Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 03/08/13

Long week, and kind of a sad one. But no need to divulge in that crap, since Smackdown is on… and frankly, I’m tired and thereby, lazy. So grab some industrial sized springs, yeah those ones with the sharp ends. Jam them into the soles of your feet and proceed to turn them into your foot until they come out of the top because it’s hopping time!

…or flippy floppy time?

Yawn.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

In Memory of
WILLIAM MOODY
“PAUL BEARER”
1954 – 2013

– Just before I begin my review, the following pops up in my facebook feed from BWF’s very first wrestler interview, Johnny Gargano:

Flo Rida was there?

– Transplanted-Radio-Transmitter-Inside-My-Head-Guy tells us me that Randy Marsh and Tall Kind of Fat Guy are being encircled by Norton AntiVirus which doesn’t prevent an Irish Immigrant from entering it’s borders, fella, and running ramshackle and rioting, uprooting their irrational raid on RAW. Jackie Gleason is seen spreading his ectoplasm on Jam Digging, Sawdust Slather, and Depeche Mode. They succumb to Gleason’s ability to see the Magic Eye Picture dangling from the rafters until Desi Arnez runs in and spoils the party. We’re also told that Dirk Nowitzki beat out Garett Bishoff and Cesar Gracie in WWE Creative voting for who would face Desi tonight… maybe. It’s a match hand-jobbed by the WWE Universe. I hope they all used sanitizer, eh Jorge?

Alnge niadled ti rithg on teh haed.

– Micheal Cole is filling in tonight as JBL being coming around the mountain, when she comes. Don’t blow your load, Bradshaw. Them rocks get slippery!

– Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter kick off the show with some propaganda talk. Coulter asks all of us to admit something to ourselves, that we share the patriotism and whatnot. Not me, I’m a Canadian. We’re, YOU, are afraid to admit that illegal immigrants took our jobs, etc. He wants to rewrite a new bill of rights for legal citizens. “I’m drawing a line in the sand,” yells a rehearsed Swagger, “And I’m taking America back!” Enter Ric-Rod! And ADR. Del Rio has the solution, and shows a video parody of Ric-Rod playing Coulter and ADR playing Jack Swagger. Fucking funny shit! Essentially, it’s a poke at fat Americans not being able to handle Mexican food, and taking a potshot at “real” American food like Italy’s pizza and French Freedom Fries. I LOL’d. I’ll admit it. I go to the fridge to grab some walrus blubber, maple syrup, back bacon, poutine, and a Tim Horton’s coffee.

I made this. Because I can. Ahh… the good old days, in another promotion.

– * Non-Title Match: Team Hell No {C} vs. 3MB. This match is basically the numbers game as 3MB’s isolate Bryan in the corner preventing a tag. You know this story. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “You spoiler dick, G! I’ve never seen this before.” I use my Jiffy Marker filled with ink made of lies, and write on my television, “You fucking liar.” J.T. puts his Troll face on. Kane gets in and turns the tide allowing Bryan to lock a No-Lock on Heath Slater. Some random fan runs through the lower left of the screen. His head appears to have no skin on it screaming something about something. Who cares? Oh, J.T.. You so silly. Team Friendship FTW.

@Charles Barkley @G: “You’re lucky I even talk to you, G. Sports Illustrated ranked me as the second ost powerful person in sports media.”

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/more/news/20130306/most-powerful-people-sports-media/
@G @Charles Barkley: “Second, huh? So basically you’re a loser, then?”

– Martian Strike! interviews Spaghetti-hair, Dolph Ziggler, about his match with ADR tonight. Ziggler promises to make history tonight and then sucks the face off of A.J. J.T. sneaks in and puts another human face mask on and then skips off. No one can tell the difference.

– Mark Henry and Ryback stare at each other backstage and then also make out. J.T. is seen watching, hoping for another face to add to his collection. Nope. The two men just peck and cop a feel. Normal casual stuff.

– For some reason, Brad Maddox joins commentary as we show RAW clips of the winner of the hair versus hair match between HHH and The Undertaker at last year’s WrestleMania. You know, the bald guy. He’s facing that guy who is represented by Paul Heyman.

– Damien Sandow is in the ring:

“Tonight, I… the intellectual savior of the unwashed masses, will face a barbaric brute. The man that Darwin’s theory of evolution forgot. SILENCE! A man.. who instead of filling his soul with literature and the arts… is more than content, with feeding his…”

FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE!

– * Ryback vs. Damien Sandow – As the match starts, Maddox’s presence is question, and he retorts that he is here to replace JBL and questions, “Why is [JBL] climbing a mountain?!?! IS HE OK!?!? WE SHOULD CHECK ON HIM!!!” The bickering between Maddox and Cole is priceless, as Brad totally trolls the announce team. J.T. sneaks over and high-fives him as they exchange face-souveniers of their respective victims like duplicate baseball trading cards between kids at recess. Wait, what? Meanwhile, Sandow resumes his Brooklyn Brawler role to put over relevant WM29 wrestlers as WWE creative incessantly scrambles to decide what the fuck the undercard at the PPV will be. The bell rings as Ryback lands The Shellshock in about 3 minutes. WAY TOO SHORT. I could have watched Sandow carry Mr. Hungry and listen to Maddox all day. Oh well. Decent for what it was.

