Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW 3/31/14 – The Road to Wrestle-Meh-Nia.

Alright, doing this a little different this week.  It’s 8PM right now and the signature open for RAW is on my TV.  I’m going to try my best to review the first two hours as I watch so I only have to do an hour after I get there, thus leaving me time to do WrestleMania 8 later on tonight.  So anyway, let’s go!

No time for italic humor, show’s starting!  Click the button!

The Undertaker kicks off Monday Night RAW!  He’s apparently got a final message for Brock Lesnar heading in to WrestleMania.  He says he’ll go further than anyone else at the showcase of the immortals, which is why the streak stays alive.  Brock Lesnar shouldn’t be thinking of how to break the streak, but what will happen when Undertaker takes him to the deep water and his feet no longer touch the bottom?  Will Brock try to take him down with him, or will he try to turn around and swim to shore?  Every opponent has made that decision, and they tried to swim back, and none of them have made it yet.  There are many who think the streak will be broken, but there are many more who believe in three things – death, taxes, and the streak.  This Sunday, Brock Lesnar will rest in… Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman interrupt.  Heyman doesn’t mean any disrespect – Lesnar does, but Heyman doesn’t.  Lesnar says this isn’t a match he has to win, it’s a match The Undertaker must not lose.  All it takes is one F5, and three seconds later the undefeated streak is over.  This Sunday, WWE presents to you the most historic WrestleMania moment since Hulk Hogan defeated Andre The Giant, when Brock Lesnar breaks the Undertaker’s WrestleMania streak.  That’s not a prediction, that’s a spoiler.  Lesnar and Heyman start to walk down the aisle, but stop before they get there and walk away, with Brock pointing to the WrestleMania sign… Or at least that’s what we’re supposed to think.  Lesnar comes back.  Heyman distracts Undertaker but the dead man doesn’t fall for it.  Lesnar takes the upper hand anyway and drops the Phenom with the F5.

Maybe…. but probably not.

The Intercontinental Champion, Big E, is set for action.  He’s facing Alberto Del Rio.  Del Rio takes control and works over the arm of Big E.  Meanwhile, I read about the “major surprise entrant” into the ARMBAR at WrestleMania via Kayfabe News.  Big E mounts a comeback and goes for the Big Ending but Del Rio gets him in the cross armbreaker.  Big E tries to power out of it, and eventually does.  Del Rio gets Big E caught up in the ropes and jumps down feet first on his chest.  A boot to Big E’s jaw later, and Del Rio has defeated the Intercontinental Champion.

ARMBAR!

You know what I like watching on this week’s RAW?  Last week’s RAW!  They show the end of the Cena/Harper match from last week.  Bray Wyatt says the world is waiting.  It craves change.  The problem is that it becomes far to easy to become enamored with the gardens and turn a blind eye to the landfills.  Does he have your attention?  He will burn everything to the ground and leave nothing but ashes.  He will change the world.  They won’t understand but in time they will forget John Cena and see him the same way that Bray does.  As a monster.

And now we get “highlights” of Total Divas.  Joy.

John Cena as a monster.

And because of the Total Divas clip, we’ve got Summer Rae vs. Natalya.  Whoopity doo.  The interesting part of this is that Vickie Guerrero announced that the first Diva to score a pin or submission in the Vickie Guerrero Invitational at WrestleMania will be the Diva’s Champion.  I somehow care about this Natalya/Summer Rae match less than I did when they wrestled on NXT.  And Summer Rae winds up winning.  I was only half paying attention so I don’t know how.  Slap to the face or some shit like that.

He’s a “sports entertainer.” Get it right.

