Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ Turkey Day “iMPACT” Impressions, 11/26/09

Provided that any of you can still move after your Thanksgiving Day bounty, find the nearest line and cross it! Just don’t step on me.

All I know for certain is that TNA has decided to get rid of the abysmally awful “Turkey Bowl” series. Thank every form of divinity ever devised by the minds of men! It’s about time!

We open with a video package of all the changes in TNA, the joining of Hulk Hogan, and the making of choices.

“Is Mick the Turkey?”

What kind of title is that???

The festive, holiday atmosphere accompanies the TNA Wrestling Championship Series. Eight men fight to earn a title shot in whatever division they primarily compete in.

Match #1: Bobby Lashley (w/ Krystal) vs. Abyss: Bobby Lashley is an impressive physical specimen, but nothing more. Abyss still looks like a homeless man. Abyss’s neck and windpipe has been damaged by the hanging he suffered at the hands of Raven and Dr. Stevie. Abyss and Lashley both bring the power game. Kicks in the corner, clotheslines, and flat out pounding on the opponent are the order of the night. Abyss chokes Lashley in the ropes, but breaks it when told. Abyss actually dominates Lashley for the first part of the match. Abyss gets Lashley in a huge bear hug. Krystal looks concerned at ringside. Lashley starts to fight out. Jeebus, get that screeching girl away from the microphone! Lashley starts to take the upper hand, and plants Abyss with a spinebuster. Lashley clotheslines Abyss over the top, and they fight on the floor. Krystal gets involved, and Abyss inadvertantly hits her with his elbow. Krystal acts like her ankle is broken, and Abyss freaks out. Lashley traps Abyss in a Dragon Sleeper, and Abyss taps, due largely to his neck injuries. Krystal leaps up immediately, clearly having faked her injury, and celebrates with her husband.

Winner by submission: Bobby Lashley

To the back! Mick Foley and JB are in the office. JB tries to convince Foley that Hulk Hogan coming to TNA is a good thing. Foley is having none of it. He is angry that the rest of the world knew what was going on before The Executive Shareholder. Foley is going to talk to Kurt Angle. JB says that Foley is obsessed.

Match #2: Suicide vs. Desmond Wolfe: Have I mentioned how much I absolutely LOVE Desmond Wolfe’s entrance music? I wants it. The screams when Wolfe takes off his ring jacket are huge! Oh, forget calling this. Wolfe is just too amazingly good. Wolfe targets the left arm of Suicide. Wolfe dominates Suicide, but Suicide kicks out. Major focus on submission holds from Wolfe. A shoulder block takes down Suicide. Wolfe continues to target the arm. Suicide finally makes a comeback, and employs the fast-paced X-Division style. Wolfe kicks out at two, however. Wolfe sets up Suicide for the Tower of London, but Suicide squirms out at the last second. A second Tower of London works, and Wolfe gets the pin.

Winner: Desmond Wolfe (Wolfe will face Lashley in the next round.)

Match #3: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Kurt Angle: The Pope has my most favorite entrance in wrestling today. If you don’t love it, and think it’s just the most fun ever, you have no soul. If this isn’t a squash, this could be great. The Pope is all flashy athleticism, while Angle counters with suplexes and trying to simply out-wrestle his opponent. Angle controls the pace by slowing The Pope down. Angle hits two German suplexes on Pope, but Pope makes a standing switch and hits Angle with two German suplexes. Awesome! Angle kicks out at two, though. Pope goes for the DDE, but Angle counters and hits him with the Angle Slam. Angle gets the pin. Post-match, Angle shakes Pope’s hand and hugs him.

Winner: Kurt Angle

In the back, Homicide demands pyro tonight. The tech says that it isn’t his call to make. Homicide takes issue with this. As intimidating as Homicide is, I’d rather have him mad at me than the guys who get paid to blow stuff up.

To the back! Mick Foley approaches Kurt Angle. Foley questions Angle about Hogan coming in, and why Hogan would do that. Angle is all on board, and Foley is not.

