Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW 8/19/13: I hear voices. They’re telling me to change the channel.

Well, SummerSlam is in the books, and my predictions, as usual, fell flat.  Your WWE Champion coming out of the PPV is Randy Orton, as expected, having cashed in Money In The Bank on Daniel Bryan with help from Triple H.  Jorge was so angry, he joined Facebook.  Yes, he did.  That happened.  And I said last week that if Jorge joined Facebook, I’d have to stop phoning in my RAW reviews.  (The SmackDown reviews here are phoned in too, but the RAW reviews get better reception.)

I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave, come to work, watch the rest of the show and writes what I sees.  Since RAW is the “A” show, I rarely have to make stuff up for this review, unlike SOME reviews on this site.

First 30 quick recap:  John Cena kicks off the show, says his football like elbow is from a torn tricep that doctors wanted him to skip SummerSlam to get fixed.  Cena’s a fighting champion, and puts over Daniel Bryan for beating him fair and square at SummerSlam.  He brings out Bryan, but before he can speak, Stephanie McMahon interrupts him.  She says he’s not fit to be the face of the company.  Bryan says the fans disagree.  Stephanie disparages Bryan some more, Bryan calls her trash.  She says she’ll let that slide.  Bryan slaps the mic out of her hand.  She has him removed by security.

Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes (SummerSlam rematch)

These two actually had a halfway decent match at SummerSlam (workrate!), and we get the rematch tonight.  The announcers say that Damien Sandow was whining backstage all day about losing at SummerSlam, which contradicts the fact that Josh Mathews said that Sandow still says he’s the better man on the WWE App before this match.  Yes, I was that bored I decided to watch with the WWE App while I was home.  Cubito Aequet after the break, but Rhodes battles back.  Rhodes hits the Disaster Kick, but Sandow rolls out of the ring as the Anaheim crowd chants “Where’s Your Mustache?”  Rhodes winds up winning with a sunset flip.  Another good match between the two of them.  Rhodes seems to think he should be the number one contender since he’s beaten Mr. Money In The Bank twice.

Brad Maddox is the GM of Monday Night RAW, and after the events of last night, various individuals gave their opinions on Triple H, including Dolph Ziggler:

“…I wondered what his intentions were.  To be honest, I have never really trusted him since I started working here…“

Maddox says it’s not because of these remarks, but because Ziggler is a show-off.  WWE likes to give Ziggler a chance to show off any chance they can, so tonight he’ll be in a three-on-one handicap match vs. the Shield.

Paul Heyman is walking backstage with one arm in a sling.  He’s up next!

Ronald McDonald takes tips from Daniel Bryan.

Paul Heyman is in the ring to address the WWE Universe.  I read somewhere that he’s already picked his new client and it may be a Paul Heyman Girl.  Anywho, Heyman has a life lesson for everybody.  Punk had to fly away from the next and prove his self worth.  Heyman will admit that Punk gave Brock Lesnar all he could handle at SummerSlam.  But where do we go from here?  Paul says it’s time to end this family feud.  He’s been more of a father to Punk than his real father.  So when big brother Lesnar slapped sense into Punk’s head, Heyman realized that this is a time for forgiveness, and he forgives CM Punk.  Heyman says when Punk apologizes, he’ll take him back.  Punk is far better with Heyman than without him, and together, they’ll achieve heights greater than before.  Heyman says he still loves Punk.  He’s willing to put this behind them and Heyman will guide Punk to the WWE Championship and the main event of WrestleMania, and together they will be the best in the world.

Backstage, the Funkadactyls and the Bellas have an interaction – the Bellas wish them luck because they’re representing Total Divas.  Oh boy.

Still to come, Randy Orton’s WWE Championship coronation.  Oh boy.

It’ll never top this coronation.

The Funkadactyls head to the ring.  They’re apparently from Planet Funk now, even though they clearly live on Earth on Total Divas.  I wonder if Cameron’s fake boobs will fall out?  Their opponents can actually wrestle and aren’t featured on some shitty E! reality show – Layla and AJ.

AJ & Layla vs. The Funkadactyls

AJ and Layla attack The Funkadactyls before the bell rings, and dominate the early going.  I’d FFW – but much like WrasslorMonkey at WrestlingWithText, I’m an AJ mark.  In fact, she’s playing an awesome heel here – holding one of the Funkadactyls by the hair and taunting the other one – but when AJ tags in Layla, she gets rolled up and the Funkadactyls win.  Oh boy.

