Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW Review – 3/30/09

We’re on the final stretch of the Road to WrestleMania.  There’s just a little bit more scenery to take in before we hit the exit ramp and head to Reliant Stadium for the biggest show of them all.  Speaking of The Big Show, he’s taking on John Cena tonight!  What else is happening?  I guess you’ll find out when I will!

Full RAW results, after the jump!

A casket is pulls into the arena to start the show.

RAW just wants to be loved, and so do the WWE Divas, apparently, as there’s NINE of them heading to the ring.  I’m not even going to bother putting the time and effort into naming them all, especially since there’s NINE MORE in the ring.

Nine wastes of tv time Divas def. Nine other wastes of tv time Divas

This was a huge clusterf*@k right from the start and it’s all to build up to the 25 Diva battle royal at WrestleMania.  In the end it was some blonde pinning some brunette.  Let’s say it was ECW’s Tiffany pinning ECW’s Katie Lea.

After the match, Santino Marella comes to the ring and proclaims he wants equal rights.  He says that he’s not going to beat up the Divas in the ring, but he is going to beat their brains in – in a swimsuit competition!  Santino reveals a Borat style man-kini before the Divas toss him from the ring.  Beth tries to cover him up as they head to the back.

Hey, remember last week when Randy Orton handcuffed Triple H to the ropes, then DDTed Stephanie and kissed her in front of The Game?!?  You do?  Well too bad, you’re going to watch it again anyway.

Later tonight, Randy Orton’s WrestleMania Address.  But up next, Jerry “The King” Lawler takes on Chris Jericho!

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Hey, remember last week when Chris Jericho beat the crap out of Ric Flair and broke his watch?  Yeah, so do I.  Let’s watch it again!

Chris Jericho def. Jerry “The King” Lawler

Lawler is still convincing in the ring.  Even though I know better, when Jerry Lawler steps in the ring, I always feel like there’s a chance he’s going to win.  He didn’t get completely annihilated here, but he still wound up tapping out in the Walls of Jericho.

After the match, Jericho tries slapping The King around, but Lawler decks Jericho with a right.  Jericho retreats, taking a microphone with him.  Lawler invites Jericho back in the ring, but Jericho says forget it.  He already beat Lawler.  It’s not a question about how he’s going to beat Snuka, Steamboat, and Piper at ‘Mania, it’s a matter of how badly he’s going to beat them.  He wants to remind us that he didn’t start it, Mickey Rourke did.  Because he called out Jericho and didn’t follow through, his three friends will meet their demise at the hands of Chris Jericho.

John Cena had a new movie come out this past Friday.  Did you see it?  No?  Well, don’t worry, nobody else did either.

Later on tonight, John Cena takes on The Big Show

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Two weeks ago, John Cena got knocked the f*#k out by The Big Show.  One week ago, Edge got knocked the f*#k out by The Big Show.   This week, Todd Grisham is backstage with John Cena.

Before Grisham can ask a question, Edge walks into the room with his big shiny gold belt.  He says Cena’s got no chance at ‘Mania.  Show knocked both of them out over the last two weeks.  If they work together though, they can take him out and fight each other for the World Heavyweight Championship.  If they don’t do that, they’re sitting ducks.  Cena agrees, but he doesn’t care.  He doesn’t like Edge and he doesn’t trust him.  He’d rather lose on his own than win with his help.  He’s not worried about that though, he’s going to WrestleMania to take the World Heavyweight Championship.

Michael Cole is all by himself, and he tells us that later on, Orton is going to deliver his WrestleMania address.  What is he going to say?  Let’s ask Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase.  They give us some vague talk about the WWE changing forever.

We see the hearse again, and this time they take a casket out of it.  They open it up, and Shawn Michaels, with a huge booger in his nose, says…  well, we can’t hear him.

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Some skank from some skank band is going to be at WrestleMania.  Aren’t you excited!?!

Before the break, HBK asked if we were expecting someone else in the casket.  Apparently The Undertaker was going to have a funeral for HBK, but HBK turned the tables.

