Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE Raw results 8/3/09

For what it’s worth, I’d rather be doing ANYTHING than watching RAW tonight. I’d rather watch a marathon of Sasha Baron Cohen movies. I’d rather watch Grease and Grease 2. I’d rather watch all 200 episodes of iMPACT! Hell, I’d rather play the iMPACT video game. But alas, I sit through the boring crap that is RAW because it’s been my Monday routine for the last 15 1/2 years.  Don’t get me wrong, I still love professional wrestling, I’m just so bored with RAW right now, which is why I slept through the show last week (and thank you to Legend Killer for filling in for me.)  Anyways, tonight’s show is hosted by Jeremy Piven of Entourage, and we’ve got a handicapped match featuring Triple H burying taking on Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.

RAW kicks off with Lillian Garcia introducing this weeks guest host, Jeremy Piven, who pulls up in a firebird.  He opens up the trunk, and some dude in a leopard print jacket with the tag still attached comes out.  Apparently the guy is Dr. Ken from The Hangover, which JT tells me is hilarious.  Piven says he’s always wanted to do this, then he runs up the ramp, points to the sky, and pyro goes off behind him.  He says it’ll be like July 4th, all night long.  Tonight, it’ll be Triple H against Legacy.  The Miz’s music hits (the Miz loves Entourage, btw).  He asks Piven if he’s having fun with his little pimp and enjoying making a mockery of this show.  The Miz says he’s an acclaimed TV star, which causes Dr. Ken to start laughing hysterically.  Piven asks if it’s “Le Miz.”  Piven explains that they’re just trying to promote “The Goods.”  He makes fun of The Miz’s Real World experience and tells him he doesn’t have the goods.  After some more boring back and forth, The Miz demands a match with John Cena.  Cena’s music hits and the number one contender makes his way to the ring.  Cena says that he beat The Miz in two minutes last week, but since the WWE Universe has already seen this, they know The Miz isn’t that good.  Plus he’s got a face for radio.  The Miz is a 1979 rusted out Ford Pinto.  Cena tells Piven to make a match between himself and The Miz interesting (here’s an idea – put The Miz over, dammit!).  Cena plugs the shit out of Piven’s new movie.  Piven says that tonight it’s going to be The Miz and John Cena in a lumberjack match.  WTF is the point of that?!?  It’s not like The Miz got counted out or anything.  If The Miz loses, he’ll be banned from “The Summerfest.”  Which Cena corrects as SummerSlam.  In fact, if Miz loses, he’ll be banned from The Staples Center for life.  Cena makes a suggestion to Piven, who says that if The Miz loses, he’ll be permanently banned from WWE RAW for all eternity.

Later tonight, Triple H takes on Legacy.  God this show has sucked so far.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WWE REWIND: RAW didn’t suck this bad last week.  And Evan Bourne beat Jack Swagger.

Evan Bourne makes his way to the ring with his cool new theme music.  His opponent tonight is once again the All American American Jack Swagger.

Jack Swagger def. Evan Bourne

Evan Bourne is the best move seller since Rob Van Dam.  Swagger picks up the win easily with the Gutwrench Powerbomb.

After the match, Swagger hits Bourne with two Vader Bombs.  He goes for another Gutwrench Powerbomb, but MVP runs out to make the save.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WWE got a lot of mainstream publicity over Shaq’s appearance last week.  This week I’d be surprised if they don’t get made fun of on The Soup.

Jeremy Piven is boring the shit out of me in his office.  Big Show demands a match with Shaq tonight.  Piven makes fun of Show, and Show asks for a match with him instead.  Piven offers up a shot at the United States Championship, which Show accepts.  Then Dr. Ken annoys the piss out of me for another 2 minutes.

Gail Kim and Mickie James make their way to the ring.  You know what that means?  That’s right, our weekly multi-diva clusterf*#@ is NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

We’re then “treated” to a sneak preview of “The Goods,” which looked somewhat entertaining, but now I won’t be going to see it because this is the worst episode of RAW in the 16 1/2 years this show’s been on the air.

Gail Kim and Mickie James are finally introduced, and so are their opponents, Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall.