Match #4: Homicide vs. Robert Roode: Homicide does not get his pyro. He is angry. I am sad. Roode is pointed out as the only person in the tournament fighting for a tag team title shot. Homicide attacks Roode from behind, and beats the ever-loving hell out of him. They fight on the floor outside of the ring, and Homicide dominates. Homicide throws Roode back into the ring. This is intensely good. Homicide continues to dominate Roode, and focuses on the traps of Roode. Loud chants of “No me gusta!” Funny. That’s “I don’t like it.” Roughly. Homicide attempts the Gringo Killer, but Roode is too big. Roode plants Homicide with a stiff high-angle spinebuster, and gets the pin.

Winner: Robert Roode

It’s Lashley vs. Wolfe and Angle vs. Roode.

Homicide goes berserk on an assistant producer named Stevie. He throws chairs, and essentially loses all control.

To the back! JB interviews Angle about a match against Robert Roode. Angle talks up Roode, but has his eye on the prize of a World title shot against AJ. Part of Angle hopes that Wolfe beats Lashley, so Angle can beat Wolfe to earn a title shot.

Match #5: Knockouts Battle Royale: Sarita, Taylor Wilde, Traci Brooks, Daffney, Hamada, Madison Rayne, Velvet Sky, Lacey Von Erich, Alissa Flash, & Tara (w/ special referee ODB): The winner gets a title shot at ODB at “Final Resolution.” This is an elimination battle royale. If you go over the top rope or through the ropes, and touch the floor, you’re out. NO!!! Daffney is the first elimination, seconds into the match. Traci and Alissa Flash fight on the apron, and are eliminated simultaneously. They continue to fight each other on the floor as they are dragged to the back. Frankly, this is pretty lame for a title shot match. Too many people, not enough actual action to warrant a title shot, and several weeks to do absolutely nothing to build said title match. During the commercial break, Lacey Von Erich was eliminated. Lacey Von Erich outlasted Daffney? SACRILEGE! BLASPHEMY! Sarita is eliminated by Sky and Rayne. Taylor Wilde tries to eliminate Hamada, and does, but eliminates herself in th eprocess. We’re down to Tara against Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne. Rayne is eliminated by Sky when Tara dodges and Sky collides with Rayne on the ring apron. Tara eliminates Sky with a super kick. Tara gets the win and the title shot. Did they really have to do this battle royale to do that? Tara already announced that after beating Awesome Kong, she was coming after ODB’s title.

Winner and #1 Contender to the Knockouts title: Tara

To the back! JB interviews Eric Young and Kevin Nash in the locker room. JB points out that Young’s Global title isn’t on the line, while the other titles are. Young rather eloquently trashes America, and reminds us that he clearly stated that his title would never be defended on American soil, or against an American wrestler. Veni vidi vici. Welcome to our world. Good segment!

To the Hulk Hogan video. Hogan has proven that where he goes, the fans go, and the talent isn’t far behind.

To the back! Foley is on the phone, trying to reach Dixie Carter. He can’t. Foley finds Steiner in the sewing room, harrassing the woman who makes TNA merchandise. She won’t make Main Event Mafia gear, and he demands that she make it. Foley questions Steiner about Hogan, and who he might be bringing with him. Steiner says that the young guys have no idea of the storm of political manipulation that Hogan will bring, and the guys like Steiner will benefit. If Nash said that Hogan isn’t coming alone, it has to be true. The woman asks if Steiner really means for her to make it exactly as he has it, because there is only one “F” in “Mafia.” Steiner rips into her, telling her to stick the “F” where the sun don’t shine.

To the back! Foley hunts down Nash, who has Eric Young with him. Foley tries to find out what’s up with Hogan through Nash. Nash jokes with Foley about who it could be. Foley gets angry at Nash’s humor. Nash promises to give Foley any information that Hogan gives him.

