Greetings, Bored Wrestling Fans!

The “Royal Rumble” pay-per-view for 2012 is now in the books, and it has certainly polarized wrestling fans.I very well may be the only person on the internet who thoroughly enjoyed the entire show, and did not feel at all ripped off after it ended. The intensity of the anti-Cena sentiment was surprising. Pro-Orton feeling was expected, but not this. Danierl Bryan got huge cheers and chants. Ok, St. Louis…. This is not a move-by-move review, and the only way to do justice to some of the things that happened in the show is to watch them for yourselves. Yes, really.

Daniel Bryan retains the World Heavyweight Championship over Mark Henry and the Big Show: A three-way cage match has tremendous potential, as well as tremendous potential to be misused. That wrestlers can win a cage match via pinfall or submission is ridiculous. Why have a cage match at all if victory can be achieved through the usual means? The cage was actually used this time, as opposed to some cage matches that barely utilized it. Not enough mention was made of the fact that Daniel Bryan was the only one with a realistic chance of escaping the cage over the top, while the other two brutalized each other. It was mentioned, but not enough. Poor Mark Henry! The man has two legitimate injuries, one of which cost him his title after Vince apparently decided that he was not sympathetic to the circumstances. He hasn’t been allowed off the road at all. He certainly did all that could have been expected of him during the match. The climactic moment with Daniel Bryan dangling over the top of the cage from Big Show’s hand was a great visual. Precisely what happened to allow Daniel Bryan to free himself wasn’t clear, but the end result was a good one. Why does everyone view opening with this match as the epitome of disrespect and “burying” the “Smackdown” roster? Lance Storm has often said that opening a show with your third-strongest match is the way to go. That fits nicely with what we saw.


Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and the Bellas defeated Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Eve, and Tamina: The weak spot of the night. Why we haven’t seen Beth Phoenix and her Divas title on tv lately? Rumors aside, she’s the champ. Beth was put over by the announce team as completely dominant, but it’s hard to believe that when you rarely see it. Kelly Kelly leapt from the top turnbuckle into the clearly waiting arms of the other Divas. Poor Tamina, that she was strapped to all of that dead weight.

Kane and John Cena fought to a double-count-out: Sure, it sounds terrible at first, but put this in perspective. Nobody won, and for different reasons. Where was Cena at the end of the match? Sprawled out on the canvas and not moving. Where was Kane at the end of the match? Grinning and laughing as he hit wheelchair-bound Zach Ryder with a Tombstone Piledriver right in front of Eve as she begged for his life. Kane walked out. Cena did not. The follow-up to all of this has a number of different paths that it could take. A non-obvious answer is sometimes a good thing.

Brodus Clay defeated Drew McIntyre in just over one minute: Um, yeah. The usual suspects are in line here. Brodus wore a green track suit. The Funkettes did not announce him well. Brodus had a blast, and was great fun to watch. McIntyre tried to get in serious offense, to no avail. Why was this match on a ppv? There are other ways to use Brodus Clay.

CM Punk retained the WWE Championship over Dolph Ziggler (w/ John Laurinitis as special guest referee): Johnny Ace announced that he would enforce from the outside, and that another WWE referee would call the match in the ring, as to avoid the appearance of any impropriety. Hmm. Ok. Vickie Guerrero came to the ring with Ziggler, but Laurinitis sent her to the back. Ziggler dodged a GTS, but Punk tries it again. Ziggler shoved Punk, knocking him into the ref and the ref clean out. Ziggler then tapped to the Anaconda Vice, but the ref was out, and Laurinitis had his back to Punk and Ziggler as he checked on the ref. The same thing happened when Punk rolled up Ziggler. Going for a third legit pin, Punk attempts another GTS, but Ziggler’s legs hit Laurinitis in the head. Another GTS was countered with a huge Fameasser, and a huge near-fall for Ziggler. One final GTS, and Punk is counted the victor by both the now-conscious referee and Laurinitis. Why is this bad? With the announcement of Laurinitis getting a performance evaluation by HHH on RAW, it makes perfect sense that he would be a model employee during this match. It certainly wasn’t HIS fault that the poor referee was taken out.

