Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT 12/02/10

MVP is totally going to show up in the iMPACT Zone tonight! He got future endeavored by the WWE today, so obviously with the no-compete clause, the last sentence you read is a lie. I miss the days before that clause… Let’s see what REALLY happened on this pretaped go-home episode…

– What’s up? Over the last while, I’ve reviewed Smackdown every Friday here at BWF. For the next while, I’ve agreed to swap brands (drafted?) and hit me up some iMPACT! The immaculate DrowGoddess is now delivering the Ring of Honor lowdown! Check that out. Like you, I am quite inclined to return to the Bored Wrestling Fan to check out a new take on Smackdown!

– If you are familiar with my style (I am NOT a recapper), expect the silliness and stupidity that I normally provide. These reviews also feature 100% more Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley @G: “What’s up Bored Wrestling Fans? Can they hear me G?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah Barks, you’re on right now….”

– A quick montage of the return of Dixie with her nonsensical court injunction and will save her talking for court…

– * Beer Money & Generation Me vs. Motor City Machine Guns & Ink Inc. This match is underway as we start the show. This in itself shows how TNA booking prioritizes grappling on their show. Ric Flair is on commentary, and the three discuss the controversy while attempting to call the match. Overall, this is an assembly of carnage and high spots.

– As the match unfolds, we see Beer Money lose to Ink. Inc., as Gen Me and the MCMG’s off battling elsewhere. The referee is the same one who was in the bad-call angle a couple weeks back… so James Storm and Legacy beating on him… Matt Morgan makes the save, and puts Flair in a headlock! FLAIR’S FACIAL EXPRESSION IS GOLD. Morgan tells them to leave the ref alone, leaves, and then Flair screams into the microphone. I like this segment in part in that it connects to a previously established story, which the IWC tends to criticize the lack of. They’re getting better.

– Comedy segment features Mickie James talking about her musical performance tonight, and Eric Young and Orlando Jordan who want to be in her band.

I like this mashup. I don’t have any other reason to post it here, other than I know anyone who is reading will likely get it.

– Mickie’s performance of her song “Hardcore Country,” I think that’s the name. HA AHAHHAHA! Tara attacks Mickie midway through the song! They brawl off stage until the officials separate them.

– The referee guy (does he have a name?) asks Morgan to be able to officiate the match at this Sunday’s PPV to prove himself. Morgan declines as not to put him in harm’s way. Then Flair cuts a typical angry awesome call out on Morgan…. Another backstage promo features Doug Williams… but THIS one occurs live backstage, as we see a steady cam for long enough to prove it.

– * Douglas Williams vs. Kaz. Excellent potential here! And it delivers too. We get about five minutes of clean technical wrestling! Worth watching, and since G’s your hook-up:

If words could “tell” a match, there would be no need for a match…  It isn’t 5 star, but it was fun to watch.

N
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– Douglas Williams wins with a neat-looking rollup!

– Beer Money! attack people backstage, they hate officials.

– Devon Dudley is out to address Bubba’s attacking of him at their elegant retirement speech weeks ago. And Bubba’s claim that he was the star of the group. Devon calls out Bubba to face him. Bubba comes to the ramp, but won’t come to the ring. Devon says it’s because for all this time he’s been nothing but a bully and a coward. Devon isn’t the weak link, he was protecting Bubba. “If it wasn’t for me, there would be no Team 3D!” Both men start arguing about Taz, who takes exception to Bubba calling him “washed up.” Taz grabs the microphone and tells Bubba it saddens him and the fans to see this shit of a feud, and to just cross the line and get in the ring. “I’ll tell you what,” Taz says to Bubba and pointing at Devon, “I AM washed up, he’s not, get in the ring!”

– I loved that.

– Bubba feigns entering the ring, then backs off heeltastically! BOO! says the iMPACT Zone and this here G. Devon continues to point out that he feels HE’S the worker of the group, “As far as I’m concerned, you’re a piece of crap, and you always will be!” There’s more banter back and forth and we hear Bubba refer to Devon’s “Black ass.” I am not liking that, as it’s completely offhanded and suddenly brought racism into the feud. Subtle moment that was unnecessary.

– Devon wants some again! Isn’t this the third time they fake Bubba entering the ring? Yes… why yes it is. In the same segment. This one has Bubba use So Cal Val as a human shield to run off, recycling the plastic onto Devon. Hey, I knew she was good for something, and at least Bubba’s trying to be eco-friendly? What?

My reaction to this segment is somewhere between person A ^ and person B ^

– The Pope and Joe have a discussion about how they don’t like each other, but still will work together tonight in their match…

* Sarita vs. Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne. Wow, Angelina’s ribs are showing too much. Seriously eat some food Ms. Love. You can wrestle, although you enjoy your enhancements and physical modifications for popularity in some demographics as well. We need more that can wrestle. Go eat.

