Home ▸ Other ▸ BoredWrestlingFan WrestleMania week – WrestleMania VII review!

Last year, I did reviews of the first six WrestleMania events as part of WrestleMania week.  I complained a lot after that week about how bad WrestleMania V was.  This year, I’m picking up where I left off, with WrestleMania VII – and the best part about it is, I don’t have to buy the individual events, I can just pull them up on the WWE Network!  So, without further adieu, I review WrestleMania VII – Superstars and Stripes Forever!

Tonight (if tonight was March 24, 1991)!  Sgt Slaughter defends the WWF Championship against The Immortal Hulk Hogan!  But first, Willie Nelson sings “America The Beautiful!”

What I think of you if you don’t respect Willie Nelson.

Gorilla Monsoon is by himself, but he’s not alone.  He brings out Hacksaw Jim Duggan, dressed as Uncle Sam, to do color commentary.  Later on tonight, we’ll see “Macho King” Randy Savage take on The Ultimate Warrior in a career vs. career match, and Hulk Hogan challenges Sgt. Slaughter for the WWF Championship.  But first, let’s go to Sean Mooney, who is with The Rockers.

The Rockers say Haku and The Barbarian are big dudes, but The Rockers defy the odds.

Our opening contest is a tag team attraction, scheduled for one fall.  Haku & The Barbarian are already in the ring with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan as Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty make their way out.  The Rockers are tag team specialists, and they prove it in the early going.  After Barbarian and Haku take a breather outside to talk strategy with The Brain, they take control of the match, isolating Jannetty in their corner.  Jannetty finally manages to get to the corner, and Michaels comes in and cleans house.  All four men wind up in the ring, but The Barbarian gets taken out.  Haku takes a Jannetty missile dropkick and a Shawn Michaels top rope splash, and Michaels pins Haku for the win.

Hall of Famer count:  5 (Hacksaw, Gorilla, Heenan, Howard Finkel, and Michaels)

Duggan takes off and Bobby Heenan jumps in on commentary.  Meanwhile, Mean Gene Okerlund is backstage with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples, and Alex Trebek.  Regis says he’s had all of the Superstars on his show, and he’s glad to be on their show now, but he’s afraid of Earthquake.  Marla Maples is excited because she’s never done interviews in a men’s locker room before.  Alex Trebek says the answer is Guest Ring Announcer.  Gene can’t figure out how to respond.  Trebek throws it back to ringside.

What is water skiing?

In the ring, Dino Bravo is with Jimmy Hart.  He’s facing The Texas Tornado, Kerry Von Erich.  I get a phone call in the middle of this match and can’t manage to get it to pause, so I missed a minute or two of it.  Bravo works over Von Erich, but gets caught in the Von Erich claw hold as he comes off the second rope.  Bravo gets to the ropes, but Von Erich hits the tornado punch for the victory.

Hall of Famer count: 8 (adding Okerlund, Von Erich, and Jimmy Hart)

Sean Mooney is with The Warlord and Slick.  Slick says The British Bulldog is going to get fixed, because every dog knows that when you gotta go, you gotta go.  Warlord says British Bulldog will not be able to break the full nelson.  Okerlund is with Davey Boy Smith and Winston.  He says it’s his day because he’ll break the full nelson.  Winston wants Warlord to know that there’s no bull in this Bulldog.

Slick and The Warlord are already in the ring, Bulldog makes his way down, and we’ve got our next match.  I only half pay attention.  Which is weird, because this is the first match on the card that actually had a story coming in.  Warlord eventually gets the full nelson on the Bulldog, but doesn’t seem to have it locked in.  “There’s no quit in the British Bulldog.  There’s no quit in Davey Boy either!”  You don’t say, Gorilla.  Bulldog breaks out of the full nelson, and drops Warlord with the running powerslam to pick up the victory.

Hall of Famer count: still 7

Mean Gene is with Jimmy Hart and the Nasty Boys, who have a Tag Team Championship match against The Hart Foundation.  They babble on about everything crumbling down if you break the foundation.  Knobbs uses Gene’s handkerchief and stuffs it back in his pocket.  Sean Mooney is with The Hart Foundation.  Jim Neidhart says to crack the foundation, they have to be right at the bottom, and that’s right where the Nasty Boys are.  Bret Hart says the Nastys are at the bottom of the barrel, and that’s where they’ll stay.  They don’t have heart, so they can’t take the titles from the Hart Foundation.  Or something like that.