Beth Phoenix & Jillian def. Gail Kim & Mickie James

I refuse to review this crap.  Beth Phoenix pinned Gail Kim.

Last week on RAW: Triple H was thwarted in the Beat The Clock challenge by Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.  He’s got a handicapped match with them, NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes make their way out to the ring, ready to be squashed by take on The Game.  Triple H hits the ring and we’re ready for more boring, predictable Monday Night RAW action.

Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase def. Triple H!

Ugh.  I hope like hell that Legacy wins here.  It would be unexpected and at least give this show some glimmer of hope.  It’s not going to happen, I’m sure, but it would be nice.  Triple H went for a Pedigree on Rhodes, but DiBiase hit Dream Street from behind!  Guess what happened next – that’s right, Triple H kicked out.  Rhodes then hit the Cross Rhodes, and…  and… LEGACY F*#^ING WON!  HOLY SH!T!

Triple H takes the microphone and says “that hurt.  That did not go as I planned.”  He then says that he doesn’t get it.  Is it just that Legacy is that good?  They keep beating him every which way he turns.  Maybe they’re too much for him.  Maybe they’re that tough.  Triple H used to be good at the gang warfare stuff.  Maybe he should start another group.  Maybe he’ll bring one back.  Maybe he’ll bring back Evolution.  Nah.  That won’t work, since Randy’s a jerk and Batista’s hurt all the time, and Flair’s signing autographs at a VFW somewhere.  Maybe Trips has a better idea.  Maybe he’ll just make one phone call, and if you’re not down with that, he’s got two words for ya.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Chavo Guerrero enters Jeremy Piven’s locker room.  You know, if somebody cancels RAW after this episode, I wouldn’t blame them.  Anyways, guess what happens?  Piven makes a match between Chavo and Hornswoggle.  But guess what?!?  Chavo doesn’t have to have hands tied behind his back or be blindfolded or anything.

Sideshow Carlito is here.  He turned on his brother a few weeks back.  Speaking of his brother…

Carlito def. Primo

Shouldn’t this have been built up to a PPV match? Whatever.   I just don’t care about this show anymore.  Jeremy Piven has sucked what little life RAW had left out of it.  Carlito gets the win with the Backstabber.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Chavo Guerrero hits the ring, and last week he was beaten for the fourth straight time by Hornswoggle.  Jeremy Piven says that Hornswoggle got “adult chicken pox” and couldn’t make it.  Instead, they got his cousin, Mark Swoggle to take his place.  Mark Henry makes his way to the ring in a bright red singlet (HEY!  KOOL-AID!) and a little green hat.

Mark Swoggle def. Chavo Guerrero

Henry beats Guerrero with a World’s Strongest Slam in a battle of former ECW Champions.

After the match, Henry lifts up the ring apron and Hornswoggle comes out, miraculously cured of his “adult chicken pox.”  Henry moves Chavo over towards the corner, and Hornswoggle hits the tadpole splash.  Henry and Horny put their hats back on and they dance.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Piven tells a pissed off WWE Champion that he can be the guest ring announcer for the main event.  Orton tells him what we’ve been thinking all night:  “I don’t care about your movie.”  Orton threatens to kick Piven and Dr. Ken in the skull.  PLEASE DO IT RANDY!  PLEASE!!

Kofi Kingston is the United States Champion.  For now.  The Big Show is one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions.  They’re wrestling each other for Kofi’s belt.  Show comes to the ring to the mashup music between his and Jericho’s music, and in fact accompanied by his tag team partner.

Kofi Kingston def. The Big Show via disqualification

Big Show tosses Kofi around like a rag doll, as Chris Jericho provides commentary.  Show beats the hell out of Kofi Kingston, earning himself the disqualification.

Jericho tells Kofi he’s nothing as the Unified Tag Team Champions stand tall.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

ThinkSoJoE note: The rest of this review is brought to you by a much better guest host than Jeremy Piven – You guys know her best as the Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess!

