“iMPACT” Impressions 11/12/09By Drowgoddess · · 1 Comment
Your Empress of “iMPACT” is sleepy. Very, very sleepy.
However, we have a show to watch, and a double-whammy birthday to celebrate! That’s right, both BWF Founder ThinkSoJoE and the Lord and Master of Randomness, JT, have birthdays tomorrow. Yup, it’s Friday the 13th. Insert your own joke here.
Speaking of jokes, will TNA convince us to spend our hard-earned money, or at least three hours of our time, on Sunday’s “Turning Point” pay-per-view offering? Tonight is the go-home show, so join me in crossing the line to find out!
We open with a recap of the Dixie Carter/Hulk Hogan partnership announcement, complete with clips from the “locker room speech” that Dixie gave last week. The one that was best left unshown? Yes, that one.
Super Dave Osbourne is pimping his new show on Spike TV. He and Mick Foley banter back and forth about Osbourne being allowed to book one match. No title matches. If the Knockouts are involved, they must dress appropriately. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal interrupts, and asks about the “wrestling legend” who has shown up to face him in his invitational. Lethal doesn’t know who Osbourne is. Neither does anyone else. We end a painfully bad segment with an equally painful exchange between JB and Osbourne over Osbourne’s lack of interest in Twitter and Facebook. Apparently, preferring to talk to people for real makes you an idiot.
To the ring! Mick Foley joins Mike Tenay and Taz at the announce table. Foley was apparently not informed of the Carter/Hogan partnership, and was not a part of it.
Match #1: Dr. Stevie (w/ Daffney) vs. Abyss: Daffney is zombiehot and smokin’, as always. Abyss looks like a homeless man, as always. If Abyss pins Dr. Stevie, Dr. Stevie must leave TNA. Lots of commentary during this match, which rather distracted from it. Even if it’s Dr. Stevie, it’s “career on the line” match. Treat it like a big deal. Dr. Stevie holds his own rather well against Abyss, but walks straight into a Black Hole Slam. As the referee counts to three, the lights go out. When the lights come back up, both Abyss and Dr. Stevie are laid out in the ring. Daffney screams “Pin him!” as Dr. Stevie does so. Foley denies having anything to do with this, and rushes the ring to attack Dr. Stevie. The lights go out again. A fireball is thrown. The lights come up. IT’S RAVEN!!! Raven hits the Evenflow DDT on a fire-blinded Foley. Raven laughs and hugs Dr. Stevie and Daffney as the medics see to Foley and Abyss lays there.
WINNER: Dr. Stevie (and the fans)
JB stands with Raven, who hangs around JB’s neck. Dr. Stevie and Daffney hug up as well. Dr. Stevie snaps that he would never leave TNA, and that he is here to stay. Raven spews forth brilliance, which just has to be seen. A recap of a Raven promo is pointless.
Next week, Sting will speak on the Hulk Hogan acquisition and his own future in the wrestling business.
Match #2: “The Future Legend” Alissa Flash vs. Traci Brooks: Traci shoves Flash, and it’s on. Flash targets Traci’s right arm, which Tenay “reluctantly” announces has been handicapped since birth, and was never mentioned on air because Traci didn’t want it known. Flash hits Traci with a shoulder breaker on the right shoulder, and locks in an armbar. Traci immediately taps. Post-match, Traci attacks Flash and causes a bleeping frenzy with her swearing. Taz and Tenay talk up how Flash “crossed the line” (see what I did there?) and attacked a handicapped body part. Why Traci chose to become a wrestler while knowingly having said handicapped body part was not mentioned. If this is a face turn for Traci, it’s stupid way to go about it.
WINNER: Alissa Flash
Who is the legend to accept “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal’s invitational challenge? I don’t know, but those boots are made for walkin’.
Match #3: “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart: This is Natalya’s dad. Anvil totally dominates Lethal. Chants of “Anvil!” and “You’ve still got it!” No. No, you cretins. That was for Ricky Steamboat. Anvil wins with a slam. Thanks for playing, Lethal.
WINNER: Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart
To the back! Lauren tries to interview Bobby Lashley about the issues between Scott Steiner and Lashley’s wife, Krystal. As Lashley tries to answer, a production crew member interrupts, and tells Lashley to come to the tv production truck. Lashley does so, and sees a video recorded by Steiner. Steiner is not at the Impact Zone. He’s at the hotel where Krystal has been left. The husband is always the last to know that the wife is after another man. Lashley gets in his car and takes off, with the camera crew following him in another car.
Super Dave and JB discuss the best possible match to book in Foley’s honor while Foley is at a nearby medical facility. JB suggests the X-Division. It’s a go.
