iMPACT 01/06/11: Too much, my brain hurts.By G · · Leave a Comment
Hey hey! It’s the first iMPACT of 2011, and the go-home show before this Sunday’s Genesis PPV. The card looks ok, for the brand, and not too gimmicky either. I know, something doesn’t feel right in the space-time continuum… surely TNA can’t screw up this build, can they?
EMT just tea-bagged that guy on the stretcher…
Time to subjugate myself to witnessing and expressing the torture that is watching iMPACT…. it’s suffering time…
– TNA must be channeling my
overuse of multiple periods, because the title of tonight’s episode is, “Genesis… The Beginning… Or the End?”
– The Immortal/Fortune faction makes their way to the ring to start off our show. Eric starts by wishing the crowd a happy happy happy New Year, and gets some boos. See, some people are personally hoping for a miserable miserable miserable New Year… I guess. C’mon iMPACT Zone! H ahahahha…. Easy-E continues to tell us the faction is going to blah blah blah do new things.
I’m having January 4th, 2010 flashbacks… oh no wait, that’s that LSD I just took. Eric calls out Jay Lethal, who reluctantly enters the ring. Next to be called out is the most excellent Motor City Machine Guns…. and then Douglas Williams. These are your X-Division, Tag Team, and Television title champions respectively….
CHAMPION! Eddie, you are still missed…
– Eric discusses that they all earned their titles, and are true champs. Eric, puts over the titles and the respect he claims the heel faction has for them. Bischoff does the unthinkable. He actually puts over the PPV and that he and his crew actually WANT to put on a great PPV on Sunday, and regardless of history and whatnot, that is the goal. I think I will have to
steal this PPV via the internet pay legitamitally for Genesis. He asks the competitors representing the faction to shake hands with their opponents tonight… The faces react like WTF, essentially, and a total brawl beatdown ensues as Eric facetiously tells them to stop… enter the RVD to help clear the ring. Van Dam wants Hardy at Genesis… “WHO IS MY OPPONENT AT GENESIS?” shouts Rob. Eric tells him that he will reveal that when he feels like it… etc. End segment.
Setting up Phil Collins for the win at Genesis, right? He’s totally the mystery opponent. Also, double guitar always equals a win. ALWAYS.
– There’s a brief “Bully” Ray promo on Devon for there robooted singles rivalry a la WWE. It’s alright…
– Jeff MMA Specialist Jarrett is out, using Kurt Angle’s floor rise entrance (it’s a nice subtle jab reference for anyone paying attention to detail, nice!). He is then joined by his training team as they continue the MMA posse, and pat-downs, etc. I’m still loving it. Jeff is tweaking his open JJ Challenge. First tweak is he cannot face anyone taller than him. Second tweak is that this is an exhibition, because he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt? How does the challenge actually work then?
Sometimes thinking things out, like… umm… let’s say physics or storyline logic, is left behind in the heat of the moment.
– Calls for any takers. There’s this guy who has been present for weeks at the front trying to take him on, but is clearly one of these reported idiots who has shown up and doesn’t get kayfabe. They pick some dude from the audience who is apparently from the Junior black belt hall of fame… he gets cheers, but is DQ’d as a match.
– Another random comes down from the very back and looks like an indie guy. That’s because he is. Jobber signs waiver, JJ cheap shots him and jobber jobs out. It’s a fun extension of the gimmick until… KURT ANGLE runs out and points out they are the same height, and since it’s an exhibition… so all he has to do is sign this contract and they’re going to match up at Genesis. The best part is that while Angle has retired from wrestling, this is an exhibition. Totally gonna try to steal this PPV.
Didn’t see that coming, huh Jarrett. This was clever… are you sure Russo is writing this? Answer: swerve, of course.
– AJ Styles/Kaz versus the MCMG’s. Non-title match up. The Guns explode on the heels to start in combo-attacks that too hard to attempt to describe. Things turn for a bit, but a hot tag to Shelley leads to pin for the win! This is a great, albeit short, match. Watch it here and start at the 11:30 smark.