Triple H gets on the phone in the locker room. We all know who he’s talking to. He talks for a bit, and makes a comment about the person on the other end of the line not doing jobs. Oh, these whacky insider jokes that non-wrestlers aren’t supposed to understand, or else the wrestlers who make them get angry! The person says that he doesn’t and isn’t watching RAW. We are jealous. He asks, “Are you ready?” The person hangs up and we hear a dead line tone. Trips looks unhappy.

Cole and Lawler pimp Jeremy Piven’s upcoming movie, “The Goods.” Another clip plays from it.

Lillian announces the lumberjack match. John Cena enters first. We go to commercial.

We return from commercial break.

The Miz enters. Jeremy Piven and Annoying Asian Guy stand on the ramp. Piven tells Cena that he’s a fan. But he’s a bigger fan of Randy Orton. Piven has hand-picked each lumberjack himself. Randy Orton enters, title belt on shoulder. Both members of Legacy. Carlito. Chris Masters. Chavo Guerrero. Jack Swagger. Plus Piven and Annoying Asian Guy.

Miz starts with a flurry of punches and drives Cena into a corner. Cena throws him out and bulldogs him. Miz is thrown out of the ring, and Chavo helps him. Legacy distract Cena. Masters locks Cena in the Master Lock on the floor. Cena fades. Masters drops Cena on the floor. Cena gets rolled back into the ring. Miz levels Cena, and puts the boots to him in the corner. Cena knocks Miz down with a shoulder. Cena flattens Miz entirely. Orton pulls the ropes down and Cena hits the floor. Orton runs Cena back-first into the ring apron, then throws him into the steps. Legacy stomps Cena. Cena is triple-teamed by Orton and Legacy. Dr. Ken hands Miz his cane. Miz tries to hit Cena with it, but misses. Cena gets the win with an Attitude Adjustment on Miz after an instant revival. Jeremy Piven climbs to the top turnbuckle. He leaps off and Cena catches him. Dr. Ken hits Cena with his cane, to no reaction. Cena drops Piven. He makes nice with Cena, but Cena throws him over the top rope to the floor.

This means that The Miz is now banned from the “Summerslam” ppv entirely, and is banned from Monday Night RAW forever.

The end.

TSJ’s Thoughts: I’m hard pressed to think of a worse RAW than this one.  16 1/2 years, and I can’t think of a worse episode of RAW.  There have been horrible segments throughout the history of this program, but never an entire show as bad as this one.  VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow.com’s Green Teabagger seemed excited that Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken were hosting this week’s RAW, and after the opening segment annoyed the hell out of me, I started to wonder if I just don’t get today’s entertainment – but then the entire forum over at WorldWrestlingInsanity.com converged to talk about how bad this show was, including G-Bag himself.

Evan Bourne, Chavo Guerrero, and Kofi Kingston were physically buried by larger opponents.  Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase beat Triple H and were still verbally buried by him after the match.  The Miz, who has been by far the highlight of RAW since he came over in the draft, is now banned from RAW forever.  Yep, things sure seem to be getting better on Monday Nights (</sarcasm>).

The Miz has an opportunity looming on the horizon.  He never had a proper feud with John Morrison following the breakup of their tag team.  If The Miz heads to SmackDown, where John Morrison doesn’t really have much going on other than waiting for Jeff Hardy and CM Punk to finish up their feud, he’s got an instant storyline.  Even if he winds up back on ECW, it’s still better than getting verbally and physically buried by John Cena every week.  There’s that word again – buried.

Look, I’ve been watching Monday Night Raw since it premiered in January of 1993.  This has been, for 16 1/2 years, my favorite TV show, but lately there’s only two things really keeping me watching.  The first thing keeping me watching is the fact that I review the show here at BoredWrestlingFan.  The second thing that keeps me watching is that I know the wrestling business is cyclical.  The last time professional wrestling was as stale as it is right now, Eric Bischoff came along and one of the hottest angles in the history of the business, the nWo, was born.  A major change is in the air at a major wrestling company, and with it, there’s a chance that we can find wrestling’s next “golden boy.”  Perhaps if WWE can perceive TNA as actual competition, they may start to put on better shows.

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