The prosecution is ready, Your Honor.

Despite the praise that certain aspects of this week’s show are getting from other sites and comment posters, your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess finally cracked. “Impact” was bad enough that I have officially checked out. Despite the fact that the Motor City Machine Guns are the tag team champions, despite the fact that Daffney, Hamada, Sarita, Brian Kendrick, Samoa Joe, Beer Money, Generation Me, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, and AJ Styles are all technically employed there, and despite the fact that they just signed Katie Lea Burchill, I’m done. I’ll try to review it, I’ll post something, but I’ll be dead inside when I watch. Congratulations, TNA, I’ve supported you as my #1 wrestling promotion since 2004, and you broke me. I hate you for it.

Yes, Mickie James came off looking strong. Yes, Jeff Hardy’s creepy, evil promo was good, and could actually work as a long-term gimmick. Yes, the exchange between Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle had real-life intensity to it. Yes, Taz stepping up to defend a downed Kurt Angle was an impressive moment. That’s it. In a two-hour “Impact,” followed by a one-hour “Reaction,” those are the only positive things to be said. Oh, you think that I’m being unfairly harsh? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you the evidence.

Exhibit A: Talking Nonstop Again. Grilled cheesus, this whole show featured almost no wrestling and enough talking to run a wind turbine that would power a small east Texas town. This could almost be forgiven if the talking was good. It wasn’t. It was about 45 minutes into the show before any wrestling happened at all. Hogan and Bischoff gloat about tricking Dixie into signing over control of TNA to them. Hogan and Bischoff kick Dixie Carter and her husband out of the building. Time to take what was theirs. Dixie made promises that weren’t kept, or kept fast enough. Everything was Dixie’s fault. “Hollywood Hogan’s Immortals.” Yes, they’re calling this faction the Immortals. Look, jackwagons, I saw “300,” and do you know what happened to the Immortals? Didn’t think so. One can only hope. Abyss will destroy everything in their way. Yeah, got it. Jarrett complains that Dixie used her daddy’s money to take his company away. The facts that Jeff Jarrett’s daddy’s money pulled up and left because he didn’t like what Jeff was doing with the company, and that Dixie’s daddy’s money is the only reason that TNA exists at all aren’t supposed to occur to us. Fortune talks. Kevin Nash and Sting are called to the ring and they talk. Hogan, Bischoff, and Dixie yell at each other in the back. I understand that time had to be given to explaining the “Them” reveal, and connecting the proverbial dots. Time devoted to talking means less time for wrestling. That’s fine. This was masturbatory camera-hogging. Oh, there’s more.

Exhibit B: Fortune joined the Immortals. Hogan and Flair, who have despised each other for almost thirty years, hugged and joined forces. The people who complained that WWE threw away millions of dollars by having Vince and Bischoff hug aren’t criticizing this, and they should. Oh, but the Immortals needed more guys. They didn’t have enough to really dominate everything. All right, then, why are they the dominant faction? Why are they in charge? If they needed reinforcements in order to function, then they had a weakness that could have been exploited for compelling tv.

Exhibit C: Fingerpoke of Doom, Version 2. Madison Rayne called out Tara, and made the new champ give her a title match. Ok. Rayne pointed out that she was the reason that Tara was even allowed back in TNA, after losing the “title vs. career” match that they had had, and as such, she wanted a title shot. Fine. Rayne shouted at Tara to “do the right thing.” Tara lay down for Rayne, and was pinned in fifteen or twenty seconds. The title changed hands again. The whole thing was just a plot device to get Mickie James to come out, berate Rayne, and hit the ring, taking out Tara in her attempt to get at Rayne. The Knockouts title has been devalued almost as much as the X-Division title, and it makes me sick.

Exhibit D: J-Woww. Don’t bother telling me that her involvement got mainstream attention for TNA. Sure, it did, if you consider TMZ to be the sort of mainstream attention that you want for your organization. A useless skank from the latest embarrassment-to-humanity reality show turns up for a few short minutes, and TNA pays her $15,000 for those few short minutes, and promises that she can come back and do more. TNA has clearly learned nothing from the Jenna Morasca fiasco. Awesome Kong, Gail Kim, and ODB are no longer in TNA in large part because of absurdly low pay. I heard between $200 and $500 per show, in some sources. The entire locker room should be in open rebellion over that, male and female. Furthermore, what possible benefit does TNA get from a feud between the actual “Jersey Shore” people and their own knock-off gimmick? How is it even close to a good thing for TNA to remind anyone watching that the real “Jersey Shore” airs at the same time as their show, or that two wrestlers on their show are gimmick versions of the person making an appearance? If J-Woww were actually siding with “The Shore” and acting like they were legitimate members of the “Jersey Shore” group, that would be one thing. Instead, she shows up, cozies up with The Beautiful People in about thirty seconds, treats Orlando Jordan incredibly rudely for no reason at all even though she’s supposed to be a babyface, calls out Cookie for talking trash, and beats her up. How can any part of this be justified?

Exhibit E: Samoa Joe versus Abyss. Joe has beaten Abyss too many times in the past to suddenly have Abyss be such an unstoppable monster that even Joe can’t make much headway against him. Sure, a wrestler can look very strong in defeat, but this was yet another non-finish (sort of) so that the new nWo doesn’t look vulnerable. Joe should not be winning a match against Abyss by DQ because Abyss hit Joe with the ringside bell and busted his head open. RVD certainly does not need to save Joe. Given the face/heel ratio at the moment, Joe should be about the only guy who CAN regularly stick it to the Immortal Fortune. Oh, but that would be good storytelling and compelling tv. Scratch that idea.

Exhibit F: When Bischoff kicks Miss Tessmacher to the curb, he tells her that they’re through, that she won’t be running the Knockouts division, that she’ll be lucky to be a part of that division, and that the only way that she can stay in the company is to lace up the boots. As a concept, this is ok. However, she only recently became a major character. Silent eye candy doesn’t count. She had one, count them, ONE show of running the Knockouts division, and they all hated her. Now what? Are we supposed to feel sorry for her, and view her as a babyface? Too much, too fast.

Exhibit G: Hi, Gee! Fortune has to cheat to beat “The Pope” in a five-on-one handicapped match, with Flair and Morgan at ringside? Really? Yes, heels cheat. Yes, a group beatdown after the match would be fine. Aside from Flair being Fortune’s voice and leader, and receiving constant verbal fellatio from the guys who should be the true power of TNA right now, what has Fortune actually done to be viewed as elite or powerful? A big steaming pile of nothing, that’s what. Cheating should not have been necessary in a five-on-one situation.

Exhibit H: The main event match between RVD and Mr. Anderson barely started before “Impact” ended and “Reaction” began. Most of “Reaction” was their match. This sort of lead-in will only work for so long. If “Reaction” is supposed to be a behind-the-scenes, promo-heavy, interview-type show, that necessitates actual wrestling on “Impact.” If I just sat through two hours of inane babble, why would I want to sit through another hour of talking?

The prosecution rests, Your Honor. Counsel will be at the Lawyer’s Atrium bar. With goggles.

Peace out,


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