‘Nuff said.

– RAW clips of The Shield’s attack on RAW play, I go to FFW through it, and WHAM!!!! I take a puck to the face like Mark Staal of the New York Rangers! “Time to put on a visor, pretty boy!” whispers my secret assailant, as he pulls my hockey sweater up over my head and pummels me six times in the face. “GET RID OF STAGED FIGHTS!” I scream in response as I fall to the ice, not even questioning why my apartment floor is covered with frozen water (or the subsequent Zamboni driving around in the small bachelor suite). I do live in Canada, after all. “CAR!” shouts Jorge from my balcony, mistaking said Zamboni for a car. “Suspension’s over,” whispers my attacker, “Let Shanahan know Team Alpha is back.” I lie on the ice looking for the Chiclets that were once teeth as Jorge and Joe drive off on the Zamboni and hose me down with Canada Dry Ginger Ale for good measure. Fuckers.

– Martian Strike! asks Big Show about getting triple power bombed by Team Beta, The Shield, on Old School RAW on Monday. Show is asked what his deal with Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt is, Show answers like an NHL hockey player, basically saying nothing, then looks off reflective like WWE creative has nothing for him. They don’t.

– A Fandango promo airs. Nobody cares.

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Dolph Ziggler. Fuck you WWE. You know why. Anyways, the shit gets real as the men exchange spots, and then Ric-Rod douses Dat Ass A.J. with the spit bucket. See, he wanted to splash Biggie Smalls with the spit bucket, but Smalls died after being shot by Tupac’s people and ducked by default leaving A.J. prone to get wet. She looks to beat off Ric-Rod (JUST FOR YOU, JOE, YOU PERVERT), but he runs away like Mexican food runs through fat American’s digestive system. Bon Jovi’s, “Slippery When Wet” is shown on the screen because NONE OF THE MATCH IN THE RING IS SHOWN FOR THE MAJORITY OF THIS SEGMENT. Also, it’s a non-title match. Commercials and shit.

– We’re back, and I’m trying to watch this while juggling BWF Radio stuff LIVE SUNDAY AT 2PM EST (hit up boredwrestlingfan.com for details). Now we are getting wrestling, and it’s pretty decent. ADR lands a nice second rope inverted suplex from the second rope on a defenseless Ziggler from the third rope, and both men are laid out. After ADR hits a suspended “backstabber” on Ziggler, Maddox notes, “Michael, remind me to fire you.” Before the Lawler incident, I would have agreed. CALL IT SOMETHING DIFFERENT. FUCK. Anyways,
After getting rid of the Tomfoolery around the outside of the ring, this was the marquee match up of Smackdown, and if you watch anything, this is the one. ADR wins with the ARMBREAKER! No surprise, but this was a solid bout.

– Backstage, Daniel Bryan speaks with A.J. Bryan mocks A.J., still holding a grudge for being left at the altar. A.J. doesn’t care about Bryan’s mockery of her because Dolph has the MitB briefcase which means he gets jobbed out every week as a result. Bryan points out he actually won the title too. The IWC weeps sadly over the reality that if you hold the US, IC, or MitB briefcase, you will lose every match you are in as a rule. Saint Peter kills himself and comes back to life, and screams “SWERVE!” Then we do kegstands again. But sadly, this time he dies for real and is trapped in purgatory. Kind of a sad outcome. “Oh well,” I say out loud to my couch, “At least I’M not religious,” and I proceed to drink bleach and see through time.

– DID YOU KNOW? The Dinosaurs actually became extinct after Vince McMahon Jr. bought out their territory and shut them down? Vince McMahon’s possible fake twitter has currestly 23,452 followers, which is more than any fucking dinosaur ever had. Brontosaur screwed brontosaur, dammit!

– * Yoshi Tatsu vs. Mark Henry. Oh shit. Oversized gourd. I has a sad. Tatsu wins in my reality. Not your’s though. Wasabi is tasty. Not a fan of uncooked fish. Not a fan of fish. Totally a fan of Phish. Just not unwashed, nor selling a six bean burrito from a VW van in the parking lot of a Phish concert like a “Phan”. I ate one after a Phish concert in Vancouver… British Columbia, Canada, once. Good concert. Not so much for Yoshi Tatsu, as he is used like his namesake as a tool for a double jump in Super Mario 64, and sacrificed to the depths of Nintendo hell to put Super Mark-io over as fodder. Dinosaurs. They are mentioned at least twice in this SD review. But El Dandy isn’t. Even though you, or Joe, just read that reference, it never happened. Stop lying to yourself. Yoshi Tatsu is clearly dead.

It’s JUST like “Be A Star”, isn’t it?

