Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW 8/26/13: A solid B+ show. The VMAs get an F

I’ve been putting off doing tonight’s review.  I’ve had RAW ready to go for about an hour now but I didn’t get around to starting this until now.  I had far more pressing matters to attend to.

Namely this.

So, a lot of FFWing during this episode coming up.  Let’s go!

Blah blah blah 30 minutes, blah blah blah, get to work, blah blah blah whatever.

First 30 quick recap:  Triple H has The Shield working security as he gives Randy Orton an Escalade.  Daniel Bryan calls Orton pretty, and Triple H books him vs. Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns in a gauntlet match for later tonight.  Fandango vs. Cody Rhodes is interrupted by The Miz, dressed as Fandango and dancing with Rosa Mendes, and Damien Sandow, who attacks Rhodes.  Brad Maddox makes it a tag team match, playa.

The Miz & Cody Rhodes (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. Fandango & Damien Sandow (w/ Summer Rae)

Guess Rosa needed something else to do since her charges decided to take up bullfighting.  Miz wrestles the entire match in Fandango’s gear.  Fandango and Summer Rae bail on Sandow, and Miz nails a Skull Crushing Finale after Rhodes trips Sandow up for the victory.  After the match, Fandango says his name.

Curtis Axel faces CM Punk tonight and YOU can choose the stipulations.  Well, you could have, had you actually watched the show instead of relying on BoredWrestlingFan.com to tell you what happened.  Which is why we constantly lie to you in these reviews.  Well, at least we do in one of the show reviews on this site.  Try to guess which one!

Josh Mathews is with Christian, and he asks Christian his opinion on Triple H.  Christian says those that don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  Orton says he could understand why Christian has a problem, and that he’s going to beat Christian tonight.  Christian says that Triple H likes sledgehammers, but he found a new tool.

Apparently, Tout is still a thing.  So is the WWE App.  On the app, Punks said he wants to get his hands on Paul Heyman.  There’s a lot of filler in this episode…

… and backstage, Paul Heyman is upset about this vote.  Which is what they were telling us to look for on Tout.  Axel says he’s got this.  Axel asks if Heyman believes in him.  Heyman says “like my life depends on it.”

This is what will happen if you vote for A or B. Or if you vote now. Because you didn’t watch the show live. Which means you didn’t watch the advertisements. Content thief.

Looks like we’re getting this match now.  Heyman isn’t with Axel, Punk comes out, and Jerry Lawler announces the stipulation.  You voted for a Judy Bagwell on a Pole match.  Luckily, the rest of the people voted for one of the actual stipulations – If CM Punk wins this match, he’ll get a match with Paul Heyman tonight.

CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) – if Punk wins, Punk gets a match with Heyman

Heyman is on the top of the stage watching the match.  Axel escapes a GTS and rolls out of the ring.  Punk decides to go after Heyman, but Axel prevents him from doing so.  Heyman watches on nervously as the match goes on.  If I were him, I’d jump in the ring and attack Axel to get Punk disqualified.  Axel holds his own against the Best in the World, and Heyman gains confidence as the match continues.  Punk turns things around and hits the Randy Savage elbow.  Axel gets control again but gets cocky, leaving himself open for a GTS, scoring Punk the victory…

CM Punk vs. Paul Heyman

… Heyman tries to leave, but WWE officials stop him and direct him toward the ring.  Heyman walks slowly toward the ring, but runs backstage as Punk comes after him.  Security literally drag Heyman to the ring.  Heyman pleads with Punk, saying “it was all Brock Lesnar’s idea.”  Punk backs Heyman into a corner, and Axel nails Punk with a low blow from behind.  Heyman pulls a set of handcuffs out of his pocket, and Axel cuffs Punk’s hands behind his back.  Heyman slaps Punk a few times, telling him “I did this to you.”  Heyman says Punk will feel his wrath.  Punk stands up and kicks Axel’s head off.  Then he puts the boots to Heyman.  The decapitated body of Curtis Axel returns with a chair to take out Punk.  He wanders around ringside looking under the ring, possibly trying to find his head.  He gets a Singapore Cane instead hands it to Heyman, who re-enacts Woman caning Tommy Dreamer in ECW.  Paul plays the jilted lover again as he canes Punk – “I loved you, I martyred myself for you, I fathered you, I cared about you, you were everything to me.”  Then later, “I gave you my heart, you broke my heart, I loved you!”  I think it was at this point that Jorge texted me “This is the craziest S&M video I’ve ever seen!”  Ok, maybe that didn’t happen.  But you guys know Jorge, he was at least thinking it.