The Authority are here to celebrate the end of the YES! Movement.  Stephanie says they’re benevolent people so they’re giving you the opportunity to say goodbye to the YES! Movement before Triple H ends it at WrestleMania.  Triple H doesn’t think they’ll care, there is no loyalty, they just want to be a part of something.  Not do anything, but feel like they’re a part of something.  Remember Fandangoing?  How big that was?  And then nobody cared anymore.  That kid’s a quality talent.  A solid B+, maybe an A.  Stephanie asks who wants to see Daniel Bryan tonight.  Stephanie gets the crowd going with a YES! chant and says that even she can get them going with that, but that Daniel Bryan will not be here this evening.  Triple H says Bryan and the YES movement is a myth.  No matter how many times you chant YES, it doesn’t make him an A player.  It’s like the people who think he’s got all of his power because he married well, but it’s because he worked hard.  He throws to a video package about all the people who the crowd was behind that have fallen to Triple H, including Booker T, Scott Steiner, RVD, Jeff Hardy, Goldberg, Mankind, Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle.  Triple H says it’s not that any of those guys aren’t great, but they were just players in the game, and he is The Game.  He’s going to show the world that he is the most powerful man in WWE when he walks out of WrestleMainia as the COO and WWE World Heavyweight Champion.  Bootista’s music hits.  He says he loves this whole “say goodbye to the YES! movement” thing, but he noticed that he wasn’t in Triple H’s video.  It’s because Triple H has never beaten him.  Triple H says he’s said that before and he should maybe think of something else to say.  Batista says Triple H is the brains – Stephanie is the brawn.  Randy Orton comes out.  He says if Stephanie is going to slap the taste out of Batista’s mouth, he wants a front row seat, but then again, he wants to beat respect out of Dave later on tonight in their match.  Orton understands what’s best for business is a Triple Threat match at WrestleMania, and he knows Triple H will beat Bryan.  Orton asks Triple H to reconsider being a part of the Triple Threat match for his own safety.  Triple H says no amount of ass kissing will get him out of this.  His reign will end very soon, unless he can find a way to become The Viper again.  Triple H says if he’s The Viper, because he doesn’t know if even he can beat that guy.  As of now, the match tonight between Orton and Batista is no disqualification.  FWIW, that segment put my wife to sleep.

How long until the inevitable remake of this movie starring Triple H, Batista, and Randy Orton?

The Usos and Los Matadores with El Torito take on The Real Americans and RybAxel.  This Sunday, all four teams are in a fatal four way match for the Usos’ WWE Tag Team Championship on the WrestleMania pre-show.  For what it’s worth, how long has it been since Los Matadores were on RAW?  They’re a good team, who put on good matches on Main Event and Superstars, but I’m supposed to expect them to win the WWE Tag Team Championships when it’s been months since they’ve appeared on the flagship show?  I really don’t care about this match.  I hate these things where there are so many guys involved on teams.  You know what’s going to happen, everything is going to go crazy, everybody’s going to hit their move, and one of the Usos or Matadores are going to get pinned by one of their opponents for the sheer purpose of Michael Cole saying “if that happens Sunday we’ve got new Tag Team Champions!”  Let’s see how accurate I am, shall we?  Los Matadores pulled Twin Magic and one of them rolled up Swagger for the pin.  So I was completely wrong.  But if that happens Sunday, we do have new Tag Team Champions, whether Cole says that or not.

Old, but still funny. Unlike Cole’s commentary, which is just old.

Fandango dug himself out of the hole Triple H buried him in earlier tonight, and he’s teaming with Damien Sandow to take on The Rhodes brothers.  Another meh match.  Road to Wrestle-Meh-Nia, folks.  All of these dudes are in the ARMBAR at the show of shows.  The announcers don’t really seem to give a shit about this match either.  They’re taking potshots at one another through the whole thing.  Goldust pins Sandow after the Final Cut.

Triple H’s version of Fandangoing. Also, I apparently lifted this from Wonderpod. Hi Jonkind, how ya doing?