Jimmy Hart leads The Nasty Boys to the ring for their Tag Team Title shot.  The Hart Foundation follow, and we’re underway!  Macauley Culkin is seen in the crowd.  Gorilla says he doesn’t want to be Home Alone with The Nasty Boys.  Get it?  Home Alone?  Oh Gorilla, you so crazy!  Jerry Saggs and Bret Hart kick things off.  Brian Knobbs tries to get involved but he’s cut off by The Hitman.  The Hart Foundation actually dominate the early going.  Hart actually takes Saggs down with the side Russian leg sweep and the middle rope elbow, but Knobbs got in the ring and took Hart down, turning the tide in the favor of the Nastys.  They cut The Hitman off from The Anvil.  Knobbs inadvertently hits Saggs though, and The Anvil gets the tag and takes over.  The Hart Foundation hits the Hart Attack on Knobbs, but as the referee is trying to get Bret Hart out of the ring, Saggs hits Neidhart with Jimmy Hart’s motorcycle helmet, and Knobbs picks up the pinfall victory over The Anvil, and the Nasty Boys are your new World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions.

Hall of Famer count:  9 (adding Bret “Hitman” Hart)

Last October on the Brother Love Show (assuming, again, that today is March 24, 1991), Rick Martel sprayed his cologne, Arrogance, in the eyes of Jake The Snake Roberts, temporarily blinding him.  Roberts says a snake has six senses, and snakes always do it better in the dark.

Rick Martel is in the ring, awaiting Roberts, as we’re set for a blindfold match.  Roberts uses his popularity with the fans to find Martel by pointing in his general direction and relying on the fans to tell him where he is.  This match is actually terrible.  Nothing against the two wrestlers, because they’re both great wrestlers.  It’s just two guys wearing hoods pointing and crawling around.  Martel somehow gets a steel chair, and hurts himself when he hits the ringpost on the outside.  Martel finally catches Roberts, and gets him in the Boston Crab, but Snake gets out of it.  Jake catches Martel with the DDT, and after fumbling around trying to find him, Roberts pins him.  After the match, Roberts smashes the Arrogance atomizer.  Then he gets Damien out and drapes him over Martel.

Hall of Famer count: 10 (adding 2014 inductee Jake Roberts)

Marla Maples is with the new WWF Tag Team Champions, The Nasty Boys, who are celebrating, and joined by The Mountie, Dino Bravo, and The Earthquake.  She can’t get a word in edgewise and the champagne is freely flowing.

Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka is in the ring.  His opponent is making his WrestleMania debut.  Accompanied by Paul Bearer, it’s The Undertaker.  Children in the crowd look terrified as The Undertaker comes out, and rightfully so.  That’s a scary dude.  Undertaker takes control in the early going, attacking Snuka from behind as the bell sounds.  Undertaker hits a flying clothesline and just stalks Snuka.  Snuka is actually dominated early on.  He avoids an elbow drop, but The Undertaker takes everything Snuka throws at him, as if he doesn’t feel the pain.  Snuka tries to launch himself at Undertaker but is caught in midair.  Moments later, Undertaker drops Snuka with the Tombstone, and he’s now 1 – 0 at WrestleMania.

Hall of Famer count: 12 (adding Snuka and 2014 inductee Paul Bearer)

