Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW results 7/13/09

Triple H kicks off RAW tonight, and gets a huge ovation from the Orlando crowd.  He reminds us that Donald Trump bought RAW, and Vince McMahon bought it back for double the price a week later.  Meanwhile, something exciting happened – the celebrity guest host.  The Game is here to announce tonight’s host.  He was in Buffy and Austin Power, he’s also on Family Guy and is a co-creator of Robot Chicken.  His name is Seth Green – and his theme song is Welcome To The Jungle.  He’s thrilled to be here hosting RAW.  he can do whatever he wants, pick the matches and whatnot.  So the first thing he’s going to do is make a six diva swimsuit summer spectactular.  It’s in the spirit of athletic competition, of course.  Triple H sees it his way.  It’s the kind of outside the box thinking that makes The Game a fan of Robot Chicken.  They put celebrities in the most bizarre situations.  The premiere episode has, potentially, the biggest star on the planet (according to Triple H), Triple H.

Clip of Triple H on Robot Chicken, getting his ass kicked by Dakota Fanning, until John Cena turns on her.

Triple H says that didn’t really happen.  Triple H has experience fighting whiny little girls since his first match with Randy Orton.  Triple H says that may be true, but he never said that.  Randy Orton and Dakota Fanning have one thing in common – no male genatalia.

I hear voices in my head…

Orton says he’s got something Triple H don’t – the WWE Championship.  He says that if Seth Green wants to take shots at Orton, he should know that Orton has somewhat of an anger management issue.  He won’t hesitate to punt somebody in the head or RKO them no matter how big or pathetically small they might be.  Triple H suggests himself vs. Orton for the main event.  Orton says Green doesn’t wanna do that, since Cena and Triple H are already losing to him at Night of Champions.  Triple H says he’ll just drop him right now.  Orton has nothing to say to Triple H until Night of Champions, and he’s got nothing to say to Seth Green either.  He then asks Green why he’s here.  Maybe it’s so somebody might mistake him from being a real man.  Green tells Orton he might be interested in tonight’s main event.  It’s going to be Randy Orton and Legacy taking on Triple H and John Cena.  Oh yeah, and their partner Seth Green.

Kelly Kelly is wasting valuable television time wandering aimlessly in the general direction of the ring in a bikini.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The following is a chance for me to go grab some dinner Six Diva Summer Swimsuit Spectacular or something stupid like that.  Screw this, I’m going to get some dinner.

Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, & Maryse def. Mickie James, Gail Kim, & Kelly Kelly

It’s your weekly multi-diva clusterf*(#, now with bikinis.  BORING.  I seriously went to get some dinner and came back in time to see Maryse pin Mickie James.

Seth Green runs into Chris Jericho backstage.  Chris Jericho says he’s the guy who made a career of mocking Star Wars after claiming to be a big fan, and is now doing the same thing to the WWE.  He needs to cater to Chris Jericho.  Robot Chicken is apparently going on a roller skating tour with the band Gym Class Heroes for free.  Green tells Jericho that if he’s going to bring negativity to the show, he might as well just leave.  Jericho says he’s got something to say, and he’s going to say it whether Green likes it or not.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WWE Slam of the Week – Carlito beat the crap out of his brother after they failed to beat Jericho and Edge for the Unified Tag Team Championships last week.

Primo is in the ring with a microphone and speaking Spanish.  He calls out Carlito.  He doesn’t get him though.  What he gets is the best part of RAW, The Miz!  Miz asks where Carlito is.  He’s probably doing something more important, like getting a cup of coffee.  So since Maryse is probably watching, The Miz is going to leave Primo laying in the middle of the ring like the rejected brother he is, because he’s The Miz, and he’s…  AWESOME!

The Miz vs. Primo

Primo and The Miz put on a pretty good match, until Carlito interrupts and allows The Miz to hit a reverse Russian leg sweep for the victory.

After the match, Carlito spits in the face of his brother, who apparently don’t want to be cool.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talk about Edge’s injury and what could happen with the Unified Tag Team Championships.

