Your Empress of “iMPACT” will attempt to lead you through tonight’s grand adventure, but should the insane storms interfere with my ability to watch the show, RYTMAN shall step in and take over. Onward!

Tonight, we will see Hulk Hogan’s TNA debut. TNA says so.

We open with a recap of the Kurt Angle/Desmond Wolfe confrontations from last week.

Mike Tenay announces that Hulk Hogan has partnered with TNA and Dixie Carter, and that an announcement will be made. Desmond Wolfe enters to some pretty suitable entrance music for his persona, flashing the two-fingered salute to the audience. Yes, he’s wearing the shades. Ladies and gentlemen, and he uses the term loosely, he is Desmond Wolfe. To his friends, he is Wolfe. To us wankers, he is MR. Wolfe. He speaks at length on being tough, the greatest wrestler on the planet, and a champion. He could have broken Angle’s neck, but he chose not to because he had made his point. Angle comes out and says that nobody comes in his back yard and pisses in it. Angle is a total babyface now. Angle calls for a good old-fashioned street fight between the two of them, with no outside interference. Uh, isn’t a street fight “No DQ” by definition?

To the back! Lauren and AJ Styles watch the video of AJ’s assault last week at the end of the show. Neither can tell who it is. AJ has a message for the punk who jumped him. Samoa Joe interrupts, and plays some major head games with AJ to imply that Daniels is the one who attacked AJ. Seriously one of Joe’s best promos. AJ throws things in anger after Joe leaves.

Back from commercial break, Awesome Kong (without a handler) trashes a dressing room that looks remarkably like the one once used by one Mr. B.T. Huffman.

More talk up of the Hulk Hogan press conference.

Match #1: “The Future Legend” Alissa Flash vs. Tara (w/ Poison): This should be good. Alissa Flash is great at the little things, like pulling Tara’s hair behind her back where the referee can’t see it. Tara locks Flash in the Tarantula across the ropes. Somewhere, The Green Teabagger takes a personal time-out. Stiff punches and kicks are exchanged. Flash stomps and kicks Tara. Flash chokes Tara on the ropes. More hair-pulling and choking. Flash gets a two-count from a lateral press. Tara suplexes Flash from the top turnbuckle, and both women are down. Tara takes Flash over in an awkward fireman’s carry, but only scores a two-count. Clotheslines from Tara follow. Another suplex by Tara, but Flash kicks out. Flash locks Tara in a surfboard-style submission hold, and Curb Stomps her. Tara retaliates with a fireman’s carry and slam, and gets the three-count. Post-match, Awesome Kong rushes the ring, and takes out Tara with a stiff boot. Kong hits Tara with an Implant Buster on top of Alissa Flash. Kong leaves the ring, and both Tara and Flash are laid out in the ring. Kong is unleashed!

Winner: Tara

To the locker room! Team 3D talk about facing the Motor City Machine Guns tonight. They notice Rhino standing in the doorway. Rhino talks up the conspiracy of TNA management to replace all the veterans with the new guys. Brother Ray calls Rhino out on being paranoid. Devon says that they don’t need Rhino’s help with the MCMG, because they have never beaten Team 3D before and they won’t now, and they aren’t worried. The MCMG have never beaten Team 3D? Um, I have pay-per-view dvds that say otherwise, Devon!

Match #2: Team 3D vs. the Motor City Machine Guns: Yes!!! Alex Shelley and Devon start. Don’t expect much calling here, this is my reason for living right now. Shelley takes it to Devon, but Devon retaliates with a snap slam. Team 3D double-teams Shelley, but then Ray tags in and Sabin tags in. The action is solid until Ray hits Sabin with a uranagi. The landing is brutal, and it’s what nearly killed Chris Sabin in the ring last Wednesday. They show it repeatedly. Way more times than they really needed to. Alex Shelley finishes the match alone, taking on both members of Team 3D. Shelley gets Devon, who has an injured leg, in a half-crab. Devon pounds the canvas, and the referee calls the match over. Team 3D protests that Devon didn’t tap out.

Winners by submission: Motor City Machine Guns

To the back! Lauren interviews Scott Steiner about his actions last week regarding Krystal Lashley. Steiner is sorry. Sorry that Krystal has no idea what it’s like to be with a real man. He knows that she wants to be his Number One Freak, and he’s going to make it happen.

To the interview with Hermie Sadler! Amazing Red and Don West talk with Hermie about why West is Red’s promoter. Red’s voice doesn’t match his face. Not in a bad way, but I’ve never heard him speak before. Nice segment. Red came across as sincere and shy, and the partnership with West benefitted both of them.

Match #3: Eric Young (Legends Champion) vs. Bobby Lashley: Not much of a match here, as the story is on Steiner’s fixation on Lashley’s wife, Krystal. It’s still a title match, however. Young and Lashley have barely done much, when Steiner comes to the ring wearing a t-shirt with Krystal’s picture on it. He hits on Krystal, and Lashley takes issue. Steiner interferes and drops Lashley, and locks him in teh Steiner Recliner post-match. Eric Young holds his title belt high and celebrates in the ring.