More video clips, hooray!  We see the history between The Shield and their WrestleMania opponents, Kane & The New Age Outlaws.  Tonight, one of the Shield will face Kane, and the WWE Universe gets to vote.  I actually got to this time.  I voted for Reigns.  Seth Rollins almost feels bad for Kane.  It doesn’t matter who wins the app vote, Kane’s in a bad way.  If the Outlaws want to get involved, they’ll get theirs too.  Dean Ambrose says they never disrespected Kane, Kane & The Outlaws disrespected them.  Roman Reigns says The Shield is not to be disrespected – believe in The Shield.

The Wyatts cut in after the promo to make their entrance to the arena.  Hoping to get Andrew J Reimers to perform their theme song sometime soon on BoredWrestlingFan Radio.

The Shield that JT will be watching this Sunday, instead of texting me during WrestleMania like he usually does.

Tomorrow night, it’s Sheamus vs. The Miz on Main Event.  I hope that’s an April Fool’s joke.  Luckily, I won’t be here to watch it.  So we’ve got Bray Wyatt vs. R-Truth.  Xavier Woods is in Truth’s corner, Luke Harper and Erick Rowan of course in the corner of Bray Wyatt.  This won’t last long, and will likely be the last thing I cover before I leave for work.  Truth gets a bit of offense in, but it doesn’t last long.  Wyatt takes him down with a cross body variation.  Almost like a tackle.  It’s all Wyatt from there, just toying with Truth.  He finally picks up the victory with Sister Abigail.  Xavier Woods makes the mistake of getting in the ring, and he gets disposed of by Harper and Rowan.  Wyatt says this is not the beginning, this is the end.  Follow the buzzards.  Then another individual in a sheep mask appears behind him.  It’s very clearly Cena.  He removes the mask, confirming as much.  He drops Rowan with an AA, but Wyatt escapes.  Wyatt scurries up the ramp and takes a seat, singing “he’s got the whole world in his hands” toward Cena.

It’s sing along with the Wyatt’s time!

We relive Vickie Guerrero decreeing that AJ Lee will defend her title against every WWE Diva on the main roster.  Meanwhile, AJ is in the ring, surrounded by 12 of them, facing the 13th, Naomi, as the fans chant for CM Punk.  All the lumberjill throw AJ back in the ring, but don’t bother when Naomi winds up out there.  FWIW, Naomi is no longer wearing an eye patch.  Carl “Pierre” Oulette will be disappointed.  Tamina backs the Lumberjills up when AJ winds up on her side of the ring – but they all attack both AJ and Tamina.  Moments later, AJ gets pinned.  “AJ Lee got pinned, and that could happen Sunday.”  No shit, Cole.

Nope. Never. I didn’t say it earlier in the review either. Figment of your imagination.

Renee Young is backstage with John Cena.  She says it’s clear we can expect anything at WrestleMania.  Cena says desperate times call for desperate measures.  Bray Wyatt spews his rhetoric, but he should be careful what he wishes for, because men can do dangerous things when they’re forced to fight for what they believe in, so this Sunday, John Cena will be a monster.  He’ll be damned if his career ends Sunday at the hands of Bray Wyatt.  Wyatt wants change, he’ll have to change the way he walks because he’s going to stuff his foot in Wyatt’s ass.

Cole throws to the RAW pre-show panel, Josh Mathews, Booker T, Bad News Barrett, and Alex Riley.  They give some predictions for that match, which I don’t give a shit about because the only prediction show that matters is BoredWrestlingFan Radio’s WrestleMania pre-show this Sunday at 2PM Eastern, LIVE on BWFRadio.com!

Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and he’s there to announce which member of The Shield will face Kane tonight.  And the WWE Universe voted for… Roman Reigns, with 80% of the vote – including mine!

Kodos is back in my RAW review!

Reigns has been waiting for Kane all through the commercial break, and finally gets him.  Neither man has their respective WrestleMania teammates at ringside.  The fans are not into this match at all.  Reigns powers out of a chokeslam attempt by Kane.  That’s the point the momentum shifts to Kane.  Reigns calls for the Superman Punch, but sees the Outlaws coming.  The rest of The Shield attack the Outlaws, Reigns ducks a clothesline and hits the Superman Punch.  Then The Shield get in the ring and surround Kane, but before they can hit the triple powerbomb, the Outlaws pull Kane out of the ring.

