Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT 03/17/11: St. PatMan’s Day

Coming hot off the heels as possibly the worst PPV of all time, TNA has some problems to deal with. First, Jeff Hardy screwed up again, showing up likely high as a kite and Sting refused to work with him. Second, they gave us a non-finish for the number one contender’s match between Mr. Anderson and RVD. Third, Some Internet Guy had possibly the best match on the card with AJ Styles. What in the hell?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

Featured: TNA bookers hard at work. You’ll notice only one guy is doing anything, while the rest look on. You’ll also notice that NONE of this has ANYTHING to do with wrestling…

– The show has no title tonight, but it does have a NEW title belt donned over the shoulder of Sting as he makes his entrance. Nice to see they turfed the Hardy Butterfly Belt (his stash was in it). Sting will not let the show start until Hogan comes out to talk to him. Easy-Eric Bischoff is out as well. “This is all that’s left of Jeff Hardy, you can do what ever you want with it,” says Sting handing Hulk the Butterfly Belt, to which Hulk tosses out of the ring. Sting states that Eric and Hulk corrupted Hardy and opened the door for his downfall, although acknowledging Hardy did make his own choices. Sting plans on challenging the enabling false pretenses that Hulk allows for.

– Hulk retorts asking who Sting thinks he is, coming in and out of the promotion, and that it was Jeff Hardy who let Immortal down, not the other way around. Jeff is totally buried. Hogan notes that Immortal is at the top of their game, and they are all main-eventers. You know, like Gunner and his Pal. Rob “Juice-Master” Terry as well? WTF?

Featured: Terry at the top of his game… main-eventing, etc.

– Enter Bully Bubba Ray. He has been talking to Hogan, and notes that “there would be no wrestling business if it wasn’t for [Hogan].” Props, fellatio, etc. And his rant, while good, essentially is just noting that Sting is jealous of Hulk. Bubba asks to join Immortal and wants a title shot to end Sting’s run…. oh crap, here comes like 2319874235 more guys.

Pauly Shore thaws out a caveman to join the fray, the gang’s all here!

– Fourtune is out. Commercials are on… When we return, AJ runs down Bubba as needed someone else, and he can’t do it on his own. Hmm… this coming from a guy in a faction. Bubba returns noting that AJ is a “small man in a world with giants.” AJ slaps Bubba across the face! But wait! There’s more… fuck…. here comes Mr. Anderson. Why does every TNA show start like this? “This is the portion of the show where the resident asshole comes out, and asks WHERE’S MY TITLE REMATCH!!” and so forth. Some people have been hating on Anderson’s bit lately, not me…. I’m loving it. Hogan notes Anderson couldn’t beat RVD, so Anderson calls him Terrance. Eric interrupts (yeah, he’s still out), and says the Network wants ratings, so let’s have a four way… Anderson, Bubba, AJ, and I guess RVD (that wasn’t made clear).

Charles Barkley @G: “I actually bought the PPV based on your reviews, G. It made me so mad I want to fight Scottie Pippen.”

G @Charles Barkley: “You did? Sorry man, I usually steal those and can hook you up wouldn’t want that fate bestowed on anyone!”

– AJ runs into RVD backstage, who looks sad that his bong-buddy and best hook up for chronic got sent home. AJ says he’ll watch RVD’s back. RVD, says he’s going to win that match on his own because that title is his to begin with since he never actually lost it. Yep, same shtick.

Charles Barkley @G: “Ha ha! G, I would never purchase that crap. I can’t believe I fooled your silly honkey ass! I’d still fight Pippen though”

G @Charles Barkley: “Barkley, your a dick. I’m gonna let you rot in jail next time, say hi to Jeff Hardy for me.”

– Knockout Championship Match – Alyssa Flash versus Madison Rayne! FUCK YEAH! Oh wait, Madison attacks Alyssa upon entry, cold-cocking her with the belt and wins in mere seconds… out runs Mickie James and the heels flee… Mickie grabs a microphone and demands a title shot, but Madison notes they’ve done that before, and wants more on the line. Madison wants to Mickie James’ hair on the line… James accepts.

