Fuck. FUCK. FUCK. I have to watch RAW after that PPV last night? I regretted not ordering Payback last month, and now I really regret it, because it was a far superior show to last night’s Money In The Bank event. I’m happy with the World Championship MITB match. I’m happy with the Divas title match, I’m happy with the Tag Title match, but the rest of last night’s PPV (other than Paul Heyman being the person who did the most damage in the “All-Stars” match last night) can go fuck itself. Oh well, let’s get this over with.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, then recap the first 30 when I get here (if possible) and then review the rest. There’s usually some craziness involved with this, some things I write don’t actually happen, and Kodos always shows up. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
First 30 quick recap: Brad Maddox starts off RAW by telling us we’re getting a rematch between Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler tonight. I assume it’s non-title. John Cena interrupts, and Maddox tells him he can pick his own challenger. He suggests maybe Dok Hendrix or Michael Cole. Randall Keith Divorce-ton comes out and tells Cena he won’t see the cash-in coming. Fandango comes out and makes it known that he wants to face Cena at SummerSlam. Orton attacks Fandango, and Maddox makes Orton/Fandango our opening contest. Fandango puts up a fight, but it’s Orton with the RKO to win, and it sounds like we’re going to have a Jersey-esque crowd in Brooklyn tonight. Just before I leave, Dolph Ziggler tells AJ it’s time to move on – time for him to move on from her, leaving AJ dejected.
Mark Henry is getting in the ring as I re-join the broadcast where I left off. He calls Cena one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time. Henry took Cena to his limit and came this close to winning that Championship. Henry’s not here to make excuses. He wants to be Cena’s opponent at SummerSlam. SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO LIMA DELTA shield. The WWE Tag Team Champions and the WWE United States Champion surround the ring. Mark Henry doesn’t back down – in fact, he tosses his jacket aside and attacks Dean Ambrose first, and he holds his own, but the numbers game is too much for him. The Shield hit the triple powerbomb, and Henry is down and out as the fans chant “holy shit.” Holy shit indeed, Brooklyn. Been a while since we’ve gotten a good Shield beatdown.
Up next, Del Rio vs. Ziggler – and I can now confirm that it’s a non-title match.
Brad Maddox is on the phone with his Mom, and he’s surprised that Chris Jericho walks into his office. Jericho picks on him a little, and tells him he’s doing a great job so far. Maddox suggests Jericho try to impress John Cena by defeating a former WWE Champion in RVD here tonight. Jericho likes that idea, so later tonight it’s RVD vs. Y2J!
Alberto Del Rio is out first for his matanojjnao;ewnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn4x jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
I’m here to show the world…
Oh, sorry, dozed off there while Alberto Del Snoro was entering without RicRod.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler
Goddammit. I was at the IZOD Center the night Dolph Ziggler cashed in Money In The Bank on Del Rio, and here I am watching a non-title match with a face Ziggler and a heel Del Rio. And Del Rio is the Champion. I hate Del Rio as Champion, but I guess the money is in the chase, right? I guess we’re supposed to want to order SummerSlam to see him lose his title, no matter who he winds up facing, though it really should be Ziggler. Ziggler’s got a natural feud elsewhere right now should they choose to go that route, but Del Rio has nothing else at the moment. I suppose that can change in an instant. Oh well. This match is similar to the one last night, and gets a lot of time. That said, last night’s match (and tonight’s as well) was solid, I just didn’t like the finish, it made no sense. Ziggler hits a second rope Fame-asser, but as he goes for the cover, the bell rings. The referee asks why, and we see AJ Lee at the timekeeper’s table. Del Rio kicks Ziggler’s head off and picks up the victory. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Jerry Lawler says that right after I typed it. AJ gets in the ring after Del Rio leaves, and she slaps the hell out of Ziggler for breaking her heart. Ziggler tries to hold her off, but he gets clotheslined by Big E Langston, who then drops Ziggler with the Big Ending. Looks like Ziggler won’t be the challenger at SummerSlam. AJ kneels down beside Dolph and kisses him.
Apparently, John Cena gets to choose his opponent tonight, and that’s coming up later on.
R-Truth rapping is apparently a thing again. He looks different, but I can’t put my finger on why. I think his hairline is receding. His crap is interrupted by The Wyatt Family’s entrance! THE reason to watch Monday Night RAW! Bray Wyatt blows out the lantern, and Erick Rowan and Luke Harper destroy R-Truth as Wyatt looks on from his rocking chair. They dispose of Truth, and Wyatt enters the ring to join them. He says there’s no such thing as a hero anymore, but people have become addicted to the illusion of heroes. He says everything is not alright. The man who made you is a liar. Your own flesh and blood turned his back on you. Bray Wyatt wouldn’t do that. Bray Wyatt is the answer you seek. Truth gets up on the apron with a chair. He wants Bray Wyatt. Wyatt says if that’s what he desires, he’s right here waiting. Rowan and Harper leave the ring, and Truth enters. Wyatt asks him what he’s waiting for. Truth allows himself to get distracted momentarily by the Family on the outside of the ring, and Wyatt crushes him in the corner. The Family attacks Truth again, and Wyatt puts him down with Sister Abigail. “You are not the truth we seek. Kane… Follow the buzzards.” Sheep mask.
