Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW 6/28/11: RAW Roulette

What?  Me again?  That’s right folks, it’s the Alpha BoredWrestlingFan, ThinkSoJoE here with you for a third straight week of RAW gimmickry!  I don’t mind a gimmick show every now and then, but three weeks in a row?  Last week we found out that CM Punk is leaving the company after the Money In The Bank Pay Per View, and he’s got a WWE Championship match that very same night.  Also, the voting got screwed up during the Power to the People RAW, and tonight we’ll see Sin Cara take on Evan Bourne because of it.  All this, and Shawn Michaels, tonight on RAW!

Somebody needs to look into Chad Kroeger – every week he tells me he wants to burn something to the ground.  The guy’s probably a closet arsonist.  We’re live in Las Vegas, which means it’s time for RAW Roulette.  I feel bad for Las Vegas wrestling fans.  They probably haven’t had a non-roulette themed wrestling show since WCW went out of business, save for the live IMPACT broadcast they did that one week.  Booker T is manning the wheel this time around – giving the wheel a spinaroonie.  #BadPun.

OH!  OH SHAWN!

That’s right, we’re kicking off RAW with none other than the Showstopper, the Icon, the Hall of Famer, the legendary Mr. WrestleMania, the Heart Break Kid, SHAWN MICHAELS!  The greatest of all time!  You can follow him on twitter at @ShawnMichaels_.  What is HBK doing here?  Milking his entrance, for one, but then again, why not?  He wants us to know from the bottom of his heart that he tried to stay away, but he just couldn’t do it.  How could he possibly leave all this?  He gave it the old college try, but it’s tough.  20+ years of doing something, you can’t just stop cold turkey.  Besides, he missed us.   Let’s face it, no matter what anybody says, it was each and every one of us that made him the Headliner, the Showstopper, the Main Event, Mr. WrestleMania, and Mr. Hall of Fame.  He doesn’t want to imply that he’s the RAW guest host, but one of the things that’s bothered me is that every time we have a guest host, they’re here to plug something.  HBK?  He’s a different kind of cat.  The last thing he wants to do is come out here and tell you that he’s got a new show on the Outdoor Channel that premieres tomorrow night at 11:30 EST, called Shawn Michaels’ Big River Adventure or something like that.  Sure, everybody else will give you the shameless plugs – by the way, his twitter account is @ShawnMichaels_…

HBK is interrupted by the sounds of Killswitch Engage’s “This Fire Burns,” which is the theme song of course for one CM Punk, the number one contender for the WWE Championship.  He’s joined by David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty.  Mason Ryan was injured over the weekend.  Punk says that HBK’s personality is so addictive that he couldn’t stay away, even though he said he was leaving.  Punk asks if the fans are happy to see HBK.  Punk says what’ll make him happy is that in a couple of weeks, he’s leaving.  HBK says that the fans won’t have to see or hear from Punk again, so that sounds like a win/win.  Punk says it is.  Win is what HBK didn’t do when he left the WWE.  He didn’t beat The Undertaker, unlike Punk who will beat John Cena and leave WWE Champion.  HBK asks if Punk ran that by John Cena.  Punk points out that he beat John Cena two weeks ago.  At MITB in Chicago, Punk will leave with John Cena’s WWE Championship.  One of the reasons he’s leaving is all of these people.  It’s sad they’d rather cheer for a Hall of Famer – the past – Shawn Michaels, than beg the future to stay.  HBK tells Punk at the end of the day they cheered him because he’s better than CM Punk.  The fans chant “One More Match.”  Punk isn’t going to lie, HBK was better than Punk, but there’s nobody back there that can hold a candle to Punk now, and HBK saying that he’s better than Punk sounds like a challenge.  HBK used to be a brash rebellious superstar, and they’re a lot alike in that regard.  HBK says they’re not alike.  They’ve got similarities, they don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs (anymore, says Punk).  HBK says Punk’s got his style, and HBK’s got his – then superkicks David Otunga.  Punk says it’s the biggest mistake of HBK’s life.

