Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW 2/17/14 – Go Home, Chamber, You’re Drunk

It’s the last stop on the road to the last ever Pay Per View us folks in the US will ever have to spend $54.95 on.  The WWE Network premieres next Monday, but let’s see what the WWE have in store for us before we get there, shall we?  Let’s roll!

I watch 30 minutes.  I leave.  Then I have to sit through this show a week later.  Maybe next week I won’t have to watch it by nefarious means once I get to work.  Time will tell.

First 30 Quick Recap:  John Cena comes out and babbles.  Cesaro comes out and says he’ll win the Elimination Chamber.  Christian, Sheamus, Orton, and Bryan all pretty much do the same.  Kane comes out and says since we’ve already got Orton/Sheamus tonight, we’re getting Cena/Cesaro and Bryan/Christian, the latter of which starts… RIGHT NOW!  Despite Kane’s presence at ringside and Christian attacking Bryan before the bell, it’s Bryan who picks up the win via rollup.  ROH’s bookers called it derivative. 

No.  I don’t wanna watch the rest of RAW right now.  You can’t make me.  Will Smith is hilarious on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon as I sit down to write this.  It’s the first time the Tonight Show has made me laugh in years!  I realize I don’t have to watch this RIGHT THIS SECOND, but I’d like to finish watching it at some point.

Kane informs Bryan he still has one more match tonight – against Kane.  Kane wrestles Bryan in a wifebeater and the pants from his suit.  Kane assaults Bryan before the match and dominates the early going.  Bryan starts to mount a comeback, but to no avail.  Kane continuously works over the arm of Bryan, to the point of getting himself disqualified.  Even after the fact, Kane continues the assault on Bryan’s arm in an apparent attempt to injure Bryan before the Elimination Chamber.  He grabs the mic and says “Yeah, I know.  I’m disqualified.”

Renee Young interviews The Shield, who tease dissension again.  Dean Ambrose says he softened up Mark Henry for Roman Reigns.  Seth Rollins says The Shield were born and bred for war.  They cut a promo on the Wyatt Family.

The only Kane worth a damn right now. USA! USA! USA!

Santino comes out with Emma to face Fandango with Summer Rae.  Didn’t this match happen last week?  In fact, I remember it, because The Miz interrupted.  Well then.  FFW!  Fandango wins.  I didn’t see how, but apparently it had something to do with Santino flirting with Emma.

Mark Henry tells Renee Young that tonight is about inducting somebody into the Hall of Pain.

Write. Book. Rematch. Repeat.

Alright, Reigns vs. Mizark Henry.  The fans are solidly behind Roman Reigns.  So am I.  Enjoy Roman Reigns while you can before WWE starts shoving him down our throats like they do Cena.  Reigns dominates this one.  He nails the Superman Punch and the Spear for the victory!  After the match, Ambrose goes after Henry.  The lights go out and The Wyatts appear on the TitanTron.  Bray Wyatt is excited about their upcoming match.  He asks if it’s worth it.  If they’re not ready to die for this, they’ve already lost.  Reigns invites them to come out to the ring with that noise.  Wyatt says they were thinking the same thing – Rowan says “run.”  The Wyatts enter the arena.  The Shield are waiting for them in the ring.  The fans chant for The Shield.  The Wyatts get up on the apron.  This time, Wyatt enters the ring.  Reigns steps to the center of the ring.  Harper and Rowan enter the ring.  The other Shield members step forward.  The Wyatts leave again.  Mind games in full effect.  I love it.

Did somebody say “Mind Games?”

CodeDust do a promo for the new WWE StackDown playset.  It’s hilarious.  Bad News Barrett has some bad news, and he kicks over the playset.

Kofi Kingston takes on the number one contender for the Intercontinental Championship at Elimination Chamber, Jack Swagger.  The fans chant for JBL.  JBL chants are the new “Boring.”  Then they chant for CM Punk.  I think if this crowd stays in this mode for the rest of the show, we’ll get a repeat of the Orton/Sheamus match from the night after WrestleMania last year.  You know, when the crowd took over the show and shit all over the match.  Swagger can’t lose this match if the WWE wants him to have any sort of credibility going into his IC title match at Elimination Chamber.  Swagger gets Kofi in the Patriot Lock and it’s over.  Big E comes out.  They’ve even taken “Langston” off of his video wall dealie.  It looks weird, honestly.  He’s in action, NEXT!

Where the talent only have one name.

3MB BayBay!  It’s Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal against Big E with Zeb Colter berating him over the house mic.  He says Swagger will beat him like the Seahawks beat the Broncos (they’re in Denver tonight).  3MB are actually dominating this match.  I think they could make these dudes credible if they put Zeb Colter with them.  Big E turns the tide though, and winds up splashing both 3MB members.  Where’s Heath Slater?  The straps come down, and both Jinder and Drew eat The Big Ending.  Big E even sounds weird when Justin Roberts announces his victory.  Why not keep the last name?  Big E says that he hopes they have diapers Colters size, because this Sunday his mouth won’t be the only thing full of crap.

Lana and Alexander Rusev cut a backstage promo.

Thank you, Wrestling Memes.

Black history month promo featuring the one and only Ron Simmons.