Last November (again, assuming we’re watching this show in 1991), Macho King Randy Savage attacked WWF Champion The Ultimate Warrior on Saturday Night’s Main Event.  Then in January at the Royal Rumble, he cost Warrior the WWF Championship because he refused to grant Savage a title shot.  So now, we’ve got a career ending match.  Whoever loses is out of a job.  Bobby Heenan points out Miss Elizabeth in the audience.  Warrior walks methodically to the ring as opposed to his usual running.  Warrior has the WWF Championship airbrushed on his tights with the quote “Means much more than this.”  Savage tries to sneak attack but Warrior sees him coming.  Finally they lock up and the match gets underway.  Sensational Queen Sherri tries to distract Warrior, but it doesn’t work.  She tries to get involved again, but Warrior throws Savage into her.  Savage finally starts to mount a bit of a comeback, but Warrior catches him out of the air on a top rope cross body attempt.  Warrior sets him down, as if to say “what else you got?”  Savage throws a chair in the ring to distract the referee but Warrior still won’t let Savage take control of the match.  Savage finally manages to get some separation from Warrior, sending him over the top and to the floor, where Sherri attacks him.  Savage drops the double axe handle from the top rope to the floor, and Sherri goes after Warrior again.  Warrior finally has enough and shoves her down, but as his attention is turned to her, Savage attacks from behind.  Sherri gets another shot in before Warrior winds up back in the ring.  Warrior shakes off Savage’s attacks.  Sherri tries to distract Warrior again, but Savage gets caught trying to attack.  Savage ducks a shoulder tackle attempt and gets Warrior locked in a sleeper.  Warrior escapes, and both men take each other down with a double clothesline.  Sherri tries desperately to wake Savage up.  Warrior gets Savage rolled up in a small package, but the referee is busy with Sherri.  Savage attacks Warrior from behind as he’s questioning the referee, knocking him right into the referee.  Savage holds Warrior, and Sherri climbs to the top, but Warrior escapes and Sherri hits Savage.  Warrior stalks Sherri, but Savage rolls him up as he catches her, scoring a two count.  Savage takes Warrior down, and drops not one, not two, not three, but four top rope elbows – and Warrior kicks out at two!  Warrior starts shaking the ropes, nails Savage three times with right hands, and three clotheslines.  He hits the press slam, then the Warrior splash, but Savage kicks out at two!  Both men refuse to lose.  Warrior looks up to the sky, then down to his hands, asking “what can I do?”  He steps out of the ring.  The referee tries to convince him to get back in the ring.  Warrior stands on the apron but Savage knocks him off.  Sherri holds Warrior in place, but Warrior powers out as Savage goes for a top rope axe handle to the floor again.  Back in the ring, Warrior hits a flying clothesline, knocking Savage out of the ring.  Warrior tosses him back in.  Warrior hits the shoulder tackle, knocking Savage out of the ring again.  Once again, Warrior throws him back in.  He hits another shoulder tackle, again knocking Savage to the outside.  He drags Savage back in the ring and pins him with one foot on his chest.  Randy Savage is done.  Warrior puts his entrance attire back on and celebrates as the referee tends to Savage.  As Warrior leaves, Sherri gets in the ring and starts berating Savage.  She starts physically assaulting him as well.  Elizabeth can’t take anymore, and she jumps the barricade and throws Sherri out of the ring.  Savage doesn’t realize what’s going on.  He gets up and realizes that he’s in the ring with Elizabeth.  He finally realizes that it was Sherri who attacked him after the match.  Liz has tears in her eyes as she looks at the Macho King.  Finally, the two embrace.  She goes to hold the ropes for him like old times, but he refuses, and holds the ropes for him.

Hall of Famer count: 14 (adding Sensational Sherri and 2014 inductee Ultimate Warrior)

Regis Philbin is backstage with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer.  He asks them about the celebration they’re having.  They don’t answer.  Undertaker starts measuring Regis.  They won’t answer any of his questions.  Alex Trebek is elsewhere backstage with Demolition and Mister Fuji.  He explains Jeopardy to them.  He thinks the qualities that make good Jeopardy contestants would make for good WWF Superstars.  Smash says the only man with all the answers is Master Fuji.  Back to Regis, who is with Tenryu and Kitao from Japan.  He welcomes them to America, but they don’t give him any answers to any of the questions he’s asking.  He says Toyota and gets a response.  Then Izuzu.  Then Columbia Pictures.  They say “Kathy Lee.”  He explains that he’s Regis, and Kathy Lee is at home.  Back to Alex Trebek who is with Jake Roberts and Damien.  Trebek admits to being afraid of snakes.  Roberts says Damien watches his show all the time.  Trebek takes off, and Roberts says Damien will have to settle for the home version.

Demolition (Smash and Crush) and Mr. Fuji make their way out, followed by Tenryu and Kitao, their opponents for the evening.  This match doesn’t take long to break down.  Fuji whacks Kitao with his cane as the referee is busy with Tenryu and Smash on the other side of the ring.  This match is more about Bobby Heenan making fun of Kitao’s name than anything.  Demolition goes for the Demolition Decapitation Elbow, but Kitao knocks Crush off the ropes, and then they double team Smash to pick up the victory.

Hall of Famer count: 15 (adding Mr. Fuji)

Mean Gene is backstage with The Big Boss Man.  He’s mowed down the entire Heenan Family except for Mr. Perfect, and tonight, Perfect will be a perfect example that crime does not pay.  Sean Mooney is elsewhere with Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan.  Heenan says they’re in the home of the LAPD. He’s got a treat for us.  Push the VCR button on play, and you can see his brand of justice that Mr. Perfect will dish out.  Basically, Big Boss Man won’t Rodney King Mr. Perfect is the gist of this promo.