Jerry Lawler comes back to the announce table, and a midget in a Rey Mysterio mask follows him out.  Oh wait – that’s really Rey Mysterio, who takes on JBL at WrestleMania.  And also, he takes him on right now.  JBL explains that he’s trying to get into Rey’s head by beating him tonight.  Guess what happens.  Go on, guess.

Rey Mysterio def. JBL

That’s right.  JBL wanted to prove a point to Rey Rey, but a 619 later and Mysterio may have just proven a point to JBL instead.

Up next, it’s John Cena vs. The Big Show.

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WrestleMania Moment: WrestleMania XI:  Bam Bam Bigelow was somehow defeated by Lawrence Taylor.

The Dallas Cowboys are in the audience.  Lawler asks where T.O. is.  Cole reminds him that TO is in “Upstate New York.”  You know what, Michael Cole?  As much as I hate T.O. and the rest of the Buffalo Bills, it’s “WESTERN” New York, you stupid shit.

John Cena heads down to the ring.  He’s got some aggression to get out of his system, because his movie bombed Big Show knocked him out two weeks ago.  The Big Show’s got some aggression to get out, too, simply because Captain Insano shows no mercy!

Big Show def. John Cena

Show looks dominant going in to WrestleMania.  Hell, he just beat John Cena cleanly with a Chokeslam!

After the match, Edge comes in through the crowd and beats the crap out of John Cena.  Edge looks back at The Big Show with a crazy look in his eyes.

Later tonight, Randy Orton’s WrestleMania address.  Right now though, let’s watch HBK’s promo – and subsequent escape from The Undertaker – this past Friday on SmackDown.  Speaking of HBK, he’s leading a progression of pallbearers – not to be confused with Paul Bearer – toward the arena.

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Remember before the break when The Big Show beat John Cena?  Well, pretend you don’t, because we get to see it again.

The Undertaker’s music is playing, the blue lights are on, and a casket is in the ring.  The music turns to that of Shawn Michaels, who makes his way down to the faux wake in the ring.  Next to the casket are pictures of a triumphant HBK standing over The Undertaker on different occasions.  The music switches back to that of The Undertaker’s.  HBK is a man unafraid.  The whole procession, it’s not for him, it’s for The Undertaker’s WrestleMania streak.  HBK’s never lost to The Undertaker.  Taker’s done a lot, but he’s never managed to beat HBK.  Over the past several weeks, HBK’s Superkicked The Undertaker, he’s treaded on the hallowed grounds of his victim’s graves, and this past Friday, he showed how his light will forever outshine Undertaker’s darkness, and he’s done it without the slightest bit of concequence.  Not a hint of retribution.  HBK flings open the casket to show us that Taker isn’t in it.  There will be no retribution.  Taker says he uses ‘Mania to show the world what he represents.  HBK takes the fact that Undertaker doesn’t think he can end the undefeated streak as a personal insult.  Every moment over the past 24 years will pale in comparison to what HBK achieves.  The next day, they’ll talk about the world title, the WWE Championship, they’ll speak of legends and ladders and 70,000 people, but the one moment that will last forever will be when Shawn Michaels pins The Undertaker.   The bell tolls and the lights go out.  When they come back on, it’s Undertaker in the ring, but Shawn Michaels is nowhere to be found.  Taker destroys the props around the casket, then realizes that HBK must be inside of it.  He raises the lid, poised to strike, but alas, no HBK.  When Taker turns around in frustration, HBK crawls out from underneath and nails Undertaker with Sweet Chin Music!

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Before the break… ah, you can look up above the break.  You’re not stupid.

This Saturday night at 10PM on USA, it’s the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony.  Also this Saturday night, JT’s and my favorite band of all time, Metallica, will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

We get a rundown of the WrestleMania card.

Backstage, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase are confering with security.

In the arena, the Money In The Bank briefcase is hanging above the ring.  You know what that means – another 8 man clusterf*#k.  Sure enough, one by one, the MitB participants head to the ring for an 8 man battle royal.  Which is NEXT!