And I quote:

“Punk, you leaving WWE is your decision.  But seeing that you only have three Monday Night RAW’s left, we’re going to make them count.  Since you’re already in the ring, you’re going to have the first match tonight on RAW Roulette, so ladies and gentlemen, let’s spin the wheel!”

Booker T shows us what kind of matches are available, and he’s going to spin to find out what kind of match Punk will be in tonight.  It’s a ? match.  Booker T explains that he’s got a mystery opponent.  And he’s got an all expense paid trip to hell – because he’s going to face Kane.  HBK makes sure it’ll be one on one as he kicks McGuillicutty.  He tells Punk “Good luck with all of that.”  Kane makes his way to the ring, and we’re set for our opening contest on RAW Roulette!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Kane def. CM Punk via countout

Kane gets the jump on a seemingly unprepared Punk, but as he goes to work on Punk in the corner, a “CM Punk” chant starts up.  Kane scores a two count off of a big boot, and Punk can’t seem to get out of the box.  Kane scores a two count off of a side slam, and Punk finally manages to muster up some offense.  He strikes away at Kane, but Kane drops him with another big boot.  Kane climbs to the top rope but Punk tries to set up for a Superplex, to no avail.  Kane again tries to set up for the clothesline, but Punk rolls out of the ring.  He starts heading up the aisle.  He says “Fire me?  I don’t care!” as he gets counted out.

Tonight!  A RAW Roulette match between The Big Show and Alberto Del Rio, and another RAW Roulette match between John Cena and R-Truth!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WWEPoker.com is fun and free, apparently.  There’s your plug, WWE.

The lights get all funny, which can only mean one thing – Sin Cara is here!  He doesn’t fall flat on his face during his entrance, so that’s a good start.  His opponent, of course, is Evan “Air” Bourne.  This match is happening because it didn’t happen last week.  Because all you horndogs voted for Kelly Kelly too many times.

Evan Bourne vs. Sin Cara

The bell rings, and then we throw it to Booker T, who is going to allow Eve to give the wheel a spin.  Because we don’t want to see them in a normal match.  It’s a no count-out match.  I think Kane is wishing he’d gotten that one.  Of course we get the poor lighting job that is standard for a Sin Cara match.  Apparently MVP showed up, because the “Power Ranger” chant breaks out – very clearly for Sin Cara.  This match spills to the outside, and I can barely see either guy because of the stupid Sin Cara lights.  It gets back in the ring and it’s not much better.  Bourne moves out of the way of a Sin Cara dropkick, and I have no idea why I’m even trying to keep up.  Even if the lights were on, it would be impossible.  Bourne misses Air Borune, and Sin Cara hits a spinning head scissors and picks up the win.  Because a spinning headscissors isn’t a lame ass finisher.  Really.  Other than the finish and the lack of lighting, it was a great match.

Booker T is hanging out with Kofi Kingston, who has the power to spin the wheel for his match with Dolph Ziggler.  Vickie steps in the way and spins.  It’s a Player’s Choice match.  Kofi gets the pick of stipulation, and Kofi picks -guess what – the match that actually won last week, Vickie Guerrero banned from ringside.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Money in The Bank is in three weeks, and our participants are already set for the RAW MITB match – Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio, Evan Bourne, Alberto Del Rio, R-Truth, Jack Swagger, Alex Riley, and The Miz.  Should be an exciting match!

Speaking of exciting, Kofi Kingston and his stupid Arachnaman tights are on the way to the ring!

EXCUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero must have farted again.  Referees tell her to get out before she can introduce Dolph Ziggler.  Ziggler doesn’t look very happy that Vickie was banned from ringside, and we’re set for one on one, non-title action!

Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler

Dolph tries to pull a CM Punk, but Kingston goes out after him.  Ziggler takes control early, but Kofi knocks him right back out of the ring, then bodyslams him on the floor.  Ziggler reversed an Irish whip attempt, shoving Kofi into the ring post and us into a…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

If you had “rear chinlock” in resthold bingo, mark your card, because that’s what Ziggler’s got Kingston in when we come back.  Kingston, flat on his back, kicks Dolph in the head and starts to battle back, but not for long.  Every time Kofi tries to mount a comeback, Ziggler shuts him down – but then out of nowhere, Ziggler eats a Trouble In Paradise and Kofi picks up the win!

Still to come, it’s John Cena vs. R-Truth in a RAW Roulette match!  Maryse is backstage with Booker T, who recaps what we’ve seen from the wheel thusfar.  Alberto Del Rio interrupts and asks why he has to face Big Show again.  Maryse agrees.  Booker doesn’t make the matches, just the spins.  Booker says he’ll spin for ADR, but Alberto asks Maryse to do it for him.  He checks out her ass when she spins it.  Maryse flirts, and Booker laughs at the result.  When Del Rio sees it, he’s not happy – it’s a Steel Cage match!  Booker T says “She didn’t spin that.  Tell me, she didn’t just spin that!”  He tells Del Rio that if he didn’t have bad luck, he’d have no luck at all.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The flashy cage lights are flashing, and Alberto Del Rio comes out, still without Ricardo Rodriguez, but in a Lamborghini Convertible.  Boo Big Show.  I have no excuse to do a Google translation intro for Alberto.  I haven’t seen anybody milk an entrance like this since Chavo Guerrero before his 9 second ECW title loss at WrestleMania 24.  Big Show makes his way out, and we’re ready for Steel Cage action.

Alberto Del Rio def. The Big Show in a steel cage match

Big Show starts destroying Del Rio as soon as the bell rings.  He tries to charge at Del Rio, but Del Rio dropkicks the injured knee of the Big Show and sends him face first into the turnbuckle.  Del Rio works on the injured leg some more.  Mark Henry makes his way down to the ring.  Big Show finally starts to mount a comeback, but as he goes for the chokeslam, Del Rio kicks the injured leg again.  Del Rio decides to try and escape the cage, but Show catches him easily.  Show goes for a superplex, and he hits it.  Both men are down, and Mark Henry decides now would be a good time to rip the door off the cage.  He brings the door with him into the cage, and kicks The Big Show in the face.  Del Rio takes the opportunity to bail from the cage and win the match.

Henry picks up the cage door, then charges at The Big Show, who is between the ropes and the cage.  Henry nails Show, who comes crashing down through the wall of the cage and to the floor.  Henry says that if he charges for air, Show better keep his bill paid.  Referees come out to check on Show, but Henry won’t let them.  He says he does what he wants to do.  Love this new attitude.  The fans chant “You suck.”  Henry says “Yeah, I suck.  But I’m over here, you over there!”

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Short Attention Span Theater is on the air!  We relive what we just saw before the break.  The announcers lament The Big Show’s recent string of bad luck.  Speaking of which…

Holla, holla!

The WWE Divas Champion, Kelly Kelly is here to compete in a RAW Roulette Match.  Her opponent is Nikki Bella, and we’re told that Brie will get her rematch for the Divas Championship in three weeks at Money In The Bank.  Booker T, tell us what we’re gonna see!  He hopes it’ll be a pillow fight match.  It’s not.  It’s a submission match.  Daniel Bryan is crying in a corner somewhere right now.

Kelly Kelly def. Nikki Bella in a submission match

Nikki goes for an armbar early on.  Kelly screams in pain, but won’t give up.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a match started with a rest hold before.  Always innovative, those WWE Divas.  Kelly finally gets out and locks in a Boston Crab.  Nikki taps out.

Brie assaults Kelly from behind and both Bellas work over the Divas Champion.  Eve makes the save.

Still to come, John Cena takes on R-Truth in – get this – a RAW Roulette match!  What a novel idea!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Promo: Andy Leavine.