– Hey it’s the slowly-turning-heel Pope (your Pope, my Pope, OUR Pope) D’Angelo Dinero! He claims to have been falsely accused of something, and followed around by someone. Umm… ok.
– Speaking of religion and politics, IT’S TANGENT TIME!
Haitians react to televangelist Pat Robertson’s ‘devil pact’ remarks. Yeah, it wasn’t just a bunch of shitty luck, in a country recovering from years of oppression under a military dictatorship and then ravaged by Mother Nature… no… it was the devil. Yes.
– Oh shit… I got political there, didn’t I?
– Speaking of the 700 Club, and I’m not here to bash anybody’s religion… check out Dirty Dutch Mantell’s HONEY, I NEVER CHEATED ON YOU series over at his blog http://theworldaccordingtodutch.blogspot.com/
Part 1 and Part 2/3. An entertaining read to say the least.
– Back to the show? Eric is all distraught at AJ Styles due to him and Kaz’s loss tonight… They continue to tease AJ being on the outside of Immortal/Fortune. DrowGoddess somewhere is happier… not sated, but happier.
– Pope hits the ring and wants to know who has been following him. I thought those camera shots last year were the Reaction crew. How else would TNA get the footage? Hmm… Who is recording Pope on Pope’s own time? I was secretly hoping it would be Shawn Stasiak.
– No sir/ma’am, it’s Samoa Joe! And he calls Pope on his fund raising as bullshit, and that he’s done the research and found all of the Pope’s philanthropy has been fraudulence. Pope flips out on Joe, and makes sure racists everywhere get a moment of happiness as Pope manages to somehow note that being Samoan is a character flaw. Otherwise, he’s gold on the microphone. You should probably watch this… and since G is your hook up:
Hopefully this is still here when you get here.
– Madison Rayne (w/Tara) and Sarita versus Velvet Sky and Mickie James. Madison Rayne and Tara share a really awkward looking kiss during the entrance as if the bookers told them to sell up some sexual ambiguity at the last minute…
Ok regular readers. You know the rules. Everytime Velvet Sky appears on iMPACT, I shoutout PatMan of the Wonderpod podcast now available at http://wonderpodonline.com/ as of Friday, January 7, 2011 at 4PM EST. Because the website debuts tomorrow. And this TNA review series will begin to simulcast there starting tomorrow night! Or as PatMan would say, “PENIS!”
– A very special shout-out from Survivor Man G for helping the Wonderpod Crew get this site up and live! SMILEY FACE!
– Madison has dropped the chainmail miniskirt this week, in favour of leather armour bottoms. Good thing too, seriously like I’ve been saying… chainmail miniskirts are horrible defence against Orc arrow attacks. What we get for a match is the heels dominating, and using heeltastic tactics to pull off a cheap win with help from Tara’s interference.
Charles Barkley @G: “That was kind of a lazy recap of the Knockouts, G!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, this from a guy who never really watches this stuff anymore. Look, it wasn’t THAT good a match… what do you want me to say?”
Charles Barkley @G: “Was it turrible or not, honkey?”
G @Charles Barkley: “No. What’s wrong with your face, dude?”
– Rob “The Freak” Terry versus Douglas Williams. The only thing that save this match is Williams… Rob Terry has the look
of a steroid abuser, but has yet to deliver a match that has actually made this smark convinced he is any good. And he’s not… the match becomes a DQ in just over a minute as AJ Styles interferes. Meh.
This dog just put on his “Cool face.” Shields Up! MEME!
– Backstage, security is trying to keep Bully Rey and Devon apart… Not much develops here, although Bubba gets a cheap shot on Devon shouting, “I just kicked you in the back of your head… right now!”
– TANGENT! This reminds me of a time when my older brother had a drinking contest with some buddies at my home one time when my parents were away on vacation. The game is called “The Centurion.” Everyone involved has to take a shot of beer every minute for 100 hundred minutes. We modified the rules so that the final shot was out of a cowboy-shaped shot glass that was essentially 2 and 1/2 shots. My bro’s best friend made it to 99 shots. Then he promptly went out on the backyard deck, vomited and 180 flipped over the rail about 5 feet onto the lawn. He then promptly stood up and shouted, “I had more beer than [G’s brother] RIGHT NOW!” I used to have a copy of the incident recorded… but alas, have lost it.
