Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT: 07/15/10. Janice is the worst knockout ever…

Drowgoddess couldn’t be here today, but we at BWF will be stoked to hear her comments when possible. I just finished watching the Canadian broadcast of NXT when I noticed JoE threw the “G” symbol in the sky. So here is another installment of G’s retarded suffrage that is iMPACT…. you’ve been warned… or as one of my favorite all time wrasslin’ bloggers Zah would say Booyah!!!

We start with a run down of the top contenders for the World Heavy Weight Championship… Abyss is sitting at number one, and Angle is at 8. 7? That’s Hernandez, so SuperMex is slated to job to Angle next… just not tonight…

Scary shit

– Then Abyss comes out and there is a pig leg (or some cut of meat) lying in the ring… Abyss has his girl “Janice” who he calls his stick with nails in it. Obviously the meat is there so Abyss can go Deadliest Warrior on it…. and he does. The computer guys runs the simulated battles, and in the 1000 matches, Abyss wins 746 times… Then Abyss starts eating the meat as his theme plays… seriously? Meh…

Until Abyss faces this guy…

– Sarita and Taylor Wilde begin their street fight impromptu backstage, kind of boring. After some advertising, we return and the ladies are battling at ringside. Wilde lands an implant slap on Sarita. Stuff happens, in chaotic fashion until Sarita begins choking Wilde out with a purse strap. Daniel Bryan is immediately fired from whatever promotion he is working tonight… The ref concurs with the firing, and ends the match (which never really began).

– That plastic chick working for Bischoff is back stage yelling on the phone, until Kevin Nash enters and plays Mr. Cool with a girl like more than half his age. Jerry Lawler loves this part… He plans on fucking her around 10 PM tonight. She seems into getting it on with Grandpa!

Nash knows this book, word for word.

– Even though the WWE thinks they can copyright a definitive article like “the,” Brian Kendrick is in the ring to face Douglas Williams in an “I Quit” match. GIMMICKS!!! The match at the PPV was pretty good, and it continues here. “USA” chants break out because…. umm…. who fucking knows. Both men are putting on a really great match! Smiley faces and stuff… Rear naked choke on Williams allows Kendrick to pick up the win! YAY!

– Post match, Kevin Nash comes down and calls for a microphone. Kendrick approaches him and asks WTF? So Nash lays him out with little effort. HEY HEY! IT’S 1997 all over again!! Nash whines about no TV time. He points out that when he dies, he will never ever be replaced. He demands attention, and he’ll force people to give him it by dissecting people. Out comes Jeffrey Jarrett… he tells him to stop, and let his personal issues slide. Jeff points towards the youth movement taking over…

– It’s a fun little promo, but I guess no one told Nash that the nWo has moved on… their location is oddly also in Florida…

Buff Bagwell just signed as the waterboy…

– Samoa Joe (#4 contender) is out to face Rob Terry (#10) and Desmond Wolfe (unranked, I think). The crowd is behind Joe in this triple threat matchup. It’s a wee bit too clusterfuckish, and Samoa Joes keeps getting pushed out of the ring… Kind of retarded really..

– I’ll give Rob Terry credit, he does have a nice looking spinning kick. Joe chokes out Desmond Wolfe in a fair-from exciting bout. Chelsea looks all upset or something… probably at the lack of workrate?

– The Motor City Machine Guns are out (new champs in an AWESOME match at Victory Road) to face Beer Money! in a best of five series. There is a briefcase that needs to be attained to win, and it allows the victors to stipulate match 2 in the series. I loved the double suicide dives the MCMG’s land right off the start on BM!. Things get both ugly and awesome as ladders enter the fray, however, the high flying antics of the MCMG’s are working against them as the drunkard team dominates for a while. Sabin pins Storm into a corner with a ladder, runs up it, and lands a sick looking knee to Storms head! That was nice. Shelley sets up a ladder vertically suspended between one in the middle and the ropes, Sabin puts Rhoodes skull into it! Nice! Sabin later baseball slide kicks a ladder into Storms head (who was in the tree of woe at the time)! Dudes, I can’t keep up with all the action, so let’s just say this match kicked ass…

– Beer Money wins, for some reason… Earl Hebner runs out to take over for his son in a nonsensical moment…

– Next up is a super short match with the Pope taking out Matt Morgan super quick. God knows… Morgan throws a fit and attacks Dinero post match… Mr. Anderson runs down to make the save for the Pope, we’re ALL confused by this. He pretends to be with Morgan for a second and then attacks big Matt and sends him packing. I love Anderson, but have no clue what in the hell his character is doing these days…

– Velvet Sky is backstage all angry like, and arguing with Lacy Von Erich…

Buff Bagwell just signed as the waterboy…

– PatMan, he of the Pat men species, is loving this… and as always, I attempt to get all animated-giffy for him…

– Madison Rayne is whining in the ring about losing her title last Sunday… she thinks she got screwed and wants the referee to overturn the decision. The women who interfered was wearing a motorcycle helmet so there was no way of knowing it was a member of the Beautiful People. Velvet Sky comes out questioning the nerve Madison has bringing a new member into the group without asking.

There you go Patman!

– Velvet and Madison almost blow up, and Angelina Love comes down to revel in the fireworks… Then calls bullshit on the Beautiful People pretending that the women on the motor cycle was not Velvet Sky. Velvet is like fuck that, and walks out telling Love to do whatever she wants to Madison… Then the mystery women comes out, so clearly it’s none of the Beautiful People (it’s Tara, BTW)…. they don’t reveal her identity, but if the dirt sheets are right, Queen Victoria (Tara) is back.

– As we start off Lethal versus Hardy (Lethal landing a neat looking suicide dive on Hardy), Raven, Rhino, Dreamer and Richards enter the show (late as usual) to observe… still no word on Heyman… Hardy picks up a decent win in a way too short match…

RYTMAN FTW! Let’s hope he finds his writing shoes again…

– Okay, 12 minutes to go and we get the aforementioned BIG announcement from Flair that RYTMAN spoke of… Flair has Styles and Kazarian in there… Desmond Wolfe comes down all sulky-like. He calls the other two wankers and he deserves to be in “Fortune.” Abyss’ music hits… and he clears the ring with Janice. Then calls out RVD. Abyss talks more of “they” coming to TNA. RVD is told they have instructed Abyss to pave the way and get the title off of RVD… Janice will be suspended above the ring in some kind of ladder match thingy… Janice wants a piece of RVD’s ass?

– RVD has NONE of it, and slams his title into Abyss’ face! They brawl…

FLIPPY FLOPPY!!

– Mick Foley walks out onto the entry ramp as… RAVEN, RHINO, RICHARDS, AND DREAMER ALL ATTACK Abyss!?!? WTF? Referees, security, jobbers all run out!!! The ECW guys are killing everyone!! Al Snow is here!!! Lots of guys are running out know, and it’s just a fucking scene of carnage. I can’t tell who is on who’s side… well looks like Devon is out on the ECW side… RVD? I will have to rewatch this later… Dixie Carter grabs a mic and says, “Stop! I invited them!”

– TNA logo comes up and I’m out…

– Oh… Too bad Flair didn’t announce he was signing with the Miami Heat…

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