Aww, come on Punk, give the guy another chance. Look how sad he is!

JoJo is in the ring.  She’s the special guest ring announcer for the next match.  They’re really trying to find her something to do, aren’t they?  It’s a rematch from SummerSlam – Brie Bella vs. Natalya.  Ugh.

Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella & Eva Marie) vs. Natalya (w/ The Funkadactyls)

FFW!  Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter and locks in in, but Nikki pulls Brie out of it as Eva Marie distracts the ref.  Brie hits the facebuster and wins the match.  After the match, AJ comes out.  She mocks the Total Divas, both the show and the cast.  She says when she looks in the ring, she sees a bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women.  Women who turned to reality television because they weren’t gifted enough to be actresses or talented enough to be champion.  AJ’s done more in one year than all of them in their entire careers.  She saved the Divas division.  Why?  So some ungrateful stiff plastic mannequins can walk through the door?  AJ worked her entire life to get here and they were all handed 15 minutes of fame.  She didn’t get here because she was cute or came from a wrestling family or sucked up to the right people.  She got here because she’s good.  She eanred the championship, and no matter how many red carpets they walk, they’ll never be able to lace her Chucks.  They’re all worthless excuses for women and will never be able to touch AJ, and that is reality.

AJ can make a Total Divas segment entertaining.  Is there anything that woman can’t do?

Last Monday, Ricardo Rodriguez aligned himself with Rob Van Dam.  RVD takes on Alberto Del Rio, next.

To: The cast of Total Divas
From: Anybody who saw AJ’s promo.

RicRod introduces Mr. Rectangular Pyro, Rob Van Dam!  And the Mexican Flags are back for Alberto Del Rio’s match.  Does every Mexican on the roster need something special added to the ring?

Alberto Del Rio vs. Rob Van Dam (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)

During the break that happens in this match, Brad Maddox decided that if RVD wins this match, he gets a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship at Night of Champions.  Because for some reason the RAW GM has jurisdiction over the SmackDown World Champion.  RVD hits a Rolling Thunder, and it looked way better than the one he hit on SmackDown this past Friday.  Del Rio calls for the cross armbreaker after avoiding the Five Star, but Ricardo jumps up on the announce table and distracts him, allowing RVD to roll up ADR for the victory, so it’s RVD vs. ADR at NOC for the WHC.

Give Ricardo a whistle. NOW!

Josh Mathews is standing by with Ryback.  Mathews tells him that the WWE Universe has been saying he’s bullying everyone.  He grabs Josh by the face and tosses him to the floor.  Ryback says he finally found a way to shut Josh up.

Elsewhere, Renee Young asks Paul Heyman if he was afraid of facing CM Punk.  Axel says it’s something Punk will never forget.  Heyman says Punk is like a child who should keep getting punished, and punished, and punished.  He says that he’s the last person CM Punk should ever come up against.  They get in the passenger side of a car.  Who was driving?  Who knows?

It wasn’t Christian.  He’s on his way to the ring for one more match.  He’s facing Randy Orton.  NEXT.  On somebody else’s review.  Fuck that shit.

Maybe Heyman and Axel’s driver was whoever drove the Hummer in WCW?

Christian vs. Randy Orton

Oh, who the fuck cares?  FFW!  I fast forward five minutes and just barely get to the end of Orton’s ring entrance.  Orton thumbs Christian in the eye and hits the RKO for the win.  After the match, Daniel Bryan appears on the Titan Tron, congratulating Orton on a great match.  Bryan says Orton is the face of WWE and that the gift Triple H gave him was a pretty car.  A pretty car for a pretty man.  Bryan asks what if.  What if he beats Orton at Night of Champions.  Would he be the new face of the WWE?  He moves to reveal Orton’s new car spray painted with the word “YES” several times with orange spray paint.  I feel like I’ve seen this before.  Michael Cole calls it a “Yescalade.”

Kofi Kingston covering Randy Orton’s race car in orange paint at the First Niagara Center in Buffalo.