Boss Man is out first for this one, and he throws Mr. Perfect’s towel at him when he gets in the ring.  Perfect slaps Boss Man in the face.  Boss Man goes right after Perfect, and it’s all Boss Man early on.  I should probably mention at some point that this match is for Perfect’s Intercontinental Championship.  Boss Man tries to use his belt, but Perfect gets hold of it.  Or I think that’s what happened.  I was talking to my wife.  Perfect finally gets control of this match and uses the ropes for leverage as he gets Boss Man in various submission holds.  Actually, I take that back.  He puts on a perfectly clean abdominal stretch.  Perfect drops Boss Man and hits the snap mare, but he can’t get him over in the Perfect Plex.  Boss Man rolls it into a small package but only scores two.  Perfect takes Boss Man down again, then climbs to the top rope.  Whatever he was going for, Boss Man got his foot up and nails Perfect on the way down.  Boss Man starts gaining momentum, tossing Perfect all around the ring and crotching him on the ring post.  Ouch.  My video skips a bit, and suddenly Boss Man is down on the ground.  Heenan kicks him a couple of times while he’s down, and Andre The Giant comes out and starts stalking Heenan.  Meanwhile, Perfect took the turnbuckle pad off of one of the top turnbuckles.  Andre grabs the Intercontinental Title, much to the chagrin of Mr. Perfect.  Perfect rammed Boss Man’s head into the exposed turnbuckle, but the cameraman missed it.  With the referee distracted by Heenan, Andre nails Perfect, so both men are down in the ring.  Boss Man gets up first, but only gets a two count on Perfect.  The Barbarian and Haku jump in the ring and attack Boss Man.  Andre takes out Perfect on the outside, Boss Man takes out Haku and Barbarian inside the ring, and despite being the man left standing, Big Boss Man won by disqualification and therefore doesn’t win the Intercontinental Championship.  The Giant and the Boss Man shake hands in the aisle after the match.

Hall of Famer count: 17 (adding Mr. Perfect and Andre The Giant)

Earthquake makes his way to the ring, accompanied by Jimmy Hart as Bobby Heenan returns to the broadcast booth.  Mean Gene is in the crowd with Donald Trump, who says it’s an unbelievable day, and he hopes to host another WrestleMania soon.  Chuck Norris jumps in to the conversation.  He says they wrestlers are great athletes.  Henry Winkler says he’s happy that The Ultimate Warrior got his Ultimate win.  Lou Ferrigno says it’s better than the Olympics and the circus put together.  While all this was going on, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine made his way to the ring.  Earthquake goes for an early cover but only gets two.  Hammer tries to hammer away on Quake, and gets him down to one knee, but Earthquake gets right back up.  Hammer finally knocks the big man down with a second rope elbow.  He calls for the figure four, but he gets distracted by Jimmy Hart.  He goes for it again, and Hart distracts him again.  Earthquake gets back up, takes Hammer down, and drops the elbow.  He signals for his finisher, and he hits it, picking up the victory.  Hart tells him to do it again, but Valentine sees it coming and rolls out of the ring.

Hall of Famer count: 19 (adding Valentine and Donald Trump)

Backstage, Sean Mooney is with The Legion of Doom.  Animal says they should have had the title shots tonight but Power and Glory interfered where they didn’t belong, so now they’re going down.  Hawk says when they get done with Power and Glory, they’ll be shower and gory?  Or something like that?  I have no idea.

Power and Glory are in the ring with Slick.  LOD comes out and we’ve got ourselves a tag team match.  Power and Glory attack LOD from behind.  Hawk ducks a double clothesline attempt and takes Hercules and Paul Roma down with a double clothesline of his own.  Hawk and Herc end up on the outside, Roma gets caught out of midair by Animal, who sets him up for the Doomsday Device, which Hawk hits, and this match is over!  Oh, what a rush!

Hall of Famer count:  21 (adding LOD)

We flash back to the relationship between Ted DiBiase and Virgil, including Virgil taking a cheap shot on DiBiase at the Royal Rumble, and then costing DiBiase a match with some ham and egger on Superstars by count-out.  And Virgil misspelling “man” V-I-R-G-I-L.  DiBiase is out first for this one.  Virgil is introduced by Rowdy Roddy Piper, who is on a crutch, apparently from a motorcycle accident.  Virgil uses his quickness to avoid strikes by the Million Dollar Man, and drops his former employer with a shot of his own.  Virgil continues to rope-a-dope DiBiase, frustrating the Million Dollar Man.  DiBiase continually rolls out of the ring to regroup.  “You know, Virgil works out an awful lot.  They named a move after him.  You ever heard of the Dumbbell?”  Gotta love Bobby Heenan.  DiBiase finally takes control of this match, and he knocks Piper over on the outside as well.  DiBiase tries to bounce off the ropes, but Piper pulls the top rope down with his crutch.  DiBiase knocks Piper down again, but in his distraction, he gets counted out.  Afterward, DiBiase assaults Virgil, and then Piper assaults DiBiase, and then Sensational Sherri runs out to make the save.  She and DiBiase work over Piper with the crutch.  He deserves it for interfering in this match.  Virgil runs them off, and he encourages Roddy to get up.  So he does.