Man, I’ve got basketball on the brain with March Madness opening weekend rolling! Taking tomorrow off (the day at least) and am just going to smark out…

– Backstage, Pope directs some random folks how to react when he “heals” them like those old carnival style religious scams. You know, using the power of the lord to heal a blindman, or something. Pretty funny bit…

– Anderson is yelling at Hogan, asking to know why he is fighting for a title shot that he already has the rights too… Hogan doesn’t seem to care, and notes he will do it his way or too bad.

– Here’s the Pope’s healing session. In Your Pope, My Pope, THE Pope’s ring is a blindman, a wheelchair bound man, and a lady in an obvious fatsuit. Miracles waiting to happen actually… Pope asks the crowd if he can get an “amen,” to which the iMPACT complies with. This is pretty good stuff! Like the Wizard of Oz, Pope gives sight to the blind, legs to the lame… then approaches the obese lady… but notes, “You know what? I don’t even think Jesus could help you lose weight,” he says heeltastically with a chuckle…. here comes Samoa Joe! Pope uses his healed people as a diversion to avoid Joe, then grabs Okato!!! Pope is taking Okato “to the street,” which is a metaphor I guess, because he cheap shots Joe’s guy. End segment.

Pippin @G: “W-w-why does Barkley want to fight a mere hobbit?”

G @Pippin: “Ok, how does one stutter in a tweet? Also, why do fictional characters keep messaging me during iMPACT? He’s talking about PIPPEN of the Chicago Bulls fame. WTF? Oh wait, it’s TNA… and thereby all logic goes out the window.”

– Backstage, Pope has Okato tied up and continues to tell him he’s going to take him to the street as he smacks him around. Ok. After a a couple minutes of beating on him, Joe runs in and rescues his camera man.

– RVD confronts Anderson, and more or less accuses Anderson of joining Immortal, and Anderson points out that with the way that Rob blew AJ off that who is to say RVD isn’t in bed with Hogan.

Some Internet Guy Fact# 82912: Matt is unaware that I have two week old gravy in my fridge that I should probably throw out. Also, he hasn’t appeared on tonight’s show yet.

– Angelina and Velvet are talking about being in a street fight tonight, and Winter enters claiming that Winter is tagging with Angelina tonight. After some mellodrama, Angelina and Winter walk off as Sky asks, “What the hell is going on here?” Well, you know the rules… and it’s PatMan’s day… all kleenex is dyed green in his honour!!

Yes, all that green beer WILL make your bowel movements green.

– Jarrett and Karen are out, and the “retired MMA expert” says he’s going to rise up and be the better man for a truce for the kids. Jeff is great here in his delivery, very swarthy. Angle comes out with a giant gift wrapped box….

– I take a quick break to catch up on some NHL highlights, noting my boys (The Edmonton Oilers) lost again to the Winnipeg Coyotes. And while they are on the skids, they are calling up their farm league guys to develop and build their franchise as opposed to signing castoffs from previously successful franchises and hoping to be a better team right away. COUGH! TNA! COUGH! See what I did there? Anyways… back to the show…

I’m starting to think my next Oilers jersey will have the name Eberle on the back. Some of you might think it would be “Hall” for interestingly coincidental reasons, but you’d be wrong. Clutch player man, clutch.

– BACK TO THE SHOW! Jeff opens the box! HIS EYES MELT! Oh wait, wrong channel… that was Raiders of the Lost Ark. It’s a guitar with an American flag painted on it. Jarret’s facial expression is one of total joy, they hug. Then Angle smashes the guitar into the head of Jeff! So Karen goes for a cheap nut shot on Kurt, BUT NO!!! Angle smiles villainously and pulls a cup from his crotch and tosses it at Karen. Kurt then grabs a microphone and demands a steel cage match (aren’t they all in cages?) at Lockdown to settle this. Jeff has juiced… and appears to concede. Kurt says he better not try to get out of this, or he will hunt him down.

– Bischoff talks to the members of Immortal that are at the top of their game, main-eventers, Rob Terry, Gunner and His Pal. It’s a pep talk, and Eric tells them that they need to fight each other for the Television Title tonight with Abyss still out. He wants them to go hard, but leave it in the ring even though they are supposed to be on the same side.

Usually when I eat a sandwich, I find myself ending up shooting someone too. This animated gif totally speaks to me.

– Karen is seen screaming on the phone to someone about Kurt being crazy. It’s the police. Jeff notes he’s been pushed too far. Me? I am loving the uber-crazy sadistic side of Angle lately. Has it been over-the-top-stupid? Yes. It’s been a dream! SWOON!