Brad Maddox says not only were the fans cheering and laughing about what Bryan did to Orton’s car, but the folks in the locker room were as well.  Triple H says he considers both the car and the WWE title his personal property, which both happen to be held on to by Orton.  He tells Maddox to go in the locker room and march everybody out to the stage to watch what happens to Daniel Bryan tonight.  Anybody that thinks about getting involved will be personally fired by Triple H, and he’s going to laugh while he’s doing it.  Orton says Bryan will pay.

Looks like we’re getting Titus O’Neil vs. Jack Swagger.  Yup.  Which means we’ll probably be getting another PTPs vs. Real Americans match soon.  Colter says the PTPs act like buffoons and bark like a dog.  Then he goes off on welfare and basically says the PTPs are welfare kids.  That’s… that’s a bit racist, isn’t it?  Is Brian Muller booking this show?

Titus O’Neil (w/ Darren Young) vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Antonio Cesaro & Zeb Colter)

If it’s anything like the SmackDown match between Young and Cesaro on SmackDown, this won’t last long.  I’m getting sleepy though, so FFW!  Swagger tries to use the ropes for leverage on a pin, but D-Young knocks his feet off, distracting him long enough for Titus to pick up the victory.

I could totally see Terry Crews as part of the PTPs.

Video:  Bray Wyatt talks about Sister Abigail.  Same video we played the audio from on BWF Radio this past Sunday.

The doctor is telling Brad Maddox that CM Punk is refusing medical attention.  Punk comes in and says only Brad Maddox can help him.  He wants a match with Heyman, one where Heyman can’t get away.  Maddox makes Punk vs. Axel and Heyman at Night of Champions, and if Heyman tries to get out of it, we’ll never see him again.  Punk says if Heyman tries to back out of it, we may never see Maddox again either.

The entire roster comes out to the stage to watch the gauntlet match, if any of them get involved, they’re fired.

Hey Waldo, what’s Triple H’s job title again?
“Coo.”

They show the Los Matadores vignette again.  Or maybe it’s a different one.  Who knows?  Who cares?  Tito Santana cares.

Renee Young is out there with the WWE Superstars on the stage and she has a mic in hand.  I’m sure that had something to do with the WWE App.  Bryan is out first, through the Superstars on the stage.  Shield come through the crowd, and Renee interviews The Big Show.  He doesn’t answer her.  So she asks Dolph Ziggler a similar question.  He doesn’t answer.  She asks Miz for his thought, and he doesn’t finish his answer.

Gauntlet Match #1:  Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins

I fully expect to see the puking rainbows meme on facebook when I get done with this.  Bryan vs. Rollins, and then Bryan vs. Ambrose?  Love it.  Rollins goes for the top rope knee to the face, but Bryan catches him and locks him in a half crab.  After Rollins gets the rope and escapes to the outside, Bryan hits a suicide dive that sends Rollins crashing over the announce desk.  During the break, however, Rollins turns the tide.  Rollins tells Bryan that all he has to do is stay down, then mocks his “YES” pose.  Rollins backs Bryan into one corner, runs to the other, but turns around to a Bryan dropkick.  This is a solid match, and it’s given more time than I’d have expected.  Bryan finally hits the knee to the face and picks up the victory over Rollins…

Gauntlet Match #2:  Daniel Bryan vs. Dean Ambrose

… but Ambrose attacks immediately after.  Bryan locks him in the Yes Lock quickly, but Reigns interrupts, causing the DQ victory for Bryan…

Gauntlet Match #3:  Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns

… who immediately locks Reigns in the Yes Lock.  The numbers game gets the better of Bryan.  Triple H comes to the stage and nods to Reigns, Rollins, and Ambrose, who drop Bryan with the triple powerbomb.  Orton’s music hits, and he joins Triple H on the stage.  Triple H pats him on the chest, and Orton heads down to the ring.  The Shield hold Bryan up for Orton, who drops him with an RKO.  Big Show looks angrily at Triple H as Orton walks back up the ramp.  Orton holds his title up, and Triple H invites any of the Superstars on stage to laugh.  RAW ends with The Shield standing over a fallen Daniel Bryan

Thoughts:  Not a terrible show.  It’s doing it’s job.  I’m looking forward to seeing Orton and Triple H get theirs at the hands of Daniel Bryan, which is how I’m supposed to feel.  The balance finally seems to be right.  We’re cheering for the faces and booing the heels.  I’m tired, I’m out.  See you Sunday at 2PM for BWF Radio!

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