Hall of Famer count:  23 (adding DiBiase and Piper)

Sgt. Slaughter is with Sean Mooney and General Adnan.  Adnan says something in Iraqi, or whatever it is they speak over there.  Slaughter says he is the new ruler of the World Wrestling Federation and Hogan is playing by his rules now.  He’s the WWF Champion and there’s nothing Hogan can do about it.  Then we see clips of Slaughter using a steel chair to take out Hogan on a previous show.  Slaughter says he may get disqualified or counted out, and Hogan won’t be the Champion.

Back in the arena, The Mountie is in the ring.  He’s facing Tito Santana.  Santana quickly hits the flying forearm, sending The Mountie out into the arms of his manager Jimmy Hart.  Santana throws him back in the ring, and despite his attempts to escape, Santana keeps him in there.  Mountie gets ahold of his cattle prod and zaps Santana with it right in the gut out of sight of the referee, then covers him for the quick victory.

Hall of Famer count: 25 (adding Slaughter and Santana)

Gene Okerlund is with Hulk Hogan, who says it was no laughing matter when Slaughter torched the banner of Hulkamania.  All Slaughter knows is ground warfare.  This is the Hulkster of 1991, and Slaughter underestimated the enemy, he has no idea what kind of secret weapons he and his Hulksters have in store.  We’re then shown a clip of Slaughter assaulting Hogan on a previous show.  Gene wonders if Hogan is still the same man after that attack.  Hogan says no, and to wait until he gets in the ring to see what kind of man he is.

Howard Finkel introduces guest ring announcer Alex Trebek, guest time keeper Marla Maples, and Regis Philbin.  Trebek introduces Slaughter first.  Because the Champion is supposed to come out first, right?  Hogan comes out, and we’ve got a WWF Championship match.  And I’ve got a low battery on the device I’m watching on.  So hopefully this doesn’t take too long.  If I could find an extra extension cord, I suppose I wouldn’t have to worry about it.  Slaughter uses General Adnan to distract Hogan and take advantage in the early going of the match.  Regis is on commentary, wondering why Heenan would be rooting for Slaughter.  Hogan starts mounting a comeback, and Adnan gets up on the apron, but Hogan knocks him off, then turns back to Slaughter.  Hogan maintains control of the match for a while, working over Slaughter for the entire USA.  Hogan actually goes to the top rope, but Adnan grabs his leg and slows his progress, allowing Slaughter the time to throw Hogan down to the canvas.  Slaughter knocks Hogan out of the ring, then hits him with a chair, and chokes him out with a camera wire.  Back in the ring, Slaughter zeroes in on the lower back of the Hulkster.  He locks the challenger in the Boston Crab, right by the ring ropes, certainly close enough for Hogan to grab them, which he eventually does.  I finally have to plug my device in to watch the last few minutes of the match.  Slaughter climbs to the top rope and drops a knee into the lower back of Hogan, but the referee is tied up with Adnan.  Hogan kicks out at two when the ref finally sees the cover.  Slaughter nails Hogan with a chair behind the referee’s back.  Hogan kicks out at two once again, and he’s bleeding profusely.  Slaughter continues to work over Hogan, but Hogan refuses to stay down.  Slaughter locks in the Camel Clutch.  Hogan manages to stand up with Slaughter still on his back.  Slaughter sends Hogan sternum first into the turnbuckle.  Slaughter takes the Iraqi flag, drapes it over Hogan, and covers him – but only scores a two before Hogan kicks out.  Hogan tears the Iraqi flag and starts to Hulk up.  Three right hands, a big boot, and the legdrop – one, two, three!  For the third time, Hulk Hogan is your new World Wrestling Federation Champion!  Hogan puts the belt on and poses with Old Glory to end WrestleMania 7!

Hall of Famer count:  26 (adding Hogan)

ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts:  USA!  USA!  USA!  Quite honestly, aside from the couple of main matches, like Hogan/Slaughter and Warrior/Savage, a pretty lackluster show looking back on it.  They hadn’t really started to go with the huge undercard made up of nothing but matches with a storyline behind it at this point.  People were tired of Hogan by this point, but you couldn’t really root against him here because of the story that made up this match.  I’ll be honest here, I don’t know if I’m going to get through all 6 of the shows I want to this week, but I’m going to try my best.  See you (hopefully) tomorrow for WrestleMania 8!

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