The wheel is spinning as Booker T is standing by with Rey Mysterio.  It’s a Tornado match.  Rey wants to know it doesn’t mean what he thinks it means.  Booker says it does.  Rey and Riley vs. Swagger and Miz, and all four guys are in the ring at the same time.  Booker turns his attention to somebody off camera, and asks what he’s doing here.  DDP steps into frame and tells him that he’s plugging the Very Best of Nitro.  I still need to pick that one up.  Drew McIntyre shows up.  He says a lot of guys think they’re washed up.  He’s not one of them, but they are taking up his TV time.  They can leave now, or they can leave on a stretcher.  Then he gets kicked in the face by Shawn Michaels.  HBK says he’s never seen any of the Best of Nitro DVD.  He was working then, but he’s sure it’s very exciting.

Riley, Mysterio vs. Swagger & Miz – NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The Miz makes his way out first, for some reason.  Michael Cole keeps referring to Justin Roberts as “The Ring Announcer.”  Sorry Justin, you don’t get to have a name anymore.  Jack Swagger heads to the ring.  Ok, that’s enough introductions.  FFW!

Alex Riley & Rey Mysterio def. The Miz & Jack Swagger in a Tornado Tag Team Match

Here.  YOU keep up with this.  Miz & Riley battle outside, Mysterio & Swagger inside.  All four of these guys will be in the Money In The Bank ladder match for the RAW brand at the MITB PPV.  Swagger hits the Vader Bomb for a two count on Mysterio.  Swagger sets Mysterio up on his shoulders, but Miz can’t complete the Doomsday Device.  Riley nails a double underhook hiptoss from the top rope, but Miz only allows him to get a two count.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Miz & Swagger are rolling when we come back.  They isolate Riley in the ring.  A-Ry tries his best to fend off his opponents, and manages to hold them off until Mysterio gets back in.  Swagger drops Mysterio across the knee of The Miz, who picks up a two count.  Eventually it’s Miz and Mysterio in the ring, and Miz goes for a superplex.  Mysterio blocks it, knocks Miz down, then hits a seated Senton.  He gets causes Miz and Swagger to collide into each other, but a roundhouse kick to the head of The Miz only scores Rey a two count.  Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but gets kicked in the face.  Mysterio goes for the 619, but Swagger intercepts him.  A-Ry ducks a Swagger clothesline and nails a spinebuster, but Miz breaks up the count at two.  He hits a reverse DDT on Riley and scores a two count of his own.  Riley clothesline’s Miz out of the ring as Swagger hits a big boot on Mysterio for a two count.  He goes for the gutwrench powerbomb, is reversed, Mysterio goes for the 619, but is caught.  Miz and Swagger double team Mysterio, but Riley breaks it up.  Mysterio finally hits the 619 on Swagger, and Riley hits an Implant DDT, before a big splash from Mysterio from the top rope, and Mysterio and Riley pick up the victory in a pretty cool match!

Michael Cole plugs MacMillan River Adventures, which is the actual name of Shawn Michaels’ new show, and then they run a video package for it.

R-Truth is talking to himself backstage.  Booker T interrupts and asks him to spin the wheel.  It lands on a Tables match.  Truth says he can dig that.  Tonight, John Cena is gon’ get GOT!  Truth starts babbling about Little Jimmy.  Booker asks him to leave, then decides it’d be better for himself to leave.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The Truth, shall set you free.

Truth still doesn’t have any theme music, and he’s wearing what Michael Cole describes as a modified straight jacket.

BRRRRRRRRNOMOREPOOOOOOOOOO!

The WWE Champion, JOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHN CENA’s theme is apparently exclusively available on iTunes.  Nevermind the fact that you can buy John Cena’s rap CD, “You Can’t See Me” and get it too.  I should know.  I own a copy.