Recent picture of the New Age Outlaws.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper is in the ring, and we’re set for a special edition of Piper’s Pit!  29 years ago today, he was in the main event in the first WrestleMania, and it wasn’t him that got pinned.  He says Andre The Giant had a hand in making WrestleMania the monster that it is today.  This Sunday, 30 Superstars will be in the Andre Roussimoff Memorial BAttle Royal, which we call ARMBAR.  Miz interrupts.  He says he’s the odds on favorite to win the battle royal.  Unlike Piper and Andre, he’s actually won the main event of WrestleMania.  The other guys in the ARMBAR don’t compare just like Piper’s Pit doesn’t compare to MizTV.  Sheamus says Miz isn’t fit to hold Roddy’s kilt.  Titus O’Neil comes out next.  The winner will be spelled T-I-T-U-S.  He probably spells man V-I-R-G-I-L.  Ziggler comes out.  He apologizes for stealing the spotlight – well, not really, but this Sunday he’ll steal the spotlight.  Piper says all four guys are named “you.”  He tells Miz he’s a nice kid, thumbs him in the eye, and tosses him to Sheamus.  Then a bunch of other guys come out, and we’ve got a big brawl in the middle of the ring.  Rey Mysterio’s music hits and he runs down after the rest of them.  He hits Sin Cara with a 619, Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick on Drew McIntyre.  Big Show comes down.  They all gang up on him, but he gets out of it and takes out a bunch of guys, knocking out Heath Slater and chokeslamming Ryder and Ziggler.  Soon, it’s Rey and Show left standing.  Rey gets down on his knees and begs, but then hits the 619 on Big Show to the midsection.  Show catches him out of mid air on a hurricanrana attempt and throws him out of the ring and on to the other superstars at ringside.  Piper raises the hands of The Big Show.

This is here because I’m a fan of street art. Hi, Shepard Fairey, how ya doing?

Before the main event between Orton and Batista can get started, The Authority head down to the ring.  They join in on commentary.  As if this wasn’t bad enough.  When Cole insinuates that Daniel Bryan could beat Triple H, Triple H said he’s also heard that the flyover will be a bunch of pigs and monkeys on Sunday.  The fans in attendance chant “Boring.”  I agree.  Hurry the fuck up and finish so I can get back to work on my WrestleMania week stuff.  Hey, let’s play a game.  Let’s name all the weapons used in this match.  Chair?  Check.  Kendo Stick?  Check.  Steel Steps?  Check.  Can we get a fire hydrant?  That’s the only WWE “hardcore” weapon missing so far.  Daniel Bryan assaults Triple H at the commentary booth!  Randy Orton tries to help, and he manages to get Bryan off of Triple H.  He throws him into the steel steps, then rolls him into the ring.  Batista spears Orton, then goes after Bryan, who kicks him in the head and hits him with the knee!  He nails Triple H with a suicide dive!  Bryan assaults Triple H on the outside, beatign him with a kendo stick.  He dropkicks Orton off the apron, and it’s Daniel Bryan standing alone in the ring!  YES!  YES!  YES!  RAW ends on a high note going in to WrestleMania!

Thoughts:  I was worried there for a minute.  Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista have all had a lot of interaction with each other over the past month, while Bryan has had virtually no interaction with Orton and Batista.  If Bryan really wasn’t in Washington tonight, I would have feared that Triple H was going over.  But Bryan came back and looked strong, taking out not only Triple H, but Batista and Orton as well.  So, I feel better.  In any event, tune in Sunday as we have Adrian from Booker Tees and occasional guest host Brian Lee Muller on the show to talk WrestleMania XXX!

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