Twenty-five years I’ve been watching WWE television, week in, week out, without question. I never miss RAW, which since 1993 has been the only television show I watch on Monday nights. Well, aside from watching Nitro on picture-in-picture of course. But something happened last night that made me question why I’m such a loyal viewer of this program. I watched an entire 3-hour RAW live on TV. This was the first time since they made the permanent switch that I’ve watched the show live as it aired without actually being in the arena, and I’ve gotta tell you, I can’t understand how people do this every week. I found myself checking the time once every 15 minutes or so once I hit the 90 minute mark. “It’s gotta be close to 11 by now.” Nope, 10:15. The fact is, there wasn’t anything really going on to advance storylines or anything either. So we’re talking 3 hours of filler. In fact, only the overrun was worth watching. So today, I’m not going to watch the show over again and review it – I’m going to recap it using Ian’s Intense Post-Payback Raw Recap from AngryMarks.com as a reminder of what, exactly, I watched in those 3 agonizing hours last night.
Well, this should be interesting. Let’s go.
Triple H says Evolution isn’t done with The Shield until there is no more Shield. But Batista has other plans. He wants his promised shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship tonight. Triple H says that’s impossible since the Champion is injured, but after they take care of The Shield, he’ll get what’s coming to him. Batista says he understands – and he quits.
— Grant Leat (@GrantLeat) May 19, 2014
Did you download the WWE App? Because there was some exclusive content that you can only get on the WWE App. Let’s show it to you now, right here on the USA Network! Batista says he was lied to since he’s been back and he’s leaving.
WWE United States Champion Sheamus teams with Rob Van Dam to take on WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett and Cesaro. Paul Heyman is great on commentary, as usual. Standard tag team match here, until Sheamus tries to Brogue Kick Cesaro. Heyman pulls his client out of the ring and the duo head to the back, leaving Barrett to fall victim to a Brogue Kick and a Five-Star Frog Splash, giving RVD and Sheamus the win.
“Lance Stephenson” comes out – and of course that’s Damien Sandow dressed like the Indiana Pacers player of the same name. He shows off his basketball “skills” and says that LeBron James is the greatest player of all time before The Big Show comes out. Sandow says the time for trash talking is over and challenges Show to try to score a basket on him. So, the babyface that he is, Show throws the basketball at Sandow’s crotch, then knocks him out before slam dunking on the comically low net and breaking it. Yawn.
I don’t follow basketball. I’m a hockey guy. But apparently the Miami Heat eliminated the Indiana Pacers. You know why? Because they BO-LIEVED! Well, according to Bo Dallas anyway. The match is between Bo and Kofi Kingston, a match that was booked for Payback but never happened thanks to Kane destroying Kofi. Bo wins with
the Acid Drop the BoDog.
Stephanie McMahon, who wore a black dress instead of one that would show if she pissed herself a-la the one she wore at Payback, says that Daniel Bryan is so selfish that he put himself over everybody, including his wife, when he chose to keep the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Then she babbles about Brie slapping her before announcing that the main event at Payback, should Daniel Bryan be cleared to wrestle, will be Bryan defending the title against Kane in a stretcher match (because those never suck, amirite?). If he’s not cleared to compete, then the Money In The Bank ladder match will be for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And if this segment weren’t bad enough, here comes John Cena. Cena says that Bryan won’t give her the title because she has him fearing he wouldn’t get another chance at it. Jokes about surgeries and whose had them (yes, Cena alludes to Stephanie’s implants), and long (and I mean long) story short, Stephanie books Cena vs. Kane. Right now.
Kane vs. Cena. Seen it before. Couldn’t FFW it this time. Cena wins by DQ when Kane wouldn’t let him out of the corner before a 5 count. After the match, Kane tries to tombstone Cena on the steel steps but Cena gets away and takes Kane out by throwing the steps at him. As Cena leaves, Kane sits up.
Backstage, Randy Orton tells Renee Young that he and Triple H are on the same page, and tonight he’ll face Roman Reigns.
Los Matadores take on 3MB, and Hornswoggle has an afro wig on. Which gets snatched off by El Torito, distracting Heath Slater enough to get rolled up by one of the Matadores for the pinfall.
Nikki Bella apparently said she wished Brie was around, so Stephanie put her in a handicap match against FoxSana. Of course Alica Fox and Aksana win, and then after the match they continue to beat down Nikki.
Elsewhere, Luke Harper tells Erick Rowan they have to take up Bray Wyatt’s cause and take out the Usos for interfering.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, Jack Swagger takes on Adam Rose! Hey, that’s right, that match happened on SmackDown. With the same result – Adam Rose wins with the Party Foul.
The Usos cut a promo saying they’ll do whatever it takes to stop the Wyatts. Which still wasn’t enough, apparently, because once again Harper and Rowan beat the WWE Tag Team Champions in a non-title match. What’s that, like 3 times now?
Speaking of rematches, we get Dolph Ziggler vs. Alberto Del Rio in a Money In The Bank qualifiying match. Del Rio wins with the cross armbreaker.
Cody Rhodes has found Goldust a new partner to take on RybAxel. It’s Sin Cara. Who does the job. I think I see where this storyline is going, but I don’t give enough of a shit to talk about it here. Maybe Sunday on BWF Radio.
So at this point it’s like 10:50. Main event time, right? Wrong. Rusev has some kind of stupid ceremony for a fake version of a real award. Then they play the Russian national anthem. Where’s Nikolai Volkoff when we need him?
11PM. The Shield make their way out to the ring. They say they adapted instead of perishing, and they are a unit, while Evolution were just strangers who happened to be on the same side of the ring. Orton and Triple H come out, but Triple H is brandishing a sledgehammer, prompting Seth Rollins to get a couple of chairs in defense. Triple H says there’s always a plan b, and this is it – SETH ROLLINS HITS ROMAN REIGNS WITH A CHAIR! Dean Ambrose looks on, stunned, until Rollins turns his attention toward him and beats him down with the chair as well, culminating with the Blackout on to the chair. Orton gets in and beats down Reigns with the chair, tearing his shirt off to reveal the bruises from the assault before RKOing Reigns on to the chair. RAW ends with Triple H, Randy Orton, and Seth Rollins standing over Reigns and Ambrose.
Thoughts: The only thing worth talking about from this show is the last 15 minutes. Now you have to tune in to the rest of the shows to find out why Rollins turned on The Shield. Can’t wait for that explanation. Oh well, I’m out. Later folks.
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