Dolph Ziggler’s walking backstage, he’s facing The Shield all by himself, next!

AJ’s got nothing on Homer.

Dolph Zigger vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, & Seth Rollins)

Why did they stop making Sobe bottles glass?  And when?  I stopped drinking it for a while and started up again recently.  That has nothing to do with this match, but I was thirsty and took a sip of my drink.  The Shield have to tag in and out here, and kick things off with United States Champion Dean Ambrose.  Hell, Ziggler puts up a hell of a fight until Roman Reigns gets tagged in.  That’s when the numbers game starts to get the better of him.  Ambrose takes Ziggler down in the opposite corner, and Reigns takes his time getting over to him off of the tag, which allows Ziggler time to recover.  He takes out all three members of The Shield, including the legal Reigns with a DDT, but the pin is broken up by Rollins.  Ziggler disposes Rollins, then charges at Reigns, only to be taken out with a spear.  Victory for The Shield.  After the match, they hit Ziggler with the triple powerbomb.

This cat must be looking at the horror that is the BWF SmackDown review.

Alberto Del Snore-o is on his way to the ring, and he’s still the World Heavyweight Champion.  Which, I guess, is the lesser of two evils.  His face looks better tonight too.  Barely.  He’s facing Sin Cara, who stole one of AJ Styles’ vest hoodies.

Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio

No stupid Sin Cara lights in this one, but we do get miniature Mexican flags on the ringposts.  It’s always something.  Sin Cara apparently hurt his wrist, and Del Rio won’t let the doctor get to him, so the referee has to stop the match.  Afterward, Del Rio grabs the microphone, and says at SummerSlam he proved why he’s the best World Heavyweight Champion in history.  He proved to all the Latino community that finally they have someone to cheer for.  I don’t like where this is going.  He says he’ll do everything in his power to represent them.  Ricardo Rodriguez shows up on the ramp.  He says Del Rio is no hero.  Ricardo confesses that he’s very happy that he doesn’t have to represent Del Rio anymore.  In fact, he’s proud to represent somebody new.  Somebody that, unlike Del Rio, will stand for people.  He is Rob Van Dam!  That’s not who I was expecting!  Holy shit!  RVD goes after ADR, and Van Dam gets Del Rio set up for the 5-Star, but Del Rio bails.

Still to come, it’s CM Punk!

Weeeeeeeee!

The Real Americans are in the ring, and Zeb Colter says a good headline would be that Antonio Cesaro and Jack Swagger are real Americans.  They’re pure, unlike the people of Anaheim.  Colter complains about illegals at Disney Land.  Happiness to them is being on a plane out of California.  “We The People.”  Their opponents are The Prime Time Players, who are apparently faces now.  I wonder why?

The Prime Time Players (Darren Young & Titus O’Neil) vs. The Real Americans (Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro)

Well, this is our first time seeing Mr. No Days Off since his big announcement over the weekend.  Other than the fact that they’re playing the face role tonight, it doesn’t seem to have effected the PTPs at all – so far.  Real Americans get Titus trapped in their corner, so we haven’t really seen D-Young at this point.  Swagger hits the Vader Bomb, tags Cesaro, who leapfrogs Swagger to stomp on O’Neil.  Cool spot!  Titus finally gets the tag to Young, who takes out both Real Americans, scoring a two count on Cesaro before everything else breaks down, then Young hits the “Gut Check” on Cesaro.  Yes, that’s the name of his finisher.  And the PTPs win, with nary a mention of D-Young coming out last week.

Renee Young is with The Big Show.  She wants to know if he’s going to team up with with Mark Henry to face The Shield.  Show says it’s true.  Brad Maddox takes over.  He mentions that Big Show made some remarks about Triple H.  Big Show says it’s freedom of speech.  Maddox wants Show to express himself in a different way – in a handicap match against The Shield.  And all three members of The Shield are allowed to be in the ring at the same time.  Show asks if he’s sure he wants to do that to The Shield.

Titus O’Neil’s side job. Terry Crews lookalike. I know I said that last week, but it’s still funny, dammit!

Backstage, Zack Ryder gets some SSSIIICCCKKK sneakers from Foot Locker, who are giving away a trip to a WWE event and a gift card to foot locker.  Fandango and Summer Rae dance their way in.  The Foot Locker employee tries to give Fandango a pair of sneakers.  Fandango likes them, but asks if he can dance in them.  The Foot Locker guy approves.