Match #4: The Beautiful People & Awesome Kong vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita, ODB, & Tara: The intro graphic said that The Beautiful People are considering a new reality show called “Better Than You.” CM Punk will not be pleased, and will have Lita kick the crap out of all three of them. Lacy Von Erich carries a pink police baton with “Lacy’s Ugly Stick” painted on it. Tara dominates Madison Rayne, and tags in Taylor Wilde. Wilde and Sarita double-team Rayne. Now it’s Sarita and Lacy Von Erich. Poor Sarita. She has to try to make Lacy Von Erich look not horrific in the ring. Fortunately, Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne step in and double-team Sarita. ODB flattens Rayne and Sky with her gigantic rack. Lacy Von Erich drops ODB with a clothesline. Tara drops Lacy. Kong drops Tara. Kong and Wilde go in the ring, but Wilde gets hit with an Implant Buster by Kong. Post-match, Kong and Tara stare down. Lacy tries to hug Kong, but Sky and Rayne hold her back.
WINNERS: The Beautiful People & Awesome Kong
To the back! Super Dave and JB have the bulk of the X-Division in the office. Amazing Red (with Don West), Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Homicide, Sheik Abdul Bashir, and Kiyoshi are there. Super Dave encourages them to kill themselves, and do what he does for a living, and have the greatest match ever for Foley. The concept is one thing, but couldn’t it have been stated in a better way? We still have no idea what the match is. I guess no one really cares besides me. 🙁 Super Dave makes Don West stay, and says that the guy in the kerchief stole some pictures and a few other things from the desk.
Kurt Angle talks up Hulk Hogan as the most intelligent person in terms of the wrestling business. he knows what works and what doesn’t work. Everything will be so much better now. Uhh….
Tenay announces that the camera crew has returned with the Lashley/Steiner footage. Lashley runs to his hotel room, finding Krystal ok. For the moment. Steiner bursts in and attacks Lashley with a lamp. Krystal screams and calls for help. Once Steiner leaves, she picks up the phone and calls again.
To the ring! Kurt Angle walks to the ring. Footage of Desmond Wolfe’s attacks are shown. Angle tells us that AJ Styles and Matt Morgan are men who have reached their potential, almost at the level of a Kurt Angle. He respects that. He doesn’t respect a punk coming in off the street and trying to end his career and his livelihood. How recently did Angle say those exact same things to AJ, Sting, and so on? Desmond Wolfe has earned nothing. Wolfe interrupts from the big screen, sitting in a bar with a random hot chick. Angle tries to interrupt the video, but there is no response. That part just looks bad. Wolfe says that he doesn’t want to beat Angle. he’ll leave that to the Matt Morgans of the world. He wants to hurt Angle. He’s here to take him out and take his place. As Angle shouts at the video, Wolfe enters the ring behind Angle. He attacks Angle, but Angle dodges and they fight to the floor. Angle gets the upper hand, but Wolfe drops Angle on the floor with a vicious DDT, then hits him with a chair. Wolfe crouches over Angle and says, “Third time’s the charm, Sunshine.” Awesome line!
Match #5: Amazing Red (w/ Don West) & the Motor City Machine Guns vs. Kiyoshi, Sheik Abdul Bashir, & Homicide: This is a six-man tag team X-Division match. Homicide and Alex Shelley start. Homicide dominates, and drags Shelley to the World Elite corner. Bashir tags in and stomps on Shelley in the corner. Bashir tags in Kiyoshi. Shelley and Kiyoshi trade chops. Shelley takes one to the throat. Bashir tags back in, and Bashir and Kiyoshi double-team Shelley. Homicide gets dragged away by security for having Foley’s barbed-wire baseball bat. Shelley tags in Red, who cleans house and
WINNERS: Amazing Red & the Motor City Machine Guns
To the back! Lauren interviews Desmond Wolfe, who says that he’s here to take Angle’s place. He could have destroyed him out in the ring earlier, but he let Angle have just enough energy to crawl in the ring on Sunday, where he w…
Note from ThinkSoJoe: Hey folks, BWF Founder ThinkSoJoE here, letting you all know that we had some technical issues with this week’s “iMPACT” Impressions, which caused us to lose about half of the review. The technical issues are seemingly resolved, and Drowgoddess will do her best to get the rest of the review up sometime tomorrow. Sorry for any inconvenience!
Note from Drowgoddess: Sorry, everybody. So much for the best-laid plans of mice and men and BWF staff members. Here’s a link to another review of the remainder of the show from the Observer site:
As a final compensation to you, dear readers, for incomplete “iMPACT Impressions” this week, I give you this. I feel compelled to share the glorious bounty. You’re welcome. 🙂
The official BWF Round Table for Sunday’s “Turning Point” ppv will be posted shortly.
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She did fall asleep, ha!
Desmonde Wolfe should be horsewhipped for stealing William Regal's line.