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I hate reviewing battle royals.  It’s hard to keep up sometimes.  Finlay gets eliminated first by Mark Henry, who was distracted by Hornswoggle long enough to get dumped out by everybody else himself.  Kane took out MVP and Shelton Benjamin who were battling on the apron.  CM Punk eliminated Kofi Kingston.  Kane then tosses Punk at Christian, who is standing on the apron, sending both men crashing to the floor to win.

After the match, Kane climbs the ladder and grabs the briefcase, symbolizing that he thinks he’s going to win at ‘Mania.

Backstage, Orton and Rhodes knock on Goldberg’s Orton’s door.  Orton’s WrestleMania address is NEXT!

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Kid Rock is performing at WrestleMania 25 for some reason.

Randy Orton hears voices in his head.  They’re apparently telling him which way the ring is, because that’s where he’s heading.  Somebody gives him a microphone, and he says that at the age of 24 he became the youngest World Champion in the history of the WWE.  It was the greatest moment in his life, but it was short lived.  The next night on RAW, the man he thought was his friend turned on him in a fit of jealous rage.  Let’s go to the videotape!  That night, everything started to fall into place.  The Game ruined his life, and he decided to ruin Triple H’s.  He had to wait.  He had to form a group, he had to find something Triple H cared about more than the WWE Championship.  His quest began in January when he eliminated Triple H to win the Royal Rumble.  He earned the right to face Triple H and take his title at WrestleMania, but it wasn’t enough.  He had to raise the stakes.  He had to take everything away from Triple H that he cared about, so he chose his family – the most powerful family in the WWE, the McMahons.  Vince, Shane, and Triple H’s wife Stephanie.  Back to the videotape!  Almost five years after Triple H turned on Orton, he RKO’d his wife.  He wants to make something clear – he knew exactly what he was doing the entire time.  I.E.D.?  Nope.  He knew what he was doing the entire time.   He knew Triple H would retaliate.  He did, he took a sledgehammer to Rhodes and DiBiase, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to take to make Triple H feel confident so he’d let his guard down, which would allow Orton to handcuff Triple H to the ropes and DDT Stephanie before planting a kiss on her.  Let’s go to the videotape – again!  Every time Triple H and Orton lock up, every time Triple H tries to throw a punch, he’ll see the man who DDTed his wife and kissed her.  If he brings a sledgehammer, well, too bad.  It will be an automatic disqualification, and interim GM Vickie Guerrero says that the title will change hands on a countout or disqualification in this match.  When Orton takes the WWE Championship, the landscape of the WWE  will change.  A limo pulls into the arena, and Orton asks for the lights to be turned on and calls for his Legacy brothers and the security guards to come to the ring.  Backstage, the limo doors are open and nobody is in it.  Orton calls out Triple H, saying that if it’s him, he’ll take him out tonight…

No chance….

Mr. McMahon is here and he means business!  He takes off his tie, rolls up his sleeve, and…

Here comes the money….

Shane McMahon joins him on the stage!  Vince points toward the entrance, and…

It’s time to play the game…

Triple H joins his Father-In-Law and Brother-In-Law.  A look of terror washes over Orton’s face.  The McMahons and the WWE Champion easily dispose of the security guards, then hit the ring to face off with Legacy.  Legacy try to cut them off, but it’s the McMahons and Triple H that have the upper hand!  Orton and Triple H stumble into the ring and brawl as RAW goes off the air!

My thoughts: Well, apparently we’re going to have to watch ECW to catch the end of the Triple H/Randy Orton brawl.  Orton’s promo was great, but the return of Vince and Shane McMahon was a complete surprise.  The good kind of surprise.

Speaking of good kinds of surprises, HBK completely getting the best of The Undertaker throughout this whole feud has been a nice surprise.  They stole the show again tonight, much like they’ll do on Sunday.

Paint Fingers says she’s going to be scarred for life at the thought of Santino in a Man-kini.  I’m sure a lot of people will.

I seriously just can’t wait for Sunday!

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