We get SummerSlam highlights.

Backstage, Ryback is picking on a couple of local guys who are changing in the locker room.  He corners one of them in the shower.  I’m getting a real Heidenreich vibe from this.  Ryback makes the guy turn the water on and fill up his bag.

At least Ryback didn’t get THIS far with that random guy backstage… Yet.

The Big Show vs. The Shield

This isn’t fair, The Shield already wrestled tonight.  Show dominates the early going.  Reigns is taken out.  Rollins and Ambrose try to work together to take out Big Show, but it doesn’t quite work.  Show disposes of Rollins, so it’s down to Big Show vs. Ambrose.  Show calls for the chokeslam, but Rollins clips Show’s knee.  Rollins nails the knee from the top rope, and Ambrose only scores a two.  They try a double suplex, but Show reverses it, Reigns gets back in and nails the spear.  They hit Show with the triple powerbomb (as I pointed out last week, they’ve done it before), and pick up the victory.

Up next, it’s CM Punk!

WWE needs The Green Men. They can hang out with the clown, the sign guy, and the mark out dude.

CM Punk limps his way down to the ring after the brutal match he had last night with Brock Lesnar.  Punk doesn’t really know what to say right now, but he knows Heyman was out here earlier with a lot of personal things to say.  Punk turns his attention to a guy in the crowd – “Sir, you paid your ticket, you want to boo that’s fine, but I dare you to step in between these ropes, and you’ll never boo again, because I will render you a toothless, crying heap of a man.  I am pissed off and I wanna fight, so if you have the balls, I dare you, fatso, to step up and be a man, and fight CM Punk!  Come on, son, come on!  Come on!  I will render you to tears!  Be a man or shut your [expletive deleted] mouth!”  Heyman says he can get Punk the WWE title and the WrestleMania main event, and that’s what Punk wants.  If Paul wants an apology, if an apology gets him all those things, then he can come out and maybe he’ll get what he wants.  Heyman enters the arena with Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel in tow.  Punk says the doctor says he can’t compete, but he’s in his gear because it’s all he knows.  Punk says the truth is he’s sorry – sorry he took his eyes off of Lesnar for a split second to get revenge on Heyman, and he’s sorry that revenge wasn’t enough.  He’s sorry he didn’t take Heyman’s arm home with him.  He’s sorry he didn’t break Heyman’s face, and he’s sorry the next time he gets his hands on Heyman, he will take him out and take his arm home with him.  Punk will get his hands on Heyman, and he says let’s do it right now.  He tells Heyman to “have the guts that this fat guy over here doesn’t have.”  Heyman says an apology is due, but it’s from him.  Heyman says he’s sorry.  Sorry for what is about to happen to him.  He tells Axel to tape up his hands for a fight.  Punk has pushed Heyman too far one time too often.  He’s not the fat guy in the front row, he can be the worst nightmare Punk has ever encountered in his entire life, and Heyman says if Punk is still in the ring when we come back from commercial, Curtis Axel will be sent down to that ring by Paul Heyman, and he’ll finish the job that Brock Lesnar started at SummerSlam.

Come on, fatso, jump in the ring with your little coat and face CM Punk! (Tommy Boy is an awesomely funny movie, BTW)

Punk is sitting in a chair in the ring, awaiting Curtis Axel, who is here with his fists taped up.  Punk attacks as soon as Axel gets in the ring and wastes no time in using the chair to assault Axel.  This isn’t a match, BTW, it’s a fight.  Axel chops Punk, who no-sells it.  Axel gains the upper hand, and Heyman meanders closer to the ring.  Punk dumps Axel over the guardrail, and stalks Heyman.  Axel starts to get up, but Punk sees him stirring and nails him with anything not nailed down at ringside.  Punk goes for a GTS, but Axel wiggles out and chops out the bad leg.  The bad leg “that hit the announce table” at SummerSlam.  I loved that.  They showed the replay, his legs were nowhere near the table.  Axel goes after Punk’s knee with the chair as Paul Heyman wanders back down to ringside.  Axel nails his finisher on Punk, and tries to Pillmanize Punk, but Punk moves out of the way.  A one legged Punk turns the tide and starts assaulting Axel with the chair, as Heyman wanders back up the aisle.  Punk tosses Axel into the steel steps, then drops him with a GTS – face first into the steps.  Punk glares at Heyman, but Heyman retreats.

