Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW 12/16/13

Slammy Award Winner for Crowd of the Year, and now BWF Award winner for Wrestling’s Greatest Moment of the year, I, ThinkSoJoE, am here to guide you through the dark times and in to the light, my friends!  Last night at TLC, in what was more of a gay porn than an actual match, Randall Keith Orton picked up the victory over John Cena and became the WWE World Heavyweight Champion!  How will Cena respond?  Let’s find out, shall we?

I suffer through three hours of wrestling on Monday nights so you don’t have to.  Enjoy!

First 30 Quick Recap:  The Authority welcome the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton to the ring.  Orton brags about how great he is, and is interrupted by John Cena.  Cena says he doesn’t want his rematch tonight, but he promised Daniel Bryan a fair shot at the title if he won, and asks Orton to face Bryan.  Orton disagrees, but the Authority does not, so we’re set for Orton vs. Bryan later on tonight – though it’s not specified at this point whether it’s a title match or not.  The WWE Universe picks Rey Mysterio and The Big Show over The Real Americans and RybAxel to face Goldust and Cody Rhodes in a non-title match.

Goldust & Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show & Rey Mysterio

I’m tired and hungry, so I’m going to skip through this while I eat some wings.  Sound good to you?  Good.  Let’s go.  Mysterio and Show dominate Cody until he finally gets a tag to Goldust.  Cody prevents Big Show from pinning Goldust after a chokeslam, but not after a KO Punch followed up by a splash by Mysterio.

The WWE Universe can vote on the WWE App for who will team with CM Punk against The Shield.  The choices are The Usos, Los Matadores, and the Prime Time Players.

ZOMG!!!!111111 KRISPENWAH!!!1111!1!

Bad News Barrett says you’re not going to win the lottery.  Randy Orton demands to know what’s going on with the Authority.  Stephanie McMahon reminds him that Daniel Bryan also got beaten up last night at TLC.  Triple H says they’ve got his back.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Fandango (w/ Summer Rae)

I saw this last night.  FFW.  Ziggler wins with a rollup.  ROH called, they want their finish back.

FWIW, the Orton/Bryan match tonight is non-title.  Speaking of non-title, Big E Langston and Mark Henry are up next.

Tell me you weren’t thinking “Holy shit, he’s going to blow him!” at this point in the match?

The Real Americans (Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Big E Langston & Mark Henry

Once again, I don’t give a shit.  FFW!  Big E pins Cesaro after a Big Ending.

Excuse me, I have a question…

Damien Santa thinks all children are ungrateful wretches, so he’s canceling Christmas.  It’s Bad Santa (Damien Sandow) vs. Good Santa (Mark Henry) next week on RAW.

RybAxel (Ryback & Curtis Axel) vs. Tons of Funk (Tensai & Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls)

Uh… Didn’t Tensai and The Funkadactyls walk out on Brodus last night?  Now they’re all happy and dancing while R-Truth and Xavier Woods are on commentary.  This I can watch, because it’s building a story.  Tensai tries to tag out, but Clay backs away.  Ryback hits Shell Shocked on Sweet-T and pins him, much to the apathy of Brodus Clay.  After the match, Clay splashes Tensai a few times.  Truth and Woods run him off.  Team PacMan invite the Funkadactyls to dance in the ring with them.  And they do – to Brodus Clay’s music.

…Did I get all of that off my face? Also, why can I see through your leg?

CM Punk has something to say, apparently about what happened last week at the end of RAW.  He talks about how he defeated The Shield last night.  He feels as though a certain somebody is trying to sweep him under the rug and make him go away.  But Punk isn’t good with Authority and he proved it last week when he punched Triple H in his stupid mouth.  Punk invites Triple H to come out and talk things over.  Triple H doesn’t show up… but Shawn Michaels does!  HBK says Punk should get over his obsession with HHH.  Punk says he respects HBK so he’ll give him a spass for last week, but if he ever kicks him again, he’s going to kick back.  Shawn says it pained him to kick Punk more than it pained Punk.  He says this will pain him more than Punk as well, he introduces Punk to his opponents, The Shield.

In the wild, they call this “presenting.”

Jerry Lawler introduces Punk’s partners for tonight, The Usos.

CM Punk & The Usos vs. The Shield

So… very… tired.  I like all the guys involved for the most part, but I’m exhausted.  So, FFW!  Punk hits his worst looking top rope elbow yet on Ambrose, but he gets distracted by Rollins, allowing Ambrose to tag Reigns behind Punk’s back.  Punk hits a GTS on Ambrose, but gets a Spear from Reigns, who pins Punk for the win.

The Wyatt Family cut a promo on Daniel Bryan.

Um…

Natalya & The Bella Twins vs. AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka, and Alicia Fox

No.  AJ pins one of the Bellas.  Tamina kicks one of the Bellas in the face, then AJ kicks her in the face, and AJ pins her.  I think she might have broken her nose.

… yeah. These aren’t photoshopped. These are actual stills from this match.

The World’s Strongest Santa will make this the merriest Christmas of all, because that’s what Santa does.

Renee Young congratulates Randy Orton, who is tired of being congratulated, because he’s being congratulated by having to face a sawed off troll in Daniel Bryan.  Everybody can kiss his ass.

Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton

Orton gets himself disqualified by giving Bryan a low blow.  Cena comes out to attack Orton, but gets an RKO for his trouble.  RAW ends with Orton standing tall over Cena and Bryan.

Thoughts:  I really half assed this one.  I was tired, so I took a nap.  By time I woke up, I didn’t have a lot of time, though I don’t think I really missed much by skipping through this program.  We’re in auto-pilot for a couple of weeks here folks, and I fully expect it to stay that way until the January 6th RAW.  See you Sunday!

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