Still to come, Legacy take on Triple H, John Cena, and Seth Green.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WWE Rewind:  Hornswoggle defeated Chavo Guerrero on Superstars last Thursday.

Hornswoggle is hanging out with somebody his own size backstage.  Seth Green tells him tonight it’s going to be Chavo vs. Hornswoggle, and Chavo will have one arm tied behind his back.  The Big Show shows up, and Green asks him for advice.  Show says to watch his match with Evan Bourne and see how guys his size fare in the WWE.  He then says he’ll give some advice to Green, but it’ll cost him… One Million Dollars muwahahahahahahaha.

MVP makes his way to the ring for action.  His opponent is the guy who just a week ago said he wouldn’t fight him, Jack Swagger.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

A very entertaining match that sees Swagger drop MVP with the gutwrench powerbomb (or, as our good friend Green Teabagger calls it, The All-American American’s All-American American Americanator!) for the victory.  I’d write more about it, but I’m still eating my meal from that stupid Diva thing earlier in the night.

Chris Jericho is carrying a folder and walking toward the ring.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

We know some of you may be eating, but here, enjoy these graphic pictures of Edge’s surgery on his Achille’s Tendon.

And now,  please welcome his tag team partner, Chris Jericho!

Jericho says that for the first time in WWE history, the Unified Tag Team Champions are held by one man, and it’s appropriate that that man is the best in the world today, Chris Jericho.  He finds it ironic that both Edge and Achilles were great warriors for their time and were taken down by injuries to their Achilles heel.  Jericho lists Edge’s injuries and claims he was taking a chance by taking Edge on as a partner.  It’s not fair to Jericho that he should have to suffer for Edge’s faults.  He’s not giving up his titles.  He’s got a contract with him that says that if Edge is injured, Jericho could chose a new tag team partner and remain tag team champion.  Before Night of Champions, he’ll pick a devious, cunning partner who is worthy of being in the ring with Jericho, and he’ll also be a truthful, honest man.

Somebody gonna get they ass kicked…

Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, smiling.  He enters, and Jericho smiles back.  He says Henry is impressive, and just the type of partner Jericho had in mind.  Henry puts his arm around Jericho and tells him that they could do unbelievable things.  He asks Orlando if they think they’d be a good team.  Henry says that he’s not out here to be his partner.  Jericho’s look of confidence turns to a look of fear, and Henry tells him he’s out here to be his opponent.

Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho via count-out

Henry tears the suit off of Chris Jericho and tosses him around like a rag doll.  Jericho takes some time outside the ring to regroup – and to take off his tie.  He stalls as the fans chant “you suck.”  He finally gets in the ring and the match officially starts.  Henry tosses Jericho around as the announcers theorize that this is punishment for Jericho’s attitude with guest host Seth Green earlier.  Jericho gets knocked down, and hightails it out of there, getting counted out in the process, much like Cody Rhodes last week.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Hornswoggle is here and ready for his match with Chavo Guerrero, who will have one hand tied behind his back.

Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero

Ugh.  Hornswoggle used a stinkface.  Chavo goes for a one armed suplex, but Hornswoggle rolled him up for the pin instead.

Randy Orton is proud of Ted DiBiase for slapping his dad last week.  DiBiase says he never wants to be like his old man.  He’ll be better.  Cody Rhodes says that his father might be the guest host last week, and unlike some people he has a great relationship with is dad.  Orton instructs his Legacy mates to not touch Seth Green in this match, because Orton wants him for himself.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Kofi Kingston is on his way to the ring to do commentary for the following matchup.  Evan Bourne is out first for this matchup, and his opponent is The Big Show.

Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show

Show dominates, with a little of Evan Bourne offense.  Show hits a huge spear and locks in the Camel Clutch for the victory.

Show refuses to break the hold, but Kofi Kingston runs into the ring to make the safe.  Kofi will face Big Show this Thursday on Superstars.

The Robot Chicken Star Wars Episode II DVD comes out next week.  They show a clip, which I seriously wish was a clip from the first Star Wars episode with Hulk Hogan voicing Abe Lincoln against Jedi George Bush.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

We get a rundown of the Night of Champions card.