– Donald Trump HOF thing airs. I guess he is an honoree and not an inductee because of Bruno Sammartino or something? Not sure. I loved when he jumped off the Trinatron dropping an elbow on The Big Show scream, “Here comes the money,” back during the Attitude Era. Totally deserves to get in. Nancy Kerrigan is seen during the clips screaming, “WHY!!!” as Some Internet Guy runs off clutching a Greg “The Hammer” Valentine screaming something about “Steak and a Blowjob.” March 14th, ladies. Don’t forget your man. Look it up.

Bruno Spammartino!

– Martian Strike! Talks to Sheamus who mumbles something about Big Show, arses, fellas, and faceoffs. J.T. is seen in the sign, holding up an audience that says, “PUT ME DOWN!” I do, and make more stupid observations about things that don’t happen on this episode of Smackdown.

– Brad Maddox tells audience members “no autographs” as Cole throws to “Point-Counterpoint” from RAW between Cena and Rock. WTF? There was no moderator. There were no points. I liked the banter from Monday, because it was serious and not filled with “poo-poo” and “fruity pebbles” bullshit. But, “Point-Counterpoint.” My only criticism is that.

Nice use of masking to create this effect. Cool stuff. TOE POWER!

– * Non-Title Match: Kaitlyn {C} vs. Tamina Snuka. I am trying to hack out some logistics for BWF Radio this Sunday during this, but the match lasts like 30 seconds, so I guess Tamina won. Fuck, whatever. BWF Radio should be ok on Sunday, and that’s all that really matters. Backstage Sandow and Rhodes talk about Kaitlyner about how Rhodes wants to fuck her or something. I guess that’s a thing now.

Wait, what?

– * Justin Gabriel vs Fandango(o). Lillian Garcia fucks up Fandango’s entrance name and declares until Gabriel cures his werewolf curse and accepts all people of colour in South Africa, he will not wrestle. Actually, Garcia plays along and tries to learn to inhale between pauses in FuckDingo’s name but not to this shitty gimmick’s name. He blames Lillian for it. Gabriel calls her a….

– Backstage Backribs T-Bone talks with the Ghost of Teddy Long about trying to solve this Fandango problem.

J.T. Hogan and ThatDamnStubbleD can ‘splain. I’ve got nothing. It’s all on them. No, I didnt’ mispell our Australian correspondent’s name. J.T. I am told he made himself a Twitter account for a brief period last Sunday. http://twitter.com/ThatDamnStubble J.T., with great power, comes great responsibility.

– Clips of the return of The Undertaker. Man, he can sure stand there at the top of entrance ring. I hope they dropped the temperature in the arena for Joe and the rest of the non BWF audience in Buffalo when he came out like they used to do back in the Old School RAW days for his entrances.

I hope it’s one of those Russian pornos Alice is always raving about on BWF Radio!

– We get another Zeb Coulter and Jack Swagger video. Coulter remembers a time when people who did shitty jobs were not out-sourced or by immigrants. Another good segment towards the racist angle. There is so many easy holes to poke in it, since it’s about speaking English (The language of the real American) and the history of the colony from Britain. But, it makes for a good heel tangent, so whatever.

– * Sheamus vs. The Big Show. Oh good. They left 15 minutes for this! YAY! Team Alpha is seen backstage.

Joe: WTF is this?
Jorge: Where’s the fucking robot? I lugged 6 gallons of motor oil here for nothing?
(Note: The US remains incapable of adapting the metric system, while retaining “English” as their language).
Joe: Shut the fuck up, G!
Jorge: What? What the hell are you talking aboot (SIC)?
Joe: G is adding his own editorials into our conversation again…
(Note: We’ll be closing OUR borders to you guys soon enough, Yank)
Joe: YOU MOTHER FUCKING DICK, WE’LL BE INVADING YOU FOR YOUR OIL AND NUKING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP BEING ASSHOLES, CANUCK!
(Note: I’m an Oilers fan, give me your money. Destroy your environment so my province can prosper. Two more points, we’ll burn down your “white” house again. Second, we share a pretty wide border, you live on it. Enjoy the nuclear fallout, Nothern States).
Jorge: Joe, I’m not in the mood to be mutated and die on the inside due to…
Joe: (interrupting) Ok, fine, maybe the nukes aren’t the answer. When was the last time a Canadian hockey team won a Stanley Cup? Huh? Huh? It was 1993. Yeah, that’s right. ‘Murica, fuck yeah.

Another one for the good guy!

– This match is about as awesome as Joe’s retort. Frankly, it sucks. Stone Cold Steve Austin time travels with Lance Storm back a decade, and “Boring” chants are heard. Meh. The two “exchange” spots, I guess. It’s a brawler match. J.T. is not seen in the audience holding up anything, rather seen running down to the ring to join Team Alpha and “The Shield (A.K.A. Team Beta), who invade. Sheamus is swarmed and Randall Keith Orton runs out to help this curdled milk-product friend. The Shield catch some problems as Big Show reluctantly goes to ward off justice as Joe and Jorge bail. J.T. returns to his seat and his refilled fine whiskey. As the Shield bails, the robot takes out his so-called allies. He downloads a Quicktime update as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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WTF?

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Why is this section even here? What could it mean? Will Joe even notice? So many questions, none of which I will ever answer.

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Shameless Plugs!

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