Go vote on the WWE App right now to vote for who will face The Real Americans, Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro. Will you choose the Usos? Tons of Funk? Prime Time Players? Who cares? Vote For Kodos.
We get the video they played on the PPV about the WWE Performance Center.
The Real Americans make their way out. Zeb Colter doesn’t understand Brooklyn, because everybody speaks a different language. It’s basically the same promo he cut at WrestleMania. He says Swagger and Cesaro got robbed at Money In The Bank because some foreigners snuck across the border, or some shit like that. Rather than vote for Kang and Kodos, you people picked The Usos. Which means I have to sit through them for a second straight night. I’m glad they’re getting a push and all, but I’m not big on them.
The Real Americans (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. The Usos
I don’t get why this match is happening. These are four talented dudes, but I think Cesaro is so much better than this. Jerry Lawler ponders whether or not Zeb Colter heard anybody speaking Dutch on his journey through Brooklyn. Get it? Dutch! Get it?!? I know, it was a bad pun. Blame Lawler. One of the Usos rolls up Cesaro unexpectedly for the win in a short match.
This Be a STAR ad tells me to be a hero. But Bray Wyatt told me that there are no heroes a few minutes ago. Which one do I believe? I’d say the one that took out a monster last week.
Hallelujah! Your Intellectual Savior of the Masses, Mr. Tender In The Repository, Damien Sandow is here! And so is Christian. Oh boy.
Damien Sandow vs. Christian
Christian is missing half a tooth after Money In The Bank last night. Toothless Aggression? Christian lost half a tooth (I actually saw it happen, it was when Sheamus decked him through the rungs of the ladder), Cody Rhodes got 5 stitches, CM Punk got 13 staples in his head, and RVD got 14 staples. Brutal. A “You screwed Cody” chant breaks out. If you saw Money in The Bank, you know why. Sandow reverses a Killswitch attempt into a Cubito Aequet attempt, which Christian turns into a rollup for the victory. Sandow grabs the mic after and says that he’s still the intellectual savior of Money In The Bank, but then he’s assaulted by Cody Rhodes. Sandow escapes through the crowd.
Still to come, John Cena’s decision.
Some guy has the hiccups. Another guy tells him to take a deep breath. It doesn’t work. The other guy hands him some water. That doesn’t work either. The guy makes a phone call, and Sheamus scares the crap out of the guy. That doesn’t work either. So Sheamus says he’s got this. Then he hits the dude with a Brogue Kick. 1-800-Fella. Yes, they’re making vignettes for this stupid gimmick now.
Earlier today, Vickie Guerrero was trying in the lobby of the Barclays Center trying to get people to sign a petition for her to get her job back.
One of the Bellas (they tell me it’s Brie) are in the ring. They’re facing one of the Funkadactyls. Naomi, I guess. Oh boy.
Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) vs. Naomi (w/ Cameron)
I forgot to mention that John Cena said he could choose to wrestle one of the Bella Twins at SummerSlam. Very punny, John. Again, everything Kaitlyn and AJ have done right, this reality show is going to undo. The Funkadactyl wins with a cross body from the top rope. The fans could care less. And neither could I.
WWE.com caught up with Paul Heyman after Money in The Bank. Well, actually, no they didn’t. Heyman ignored the guy, other than to say “stay out of my personal life!”
CM Punk makes his entrance, hobbling toward the ring. I still feel weird not calling him the WWE Champion, and he’s been without the title since January (though I still say he didn’t really lose that match). Punk knows Paul Heyman is in the building, and he knows Brock Lesnar is in the building. He also knows he’s not waiting anymore, and invites them to come out. Paul Heyman comes out to the stage. He says he’s looking at an empty ring, because in his world, CM Punk doesn’t exist. In 2005, WWE had no vision for Punk. Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman’s imagination. Heyman took him in, taught him, trained him, martyred his entire career for Punk, and then they reached the WWE Championship together. Heyman says that “we were the Best In The World.” Without Heyman, Punk is not the best in the world. Heyman says he has an aversion to the truth because it’s a harder pill to swallow. Punk failed himself and Heyman when he couldn’t beat The Undertaker. Punk leaves, comes back, and thinks he’s better than Heyman. So, Heyman manipulated Punk, because he can never claim that CM Punk dumped Heyman, history will say that Heyman dumped CM Punk. Heyman made it personal. Heyman says Punk has no family. All he has is the WWE Universe. All he wants is the WWE Championship. Punk took Heyman’s best friend away, so Heyman took away the WWE Championship. You think he’s bad in business, he’s worse personally. The kicker is, Punk made him swear on his children, but it was Heyman’s children who made him see the light. “Daddy, why doesn’t Punk listen to you like Brock Lesnar does?” The harshest truth of them all is that Heyman betrayed Punk because CM Punk can’t beat Brock Lesnar. Ouch. Punk asks if Heyman is done. The truth hurts. Maybe Punk should’ve seen it coming. He trusted Heyman but all he has to show for it is 13 staples in his head. Heyman knows that Punk is the most relentless man on the planet, and will not stop until he gets what he wants. The truth is, he’s going to get Heyman. He swears it on Heyman’s children. Punk will hurt anybody that stands in his way. Punk will burn everything down around Heyman until he’s the last man standing. Heyman says Punk is not lying, but he spells Punk’s immediate future out for him. He says it’s clobbering time – and Brock Lesnar’s music hits. Here comes the pain! Punk stares down Lesnar, and Heyman attacks him from behind. Punk escapes an F5, but Lesnar is too powerful. Punk keeps coming at him though. Lesnar tosses Punk over the announce table, but Punk still comes at him. Lesnar catches Punk in the air and rams him spine first into the ringpost. Lesnar F5’s Punk onto the announce table. Lesnar and Heyman leave, and Punk manages to get up on his own, but slumps back down holding his throat. Great segment.