Finally, a Fred The Fish reference on BWF!

Ugh.  Why is R-Truth rapping still a thing?  You’ll remember a few weeks ago that The Wyatt Family assaulted R-Truth, so that’s why we’ve got Bray Wyatt’s RAW debut, facing R-Truth.

“We’re Here”

Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. R-Truth

Bray Wyatt beat Kane last night.  You really think he’s jobbing to R-Truth.  The Family get involved, distracting Truth.  A splash in the corner, followed by Sister Abigail, and this one is over.

Follow The Buzzards.

There’s a promo for bullfighting, for some reason.  Is El Matador coming back?  It’s two masked dudes, called, get this, Los Matadores.  I hear they’re played by Primo & Epico.  Because that worked out SO well for Tito Santana.  Speaking of horrible gimmicks, The Usos are here to take on 3MB.  I mean the Usos gimmick, not the 3MB gimmick – that’s just awesome.

The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) vs. 3MB (Jinder Mahal & Heath Slater w/ Drew McIntyre)

So, they’re pushing the tag team division like they have one again.  I mean, Los Matadores need to feud with someone, right?  They mention that The Miz is facing Wade Barrett after this.  Fuck this.  FFW!  The Usos win.  Surprise.

It’s been done.

Last night at SummerSlam, The Miz hit Fandango for no reason.  And now he expects me to watch him wrestle.  Nope.

The Miz vs. Wade Barrett

FFW!  Miz locks in the Miz-Can’t-Figure-It-Out-Four, but he gets legdropped by an incoming Fandango.  Fandango & Summer Rae dance over the fallen corpse of The Miz.

Brad Maddox is walking backstage when he runs into Stephanie McMahon and informs her that Daniel Bryan is back in the building.  She says good and thanks him for the update before walking into Mr. McMahon’s office.

I think I might be IN this GIF.

Triple H has all of the Superstars out on the ramp, and have The Shield working security at the end of the aisle.  Stephanie and Vince McMahon welcome The Game to the ring.  Vince says it’s a momentous occasion.  The coronation of a champion we can all be proud of.  Vince says Triple H did the right thing.  He saw the light.  They embrace.  Triple H says it always makes him laugh how short sighted the WWE fans are, how they can never see the bigger picture.  He did what he did last night to ensure the future of the WWE.  Triple H didn’t want to do that to Daniel Bryan, he considers him a friend and likes what he does in the ring.  He deserved to win last night, but face of the WWE?  The fans deserve better than that.  You deserve A+.  And that’s what he gave us last night.  Bryan has a personal problem with that?  That’s a sacrifice Triple H is willing to make.  Triple H didn’t like doing what he did to Bryan, or doing it with Orton, but he did it for the fans.  This reeeaaaallllyyyyy drags on.  Eventually, Triple H brings out Randall Keith Orton. Stephanie hugs Orton.  Orton says “I told you so.”  Orton says he owes all of this to Triple H.  Orton asks the fans to give Triple H a standing ovation.  Triple H says he knows Bryan is in the building, and invites him down to discuss his personal issue.  He asks The Shield to move to the side so Bryan won’t be scared to come to the ring, and anybody on the stage touches Bryan, there will be problems.  Triple H gets the crowd to chant yes, has his music play, and Bryan eventually comes out, but he’s attacked by The Shield as he tries to get in the ring – and he nearly takes them out in an effort to get at Orton – and he eventually does!  Bryan heads back toward the ring, but catches a spear from Roman Reigns, and the Hounds of Justice assault Bryan.  They go for the Triple Powerbomb on the floor, but Triple H stops them and once again invites Bryan to come say what he’s got to say.  Bryan finally manages to get back in the ring but catches an RKO from Orton.  The McMahons raise the hand of the WWE Champion as RAW goes off the air.

Thoughts:  Fuck, man.  I hated that last segment.  Alas, that’s the point.  You’re supposed to root for the face and hate the heels, and right now that’s true for most people.  The money is in the chase – will we buy Night of Champions to see if Bryan can get the title back?  Fuck yeah we will.  Will Jorge be angry at the outcome for a third straight PPV?  It’s quite possible.  Only time will tell.  And I love it because I hate it.  See you Sunday at 2!

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