A crazy – yet awesome – iMPACT: 8/7/08By thinksojoe · · 2 Comments
For the last several weeks, TNA iMPACT has been one of the most entertaining wrestling shows. Last night’s iMPACT was a big one, and almost had a pay-per-view like feel to it, just three days before Hard Justice. All of the matches for this Sunday’s PPV were showcased, some intertwining with each other, and there were a lot of crazy parts to the show, and some sick bumps being taken, including one that left the canvas soaked in the blood of Kurt Angle.
Full results after the jump!
The show kicks off with a video game intro. We’ll be seeing a preview of the game later tonight. But first, Mike Tenay is in the ring talking about Hard Justice. He shoots over to JB, who is amongst the fans and running down the card. Shut up and get to the damned matches already…
BG James is backstage with Lauren, also out amongst the fans, and also running down things happening on the show. WTF is so special about this damned episode anyway?
Traci Brooks and her Aerosmith knockoff music is the referee in a Knockout Bimbo Brawl. The participants are Jaqueline and Roxxi.
Roxxi vs. Jaqueline in a Knockout Bimbo Brawl
Roxxi apparently doesn’t have a last name anymore. She brings the oh so original shopping cart o’ weapons to the ring, but it’s Jaqueline who gets the early advantage. Roxxi turns the tide once the action splls outside, whipping Jacqueline into the steel steps. She gets reversed into the ropes and then a drop toe hold sends Roxxi face first into the chair. Jacqueline takes advantage, using weapons to work over Roxxi. The match goes back and forth for a while, until Roxxi gets the win with the Voodoo Drop.
After the match, the announcers don’t care, they just want to hear from Christian.
Christian and Rhino are backstage with Lauren. Christian says he’s the champ, and what he does is sets himself up for punishment, apparently. She asked him why he’d put himself in line for going through a glass table again, and that’s what he said – because he’s the champ. He says Team 3D are only the greatest tag team ever because Christian decided on a singles career. He babbles on for a moment before Rhino takes the mic. He says if Team 3D wants to end careers, if that’s the game they want to play, Christian and Rhino are in. Rhino says he’ll gore somebody through the glass table tonight.
Last week the Prince Justice Brotherhood was looking for So Cal Val’s wedding ring.
Super Eric says the case is solved. Val asks if they found the ring. It is with the one who abducted it. Hajit. The Guru is the villian here. He says if you find Sonjay, you find your missing ring.
What a coincidence, Hajit Sonjay is on the way to the ring! His opponent is hot, he’s spicy, he tastes great – he’s CURRY MAN!
Hajit Sonjay Dutt vs. Curry Man
A quick, fast paced, back and forth matchup from the outset, and if you expected anything less, you’re nuts. Apparently the Black Tie Brawl and Chain match at Hard Justice is just a tuxedo match. Rip the tuxedo off. That’s what you gotta do. Yep. You can pin or make your opponent submit, too. Val comes down and starts motioning to Sonjay that she wants her ring back. It distracts him long enough for Curry Man to recover and move out of the way of Sonjay’s splash in the corner. Curry Man can’t capitalize, Sonjay raked his eyes and hit a cool combo move, getting the pin with his feet on the ropes.
After the match, Sonjay says he doesn’t have the ring. Shark Boy sneaks up behind him though and fights him up the ramp and into the ring – where Super Eric is waiting for him. Military Press Slam, and Super Eric found the ring in Dutt’s tights! The Prince Justice Brotherhood tells Val that Sonjay had the ring. Sonjay says, the truth is that when she visited in the hospital, the ring fell into his bed, he picked it up and he’s had it ever since. He thought maybe she left the ring on purpose because she was ready to leave Jay. She says no. He says it was wishful thinking. She wants to know why he didn’t give it back. Sonjay says she knows how he feels about her, and he’s happy for her that he got her ring back, and hugs her.
Team 3D and Beer Money are backstage with Lauren, who asks about good ol’ fashioned wrestling match. Brother Ray says a good ol’ fashioned wrestling match would be like… well, sleeping with Lauren. Brother Ray babbles about being a great tag team, and how Beer Money will take over where they leave off. They’re not wrestlers, they’re fighters. Storm says they like the other team – they’re just like them, except that they get beat up, and Beer Money and 3D beat people up. Sorry about your damned luck, oh my brother, testify!
Sheik Paula Abdul Jabar Bashir has a promo about how crappy America is.
The Motor City Machine Guns and their wannabe Londrick masks get a video game intro video. And so does Black Machismo, Jay Lethal. Lethal’s partner Consequences Creed didn’t though. But he is getting an X Division Title Match this Sunday at Hard Justice.