Total Divas premieres two weeks from yesterday. Who cares?
John Cena is walking backstage when he’s stopped by The Great Khali who is apparently asking in Punjabi for the title shot at SummerSlam. Cena replies in Punjabi. Khali reacts positively.
Stephanie McMahon is in Brad Maddox’s office. He says things are going well. She wasn’t asking him, she was asking Triple H who was behind him. Triple H thinks he’s doing a great job so far. Maddox couldn’t find Vince, which happens a lot on Mondays, apparently. Triple H wanted to know if he asked Vince about the decision to let Cena pick his opponent. They think they know who Cena will pick, but they don’t think Vince will like it. Triple H tells Maddox “good luck in your future endeavors tonight.”
Rob Van Dam and his rectangular pyro are back on Monday Night RAW! He didn’t get the rectangular pyro last night. RAW is presented in part by Rent-A-Center, Dude Brother. Jericho is out after the break.
Apparently Van Dam only needed 13 staples last night, not the 14 I stated earlier. Unless Michael Cole got confused.
Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho
RVD does absolutely nothing of note in this match before the fans chant “you still got it” at him. He was impressive at Money in The Bank, I’ll give him that. ECW chants start up in this match between two ECW alumni. Thank Paul Heyman for these guys, kids. The fans are into this one. Barclays Center is loud tonight! Jericho is in control through most of this one. RVD bounces back, using his athleticism to counter Jericho’s skill. Jericho avoids Rolling Thunder, but doesn’t avoid a moonsault from the apron to the floor. Later, RVD avoids the Lionsault, then hits the Rolling Thunder for two. Jericho DDTs RVD, and Mr. Monday Night can still sell with the best of them. This is a hell of a match, these dudes are just as good now as they were 10 years ago. Jericho catches a hurricanrana attempt and turns it into the Walls of Jericho. Van Dam crawls to the ropes. RVD nails the Five Star Frog Splash and picks up the victory! What a match!
Up next, Cena decides who challenges him for the WWE Title at SummerSlam!
Cena says he can’t tell us who he picked, because he hasn’t done it yet. He asks the WWE Universe. The fans chant Daniel Bryan, then Yes. Cena is going to say some names, and the fans in attendance can tell us what they think. Heath Slater? “Boo.” Any of 3MB? “Boo.” Orton? “Boo.” Great Khali? “Boo.” Alberto Del Rio? “Boo.” Jericho? That gets some cheers. RVD? The fans cheer for that one. Fandango? Mixed reaction, a few people Fandango in the audience and sing his theme. Sheamus? “Boo.” Ryback? “Boo.” Cena asks if he forgot anybody. The fans chant for Daniel Bryan. Cena says we’re good, thanks the fans for their help, and says he made his decision. The fans chant Daniel Bryan at him again. Cena says he respects the beard, and says the person he chose deserves a shot at the WWE Championship. Cena says he selects Daniel Bryan. The crowd goes insane for this choice, and Bryan hops down the ramp. Daniel Bryan is over. Respect the beard!
Thoughts: Well. I’m still not happy about Orton winning Money In The Bank last night. I’m still not happy about Del Rio retaining the World Heavyweight Championship. But this RAW has gotten me over it just a little bit. Ziggler and Del Rio had a pretty good match. So did Jericho and RVD. The crowd really sold Daniel Bryan as a superstar tonight, and the Wyatt Family segment was far better than their debut last week, mostly because the fans weren’t chanting “Husky Harris” at Bray Wyatt tonight. It wasn’t the greatest RAW of all time, but the crowd in Brooklyn was hot, and the show was booked very solidly. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you to go find the Heyman/Punk segment if you haven’t seen it already. Great stuff between those two, and the brawl with Lesnar was pretty good too. I’m out folks, goodnight! See you Sunday at 2PM!
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