Winner and STILL Legends Champion: Eric Young

All of World Elite is in the ring, wearing matching white track suits. Brutus Magnus has the mic. He says that the rumors are true. The British Invasion have been suspended without pay until “Turning Point” because Magnus punched the referee in last week’s cage match. Magnus gives the best promo that he has ever given, saying that it was a loophole that they used. It was Beer Money’s last chance at the title, and all the Brits had to do was to make sure that they left with the belts. They did. So they were fined. Pocket change! Suspension? More like a vacation without having to defend the belts until the ppv. Young announces that the Legends title is dead and done. HIS title is the TNA Global Championship. He will never defend the title on American soil, or against an American wrestler. The people don’t deserve him as their champion. Kevin Nash enters. He challenges Young about screwing him over at “Bound for Glory” and paying him in Iranian dollars. Nash asks if this is how Young does business. Young responds with an excellent point. He says that Nash has done things like that his entire career, and it’s why Nash is where he is today. Young respects and admires that. In a way, Young learned from the master. Both Young and Nash knew that someone was getting screwed at the ppv. Young just made sure that it wasn’t him. Touche.

To the back! AJ and Daniels exchange words over Joe’s accusations that Daniels jumped AJ. Daniels leaves to settle it with Joe personally.

Match #4: The Beautiful People vs. ODB, Hamada, and Christy Hemme: Lots of gratuitous ass shots from the cameraman. My colleagues sing your praises, sir! Hamada and ODB faroutclass the others in the ring here. Not as much of a match as one would hope for from the Knockouts. Lacey Von Erich’s only interaction for most of the match is to get knocked from the apron by ODB. ODB hits the Bronco Buster on Madison Rayne. Baby Jesus won’t stop crying. Lacey Von Erich hits Christy Hemme with the most pathetically awful attempt at a chokeslam that I have ever seen in my life, and gets the win. Post-match, Awesome Kong comes out to attack everyone, but Tara follows her. Tara and Kong go at it at ringside.

Winners: The Beautiful People

Tara and Kong have to be pulled apart. Again.

Match #5: Abyss vs. Dr. Stevie: Dr. Stevie calls out Abyss. This may prove to be a poor idea. Yes, it does prove to be a poor idea. Abyss destroys Dr. Stevie. Dr. Stevie attacks Abyss post-match, but Mick Foley makes the save for Abyss. When asked why, Foley responds that this is between him and Abyss. Hmm.

Winner: Abyss

Match #6: Matt Morgan vs. Rhino: The power game you’d expect from these two. Morgan gets the win, but Rhino attacks him post-match and Gores him flat. Injured ribs are played up. Hernandez runs down and goes after Rhino, but Rhino bails. Hernandez sees to Morgan. Rhino says that only the strong should fight in TNA, and nobody takes out Rhino. Nobody!

Winner: Matt Morgan

Daniels confronts Samoa Joe over the AJ Styles attack. Joe says that AJ rolled his eyes when Joe mentioned that Daniels could hurt him. Joe tells Daniels that AJ looks down on him. Joe leaves, and Daniels punches the wall. Nicely done.

Don West shills the upcoming live events. Homicide interrupts West, demanding his X-Division title shot against Amazing Red at “Turning Point.” West wasn’t sure, but Homicide attacked him, and he agreed. Homicide then takes West’s driver’s license and cash.

To the back! Jeremy Borash asks Kurt Angle about facing Desmond Wolfe. Angle says that Wolfe tried to get on the map the cheap way, and that tonight, Angle sends him back where he came from.

To the back! AJ Styles has been attacked again! He’s completely out, and blood streams from the back of his head. Lauren promises to keep us posted as the backstage staff yells for help.

Match #7: Kurt Angle vs. Desmond Wolfe (Street Fight): Seriously, I like Desmond Wolfe’s entrance music. There’s something arrogant about it that suits him. Angle puts the boots to Wolfe, and stomps him down. Angle attempts a suplex, but Wolfe grabs the ropes, blocks it, and elbows Angle in the face. Both men exchange strikes, punching and elbowing faces and necks. Angle clotheslines Wolfe over the top rope to the floor. The fight moves to the floor as well, but eventually moves back in the ring. Wolfe continually targets Angle’s head and neck. Angle hits a series of rolling German suplexes, and the straps come down. Wolfe flattens Angle with a truly vicious lariat. Angle stays down. Wolfe grabs referee Earl Hebner by the shirt and places him carefully next to the ropes. He doesn’t damage the referee at all. Wolfe stands over Angle, shouting at him. Tenay and Taz make comments that imply that there may be something more to Desmond Wolfe’s attack on Angle, such as the direction and approval of TNA management. Interesting.

Winner: No-contest

To the Hulk Hogan video package! Eric Bischoff introduces Hulk Hogan. Hogan introduces Dixie Carter, and they hug. Clips come rather quickly. Hogan says that he wants to make TNA the number one sports entertainment company in the world. Uh…. There really isn’t much to this, as the entire press conference was compressed into about three minutes of sound bytes. We end with the knowledge that Hulkamania is running wild in TNA.

Peace out,


1 Comment

  1. I really like the Young's Global belt alot more than the legends title. Seriously good idea, yeah some will call it an Intercontinental ripoff, but his stipulations declaration actually makes for a cool unique title on TNA. Yeah we've seen USA versus the world too… I am aware. I am not even a fan of Young and yet I dig this. Let's hope Hogan/Bischoff don't ruin TNA.

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