MCMG vs. Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed
Once again, if I need to tell you that we’ve got a fast paced and even match with a lot of quick tags, you’re insane. TNA’s got some great talent, and it’s great to see them getting used the way they need to. Sabin gets a unique abdominal-stretch kind of move on Jay Lethal at one point in the match. The Machine Guns take over with unique double team moves, keeping Lethal away from his corner. When Creed finally does get the tag, he takes over the match, and hits a TKO on Shelley for two. The Guns take back over with double teams, but only get a two count before Lethal breaks it up. All hell breaks loose, and Creed gets a two count on BOTH Machine Guns off of a splash onto the two of them. Creed finally gets the win, pinning Shelley with a rollup.
After the match, the Guns shake the hands of Jay Lethal, but when Creed extends a hand, Sabin shoves him and walks away.
Karen’s Angle with Frank Trigg for some ungodly reason. Tell the fans about how you started in MMA, Frankie? He wanted to support his wrestling habit. He had a supportive wife who never wanted to be on TV. Let’s talk about Kurt? Frank called him and told him that he wanted Kurt’s help. Frank won’t stop bringing up the AJ Styles situation. Which gets security knocked the hell out and thankfully ends the segment.
Video package of the AJ Styles/Kurt Angle rivalry, leading into their last man standing match this Sunday at Hard Justice.
Rundown of the card for Hard Justice.
JB is standing by with Kurt Angle. I wasn’t paying attention to his question, and then Kurt started babbling about being a wrestler, and how he took AJ under his wing and AJ turned on him. So yeah, sure, last man standing this Sunday, because it’s personal and Angle wants to hurt AJ. And it starts tonight!
Lauren is in the back with the Beautiful People and Awesome Kong. I hate Velvet Sky’s shirt – it’s a knockoff of the Run DMC logo that says “OMG WTF.” Anyways, they kick Lauren out and Angelina says that their team is a deadly combination of beauty and beast. Kong is an Animal, and she loves Chinese, Gail. She also loves white bread, Taylor. And she also loves obnoxious dirty beeotches. Love says to take a good look, girls, because in three days, they’ll be the victims.
Beer Money & Team 3D vs. LAX, Christian Cage, & Rhino in a No DQ Match
Christian got the video game video entrance. This match starts off in a brawl, but I’m sure you smart BoredWrestlingFan readers figured that one out. Rhino Gores everybody on the other team early in the match, and the faces take control as we head to a commercial break. When we come back, the faces maintain control – but not for long. The action goes back and forth, but no tables yet. At least it’s slowed down a little, but it’s still a crazy match. Not to mention a pretty damned good match. This one ended when the employed half of America’s Most Wanted (yes kids, that means that Chris Harris was released from his WWE contract today) inadvertantly spit beer in the face of his own partner, allowing Roode to be rolled up by Homicide for the win.
After the match, Johnny Devine gives a kendo stick to Brother Ray, who takes out all of the faces with it. Both Team 3D and Beer Money hit their finishers. Brother Devon and Johnny Devine brought out the glass table, but Beer Money put Homicide through it before 3D could use it on Rhino – much to the dismay of Brother Ray and Brother Devon. Hector Guerrero and the TNA trainers check on Homicide, who is covered in glass, bleeding, and looks to have gotten glass in his eye. Tenay shoots us to break as Homicide is tended to.
TNA Rough Cut: Taylor Wilde. The other Knockouts talk about how she’s got a target on her back now that she’s the champion. They even had a sound clip from Hugh Morris!
Awesome Kong and The Beautiful People are on their way to the ring with Raesha Saeed. Kong is taking on LAX’s Salinas. Speaking of LAX, Homicide has been taken to the hospital after going through that glass table moments ago. Looks like Salinas might get the room next to him, because Kong is about to devour her…
Awesome Kong vs. Salinas
Salinas lasted about 30 seconds before getting hit with the Awesome Bomb. Kong destroyed her.
Angelina Love gets the mic. Salinas got a boo-boo, awww. Holler. Hey, Gail, ODB, and Taylor – look what Kong did! It’s just a preview of what’s going to happen to them at Hard Justice. She sicks Kong on Salinas again, and Kong hits an implant buster. Angelina doesn’t think they made their point perfectly clear. Velvet Sky grabs a chair and places it in the ring. The Beautiful People start chanting “do it, do it.” Gail Kim, ODB, and Taylor Wilde make the save. Wilde avoids an Awesome Bomb, dropkicks Kong a few times, and comes off the top rope- and eats a Kong Clothesline. Kong goes for the Awesome Bomb on the chair – but Wilde is saved once again by Abyss. Kong isn’t scared. She stands face to face with him, but Raesha Saeed convinces her that it’s a bad idea. Then Saeed slapped Abyss, whose attention turns to the chair. He looks at it as Saeed is still in the ring. He reels back with it, and Saeed jets. Security comes in and takes the chair from Abyss, and eats a Black Hole Slam for his trouble as The Beautiful People, Kong, and Saeed back out of the iMPACT Zone.