Since I don’t have video evidence, I bring you this fantastic animated gif distraction while I continue the suffering that is TNA.
– Jeff Jarrett is backstage getting a pep talk with Eric…
– Abyss versus Jay Lethal. If you are thinking the typical David vs Goliath premise, you are correct. Big man dominates the match separated by occasional bursts of action from the little man. Who cares really, since this one dissolves ALSO into a DQ as the ref calls for the bell while Abyss chokes out Lethal using the ropes…. Kaz sarcastically runs in and “begs” Abyss to stop beating up his opponent at Genesis. Hahahaha!
– They run down the card for Genesis:
RVD vs. Jeff Hardy's mystery pick
Matt Morgan vs. Mr. Anderson (Number One Contenders Match)
Brother Ray vs. Brother Devon
Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle (MMA exhibition match)
Jay Lethal vs Kazarian (X-Division title match)
AJ Styles vs. Douglas Williams (TV title match)
Madison Rayne vs Mickie James (TNA Knockouts title)
Beer Money vs Motor City Machine Guns (TNA Tag-Titles)
– Mike Tenay is having a sit down interview with Mr. Anderson and Matt Morgan in relation to their ongoing pseudo feud. The concussions, man, the concussions….
Err… maybe that was supposed to be “The horror… the horror”? You decide Stanley Kubrick… you decide.
– Tenay does a decent job here mediating the issues of a rare-ongoing-storyline in this promotion. It is the same old premise, but well done at that. I will give credit… sigh… where credit is due. As much as I love the basic idea around sports induced concussions, at this point it’s a moot point having two faces square off. I’m honestly interested to see where the audience stands at the PPV here, who becomes the heel?
– “You know Ken, I’ve sat in this chair for hundreds of interviews… and when I look in your eyes, I can’t get a read on you. What are the chances that you are working me? Working Matt? Working the fans?” asks Tenay in a moment of well scripted delivery (that probably took like 2892374823754893749 takes).
– Ken plays his sympathy warrior card, and Morgan plays his concerned self that will be an athlete regardless. They stare off, etc. I don’t know if the match will be any good, but the build has been one of the best stories on iMPACT in a long, long time.
– How long? Teddy Long?
“Buckle up Teddy.” We’ll all just have to steal the stream to find out if the match is any good this Sunday… or perhaps later via YouTube, Daily Motion, Mega Video, Bit Torrent, etc.
– Your main event features Jeff Jarrett (in his second “match” of the night) versus RVD. Sadly, it’s treated like another JJ Open Challenge match, yet with no DQ. FUCK THIS. HOW CAN AN EXHIBITION FEATURE NO DQ? FUCK YOU TNA! I’m trying to be open minded, but what the fuck is this stipulation? FUCKBALLS.
– The start is fun, I’ll admit. RVD brings his “Educated Feet” (c/o Jim Ross) to counter all of Jarrett’s meager attempts to go MMA on the pothead. I spark a bong in honor. Jeff gets a sleeper hold in (see: resthold) on RVD to waste a couple minutes of our time. Should’ve FFW’d through that garbage. RVD eventually “Hulks Up,” and turns the tide in his favor. TO THE OUTSIDE! RVD grabs a chair, but has to fend off the forgettable bodyguards of Immortal. BUT NO! The Forgettables hold RVD off, and Jeff “Pleading Guilty to Drug Possession Charges” Hardy also aids the heels in a ROB VAN DAM beat down… Matt Morgan decides to join the party, I guess… Then Mr. Anderson runs in to prevent Jeff Hardy from hitting a chair shot on Morgan, but his efforts lead in Anderson taking out Morgan with the chair instead… oh my…
– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out. Thank god.
– And yet we still wonder which Knockout is the hooker AJ refers to… Tara or Madison? Dammit.
“Shut up hooker!” You’re welcome!
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