Then we get an Elimination Chamber promo video.  I don’t know about the folks in Denver, but I know when I’m in attendance at RAW, I can’t stand when they show a bunch of videos on the screen right in a row.  I was at RAW one night when The Rock had one of his “via satellite” bits, and Shawn Michaels had a promo from home – I could’ve just stayed home and saved the money I spent on the ticket if I wanted to watch RAW on TV.

And then a backstage segment with Renee Young and John Cena.

Whoops, sorry son. I didn’t know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.

I noticed they’ve even changed the twitter handles of Big E and Cesaro.  @BigELangston is now @WWEBigE, and @AntonioCesaro is changed to @WWECesaro.  Apparently, they even had him tweet “The name’s Cesaro… Just Cesaro.”  He beat Orton clean on SmackDown.  Hope he can do the same tonight.  He’s one hell of a worker, and I’d like to see him succeed.  He actually controls most of this match.  Cena starts to come back with the five moves of doom, but Cesaro avoids the AA and hits the European uppercut.  Cesaro goes for the Cesaro Swing, but Cena reaches up and nails a DDT out of nowhere – credit where it’s due, that was a hell of a counter.  Cena goes to the top rope, but Cesaro uppercuts him down to the floor.  Cesaro nails a huge superplex for two.  Cena goes for the STF, but Cesaro counters into the swing, hitting 14 rotations.  Cesaro calls for the Neutralizer, Cena reverses into an AA, Cesaro lands on his feet, boots Cena in the face, and Cena nails a clothesline, then ROLLS into an AA for the win.  I’ve said it before, and it holds true here – John Cena can have a great match with those who are capable of carrying him to one – and Cesaro is one of those guys.  Wow.  WATCH THIS MATCH!

Cesaro… Just Cesaro? That’s gimmick infringement!

Orton pulls H-Cubed aside and tells him he appreciates everything he’s done for him.  H says sure he was beat by Cena, Cesaro, and Bryan, but at least he’s making an effort.  Orton starts talking shit about Batista, who happens to be right behind him.  He says Orton isn’t the face of the WWE, he’s the ass.  Del Rio comes in and says he now knows Batista is an animal.  But Del Rio is a man, and he’ll make Batista pay for what he did at Elimination Chamber by ripping his arms off.  Batista shoves Del Rio.

Renee Young tells us we’ve got Titus O’Neil vs. Darren Young at Elimination Chamber too.  Titus introduces himself for his interview.  He came here to be a champion.  He asks Renee to spell champion.  She starts, and he cuts her off, saying she’s wrong, it’s T-I-T-U-S.  We’ve got another spelling champion here, folks.  Find T-I-T-U-S in the dictionary right before you find “man” spelled V-I-R-G-I-L.  For 731 days, Darren Young has been a road block.  This Sunday, he’ll mow over that road block, and everybody will have to sit back and witness the rise of Titus O’Neil.

Pictured: Not Titus O’Neil.

Badly disguised Primo and Epico and their midget friend team with HuniCara to face the Wyatt Family.  I don’t like their chances.  The Wyatts dominate, as they should.  If they didn’t dominate Los Matadores and Sin Cara, what chance would they have with The Shield on Sunday?  Sin Hunico gets some offense in, but it doesn’t last long.  The Wyatts allow themselves to get distracted by El Torito, allowing Sin Cara to regain the offense – but Luke Harper avoids the senton bomb and hits the discus clothesline.  Wyatt gets tagged in and hits Sister Abigail for the win.

The hunt for Sister Abigail continues. Abigail Adams, perhaps?

The New Age Outlaws are in the ring doing their spiel.  Apparently they’re wrestling The Usos, whom they’ve been avoiding for the last couple of weeks.  Oh, it’s Jey vs. Billy Gunn.  With Road Dogg on commentary.  The actual tag team match – for the titles, no less – will happen on Sunday.  Jimmy Uso is on commentary as well.  The match is irrelevant with the commentary going on.  Jey avoids the Fameasser, and rolls up Billy for the win, then the Usos take out the Outlaws.

Byron Saxton is with Sheamoose.  He cuts a Sheamus promo.  He’s next.

I’m an ass (Spider) man!

Remember the last time these guys had a match with each other?  I sure as hell do – and I won a Slammy and a BWF Award for it.  I hope the cotton candy guy gets a chant tonight.  Extreme Rules, by the way, is at the IZOD Center.  Maybe worth the six hour drive, though the crowd that will be there won’t be the crowd that was there on that award winning night.  The CM Punk chants start as soon as the match starts, but they die down quickly.  The crowd’s silence, however, speaks volumes about how much the fans care about this match.  Dead crowd, bad match.  FFW.  Orton goes for the RKO, Sheamus avoids it and hits the Irish Curse – three times.  He calls for the Brogue Kick, but The Shield assault him.  Cena and Bryan come out to make the save, for some strange reason.  Cesaro comes out and attacks everybody, Christian makes no noticeable impact when he comes out, then the lights go out – and we’ve got a huge brawl with The Wyatts, The Shield, Cesaro, Christian, Cena, Sheamus, Orton, and Bryan to close the show.

Thoughts:  That ending, WTF?  First of all, if I’m one of Sheamus’ opponents in the Elimination Chamber match, I’m letting him get his ass beat by The Shield, not saving his ass.  Secondly, we just completely intertwined two of the main matches at the PPV for what reason?  Who cares.  See you Sunday for BWF Radio with guest Elimination Chamber panelist Gary Barnidge of the Cleveland Browns.

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