Match #6: Desmond Wolfe vs. Bobby Lashley (w/ Krystal): The wolf howls for Desmond Wolfe are huge! That’s how one becomes a sex symbol, I guess. I seem to have been spelling “Kristal” incorrectly. Lashley employs the power game to dominate Wolfe. Boy, Lashley really is limited in the ring. It’s even more obvious when he’s in the ring with someone the caliber of Desmond Wolfe. Still, the power game gets the upper hand. Wolfe is bleeding from the mouth. Lashley spears Wolfe in the corner, then drops him stomach-first across the knee. Wolfe kicks out, and targets Lashley’s arm. Lashley counters a Tower of London with the Dragon Sleeper, but Wolfe grabs the ropes. Wolfe locks Lashley in the ropes with a submission hold on the arm. He refuses to break th ecouint at five, and referee Earl Hebner disqualifies Wolfe. Wolfe, blood streaming from his mouth, looks straight into the camera and calls out Angle.

Winner by DQ: Bobby Lashley

To the back! Lauren interviews Lashley. Kristal does all the talking. She has morphed into the role of Sharmell. She is nowhere near as good at it as Sharmell.

Match #7: Robert Roode vs. Kurt Angle:  Do we really need to think about where this is going? I think we all know. The match is rather solid, as one would expect from these two. By far the most actual wrestling of the night. The announcers continue to talk up Angle as though Roode has no chance. They all but said that no one beats Kurt Angle. Way to make him seem like a legitimate contender, guys! Roode does extremely well in the ring, getting several two-counts on Angle. Roode even counters the Angle Slam once, then kicks out of another one later. Desmond Wolfe comes down to the ring and distracts Angle by spitting at him. Angle leaves the ring to attack Wolfe on the ramp. The referee starts the ten-count. Angle notices, but fails to return to the ring by the end of the ten-count. Wolfe laughs at Angle from the top of the ramp. 

Winner by countout: Robert Roode

The finals of the tournament will consist of Bobby Lashley vs. Robert Roode.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles enters to a massive reaction. He has a mic. He goes to the ring. He asks Sting to give him a call, as he is a concerned friend, and hasn’t heard from him. Before AJ can make his real point, Daniels interrupts him and makes his way to the ring. Daniels asks if Sting knows that AJ’s friendship costs more than it’s worth. Daniels has been a better friend to AJ than AJ has ever been to him. They snap at each other as only true friends can do. Huge chants of “Shut the hell up!” Daniels turns on the fans, asking them why? Because he’s telling the truth? Because he’s right? Daniels says that AJ always knew that Daniels was a better wrestler than he was, and AJ had made Daniels his best friend so that he wouldn’t be his worst enemy. Daniels tells AJ to go home and tell his wife and kids that Uncle Chris is sorry, but somebody had to put Daddy in his place. AJ fires back that he won’t tell his kids anything. When they grow up, they’ll know what Uncle Chris was really all about. At their title match at “Final Resolution,” Daniels will see just what AJ Styles can do. Awesome, awesome promo!

These Hulk Hogan videos are making me sick. I don’t even want to think about it.

To the back! Lauren interviews Robert Roode. James Storm is standing by. Roode addressed the British Invasion, saying that they are dodging Beer Money. Roode will defeat Lashley, and Beer Money will reclaim their tag team titles. Yeah, because no other teams are winning #1 Contender matches or competing for the titles. Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud?

Match #8: Robert Roode vs. Bobby Lashley (w/ Kristal): That Roode made it through this many matches in one night is fantastic for him, as he gets the focus that he deserves. However, nobody really thinks that Lashley is getting beaten by Roode here, do they? Lashley goes with what brought him to the dance, the power game and the Dragon Sleeper. Roode will not be beaten so quickly, however. Roode fights back, and the match goes back and forth. During the commercial break, Roode apparently dominated Lashley. Roode continues to target the arms of Lashley that was previously damaged by Desmond Wolfe. This match makes me think that, as much as I enjoy Beer Money, I liked them better as heels. Lashley outpower Roode and gets a two-count. More tossing Roode around. Roode gets another two-count after going back to the arm. Roode dodges a corner spear, and counters with a fisherman’s suplex. Lashley kicks out at two. Roode misses the Paydirt, and Lashley hits him with a spear only slightlky less craptacular than that of Lacey Von Erich, if she did one. The spear gets Lashley the win. Lashley and Kristal celebrate in the ring.

Winner of the tournament, and #1 Contender to AJ Styles’s World Heavyweight Championship title: Bobby Lashley

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

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