JB is with Booker T and Sharmell, asking about the gauntlet match tonight and the match at Hard Justice. Will Booker T be the new World Heavyweight Champion? Booker tells “Jeremiah” that Joe can’t beat him. So to answer his question, yes. Not only that, he’s going to hurt Joe tonight. He’s in TNA to prove that he’s the best. JB asks if Sting will be there on Sunday. Booker says that Sting wouldn’t miss it for the world. In fact, he’ll be here tonight. He calls Sting “The real Bat Man.” Ha ha, how punny, Book. They share a toast to Booker T.
Rundown of the Hard Justice card – again.
Lauren tells Samoa Joe what Booker just said. Stings going to show his face tonight? Why is he ducking Joe? Because he’s a coward. Joe won’t make the same mistake he made at Victory Road, he’s not going to show any compassion. At Hard Justice, the champ is coming for his belt.
Recap of Sting’s actions since Victory Road. You know, the ones we don’t really know for sure to be Sting. Yeah, those.
JB is standing by with AJ Styles. JB’s never seen Kurt as focused as he is right now. Is AJ prepared? How could Kurt say that AJ was a nobody? AJ helped build this company six years ago. If anything, it was Kurt Angle who jumped on the bandwagon, and AJ befriended him. He looked Kurt straight in the eyes and told him that he didn’t sleep with Karen. Kurt isn’t a hero like the troops – Kurt’s a punk who got lucky and got a gold medal. At Hard Justice, AJ is going to be the last man standing, he guarantees it.
Samoa Joe, BG James, and Matt Morgan are walking with weapons backstage.
It’s time for the 8-man, 2-entrance, weapons gauntlet match. Elimination happens via over the top rope to the floor until there are two guys left – you know what, it’s the same rules as the Knockouts one from a while back. Anyways…
8 Man weapons gauntlet match
Kurt Angle and AJ Styles start this one – Kurt’s got a trash can, AJ has a ladder. They don’t use them right away, they actually wrestle momentarily. When AJ gets the ladder, Angle hits him with the trash can when he tries to get back in, and tries to dump AJ out. Doesn’t work though, and it’s back to a back and forth battle between these two, and they knock each other down as the next two participants come out – Tomko and Matt Morgan. These two go after each other with weapons, winding up outside the ring by going through the ropes, leaving AJ and Kurt in the ring. Kurt tries to eliminate AJ, but AJ lands on the apron and nails a springboard shoulderblock. AJ sets up the chair in the corner, and the match goes back and forth again until Angle slingshots Styles into the chair as the next participants come out – BG James and Kyp James, who start going at it without even getting into the ring first. BG hits Kyp with a sign that sums up Kyp’s entire career – “DEAD END.” Back in the ring, Kurt takes a sick shot with the ladder and starts bleeding profusely. he’s losing a SICK amount of blood. Angle is still fighting though, but gets hit with a Pele as Samoa Joe and Booker T come down to the ring. Joe beats Book with a security baton. Angle, Styles, Booker T and Samoa Joe are in the ring, with BG and Kyp James, Matt Morgan, and Tomko still legal as we go to a commercial break. During the break, Kyp James was eliminated. It was supposed to be Kevin Nash, but at least they got some schmuck to do it. Angle gets eliminated by Styles, and Styles by Booker T – and Angle puts the Ankle Lock on Styles on the floor. Tomko knocked Joe down with a chair, and Joe rolled out of the ring – he’s still legal though. The canvas is soaked in blood as Tomko and Booker T eliminate Matt Morgan. They then turn their sites to Joe, who rolled back in the ring. Booker hits a super kick on Joe, then goes for another kick – but Joe moves out of the rings and Book catches the ropes, and Joe ducks out of the ring of a charging Tomko, who eliminates Booker. We’re down to Tomko and Joe, which means that it’s now pinfall or submission – Joe hits the muscle buster and gets the three for the win!
Joe tells Booker that at Hard Justice, the champ is coming for his belt. After he’s done with Book, Sting is next! Sting’s music plays, the strobe lights hit, and Joe sees Sting up in the rafters, pointing his bat down at Joe.
We get a Hard Justice preview video to end the show.
That is how you sell a Pay Per View. If it weren’t for SummerSlam being this month, I’d consider ordering it. I’ve spoken to other people who feel differently, but in my opinion, Hard Justice, save for the stupid and convoluted – but totally sensible – tuxedo match between Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt, is going to be worth the money.
It was a bad night for LAX, as Salinas was devoured by Kong after Homicide went through a glass table at the hands of Beer Money.
Speaking of bad nights, Kurt Angle took a sick bump with a ladder that left him bleeding worse than Shawn Michaels at the Great American Bash. Unlike HBK though, Kurt was busted hardway. It was sick!
I suppose that I should talk about Booker T and Samoa Joe, but I don’t really care all that much at this point. Though I am interested to see what happens with this whole Sting angle.
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