-Gunner/Rob Terry/His Pal Gunner and His Pal come out together to the same entrance even though they are against each other. Fail. The two hosses show some dissention in the ring to start, in a bickering fashion, before the reason that the exemplar of why there is a wellness-policy in WWE comes out in the form of Robert Terry. Fortunately, we cut to the police coming to the arena to address Karen’s accusations of Kurt assaulting her:

Cough… cough…

– In about two minutes, the match ends with Gunner as your (our?) new television champion. This was horrible. Cut to AJ talking about becoming the new number one contender tonight, but is not very good here. Enter WOOOO!!!! Ric Flair who begins to cut him off, only to be smacked down (literally) by Styles who follows the teleprompter to exeunt stage left.

Well, since I already mentioned hockey and what day it is… all I can say is,”Ugghh…”. I am no Atlanta Thrashers fan, but I call Jersey Foul on the team’s St. Patrick Day look. Sorry, just not cool. What the hell is the connection to this team? Desperation to sell tickets in a market that doesn’t know hockey even exists? Boo!

– Speaking of which, I see an American based advertisement with Wayne Gretzky selling shoes. Pretty awesome that he’s still recognized in the U.S. to get this endorsement. Sorry Yankees, nothing personal. If Ric Flair is “God” in wrestling, as is Gretzky in hockey. Nice to see the Great One (no, not the Rock), finally come back to shilling himself… Crap, lot’s of weird tie ins in my suffering through iMPACT tonight, huh?

– HAHAHHAHA!!! Deluxe iMPACT series toys advertisement that main-events Jeff Hardy as the biggest name of this line up of dolls. Brilliant.

– Karen complains to the cops, and Jeff also argues. This segment’s script probably just described the situation and told characters to yell and more or less say nothing, hence killing time. If so, they executed their roles on an Oscar level.

Featured: How WCW could have made “World War 3” even cooler.

– Hernandez/Rosita/Sarita versus Matt Morgan/The Beautiful People. Hernandez plays the old LAX Spanish American racist card here. The Mexican’s have taken over the US, as we are told. The Beautiful People intro music is different, I guess because Winter is representing Velvet here? Winter is wearing what almost looks like a blindfold, which reminds me of how angry I am at the servers for Homefront on XBL for my 360. I’m not getting into that again… still pissed….

– What a joke of a match. Morgan takes down Hernandez, they roll around or something. Then Winter somehow wins in like a minute and a half. Then some random Hispanic guy runs in and attacks Morgan post match! They have a new member in the Latino World Order part deux…. err… sorry… Dos. I live in Canada. Mexicans haven’t taken over here yet! Ha ha… That would be a fun version of Homefront, actually. In this version of the game, you use hockey sticks and maple-syrup-bombs to defend and retake your igloo. Best video game premise either.

It’s all about propaganda, folks! Send me money!

– RVD versus AJ Styles versus Mr. Anderson versus Bully Ray. There is technically 23 minutes left or so. I wonder if TNA will actually let them have an actual match on television? You know, actually fucking wrestle? Ha hahahahahahah we all know that won’t happen.

– What we get is all four getting beaten down by each other very quickly. Then the four each take turns hitting near falls and spots for a little while. Not too shabby. RVD appears to win, as Earl Hebner counts three… then as Hebner goes to talk to Borash at ringside, Bully Ray dukes out Hebner!!! REF BUMP! AJ and Bubba brawl outside “post match”? Tenay calls it, “total confusion” most appropriately… what the hell is going on? AJ goes to attack a downed Bubba with a chair, but only to catch a lowblow from Flair who sneak attacks him. In an unnecessary spot, Bubba Ray Bubba-bombs AJ through a table from the top of the entrance ramp! HOLY FUCK! The refs put up the cross symbol signifying a legit injury as we cut to commercials. Whether it’s a legit injury, that remains to be seen.

And there you are!

– EMT’s attend to AJ and put him in a stabilizer board. Bubba gets up during the break and attacks backstage guy, Al Snow. The announcers sell it like a legit injury. Anderson looks concerned. As all the backstage people seem to be holding off Bubba, he screams, “I hope you never wrestle again!” repeatedly. But then Bubba sits down in a corner in one shot after looking almost guilty. Fourtune comes out looking concerned, and we get about ten minutes of AJ being attended to.

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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