– The usual triple threat style of story is your story here, folks. Which is a compliment. Two of them are a good representation in what is right in TNA’s Knock out division. While they eliminated many of the non-Barbi grapplers over the last while, here are two (of three involved) that fly under the radar with excellent actual skill. Madison Rayne is out there too. See what I did? Sarita and Angelina carry this to good results, with Sarita clicks the control stick… enters “ducking mode” as not to appear on the opponent’s radar, then slyly steals Madison’s kill with a pin for the win! Sarita! She just keeps getting better. There’s still a little bit of room on the bandwagon kids! BUY TICKETS TODAY!

I watch wrestling for wrestling. I can download porn.

– We get Angelina backstage, alone, allowing for another MAGICAL visit from Winter (BRR-CHILL… GET IT? COLD? WINTER? HA?). Winter promises Angelina will never lose again with magic or something. I wonder if she has become like Mr. Snuffleupagus again, hence, no one can see her but Big Bird, the audience, and the camera man (and the switch operator). Although it’s plausible that the crew just thinks Angelina is talking to herself, so… oww… brain…

– * Matt Morgan vs. Rhino. Awesome! Wrestling appears on my screen, preventing certain aneurysm. Oh shit, it’s Morgan versus Rhino? Yeah, I watched this match on 2/5 FFW speed. Looked normal. Morgan gets opened up, likely shilling the first blood match Rhino has with RVD at Final Resolution. Everyone bleeds in TNA. All the fucking time. Meh. After far too long, Fortune runs out and attacks Morgan! Match ends as a result, and RVD runs out to attack Rhino! These two GET OFF MY LAWN, and out comes Jeff Hardy, to attack the fallen Morgan with a chair.

– TNA CONTINUES ANOTHER STORYLINE! YES! Fuck the haters. See, Fortune picks up Morgan and holds his head to set up Hardy to hit Morgan in the back of the head with a chair. The concussed Mr. Anderson runs out with a baseball bat to make the save, wearing his A.D.I.D.A.S. track suit (because it’s 1999, baby!). Nonetheless, I enjoyed all the show so far. I’ve trained myself to expect the retarded shit, and sift like some poor sucker in the Yukon circa late 19th century, trying to make my fortune!

What would I do for a Klondike bar?

– What would I do? Dude, hmm…

– What WOULD I do…

Actually, I’m lactose intolerant.  Yeah, I discriminate against milk products… you wanna go?

– Mr. Anderson summons the microphone of the fallen legend Kennedy, from the sky. Anderson and Morgan have a buddy moment, as he sincerely thanks Anderson for having his back. “There’s a certain code, there’s certain things you just don’t do to another guy,” explains Anderson in regards to the concussion. Anderson cuts a “shoot” but it is pretty much a PCS symptom of memory issues. Regardless, this is awesome.  We end up with Anderson becoming the guest referee for Morgan versus Hardy on Sunday?  What about that poor no-name-bad-referee guy?  Fuck him, says Russo, as we cut to Madison Rayne Sarita Mickie James and Tara brawling backstage for a few minutes.

– * Jersey Fist Pump Showdown: Robbie E. (w/ Cookie) vs. Jay Lethal. Yes. They do this. Remember when HHH had arm wrestling competitions with Scott Steiner? Yes. Sigh. But no, it gets even more fucked up. See, on Sunday, they have a shark cage. The thing scuba divers use, apparently. They will put Cookie in the cage, and suspend her over the ring. WTF? I refuse to pay THAT much attention to attempt comprehension here, instead I dive into the pool of car crash TV.

R.I.P. Leslie Nielson.

– Robbie calls Lethal a disgrace to Jersey, and the Cookie tells us she’s claustrophobic AND scared of heights. Robbie does his crap, then Lethal retorts. His best line refers to his part of Jersey taking Robbie and tossing him like a pair of shoes onto the telephone lines. Lethal PWNS this segment! After a decent promo, his own fist pump is a tease that leads to him winding up and drilling Robbie in the head! FUCK. YEAH! Brawl chaos ensues, Christy Hemme for some reason attacks Cookie, etc. Lethal ends up in the Shark Cage as the Jersey Shore group stands tall.

– I may have FFW through an Abyss segment. Oh well.

– * Abyss/Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe/The Pope D’Angelo Dinero. It takes about ten minutes for the guys to all come to the ring. There’s a casket out there… I realize there is a casket match on Sunday. I do. Why, is there a fucking casket in this match?

– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

– That referee’s name is “Scott Jackson.” I guess. Remind me next week…. I’ll forget.

– Technically, the match just starts as the broadcast ends. We’re now into overtime.

You say goodbye, but I say….

– Yawn. These bastards at TNA are making their overrun episodes a standard thing. Can’t we just move all the talky-talky segments over to Reaction, and show the matches on iMPACT? What we see here, is all involved landing some signature moves and booked to look strong. Fine, at least you keep your PPV card looking decent… After nothing special, Kurt Angle interferes and the match dissolves into a bad memory…

– Instead, let’s end this debacle of a review with GOOD memories:

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Shameless Plugs!

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Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s political humour comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here

Project Wonderboy
A site dedicated to pop culture and media. From film to video games, MMA to hockey, and so forth.

Morphine Nation
An off-the-cuff, non-PC humour website. Originally founded by Destructoid’s Jim Sterling, the Morphine Nation provides a haven for content and criticism.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”).

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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