Wolfe can beat him tonight, he’ll give him his title shot.  He’ll pray for Wolfe before the match starts.

Tara is worried about what could be in her lock box.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The TNA X-Division Champion, Doug Williams is in the iMPACT Zone.  He says that he’d like a moment of our time.  While he stands in the ring as the X-Division Champion, the days of the jumped up acrobats are over.  Those clowns need to go back to the circus where they belong, with all the other performing monkeys.  There is an alternative – they could pack up their ideas, go back to wrestling school, and learn one of the finer things in life, the art form of technical wrestling, of which Williams considers himself the master.  He’d now like to be addressed by his full name, Douglas Williams, The Finest Thing In Life.  Speaking of fine things, he’s arranged a gauntlet match with Generation Me.  Bring them out so we can get a lesson in wrestling.

Douglas Williams def. Generation Me in a gauntlet match.

Jeremy Buck faces Williams first, and doesn’t last long.  Williams nails the Chaos Theory for the pin.  Max doesn’t fare much better, finding himself in a guillotine choke and tapping out.

After the match, Williams doesn’t let up on the hold, at least not until Shannon Moore makes the save.  Moore tries to put makeup on Williams, who escapes.  Moore says the book of Dilligaf says that there’s no room in the X-Division for boring wrestlers like Williams, then challenges the Champion to a match at Lockdown.

Angelina Love looks thrilled about the prospect of opening her lockbox.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

To The Back! Christy wants to know Team 3D’s thoughts.  Brother Ray says there was no reason for the attack by The Band.  Next week, their paths will cross for the very first time when the Wolfpac takes on Team 3D.  Devon says that The Band have been a cancer in every company they’ve been in, and next week Team 3D are going to kick their asses.

Desmond Wolfe is already in the ring.  That’s right, he didn’t get an entrance.  Hell, his music started after Team 3D’s promo.  Pope gets an entrance, but before he can make it rain, Wolfe comes out after him.

The Pope D’Angelo Dinero def. Desmond Wolfe

Wolfe tries for the Tower of London early, but Pope escapes.  Pope takes Wolfe down with a right hand – which took less than 1.9 seconds, Michael Tarver.  Pope nails a codebreaker style move and pins Wolfe.

Pope gets out onto the ramp, with his back turned to the entrance.  Bad idea – AJ Styles attacks from behind.  Back in the ring, Styles drops Dinero with the Styles Clash.  As Styles is trash talking Pope, Abyss rushes the ring.  Wolfe tries to attack Abyss from behind, but to no avail.  Styles chop blocks Abyss then gets a shot in on Dinero.  Wolfe nails Abyss with a fire extinguisher.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Taz and Tenay recall the destruction of Team Hogan by Team Flair tonight with less than two weeks to go before Lockdown.  Speaking of locks…

JB is on the stage with the Knockouts, and we’re going to find out who won what earlier on tonight.

Velvet Sky’s lock box contains: An open contract to face any opponent, any time, with any stipulation.

Tara’s lock box contains: Her tarantula, Poison.

Angelina Love’s lock box contains: The TNA Knockouts Championship

Daffney’s lock box contains: An order to perform a striptease.  If she doesn’t she’ll be fired on the spot.

Daffney reluctantly heads down to the ring.  How the hell do you review a striptease?  She takes off her hat and her collar first.  She starts to take her straps down.  Lacey Von Erich hits the ring and takes Daffney out with the Ugly Stick, then strips.

Meanwhile, a fight breaks out between the TNA Knockouts Champion, Angelina Love, and the former Champion, Tara.  Lacey keeps stripping while this is going on.  Velvet Sky says that the rules of The Beautiful People are that no Beautiful Person should upstage the other, so next week, she’ll be facing Angelina Love in a Leather and Lace match.

My Thoughts: Well, I guess it was an ok show.  It wasn’t too bad.  It wasn’t as good as last week’s.  It wasn’t terrible either.  I liked the concept of the Knockouts Lock Box match.  The dynamic with Tara either losing her spider or her title definitely added mystique to it.  I’m off to watch the rest of RAW – goodnight!

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