Backstage, Santino is playing with action figures, making his own figure knock out the Iron Shiek and kiss Trish Stratus.  He asks Seth Green for a job on his show, “Electric Poultry.”  Cena and Triple H join them and Santino leaves.  Cena tells Green that if he abandons them he’ll beat him up.  Triple H tells him it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, yadda yadda yadda.  Cena and Triple H argue over who’s going to watch out for Green, and Cena says it doesn’t matter who protects him, he’s gonna get killed anyway.  Triple H agrees.

Michael Cole reveals next week’s guest hosts for Monday Night RAW.  That’s right, I said hosts, plural.  They are…. ZZ TOP!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

(Thanks to Mr. Random Randomness, JT for covering the rest of the show)

Legacy Comes out first, we get reminded that Orton wants Seth Green to himself (like that’s really gonna happen).  Seth Green comes out to “Welcome To The Jungle.”  I wonder if Axl knows WWE is using his song.  HHH out next. He spits water, it’s supposed to be cool or something. He’s also like a foot taller than Seth. Oh yeah he’s also on the cover of some muscle magazine.  Cena out last to mostly cheers, he now has John Deere looking gear.  Michael Cole says “this is what it’s all about.”  Sorry Cole it really isn’t.  We then go to a…

Commercial Break- The Taco Bell Bacon Potato Burrito is pretty good, you should try it. The G.I. Joe movie looks awesome, too bad I’ll be out of town when it comes out. 🙁

Legacy def. John Cena, Triple H, and Seth Green via disqualification

• We come back and the match has already started with HHH dominating (shocker).
• 1st pin attempt- 2 count
• Tag to Cena
• Continues to dominate
• 2nd pin attempt- 2 count
• Tag to Green- punches Rhodes in the face knocking him down
• Outside the ring HHH knocks Rhodes down
• Tag to Cena- Back Body drop
• Orton takes Cena out while the ref’s back is turned.
• Orton now dominating
• Orton 1st pin attempt- 2 count
• Orton stomps on Cena
• Dibiase & Rhodes double team Cena while Ref’s back is turned
• Rhodes gets a full nelson on Cena- Cena fights out of it, but is knocked down
• Double tag
• HHH dominates Orton, then he goes after Rhodes & DiBiase
• Match gets out of control
• Orton RKO’s HHH
• Goes for a pin, Seth Green breaks it up
• Orton then attacks Green
• Orton goes for The Randy Orton Super Magic Mega Kick of Final Ultimate Death!!! (TM Green Teabagger) but is stopped by Cena
• Cena goes after Orton, but is stopped but legacy who attack him until HHH makes the save with a sledgehammer, getting their team DQed
• HHH bumps into Cena with the sledgehammer, but it has no effect.
• HHH and Cena come face to face but Seth Green comes between them and they raise each others hands.

We fade to black with Legacy at the top of the ramp and Cena and HHH with Seth Green on hos shoulders standing tall in the ring.

My Thoughts: Seth Green should not be wrestling.  Guest hosting is one thing, but getting involved in a professional wrestling match is another.  The wrestlers are trained professionals, and as Edge’s latest injury has proven, even they get severely hurt doing what they do for a living.  Seth Green is not a wrestler.  Seth Green is an actor – one who’s work I actually enjoy.  He’s got no business getting into the ring in a wrestling capacity.  Look, I’m all for this guest host thing.  I like it, it gives RAW an air of mainstream acceptance, and sure, Seth Green actually wrestling on Monday Night RAW will probably get some TMZ or Entertainment Tonight coverage, but is it really worth risking the poor guy’s health and career to have him step in and participate in something he’s not extensively trained to do?

Why aren’t Legacy complaining about not knowing who they have to face at Night of Champions?  That fits their characters, even if their opponents are also heels.  Hell, I don’t think Rhodes and DiBiase were even mentioned in Chris Jericho’s promo about the Unified Tag Team Championship match at Night of Champions, and they’re the challengers.

This show just wasn’t very good.  I just hope that ZZ Top don’t jump in and challenge DiBiase and Rhodes to a Night of Champions warm up match next week.

Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!