R-Truth def. John Cena in a Tables Match

R-Truth unloads on Cena early on.  THIS week the dueling chants are “Let’s Go Cena” and “Cena Sucks.”  Cena hits a hiptoss (that’s #1 of the 5 moves of doom, BTW), and goes for a table.  Sorry John, you need at least three of the other four moves to win.  Truth gets control of the match again, but Cena powers out and hits a dropkick (surprisingly, not one of the five).  He goes for the Attitude Adjustment (#4) but Truth escapes.  Truth grabs a table, and sets it up in the corner.  He stops to admire his handy work, which surprisingly doesn’t cost him.  He tries to suplex Cena, but Cena reverses it.  Truth charges at Cena, but Cena low bridges him.  He sends Truth crashing into the steel steps, then grabs a table of his own.  He sets the table up in the middle of the ring, then brings Truth back into the ring.  CM Punk arrives (in a Steve Austin shirt, no less) and moves the table as Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, preventing Cena from winning the match.  Cena and Punk brawl, which allows Truth the opportunity to spear Cena through the table and pick up the victory!

Punk grabs a microphone from ringside, and heads back up the ramp.  He sits down on the stage and says that he wants Cena to listen to him.  Before he leaves in three weeks, he has a lot of things to get off his chest.  He doesn’t hate Cena, he doesn’t dislike him.  He likes Cena more than most people in the back.  He hates the idea that Cena is the best, because he’s not.  CM Punk is the best in the world.  There’s one thing that Cena is better at, and that’s kissing Vince McMahon’s ass.  He’s as good at kissing Vince’s ass as Hulk Hogan was.  He doesn’t know if Cena’s as good as Dwayne, he’s a pretty good ass kisser.  Always was, and still is.  Oops, Punk’s breaking the fourth wall.  Punk is the best wrestler in the world.  He’s been the best since he’s walked into the company, and he’s been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in Punk that nobody else wanted to admit.  That’s right, Punk’s a Paul Heyman guy.  You know who else is a Paul Heyman guy?  Brock Lesnar, and he split, just like Punk is, but the difference is that Punk is going to leave with the WWE Championship.  Punk’s grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon’s imaginary brass rings that it’s finally dawned on Punk that that they’re completely imaginary, and the only thing that’s real is CM Punk.  For six years, he’s proved that he’s the best on the microphone, on the ring, and even at commentary.  No matter how many times he proves it, he’s not on the collectors cups, or the programs, he’s barely promoted, he doesn’t get to be in movies, he’s certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network.  He’s not on the WrestleMania poster, he’s not on the signature that’s produced at the start of the show.  Not on Conan O’Brien or Jimmy Fallon, and he should be.  The fact that Dwayne is in the main event at WrestleMania next year and Punk is not makes him sick.  Those of us who are cheering him right now, we’re as big a part of him leaving as anyone else, because we’re the ones sipping out of those collectors cups right now, we’re the ones who buy the programs, and at 5 in the morning we try to shove it in Punk’s face for an autograph at the airport to sign so we can sell it on eBay, because we’re too lazy to go get a real job.  He’s leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17th, and who knows, maybe he’ll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling.  Maybe he’ll go back to Ring of Honor.  “Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doin’?”  The reason Punk is leaving is us people, because after he’s gone we’ll still pour money into this company.  Punk’s just a spoke on the wheel, and the wheel will keep turning, and Punk understands that.  Vince McMahon will make money despite himself.  He’s a millionaire who should be a billionaire, but he’s not because he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical, douchebag yes men like John Laurinaitis, who tell him everything he wants to hear, and Punk would like to think that this company would be better after Vince McMahon’s dead, but the fact is it will get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.  Punk wants to tell us a personal story about Vince McMahon.  Unfortunately, they cut his mic.  And then they cut to black.

My thoughts: Holy shit.  Wow.  CM Punk tweeted earlier in the day “I’m in full, “what are they going to do, fire me?” mode,” and it seems like he held true with that.  Work?  Shoot?  According to WWE.com, Vince McMahon is the one who personally pulled the plug on CM Punk’s shoot and he has suspended Punk indefinitely.  Any theories I had of Punk potentially literally stealing the WWE Championship may have just gone out the window, but if this is a shoot, CM Punk just made the best exit in the history of professional wrestling.

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