Royal Rumble match (@55 minutes):

1. The Miz (eliminated by The Big Show)

2. AlexRiley (eliminated by The Miz)

3. R-Truth (eliminated by The Miz)

4. Cody Rhodes (eliminated by The Big Show)

5. Justin Gabriel (eliminated by Mick Foley and Ricardo Rodriguez)

6. Primo (eliminated by Mick Foley)

Hit a nice hurricanrana on Justin Gabriel.

7. Mick Foley (eliminated by The Miz and Cody Rhodes)

Great “sock-off” between Foley’s Mr. Socko and Santino’s Cobra. If you weren’t chuckling, then you have no soul.

8. Ricardo Rodriguez (eliminated by Santino Marella and the Wedgie of Doom)

YES!!! Alberto Del Rio’s music plays, and a battered-all-to-hell vehicle resembling what once may have been a Nissan 240 Z. Wearing Del Rio’s white trunks and scarf, he resembles a large and angry infant. The cheers and chants for RicRod are off the charts. Awesome moment!

9. Santino Marella (eliminated by The Miz and Cody Rhodes)

See Mick Foley.

10. Epico (eliminated by Mick Foley)

11. Kofi Kingston (eliminated by Sheamus)

Talk about an OMG moment! A certain chick from Texas mentioned in the podcast that the almost-elimination moment would have to involve either Kofi Kingston or Justin Gabriel, and furthermore, that someone landing on his hands instead of his feet would be grand. Watch the video! Kofi not only lands on his hands, but walks on his hands around the ring after getting pushed from the ropes! This must be seen to be believed.

12. Jerry Lawler (eliminated by Cody Rhodes)

13. Ezekiel Jackson (eliminated by The Great Khali)

14. Jinder Mahal (eliminated by The Great Khali)

Looked absolutely terrified when Khali entered. Good.

15. The Great Khali (eliminated by The Miz and Cody Rhodes)

Made straight forMahal and eliminated him. Good.

16. Hunico (eliminated by Kharma)

17. Booker T (eliminated by The Miz and Cody Rhodes)

Got up from the announce table wearing his dress shirt and jacket, and no pants. This was disturbing. Did he take his pants off under the table?

18. Dolph Ziggler (eliminated by The Big Show)

19. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (eliminated by Cody Rhodes)

Huge reaction for Duggan. Nice.

20. Michael Cole (eliminated by himself, Jerry Lawler, Booker T, and the petrifying fear of Kharma)

He climbed over the top rope to get away from Kharma, but Lawler and Booker T pulled himto the floor.

21. Kharma (eliminated by Dolph Ziggler)

YES!!! A thousand times, yes! Did anyone else even know that she had had her baby? Cole left the ring to get away from her. Kharma hit the Implant Buster on Dolph Ziggler. Yes, you read that correctly.

22. Sheamus

23. “The Road Dogg” Jesse James (eliminated by Wade Barrett)

24. Jey Uso (eliminated by Randy Orton)

25. Jack Swagger (eliminated by The Big Show)

26. Wade Barrett (eliminated by Randy Orton)

27. David Otunga (eliminated by Chris Jericho)

28. Randy Orton (eliminated by Chris Jericho while eliminating The Big Show)

29. Chris Jericho (eliminated by Sheamus)

30. The Big Show (eliminated by Orton after an RKO)


Yup. Sheamus won, and is going to Wrestlemania! The wrestling internet world has lost it’s mind, and most comments and reviews of this show have been quite negative. That is, frankly, a bit harsh. The show was quite enjoyable for the rowdy lot in front of my tv, and all kinds of possibilities present themselves. I won’t try to convince you that it was good. You won’t try to convince me that it was terrible. We’ll both watch RAW tonight and see what happens next.




Peace out,



1 Comment

  1. the return push of sheamus?! yeah Brodus should of been used in the Rumble itself but at least it gave the job squad something to do. Good summation on the your personal enjoyment. Raw should be good.

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